I met Jim when I was 10. We were in the same ward, and about the same age. We went to church together, became friends...went to school together, became deacons, teachers, priests together. Spent our growing-up high school years together. Myself, Jim, and another male friend were the "three musketeers" of our ward -- spending much of our free time together, looking out for each other, we even all bought Mustangs (mine a '67 blue, Jim's a '66 red, and our other friend's a '65 white) and would cruise the local streets "in formation."

Jim was a bit different. He wasn't nearly as interested in girls as I and our other friend was. But that was OK. At age 16, he found out he was adopted, an "LDS agency" baby that came from some poor single LDS girl, and got shuffled off to a worthy LDS family. He told us, and seemed OK with it, but used to say that explained why his parents (who weren't his real parents) always treated him "distantly," and were especially hard on him when he made a mistake.

When high school ended, I prepared to go on a mission, while Jim decided his best course was to enlist in the Air Force -- to the chagrin of his parents, who essentially disowned him for not going on a mission. Just before he headed off to basic training, we drove our Mustangs up to a local mountaintop, sat and watched the sunrise, and he confessed to me that he thought he might be gay, and hoped I would still be his friend. I told him I had figured that out years ago, and of course I'd still be his friend. He left a week later, I went on a mission about six months later, and I didn't see him for a long time. We wrote occasionally while I was on mission, I tried to avoid being all "churchy," he told me about the Air Force, and admitted how hard it was to be himself since being gay there was as hard as it was being a mormon.

When I got home from my mission, I left the church after about 3 months. Word got through the local friends network to him, and about a month after I got a letter from him, stationed far away, telling me he thought I had done the right thing, and that he hoped I was enjoying my freedom. It was nice to have one of my old friends agree with me and support me, and he was just about the only one that did. I was suddenly anathema to all the mormons I'd grown up with except Jim.

About two years later, done with his tour of duty in the Air Force, Jim came back to California. I was going to college full-time, and had my own apartment...he got my address from my dad, and just showed up one day. I hadn't seen him in 4 years, and it was a grand reunion -- a decidedly non-mormon one, celebrated with some beers and lots of "screw the cult" talk. He'd gotten a job working as an aircraft mechanic, and I thought he was going to be OK. He stayed for 2 days, we had a great time, and we parted assuring each other we'd keep in touch.
Then he dropped off the map. I called the # he gave me, and it was disconnected. I wrote to the address he gave me, and the letters were returned. Nobody seemed to know where he was. I missed my friend, and worried about him.

Until I got a letter from our third "musketeer." Still a TBM. The letter told me that Jim had been found dead in his apartment. Suicide, overdose of pills. A note had been left, but I wasn't told what was in it. The funeral was 2 days away, and I of course went to it -- his parents weren't there, none of our teen TBM friends were there, only our third musketeer and I, an older brother (not adopted), and a couple of friends from the Air Force. It was small, short, and very sad. He died 30 years ago today.

At the funeral, I got to see the note he left. It made me sad and angry, and now I knew why no mormons had attended the funeral.

In it, he said he'd been molested by two male priesthoold holders as a child, men I had known in our ward (and about whom many felt "there was something not quite right"). He said he'd never reported it out of fear, and because if he was honest, he had liked it at least a little. Because he felt that he liked males anyway, even by age 12, and because he felt so glad that somebody was paying attention to him and wanted him.
He said he couldn't stand the hypocrisy in the church, condemning sex and gays, while priesthood leaders were taking advantage of young men in the church. He couldn't get over his parents disowning him because he didn't believe in the church, didn't go on a mission, and was gay. he couldn't get over all the people who claimed to be his friends ditching him when he didn't "conform." He felt he couldn't live as himself (this was 1985, remember, and being "out" was still social suicide for the most part, even outside of mormonism), and he couldn't live as something he wasn't...so he felt he couldn't live.
The last thing in the note:
"<ificouldhietokolob> is the only person who ever cared about me for me. I love him like a brother, and will miss him. I won't miss anyone else."

I miss my friend. I can't stand the mormon culture that he never could fit into, and which hated him for being himself. And I'm so glad he had at least one person in his life who didn't care if he was mormon, didn't care if he was gay, didn't care if he didn't "fit in" -- but who just cared about him...and I'm glad that was me.

Thanks so much for sharing this. It's so sad. But that is so great that you cared for him no matter who he was. That is one thing I have always tried to do, even as a TBM. I treat people how they treat me. I don't care what beliefs they have.


I'm sorry you lost a good friend.

I'm crying.

This is a wonderful and beautiful tribute to your friend...and to true friendship.

Thank you for writing this today.

I am so sorry for the loss. the loss of your friend from your life and the loss of his innocence from trusted, but evil, men.

I'm sorry you lost your friend.

The men who did this must have abused other kids also. They knew your friend was vulnerable.

Between being adopted, Mormon, molested, gay, disowned, and in a homophobic military... he had so much to deal with, a five layer guilt and shame sandwich.

We can honor his memory here. Cheers to your friend. We can honor him by being aware of those who may need help, and by endorsing legislation to protect human rights.

Ex-Sis Wrote:
-------------------------
> We can honor his memory here. Cheers to your
> friend. We can honor him by being aware of those
> who may need help, and by endorsing legislation to
> protect human rights.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"AMEN" to this!

Any time you want to know what UNCONDITIONAL LOVE is all about, look at your mug in the mirror... and think of Jim.

I wanna be like you when I grow up, K?

My heart is breaking over this young man's death.

Thank you for your lovely tribute.

Thank you for sharing this.

So sorry for your loss. You are Jim's legacy. Thank you for sharing this story. His story. Your story. Hugs

very sad story. There must be a way momo culture could support the gays more? The doctrines need to be changed or something, but I guess that can't happen. It's a hard world.

Every time I hear about another gay-mormon-teen suicide, I think of him.
The worst part: Things got better for gays. Not in the church, of course, but otherwise in the world. If he could have hung on for another 10 years, he could be alive and well and considered a credit to his community now.

Thanks for all the kind words. Even after 30 years, I can't write his story (my story) without tears.

ificouldhietokolob Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> He said he'd never
> reported it out of fear, and because if he was
> honest, he had liked it at least a little.
> Because he felt that he liked males anyway, even
> by age 12, and because he felt so glad that
> somebody was paying attention to him and wanted
> him.

Boy, that brought a flood of memories and an overflow of emotions. As a sexually molested kid who had narcissistic neglectful parents and was sexually curious about both sexes I can relate.

You want someone to love you for who you are. You are groomed by an adult because this is so painfully obvious and you are a naturally curious child.

When the realization hits that you are a sexual object for some people and a puppet for your parents any delusions propping up your self image come crashing down around you.

I'm glad your friend had someone in the world who cared if he lived or died while he was living.

Elder Berry Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> When the realization hits that you are a sexual
> object for some people and a puppet for your
> parents any delusions propping up your self image
> come crashing down around you.

So true.
On his visit to me, one of the last things we talked about came from me suggesting that he could hopefully find someone to share his life with, even if he had to be "discrete" about it.

"You know what?" he told me, "I can only f*ck someone I don't give a crap about. It's never about love. How messed up is that?"

I didn't know about the molestations at the time. I agreed it was messed up, but still held out hope he'd find somebody to love. He never did. :((

ificouldhietokolob Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> "You know what?" he told me, "I can only f*ck
> someone I don't give a crap about. It's never
> about love. How messed up is that?"

It is. And before I met my wife I felt the same. I was fooling around with men I could care less about before my mission and then after my mission I was dating women I could careless about. It seemed to be a requirement for me to be interested in them. It was quite confusing. I had resolved to never marry and never have sex.

I knew I would break the sex resolve. Then I met my wife and had a visceral reaction and an ignition of passion. I had no idea if I liked boys or girls but when I met her I knew I liked her a lot. I felt that if I couldn't have her in my life would be meaningless to me.

Here I was a confused young adult who was attributing sobering up to Mormonism and trying to do the right thing in finding a wife knowing I was just as attracted to men as I was to women.

I think that when authentic love is missing in someone's life and they are abused in their seeking it that they can become hopeless in finding an authentic love relationship ever.

And if you follow and believe LDS Inc. in trying to get get an authentic love after being victimized in a fruitless search for it, you are in for more heartache and loneliness than you can imagine.

Those who do are lucky. I was lucky. I'm sorry your friend wasn't. Fucking and caring are not divinely connected regardless of what the Mormons think.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/06/2015 05:59PM by Elder Berry.

I'm sure he was more than grateful to have you as a friend. I'm sorry to hear about his passing, even though it was so many years ago.

Sorry for the tragic loss of your friend.

It's horrible what he lived through, and that his own family weren't there for him when he needed them the most.

You never get over losing someone you love. Time does not lessen their loss.

By remembering him, you honor him.

Incredible post, ificouldhietokolob. Thank you for sharing.

My best friend from high school is currently dealing with gender identity challenges. I never, ever suspected. I lost contact after he felt so ashamed that he thought no one would stand by him as he began transforming to "her".

I told her (note my own respectful change in reference) that our friendship was, is and always will be solid and that she could always count on my friendship and full support.

I don't say this for myself. I say this to show that even one can make a difference. Even though Jim cut his own life short, you made a difference, ificouldhietokolob. No doubt.

That's a true friend. Again, thank you for sharing.

moose Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I told her (note my own respectful change in
> reference) that our friendship was, is and always
> will be solid and that she could always count on
> my friendship and full support.

You're the #1 moose in my book :)

Jebus Cripes. That kind of hurt.....god damnit.

Thanks for sharing Jim's life. It shows how honest, honorable, and special Jim was. It also shows the character of those hypocritical cruel and upstanding (in the churches eyes) TBMs are. That alone should make the masses leave tscc. The sadness is not for Jim, but tscc people that find molestation no problem.

I feel for you on this 30th anniversary of your friend's passing. Thank you for taking the time to write and share this. At least he knew he had you as a true friend. For that you can be proud.

I'm deeply touched by your comment and I must tell you, you're a kind and caring person, a rarity.

There aren't many in the LDS Church who behave like you and Jim knew it. Thank God for people who show kindness regardless of sexual orientation, race or religion.

I have met a few in the Mormon Church who don't judge, a handful of people who accepted me unconditionally, but it's not the norm.

Thank you for reminding me religion has nothing to do with being a good person, and just how important it is to have a support system when family disowns you and a church let's you down.

I'm sorry for your loss and the senseless loss of another son in TSCC.

Thank you for sharing as I sit back and weep.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/06/2015 05:46PM by frackenmess.

That is so sad and as a parent, I cannot understand the mindset that would have a parent disown their child just because the child thought differently than they did.

I hope you can take comfort that you were such a comfort to your friend and accepting of him. It clearly had an impact on him.

I had a dear friend in HS. We were priests together. He did a mission. I got my degree. I admitted I was gay. He admitted tendencies, but he wanted to stay straight. When I accepted my gayness and left the church, I stayed away to protect him. Years later I found him and we began an exchange that helped him accept himself, but once again he wanted to stay Mormon. He life had been a wreak with two failed marriages. January 2014 he disappeared. I have no idea what happened and I have no way to contact him. Your post broke my heart. I grieve with you. Although I am now agnostic, I hold out hope that we will be with those we have truly loved, some time, some place. Peace.

Your story of your friend reminded me of my cousin who died

about 20 years ago. He was gay, gifted and much loved by our

TBM family. He killed himself after the death of his lover

and his separating him self from the family. He left no note

he just left. He was irreplaceable and your story reminded

me of him. It still makes me sad.

I sincerely hope some GA reads my post and all of your replies...
And understands how much damage "We can only love and accept you if you fit in our tiny little mormon box of behavior" causes.

Because it's a LOT.

I feel badly for both you and Jim. If it'd help, I'd give you a hug. Granted, it won't bring Jim back, but it could help you.

I'd say you have no idea how really beautiful your honest stripped down friendship was for your friend, Jim. But, after reading your post--I know you do. And as someone not very far from that story in my own life, I do too. You made a profound difference only by being who you really are.


Mormons don't like it much when you are who you really are, do they.

Your love and kindness to another has given you some peace. You deserve it. Thank God you were a good friend to Jim. His story is so sad. He could have been himself and lived a good life--in a world where the Mormon cult was not in charge--in NY or SF or in a family with other beliefs--or in a family who could love unconditionally.

Thank you for your moving post. I'm crying. I feel that most of the people on RFM don't realize how hateful and abusive the Mormon cult really is. The bishop's creepy 17-year-old son attempted to molest my little girl, and she was the one who was threatened to keep it a secret all those years, who was the brunt of gossip and shunning, struggled with bulilmia. We resigned from the cult, found her a great non-Mormon psychiatrist, and with a lot of effort, she is doing very well, now.

The others have not been so lucky. My niece and nephew and a cousin committed suicide, when they were in their early 20's. They all left letters, and the Mormon negativity, the shunning, the hatred, were clearly the root of their despair. I think of these young people--forever young, forever vulnerable--every day.

I'm so sorry---for you and your friend, and for us all. Can we, somehow, make a better day tomorrow? I'm gonna try.