I have been married for 21 yrs this may. My wife is a lifetime lds member and i'm a convert of 19 yrs now. We are currently in active. We were sealed in the temple 5 yrs ago this may as a family with the kids. She had a 2 month affair 10 yrs ago and told me about it and severed it herself. I left her for a month then reconcilled since all she said she did was kiss, hold hands etc.. non sexual..... Then last sunday the guilt was eating her up I guess she drops the ball on me that she performed oral on him but just once and upon asking more she was also fingered by him... I think I need to divorce her and move on.. I don't have anyone to speak with and need input on ending it or trying to deal with her being decietful to me for the past 10 yrs and even going to the temple. I'm hurting and please help.

In all fairness you do have grounds to divorce her,but you guys should try to work it out and stay together for the kids and the vows you took............that's the problem now days too many people give up too easy on their marriage.......when it's better to stay together in reconciliation.....you should forgive her but let her know trust issues is now a key factor in things,they say you have to earn trust.........looks like the case.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/03/2011 12:11AM by crazydaze.

Crazydaze,

Please stop and think for a moment about how insulting and patronizing your post is to the OP.

The man sounds like he just barely found this out, and is in shock...cut it out with the "kids these days" shame fest.

This sounds like a good case for professional (non LDS) counseling. If you are determined to leave, you still need a third party to help work through your anger. Even after divorce, you will still need to be in contact for various things such as raising the kids.

I feel for you but I am not in a position to tell you what to do. But if I would suggest that if you still want to try to save the marriage that you should see a counselor. Probably a secular one. And if you can work it out great. But if you don't want to stay in the relationship than I say get out and move on. Just be sure that it is what you really want and not just the anger etc speaking. Maybe a short separation would be best to start.

it's me the guy in pain...The fact i had to deal wiht this pain 10 yrs ago and felt that with my kids 5 and 6 i should take her back on what little happened and she promised me.... Now 10 yrs later i have a 15 and 16 yr old and she tells me what really happened. I would not have did what i did 10 yrs ago and she knew it.. That is why she lied to me. It's an old wound and i don't want to stay with her and I hate the thought of being alone....Does anyone think this is twisted and for her to think I'll stick around again with us having 23 yrs of being together that it's too much to pitch down the drain...

Seems to me like she was too scared to own up until now because she knew it would jeopardize your marriage. This means that she values your marriage. If you do too it's worth it to try to salvage. If not, then you're justified in calling it off, as that would indicate a lack of intimacy (emotional, not just physical) in both parties.

I don't know if you can think about saving the marriage at this point. You might want to give yourself a little more time before making life changing decisions.

Is it possible to get past this, maybe with some counseling? It can happen, don't know if it will in your case.

It's hard to rebuild trust. Probably not possible to have the same kind of trust again.

This is tough. My guess is that she wants to work this out.

In my opinion, in a marital relationship trust is higher on the hierarchy of values over love and other attributes. Anyone who cheats on their spouse doesn’t truly love them. Trust takes hard work and time to rebuild after betrayal. Few marriages get through a crisis like this, most don’t. You might want to consider getting individual and marriage counseling from a competent counselor. In some cases it worse on children to stay in a broken marriage instead of getting divorced. Cheating, chemical dependencies, abuse, etc., are deal breakers to many people. Best wishes.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/03/2011 12:56AM by openeyes.

the thing is, inpain can prolly never really know how far the DW went with the lover. She lied about it already, and kept the lie for a very long time. She may still be lying. How can you know?

I think if you want to stay with her, you should accept the possibility that she was doing all of it, and may still be lying about it, and come to peace about it. Otherwise, it could gnaw at you.

I understand that level of betrayal. I had a live-in bf who claimed that when he went out with a former gf as a friend (I was at my parents that weekend), that she fell asleep on the couch that night and that nothing happened. He swore that nothing happened. Months later I found a letter she had written that he left in the back of his clipboard. I needed a piece of paper and saw the envelope sticking out. I read it. I swear everything went black except for that white piece of paper. When I confronted him, he told me that he lied to me for my own good. Yes, for my own good.

The relationship went back and forth for another few months and then I ended it. I just could not trust him. He moved in with the woman a month after we moved out of the apartment.

So, I understand that level of pain and betrayal. It rocks your world. But, is there anything worth saving in the marriage? Do other parts of it make you happy? Finding a compatible person that you can happily live with for 21 is not that easy. You might have just put up with stuff, I don't know, but you need to find out what is best for you in the long run.

I repeatedly recommend this, but you need to see a therapist to work through your anger and your feelings. Even if you don't think the marriage is worth saving, both of you seeing a therapist to end the marriage like responsible parents is necessary.

You have children and no matter what your wife did to you, she is your children's mother and that will not change. She may have made a mistake with you, but your children have the right to deal with their mother as a mother, NOT someone who lied to you. You would not tell them about when you two have sex and you should not tell them about her actions sexually.

I am sorry for your pain, but one way or another, there is a way through it.

Its me inpain..My concern is in a small fight about 3 months back I told her that the love I had for her before the first time she told me was stronger and deeper... It was not the same after. I would sometimes just feel there had been more and I guess that knawed at me from the inside and wound up being true.. 10 yrs later. I don't know how to feel about spending the rest of my life (im 38 now we married at 18) with a person who i will never truly love again and trust. would a counselor or help along those lines be able to change that outcome? I can't see living life that way. This is my problem and yes i'm angry as hell... we now live in hawaii and this occured in Indiana where we are from... I would love to pay this guy a visit and get some satisfaction but it's logistically not possible....Thanks for all the feedback. I have left and i'm staying at another place about 2 hours away and i'm lonely.
I stayed in all day and don't care to do much.. im drinking alot also.

Ten years is a good chunk of time. I would suggest good, non-LDS counseling to help you both sort out your issues. There are marriages that do survive infidelity.

I'm curious as to why she felt the need to share the information with you in the first place (when she knew that it would only induce pain for you.) And why reopen that old wound now? There is something rather selfish about that.

One thing that I think you need to consider is that it is possible she is *still* not giving you the whole story.

If she didn't love you she wouldn't have told you...her difficult confession may well be a move of growth toward a more intimate bond. It's a normal reaction to back away and it's also a way to satisfy the urge for revenge without being directly vengeful. The big picture is what matters and if you can get past this hurdle you might come out of the ordeal with a stronger relationship. Don't make your decisions from the position of hurt and anger—take the approach of working together to help each other grow. Keep your focus way down the road. A little Carlos Castaneda fits in here...

"The trick is in what one emphasizes. We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same."

It also helps to keep the perspective that forgiveness has the greatest impact in ourselves.

It'll take time, but anything that's worth anything only comes with effort. All the best.

It's me inpain. I also married her again in a lds temple..
This was 5 yrs after the first time she told me some of what happened... How should a person feel when his wife went to the temple and didn't tell him then either.? I think that is when she should have come clean but she didn't want to jeapordize it..... I feel that she has manipulated me into this web of deciet and its killing me...

I agree with the others who say find a good marriage counselor. I for one think you can work this through if you both really work at it.

Apparently this all happened over two months time, ten years ago. Such a short period of time in the context of a 21-year marriage. Yes, she has kept this a secret, which isn't good, but is that indiscretion worth tearing apart your kids' lives and ending your marriage?

Number one, DO YOU LOVE HER??? And then, DOES SHE LOVE YOU??? If so, then this marriage is worth saving. If you love her, and she loves you, please try to work it out. Divorce is so hard. Alone is so hard.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/03/2011 01:33AM by DebbiePA.

to make it work with her. I would say maybe it sounds like you never were able to forgive her for what happened 10 years ago. I don't blame you. In reality, I wouldn't care if my wife kissed or had sex with another man, to me it would hurt me the same. So the fact that she lied is what hurts you, not the fact that she blew a guy and he fingered her. No way that is all that happened, just sayin.

I'm wondering if she told you more so much later because she's hoping YOU will leave HER and she can justify taking up with the other man, who she may still be in contact with. Just my suspicious opinion.

Sorry you have to deal with this. Your kids will be ok (mine are), and life goes on. Have a talk one evening and present her with a one way ticket back to the mainland.

Fool (around on) me once, shame on you. Fool (around on) me twice, shame on me.

It takes a few weeks to get over initial pain of this sort

To get over a divorce its approximately 5-7 years

Marriage counseling is actually divorce counseling and is expensive

Wife might confess in 10 years from now that she was doing him and his friend or went all the way every way

Truth be told, only you will be able to figure out what is right for you

Good luck with whatever you choose

Inpain Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I have been married for 21 yrs this may. My wife
> is a lifetime lds member and i'm a convert of 19
> yrs now. We are currently in active. We were
> sealed in the temple 5 yrs ago this may as a
> family with the kids. She had a 2 month affair 10
> yrs ago and told me about it and severed it
> herself. I left her for a month then reconcilled
> since all she said she did was kiss, hold hands
> etc.. non sexual..... Then last sunday the guilt
> was eating her up I guess she drops the ball on me
> that she performed oral on him but just once and
> upon asking more she was also fingered by him... I
> think I need to divorce her and move on.. I don't
> have anyone to speak with and need input on ending
> it or trying to deal with her being decietful to
> me for the past 10 yrs and even going to the
> temple. I'm hurting and please help.

It's hard for you. However, you need to think long and hard before you do anything.

When you are over the shock and dismay, consider the pros and cons. Yes, you COULD go for a divorce, and it is a pity that she didn't come completely clean from the start, and there might always be a thought in the back of your mind: "Is there other stuff she hasn't told me?

Is it possible to get past something like this? Yes, it is. You can either get a divorce or you can, with the help of a relationship counsellor, try to get past it without divorce.

But you need to get to the point when your wife has been totally honest with you. It will not be easy for either of you, no matter what course of action you go for.

She might be wanting a divorce and thought that if she lied to you about what happened with her lover (adding more than what really happened) she might be able to get a divorce because she knew you would want a divorce?

Either way, it is a mess and I am sorry you are having to deal with this.

Marriage is about much more than sex.

10 years ago is deep in the past. If your marriage has been good for you, your wife and your children then it's a good marriage.

Lots of guys would probably be very happy if the only "cheating" their wife ever did was once in 20 years and didn't even sleep with the guy.

It's hard to deal with, especially as a surprise, especially after denying it earlier, but people are people, and just because she made a mistake doesn't mean that your whole life and marriage is toast. She probably had plenty of good reasons not to tell The Whole Truth before, and you and your children probably benefited from it. Mormonism is not uniformly kind and forgiving to those who violate the sexual oaths it makes you swear. First to God, then to your spouse.

Unless there's other serious, pressing issues in your marriage, just take a few days for yourself to mentally process things, and be happy that you don't have anything worse than this to deal with.

My $0.02
RG

reinventinggrace Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Marriage is about much more than sex.
>
> 10 years ago is deep in the past. If your
> marriage has been good for you, your wife and your
> children then it's a good marriage.
>
> Lots of guys would probably be very happy if the
> only "cheating" their wife ever did was once in 20
> years and didn't even sleep with the guy.
>
> It's hard to deal with, especially as a surprise,
> especially after denying it earlier, but people
> are people, and just because she made a mistake
> doesn't mean that your whole life and marriage is
> toast. She probably had plenty of good reasons
> not to tell The Whole Truth before, and you and
> your children probably benefited from it.
> Mormonism is not uniformly kind and forgiving to
> those who violate the sexual oaths it makes you
> swear. First to God, then to your spouse.
>
> Unless there's other serious, pressing issues in
> your marriage, just take a few days for yourself
> to mentally process things, and be happy that you
> don't have anything worse than this to deal with.
>
>
> My $0.02
> RG

You know, I wonder if it is the sex or the fact that Inpain's wife LIED to him, multiple times? And continued to lie to him. And, for all Inpain knows, perhaps she is STILL lying, now?

It's not the sex, it is the lack of trust that he feels towards her, now.

Don't forget to allow for growth. Maybe she did lie to you about something 10 years ago, and it has eaten her up over those 10 years, and she was afraid to tell you the truth.

Perhaps, now that you've spent 10 years together, she felt safe and secure enough in your love for her to come clean.

One lie does not make a person a liar for 10 years. It may have been a lie which taught her a huge lesson about lying. In the 10 years you've known her, perhaps she spent it striving to always be honest with you, because she knows how badly it felt not to be.

I get so frustrated when someone who has known me for a very long time will say, "Well you know you're not very good at such-and-such," and I'll say, "That was years ago! Give me a little credit for growth here." I'd hate to think that people think I'm static, never growing, and never gaining a little wisdom along the road of life.

Just another point-of-view to think about.

these are 2 things I'm going to state:

1. I feel/felt that emotional betrayal is much worse than sexual betrayal. I don't know what the extent of the emotional was back when, but that would weigh a lot more heavily than the sexual stuff.

2. DON'T THINK ABOUT IT. You have to stop thinking about the ACTS themselves. They can drive you nuts.

You have to bring it around to if you can't trust her and don't feel you ever can again, then there probably isn't a chance that it will survive.

I can't imagine why she chose to "cleanse herself" now--did you really need to know the details? Someone else stated that her giving you more details was selfish. She is trying to absolve herself. I thought at one time that I needed to KNOW EVERYTHING and EVERYONE my ex had ever done. It nearly destroyed me. I had to CHOOSE to not think about it.

First issue:
Get over it or not get over it.

The issue that gnawed away at your wife is now your problem because she told you. You need to get over it...and I don't mean that in some short term, flippant way. I mean you are going to need to deal with the very difficult emotions you are experiencing right now. There is nothing fun or easy about it, but drinking will make the "get over it" part take longer. So, go take a nap, sleep it off, and then go for a nice long sober walk. You might want or need counseling, so get it. They will start with helping you deal with anxiety by doing some breathing exercises, slow deep breaths in and then hold and then slow complete breath out. Then they will help you find a place to put this awful feeling you have (been there, man).

This first piece, "get over it or not get over it," is about you. It actually has nothing to do with her. So, make the decision today to get over it. Understand that its not about her at all.

Second piece: Stay or don't stay
The surprising thing is that this piece is not related to the first piece at all. You can stay or go whether or not you get over it.

So, first, get over it. When you are over it, you'll have a clearer head, and then you can decide whether to stay or go.

Final element: My opinion
Dude, this sucks. Time heals. Sun will come out tomorrow.

I think Bob says it very well. I am certainly no tee-totaler, but agree that alcohol is not going to help. You will make it through this. Please take care of yourself.

my experience was similar, and in time the things she had done kept ratcheting up. At first it was just petting, then it turned out to be a little heavier than that. Then eventually she admitted to having sex, 1 time. Then over some time she admitted that it was maybe more than 1 time. just a few times? I demanded to know how many. Maybe a dozen times or so she said, but it may have been more. So it could be that all your wife did is this bit of stuff she admitted to, but you had better be sure that the whole, and I mean the whole, story comes out before you consider staying with her. You don't want to be surprised further down the road because it will destroy you.

The real question is, how much can you tolerate? How much trust can be broken before you stop trusting? If this is something that is going to come up many times over throughout your life, you may want to consider leaving as your kids don't need to see you and your wife fighting. However, if you can suck it up and let it go, then stay with her.

For me, trust is everything. I have always believed that once they cross the line, its easier the second time. But I am no expert on relationships. Just don't stay in a busted marriage where you are always fighting with her. None of you in your family deserve that, especially not your kids.

It has been 2 years this month since I found out my husband was having an "emotional affair." He was "good friends" with a coworker and kept it from me. He lied for months about it. He lied when I caught him, not knowing that I was looking at thousands of minutes on our cell phone bill while he was lying right to me.

And treated me like garbage while he did it. He was horrible to me at the time. He still swears that there was nothing physical about their relationship. Because of all the lying, I can never believe what he says about it. As far as I am concerned, he screwed her repeatedly every chance he got. Because I will never know all the details, I just have to assume the worst and deal with it the best I can.

I am still with him at this point. He has been on his "best behavior" for nearly two years. And still I don't trust him. I don't know if I can ever trust him. I definitely don't feel the same deep love and probably never will. I had a dream about leaving him just last night. We are great friends, have kids together, and a great sex life.

But I have still not decided whether I am committed to the rest of my life with him. I don't know if the good behavior will stop eventually, but I guess time will tell. It eats him up that I can't trust him and that it pains me to say I love you. But that is all I can give him of myself right now. He was the only person I ever trusted in my life, including parents. And for him to stomp all over that is something I may not ever get over. But he is good to me now, and good to our kids, so I am trying. If we do end up getting divorced, I know it will not be without me doing my very best to work it out.

I have no helpful advice, but I feel your pain.

Sounds like you have a problem of trust. You have built a family and raised children. You have more going for you than against you. I agree about seeking good non mormon counselor. Feel this is something you can work out and put behind you. It is like a scar on you hand. You can see it and remember what caused it,,but you don't have to open it up every day. Good luck.

Did she tell you WHY she had the affair?

If you guys married at age 18 she barely had a chance to be young.

I'm not making excuses for her but surely you can see there are mitigating circumstances.

When people have an affair, they generally have sex. You might as well figure that's what happened and go from there.

However, 10 years ago she ended it and chose YOU. That should count for something, especially if she is not a habitual liar and cheater.

You really should stop pressing her for details, its in the past. Enjoy what the two of you have now.

We are not living in the medieval ages where your honor was wronged and you need to demand satisfaction, due to the code of chivalry.
LET IT GO.

IMO, the very best sign I see for your future with her is that she has lived with her guilt for 10 years before telling you. That is not a place she will EVER want to visit again.

NO, it will not be easy, but to LET IT GO now is the best advice I can give you. Divorce and rarely seeing your children will only hurt you more.

for what it's worth:

I think that repentance-forgiveness, Mercy & Compassion are among the Very Best of Human Values.

Can you teach those to ALL CONCERNED?
how could u do that?

may not Always be possible, but: They're Always the BEST!

I feel for you inpain. If you want it over then nobody is going to judge you. But if you want a future with her then you just need to look at the future and forgive the past ASAP. She obviously told you because she wants to come clean and move forward with you. Do you want this too? If so then tell her so. And best wishes to you.