I know, I know, it's illogical, it's "in the past," he's with me now, it's harmful. But I can't stop obsessing over my boyfriend's past. I know I have to, and I know WHY I should. But what I don't know is practically speaking, how to start doing that and thinking differently when those thoughts or images enter my mind. Help? Advice?

I don't know how to 'deal' with a current partner's past, but I know it can be difficult. My inability to deal with this helped ruin my relationship with my ex- (she was my first, and I was her 21st, which included two of her cousins). Of course, it didn't help when - during a moment of intimate passion - she called out, "Oh, JOHN!"

My name isn't John...

Also, I never knew which of her cousins were involved, so that made attending her family reunions interesting...

Even though it's not logical, it may become a deal-breaker and time to move on if you cannot 'forget' or 'get over' thinking about a new partner's past. There's nothing wrong in that.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 05/05/2015 06:59AM by ragnar.

feel secure in your relationship with your partner, you can get past this. It's not easy.

Carly Simon says it best: http://youtu.be/8NCryQRna5A


I support honest discussions of STI/STD status, but sometimes we don't need to know everything.

I was/am only unable to deal with DW's past (sleeping around with a guy while going with and later being engaged to me) because it affected me personally. It was like having my pants pulled down publicly in BYU stadium. It was a struggle and took a long time to love her again, and I'm not sure why I did. In fact, that also embarrasses me that I went back to her. But that pain in the back of my head has hurt for years. Finally the guy in DW's past passed away. His son circulated pictures of him on line, and God, he looked between 75 and 80 but was much years or more younger. It was not just because he was sick, too. He just looked bad for his age. Pluse he died in poverty and his kids had to beg friends to donate for his burial. I'm happy that he's no longer in my life and that I have photographic proof that DW did so much better with me. I'm not humble about this. Am I better than he? Yes, most definitely.

But back to you. It is not an easy go. You need to estimate whether or not you will be able to handle it, and if years out from now, you will be handling his past just fine. If you can't see yourself handling it well, then do not get in any deeper.

I hate to be a downer, but if it's a problem now, it's not likely to improve over time. I know. Similar situation to ragnar above.
You'll always wonder if your partner is imagining themselves with a past lover when they're with you. Especially when the relationship hits a rough patch or grows stale.
I don't know what to tell you. After a certain age, you're not going to meet very many virgins - and you wouldn't want a 40 year old virgin anyways . So either you find a way to deal with it or else you score a few points of your own before you settle down. Good luck.

Google high sensation seekers. It's a good read.

if your partner never speaks of the exes and especially doesn't speak TO any ex then I'm not really sure why it bothers you, unless the ex is a constant feature in your lives/neighbourhood/peer group. Unless, of course, you think your 'purity' or lack of experience makes you 'too good' for current 'spoiled goods' partner.

If you picked your current partner due to their confidence, or being grounded, or attentiveness, or any other myriad of positive traits, then this has come about because of that past experience (not just sexual but inter-personal). You cannot admire something caused by their past and obsess over it in another breath. That is a bit hypocritical.

It is not so much 'the past' that bothers you, that is just what you are focusing your feelings on. Perhaps there is more to this relationship you are unsure of and this is an easier letgo, especially if YOU have intimacy problems. In that case it is always the easy option to make your excuses to leave the relationship to prevent your possible future heartbreak.

Alternatively, are YOU going to be 'the one' to treat this new partner right, the way they deserve to be treated?

You have a lot to think about, methinks, but bottom line is, like the posters above have said, it is YOUR life and YOU have to be happy with YOUR choices - good or bad though they may turn out to be.

Counselling. And soon.

The thoughts keep coming because you're bothered by his past (rather than truly accepting that everyone has a past before the current relationship). I think the first step is to examine what, exactly, it is about it that bothers you. Is it that he had other sexual partners? Is it that he was close to others (like he is to you now) but he broke up with them (as you fear he might do with you in the future)? Is his past just the excuse wrapped around some other issue? Is it that you're actually envious rather than jealous of his relationship/sexual history? Something else? I don't think you'll find relief until you figure it out.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/05/2015 10:24AM by Stray Mutt.

This makes my stomach hurt thinking about it. I know this situation, too. If I had known how much my wife's indiscretions hurt haunted me, I likely would have not married her. My advice would be to pass on him unless you can absolutely, in some fashion, guarantee it will never bother you in future.

I had a really tough time with this when I reconnected with the nonmormon I wanted to marry in my 20s. I knew he had several past sexual partners when we were dating in our 20s. I know it was a deal breaker back then. I just couldn't let it go when we got back together some 28 years later. My therapist helped me with it a lot. One of the points we talked about was the mormon idea of marrying your king or queen, who had saved themselves for marriage. My husband hadn't either. He had had more sexual partners (men) than my old nonmo boyfriend had had (women).

We discussed what makes a person have value. Does it have anything to do with other sexual partners? I had to answer him truthfully that NO it doesn't. Do I value him less because of all his sexual partners. No. I kind of (at the time) wished I had had more sexual partners so he had to be bugged by the whole issue. He definitely was bothered by the fact I went on to marry someone gay when I could have married HIM. Even as a good old nonmormon, I think it would have bothered both my ex and my boyfriend had I had any more sexual partners. It blew my ex's mind when he found out I had sex with my boyfriend. He was beyond jealous even if he is gay.

Anyway, I don't know what finally helped me get over it as I could care less now. One thing though is I found out who some of his ex-sexual partners were. I knew them as they worked at the same place we did back when we first met. I wasn't impressed. I always had in my mind these other women were a better specimen than I was. Nope. He is damn lucky to have me and he knows it.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 05/05/2015 11:16AM by cl2.

+1 on the mormon programming problem. Not so much about sex for me, but about the magical idea of the perfect RM.

Me, too. I struggled with that, too. In fact, when I dated my current boyfriend in my 20s, we had many a discussion about this. He even said he would convert and marry me in the temple, but he WAS NOT going to serve a mission. I don't know what I was thinking.

Just before my old boyfriend came back into the picture, my son and I were talking and I said to him that I had to have a temple marriage and RM at ALL COSTS. I paid a VERY high price. I don't regret my life choices any more. I can't go through life feeling bad for things that I can do nothing about now, but I did pay a high price for that RM.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 05/05/2015 07:57PM by cl2.

Humans are sexual beings, from puberty onward. Some are more sexual than others, that is the way they are. Hormones, neurotransmitters, endorphins...

If humans aren't thinking about sex, they're noticing someone, checking out someone, or lusting over some one. Whether they are rubbing one out solo, they are having it with someone.

IMO sex isn't the bonding emotional connection. It can help it, but it isn't love, or an infatuation, crush, deep connection.

Humans either like being pursued, or like to pursue. Maybe he could be jealous of all the times you've dressed sexy and gone clubbing only to have guys check you out, hit on you, or grind on you.

My point is that we all express sexuality in different ways. Married monogamous couples have lots of sex, apparently more than singles. And sometimes married monogamous sex can get pretty kinky as couple experiment to spice things up.

We tend to not remember past sex as much as those we've emotionally connected with in a major way.

If you're not 17 anymore, everyone you are with is going to have

a "past'.

I think you just have to feel very secure with your new

partner and really feel that he loves you and no one else

for you to get over those insecure feelings.

I'm very lucky to have that . I have good reason not to

trust any man, but I trust my BF. Its a beautiful thing,

I hope you can have that too.

I once had a boyfriend that had a promiscuous past. At first, it didn't bother me because he seemed very focused on our relationship. A few months later, he started disappearing for a couple of days at a time. Little things like that would come up here and there, but they became consistent enough that I started wondering if I could really trust him. It turns out that I should have trusted my instincts.

I'm not saying that people with a past are always like that, but if you are feeling uncomfortable, it would be important to your relationship to assess how you are being treated. I think we get subconscious signals that something is off.

You are assigning a value to virginity that it just doesn't merit. Being an exmo, you have been subjected to some deep programming in this regard. The truth is, the older you get the less relevant virginity will be. In the end, sex is just sex. It has the value that you assign to it.

It can take you many decades to get this figured out, or you can have counseling to speed up the process. I suggest the latter unless you want to lose a perfectly good man.

It's not about sex...more the emotional aspects of the relationships. The sex is sort of whatever. Don't much care about that. Everyone is sexual.

The only way to let go of the past is by putting yourself in the today. Unless there's a history of cheating or lack of integrity that he continued to display, his past relationships have nothing to do with you. We are the sum total of the relationships in our lives- both the good and the bad. If your BF is a good person, perhaps it's because he has learned along the way?