Want to share this to give hope/perspective to those that may be facing a similar situation:

I left the board about 6 months ago to focus on other things. Back story: Left church in 2012, divorce finalized last Fall. Ex-DW wanted to "find a good Mormon man".

Well, mission accomplished. A mere 5 weeks after the divorce was finalized, she was engaged to her "good Mormon man". They are now married, almost 5 months to the day that the divorce was finalized.

Haven't missed her for a minute! I am free of the control, manipulation, guilt trips, 'not good enough' complex, her narcissism and so much more that comes with Mormonism.

The bonus was this - she and her new husband told the two kids still living at home that they would have to live by their rules in order to come live with them. This was to be a signed contract, upon which if they broke the contract they would be asked to move out. The contract included such things as "participate in daily prayer", "attend FHE", "no listening to 'inappropriate' music", etc.

The kids (both have no interest in Mormonism) refused. I've now moved back into the house with them!!! The ex now gets a chance to enjoy the every Wednesday and every other weekend routine with our son that I used to have to endure. I get to show them how to live a happier, authentic life in their own home. And my spousal financial support ended as well. =D We have a much happier home.

The divorce was painful, but I have no regrets. Being authentic and free is a priceless gift. I realize I got lucky to have such a short time to pay support until she was re-married. I counted on the Mormon peer pressure for her to get re-married and it came through.

Leaving the Mormon church cost me my marriage and all my Mormon friends. Might sound strange, but it was worth it.

Your children will be forever grateful you took such a brave step. They will avoid the mind control like they avoid Justin Bieber.

I'm sure most men worry about the unknown, or are waiting for the kids to get older... Good for your for extricating yourself from a big waste of time, talent and money. Well done !

Fantastic story.

I too am an example of a person that went through a divorce because my ex-wife wanted a TBM husband.

I didn't get off quite so lightly as you did financially. However I'm still happy.

My kids don't live with me, but they are not happy being dragged to church every week, they know it is a fraud. That battle has been lost by my ex.

That's a heart-warming tale for me. You spared your children a lot of suffering. And the leopard showed its spots, didn't it? Congrats and best wishes, checking.

Hip hip hooray!

I agree too.

I lost my TBM ex, my relationship with my oldest is still fairly strained (he's TBM), and I lost a big chunk of dinero.

But.

I'm happier. I'm well on the path to financial security. My new wife loves me (I think), and loves wine, and works full time, and curses like a sailor, and sees the church for the crockpot that it is.

My relationship with my other 3 kids is great (one TBM, one ex, one fence sitter).

And best of all, like you said: The inimitable authentic life. It's hard to describe just how valuable that is to somebody else - but for me it's almost priceless.

Thank you for sharing this.

You know that feeling of illness before you vomit into the toilet from the flu? You can delay it for awhile or get it over with?

I feel as if I'm delaying the horrible part of throwing off....it's uncomfortable and sucks, but I'm afraid to get it over with.

Very unhappily married currently...tried counseling, date nights, being overly patient, romancing, hugs, compliments....I'm not good enough to measure up now that I don't have the priesthood.

good to know there is happiness on the other side of divorce.

hopefulhusband Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
>
> Very unhappily married currently...tried
> counseling, date nights, being overly patient,
> romancing, hugs, compliments....I'm not good
> enough to measure up now that I don't have the
> priesthood.

Although you are a believer in truth now, and not Mormon fairy tales, do you still go through the motions to keep your wife happy? Attend church, don't talk to the kids, etc, etc?

If so, I suggest you intensify the romancing, hugs, compliments, and stop faking your unbelief. Live authentically, but with happiness and extra love shown towards your family.

Do not be inauthentic to yourself. Nobody respects that. The reality for all the husbands and wives that are pretending to keep a spouse happy, is that the spouse has zero respect for you because of it. It is a no win situation.

Stand up for your authentic self and let the chips fall where they may. Life is just better that way. Can't guarantee no pain, but it is better.

>
> good to know there is happiness on the other side
> of divorce.

Holy cow, once the pain of the divorce has subsided, and the finances recovered a bit, life is <bleeping> awesome outside a stupid cult controlled marriage.

thanks for the hope! I am 100% out of the church....no attendance. I'd gone for a year to support her but could not do it anymore. Haven't been in 6 months.

I do practice being authentic to myself and my children.

Unfortunately, in my marriage, there are so many lines I cannot cross, discussions I cannot have, and feelings/emotions that she will not tolerate discussions....I'm boxed in. I'm exhausted trying to follow her rules to keep the peace and to keep her happy.

I find that when I'm not doing something with my children in the house, I prefer yard-work to the egg-shells I feel when I'm around her. How sad is that in a marriage?

hopefulhusband Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I do practice being authentic to myself and my
> children.

Do the children know why you do not attend the church? In age appropriate terms do they know you believe the church is a fraud?
If not, then you are not being authentic to your children. You are presenting a false facade to them to not upset your spouse.

>
> discussions....I'm boxed in.

I'll be honest here, I suspect she feels the same way. It is super scary for a TBM to have a spouse leave the church. Their fantasy dream world has been destroyed.
They typically react this way, and while you are scared, so are they.

>
> I find that when I'm not doing something with my
> children in the house, I prefer yard-work to the
> egg-shells I feel when I'm around her. How sad is
> that in a marriage?

She probably is thinking the same. To avoid you, she buries herself in more church stuff.
She is scared of yo, who you may become. she has be taught from a young age that as soon as you leave the church, you are controlled by Satan. Who wouldn't be worried and scared about that?

I'm not saying this because I am telling you to stay and work it out with her. I'm just trying to let you know that she has her justifiable reasons in her head for acting the way she is.

Trying to find the point where you both love and RESPECT each other is really, really difficult.

I couldn't do it. I couldn't even get to the point you are, where there was a kind of semi-truce on the subject. Where there is a clear DMZ that nobody should enter. I charged right into it, guns a blazing!

I'm just supporting the OP, divorce from a cult controlled spouse, where the cult in essence interferes in your marriage is a liberating and very freeing thing in life. I'm really happy where I am now. Despite the pain of the divorce.

Praize the ExmoJesus !!!

You dodged a big bullet there, bro.

Oh ~ and your bank account called and said he is feeling much better now

Checkingout, "The divorce was painful, but I have no regrets. Being authentic and free is a priceless gift." This quote is very powerful to me. I'm on the fence in the same situation you were in, although my children are still young. Did you love your ex-wife when you decided to divorce? I still care deeply for mine and love her but I have reached a point where for my sanity sake I feel I need to end our marriage. I feel pain, but long for the peace and freedom that I know will come.

Farfromhere Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Checkingout, "The divorce was painful, but I have
> no regrets. Being authentic and free is a
> priceless gift." This quote is very powerful to
> me.

This quote is more than powerful. This quote is absolutely 100% accurate and correct.

I confirm Checkingout's comment. It is fantastic to live a life that is authentic to yourself. It is a nightmare to live a life that is not that way. To suppress yourself to keep a spouse happy, or at least not angry and annoyed so much at you.

You know that's conditional love right? You are in essence buying your spouses love.
Buying love means you have sold respect to get it. The relationship is bankrupt at that point if that is all you have.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/30/2015 01:24PM by scotslander.

thank you for sharing that. I find myself suppressing myself to keep her happy...even the children are subdued around her. tip-toeing on egg-shells.

I appreciate this topic!!

Reminds me of the joke about two men having lunch together. First one is going through a divorce, the other is already divorced. First one asks, "Why is divorce so expensive?" The second guy says, "Because its worth every penny!"

Unfortunately, I can't seem to convince myself of this. Meanwhile I slog away in a marriage that died several years ago.

I was there too. Years on end. It ended when I fell in love with someone else. What I learned from my experience is that it is dishonest to stay in a marriage without love. It hurts both parties involved and it denies both people the opportunity to find love elsewhere.

Being authentic and free is a priceless gift.

^^^^^ This ^^^^^

A couple of years ago my formerly-TBM, emotional vampire of a spouse dumped me (after years of treating me like dirt). I spent years walking on those eggshells, afraid of the inevitable meltdowns, blowups, rages, accusation, and blame. Yet during and for a while after the divorce, I was devastated.

Once my head cleared, I realized it was the best thing that could have happened. Now, a couple years later, I have a better life than I could have imagined then (or while I was with this person, for that matter). I have a career I love, a nice home, great relationships with my kids, am free from the TBM b@tsh!t crazy in-laws and extended family, have lost quite a bit of weight, and am happily single. But the best part is that freedom and authenticity. I feel like my life's been given back to me; it's wonderful.

Thinking about those kids living at home with their non-Mormon dad made my day!

You're a hero!

My husband and his exwife had the same situation with their son refusing to live with his mother.

What surprised me was when the judge told her to go get a job and start paying him child support.

My husband didn't feel too bad about that. He put her through college for 2 degrees when they were still both single. He also paid for daycare everyday for 5 years when his son didn't go to daycare and the mother didn't work.

Sometimes the courts do get it right.

Or am I misreading?

Perhaps he wasn't in school but did go to daycare while the wife did church work and went to the gym and such.

His ex wasn't a mormon. She certainly didn't go to the gym. I'm not sure what she did with her time during the day.

Most of her evenings were spent at the bar. She had a bf that belonged to a club where thy would go drinking. She would take her son with her and leave him out in the lobby to do his homework. He usually slept there until at least midnight.

It took us a while to find this out. She'd sworn her son to secrecy, and he was afraid of her. One night he called us from a pay phone. He was crying and wanted his dad to come and get him. That's when the cat was out of the bag. We went and got him that night, and he never went back.

Holy crap!

Happy ending. He came to live with us and did quite well. He did well in school and graduated from Columbia University a couple of years ago.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/30/2015 07:15PM by madalice.

That is a happy ending! I hope that he continues to do well. How lovely that he had you both.

That commentary is laced with some sad irony, of course; some do manage to remain in such marriages (although, frankly, some who do are badly damaged, IMHO), and unfortunately a number of marriages also end even though both members have left the church.

I don't have any of my usual cabdriver wisdom on this one; I'll defer to my friend Anagrammy who said "The problem with LDS marriages is we marry a role, not a person."

I can tell you, however, that there are a number of my RFM friends in your situation, and just the sense-of-belonging you've offered them is priceless.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/30/2015 06:58PM by SL Cabbie.

Yes, very priceless knowing that I am not alone. So many things throughout this thread read as though I had written it.

However, I am still married and tip-toeing around those eggshells. However due to certain circumstances pulling the divorce rip-cord now isnt quite the right time, but we have both seriously discussed it.

As I read thru the above posts, I kept remembering those young happy couples, posing for photos, dressed in tuxedos and white wedding dresses, standing on the steps of the SL temple, smiling so brightly, their futures together so full of hope and happiness.
(I'm sure you've seen them too, or maybe were one of them)

Then it makes me sad and a bit angry that one spouse would choose a building, or as someone stated, a "role" over a person whom they've shared so much.