One of my favorites was when a sister spoke on Fast Sunday and made an impassioned treatise defending her right to brush her teeth on Fast Sunday morning. She'd been told (by someone) that tooth-brushing was considered breaking the fast, and she was concerned about tooth decay for all of us.

Her husband was a dentist.

Ok. Your turn.

Early morning seminary taught by a guy that had some serious mental issues.

Taught that the snake temptation that Eve had in the garden of Eden was the black penis of satan that she had sex with.

Holy balls! I wish I had gone to your seminary!

siflbiscuit Wrote:
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> Holy balls! I wish I had gone to your seminary!


He is still a teacher

http://www.preston.k12.id.us/richard-brodock.html

That is not the only Eve-seduced-by-Satan trope out there. Older posters might remember "the Moonies," lead by the Korean cult leader Sun Myung Moon. He taught that all of humanity was corrupted by Satan's seed, as he seduced Eve before Adam could have relations with her. (Guess he overlooked "And Adam 'knew' (had intercourse with) his wife Eve...") from Genesis. Cultists ignore Scripture when it conflicts with their new doctrine.

Moon further taught that Jesus' redemption was only half complete. Sure, he died for our sins, but he failed by dying too soon--and not begetting children with his own seed.* The new, improved, purified seed would be provided by Rev. Moon HIMSELF!

This would be done through "the Wine Ceremony." Remember those mass weddings, thousands of Moonie couples getting married in huge arenas? Before they get married (and only if they're worthy!) they must partake of a very special communion wine--which had something like 80+ Biblical and Korean herbs and essences mixed in, ALONG WITH SOME BLOOD TAKEN FROM MOON AND HIS WIFE! A heck of a lot more exotic than Wonder Bread and water, eh?

Then these couples would have been "purified of Satan's seed," and their children would be also--a new, purified, righteous human race. Thanks, Rev. Moon!

*Interesting how cultists love to mess up the Bible, as LDS teaches that Jesus was a polygamist!

the CoJCoLDS is the only true & living church, its leaders are directly inspired by god.

Yup, that's it.

Any time a teacher or leader or speaker talked about demonic & satanic encounters. Just nuts!

Joseph Smith's King Follett Discourse does it for me--weird, wacky, and bizarre. The Boner.

Some lady was talking about her conversion to the church in a talk, and she said (I quote): "I fell for it, hook, line, and sinker!"

I knew what she meant (that she believed in it the minute she heard it or she 'knew in her heart' immediately yada yada yada) but it sounded so funny the way anyone but a mormon would take it.


Yea lady, you fell for something alright.

The last days hyperbole, again.
The righteous will be going to Missouri... Have a nice trip.

Went to Independance,MO visitor center today. I asked the missionaries about 15 million mormons coming here for the "second coming". They said no the church doesn't teach that. "Zion is a state of mind, everyone will stay put."
(They didn't know Mormon teachings very well, we had to correct them on a number of issues.)

I think I remember this, but it's possible that I just remember it because my older siblings laughed about it so much. Some sanity-challenged and/or not terribly bright guy went to the pulpit during testimony meeting to announce that he had found a button, and that anyone who had lost one should come see him after Fast & Testimony Meeting.

I had a stake pres. who gave a talk all about the ill-fated handcart companies. According to him, god didn't warn these people to wait until the next year to go to Utah because he needed them to be an example to people in our generation. He allowed them to starve and freeze to death so that our testimonies could be strengthened.

WTH? I couldn't quite wrap my head around it as he was talking, as it made no sense to me. I guess he was saying that sometimes god kills righteous people in order to have examples for future generations. With friends like him, who needs enemies?

A man spoke about how the Book of Mormon was true because "indians" have earwax like Hebrews, not like Asians. My kids referred to the "earwax testimony" for the rest of their growing up years. That was followed by the waffle iron testimony of a lady preparing a waffle for a general authority and it "dinged' at just the perfect moment for a perfect waffle. That was "the waffle iron testimony." No wonder, none of my kids made it in the church after turning 18! (Then there was the "I am thankful for a vaginal childbirth" testimony! Fortunately, my four boys were gone by the time that happened)

The woman who got up in testimony meeting going on and on about how much she loved her husband, to the point that it was kind of embarassing. 6 months later, she ran off with her boss.

Complete nutbar of a guy, couldn't stand him. But so many stories. He gave a testimony (which was always basically him standing up there for 20 minutes droning on about how he has all the answers), and said that alcohol was ok as long as you made it yourself. He also said in a separate talk that his daughter's recent miscarriage after a car accident was a direct result of her sin of fornication as a teenager and giving the resulting baby up for adoption. Being a single mom myself, I nearly vaulted up there and throttled him myself.

He was really riled up when he gave this one. I always thought old Brigham could give fire and brimstone...but John beat on this one. http://journalofdiscourses.com/26/16

As far as wacky B.Y.'s Adam/God and I also have to go with J.S.'s King Follett (This was something really off the deep end)!

Then I remember in my youth I heard this one guy Paul H. Dunn who spoke so movingly about wars and baseball, wow!!!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/21/2015 09:48PM by dydimus.

Required Reading for 'gators:

King Follett sermon.

This is repost from me from 3 years ago —

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When I was still active, one of the clerks got up in F&T & started saying that archeologists found remains in Egypt that proved the cult was true because the remains of the people were wearing what he believed to be garments with all the same markings & such. I was just like WTF, what a whacko.

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The seminary teacher who claimed that dark matter is the spirits cast out of heaven wandering around the universe.

Or the seminary teacher who taught us all about the "cosmic soup" we would go back into if cast into outer darkness and we would get a chance to try all over again.

I also had a seminary teacher teach me the same thing. It made sense. That after the eternity, they would lose their first estate (spiritual body) and go back into the pool of intelligences to await another Celestial Being (God) to invite them to become one of his spirit children.

It wasn't Brother Robbins, was it?

In my branch we had an old guy, a real sweetheart, who would get up to bear his testimony on F&T Sunday and many, many times ended up singing a hymn a cappella. Kind of awkward when we had visitors.

I liked the one about how much nicer Mormon ward hoouses are than the great cathedrals of Europe. Really????

In 1971 I was thirteen and living in La Grande, Oregon. This priesthood guy gave a speech in sacrament meeting about evil influences in popular culture. He named a popular soul song of the day that was performed by a black man, "Natural Man." It was Lou Rawls, I believe. The deal was that the song was a work of the devil against god. It was evil.

Then he talked about a song from a television commercial called "I'd like to teach the World to Sing," which was schmaltzy and weak. He said it was a decent song, in his opinion. The funny thing was, it was from a Coca Cola commercial. Local Mormons did not drink Coke and considered it the soda version of coffee. There was a nervous tittering from the congregation and a sigh from yours truly.

My YSA branch president having to warn everyone from the pulpit to stay away from a guy who had been lurking around the branch for a few months - who had (as it was later revealed) led one of his sons down the "wrong path", so to speak.

I would love to see an old guy get up and quote Rob Zombie, Marilyn Manson, or Slipknot.

However, since Mormons are always culturally 50 years behind the rest of the planet, I would assume they are still complaining about the evilness of Dan Fogelberg and Simon and Garfunkel.

Stake RSP declaired that we should not be organ donors due to the irrefutable fact that we should not be scattered about during the resurrection. God's good...but he ain't gonna be track'n down no
dead lady's liver.

A talk in elders quorum on "Personal Purity" where the EQ president referenced how fortunate and thankful he was that while growing up, his mother would intercept the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition from the mail and, (quote) "fill in the naughty parts" with a black Sharpie before he or his father could see it and become affected by the images.

I nearly fell off my luxuriously appointed metal folding chair with laughter.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/22/2015 01:37AM by superman4691.

I didn't even know there was a swimsuit edition til I left home for college. My copy never made it from mailbox to inside the house. What a sheltered/protected life I grew up in.

Back to topic. Had a guy on open mic Sunday spewing what he was thankful for. Thanked his wife for the emotional roller coaster of her menstrual cycle.

In a Relief Society during the testimony meeting portion a widow in the ward that was going on 90 told us how on her wedding night she was going to remove her garments to do the deed and her husband told her she should leave them on. He wanted her to remain modest. What a great testimony of how important it was to wear garments during sex. That would not work so well in the modern day with the two piece garments.

Very sad:

In seminary, the teacher's wife had multiple miscarriages &/or stillbirths. So he very graphically explained to the class about what it was like when the baby was born dead.

Then he explained that since the baby never took a breath, it was because the baby's spirit wasn't ready to be born, so each baby wasn't different, it was the same baby's spirit which would come back time after time, and HF called the spirit back at the last minute, so finally the baby would eventually be born alive after the spirit was finally ready. He also told us about how they would dig up the grave from the prior lost babies and place the new lost baby inside with the other ones.



Also, she would get pregnant very soon after the last one. I always felt so sorry for them & didn't understand why HF would punish them by always taking back their baby's spirit at the last minute.

Finally the doctors sewed up her uterus with a string so that the baby would stop coming early & the spirit that was ready could be born.

It was a crack in my young shelf when the baby's spirit was coincidentally ready and they had a live baby after her uterus was sewn shut to prevent the baby from being born too soon. Also, the part where they dug up the grave creeped me out very bad, although I liked everything else about them.