Posted by:
MJ
(
)
Date: April 21, 2015 08:21PM
***ramble alert***
I do not know everything you said, but the message you posted is all about shame and hiding.
Society sends that message enough without it coming from mom. The most important thing you can do is to tell him you will love him and help protect him from what ever comes his way in this regard. As an adult I can see your effort to do this, but as a gay child of 12, the message in your OP is likely to be taken as shaming.
You are in a difficult spot. My experience with staying in the closet was very painful and lead me to near suicide. Encouraging your son to stay in the closet may cause more harm than good, and it would be coming from you.
Again, the fist thing is to tell him you love him as he is and that you will support him.
Second affirm this with actions. I do not know where you live, but there are three gay pride festivals in Utah, Salt Lake, Moab and Provo all have gay pride events. Salt Lake's parade and festival could be a good start. It would show the kid he is not alone. My first pride was life changing.
The Moab pride has a gay adventure week that has events like river rafting trips for gays. The two of you going river rafting on a gay trip could be a good way of showing that being gay is not limited to the big cities. Who knows, you may become friends with some gays that could become part of your families life as friends that could be role models. Having gay friends that are a normal part of your life could be one of the best things you could do, specially if they have kids your son's age, gay or straight.
Gay affirming movies may be good, especially if seen in the theater on initial release.
Coming up in 7 days history will be made as SCOTUS hears a case that may make gay marriage legal in all the USA. There may be rallies near where you live. Take him so he can be part of gay history.
Together, learn about gay history, the Stonewall riots and how they relate to the gay pride festivals. Alan Turing, The history of the pride flag and the meaning of the colors
There are lots of ways to affirm your son. Some of it you may be able to guide, others he may give you the lead as to what needs to be affirmed, sometimes he may want you to just go away, he will be a teen after all.
Telling him to stay in the closet is a negative in his life. Try to approach it in a positive way. Maybe talk about how to come out in a safe way may be more appropriate. Make sure he knows that he knows that he should be able to live his life out and proud, but that there are still bad people in the world that would want to harm him for being gay. Make it clear that those people are the bad people not him. Rather than saying he should stay in the closet, perhaps talking about using discretion and avoiding those that could cause him harm as he comes out.
Teach him that he does not need to make a grand statement to everyone that he is gay in order to be out. He can come out to people that he can trust and to people that he wants to share that part of his life with. As Bobby, a wonderful transsexual, put it "Straight people don't put out their hands to shake and say 'Hi, I'm Joe and I'm straight' why should gays do it?" It took me decades to learn to let people figure it out as I talked about my life, including my boyfriend.
Become a gay advocate yourself.
I second contacting Pflag, not for your kid, but for you. Take care of yourself and get the support you need.