Recently, I organized my closet and found a few keepsake items. One was a note my mom had given me years ago, I don’t recall if I was in high school or college. I used to carry it with me and read it often. My parents only occasionally express their affections toward their kids. So when I received a note from my mom with lovely sentiments, I cherished it.

Church was always present in our lives, attendance was always expected, and we all did what we were expected to do. However, as a family we rarely discussed gospel doctrine or churchy things. I guess I didn’t consider my churchiness as weighing in too much in parents’ love for me.

When I reread this note after so many years, and having been openly out of the church for two years, I was surprised to see my testimony and church mentioned! And I realized it is one of the main factors my mom was proud of about me. It really hit me how invasive church really is, even in families that don’t talk about it all the time. It’s still underlining every event. It’s still a benchmark of your accomplishments, if you’ve been “faithful” and if you’re checking off the boxes, YW award, seminary graduation, church school, callings, regular attendance, etc.

Would my other accomplishments in life have been acceptable if I had ditched the church in my youth? Or would that have lessened the value of these other things?

Who knows? It does make me wonder what such a note would read these days if my mom felt so inclined to write me again. And it makes me kind of sad now to read that note, knowing how much my mom probably feels disappointment in my choices, fear for my eternal soul, failure in her abilities to raise me.

Stupid church.

Anyway, here’s the note from my mom:

“Thank you for the sweet Mother’s Day note. You will never understand how much you have meant to me. To see the way you have grown up and the type of life you lead is worth more to me and your dad than anything you could buy in a store.

“We are both so proud of your accomplishments and your strong testimony of the church. To know that your child thinks you did a great job raising her/him and see evidence of that fact makes everything worthwhile.

“Your mom and dad love you kids and are pleased with each and every one of you.”

******

I realize that many of you have felt the church wins your family's affection in your place. I guess this note made me realize how much church influences my family's view of myself and the others who are still active.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/11/2015 11:42AM by crookedletter.

Those are the kind of notes us kids would get. They masked the truth. Are parents love the church and the church tells them to pretend to love us - fake it till you make it.

My mom handled my exit better than I thought she would. I've successfully had a glass of wine in front of her. She was having a "disagreement" with my dad, though. So my wine was the less worrisome thing at the time. Lol

Still, it's got to be a tough adjustment for her to figure out our worth and her worth, without the church factor. I was joined by another sibling in our exit. So the family has a tidy split down the middle. Now church is just the elephant in the room. The TBMs are slowly figuring out that we exmos are still familiar with church terminology, and they don't have to avoid using church words, like visiting teachers, primary, callings.

crookedletter Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Still, it's got to be a tough adjustment for her
> to figure out our worth and her worth, without the
> church factor.

To give you my perspective. If my mother saw a glass of wine in my hand she would go ape shit crazy. She would claim the devil was present, she would cry, she would swing to anger and call me evil and of the devil. In other words, she would throw one big ass dramatic show.

Your mother sounds actually more like a loving mother than the mess I have to call mother.

Sorry, Elder Berry. Now that I'm a mom, I worry about how I affect my kids. Church won't knowingly be a factor, as we're raising kiddos outside of TSCC. However, I feel quite lost sometimes about what I'm doing and seem to revert back to unrealistic expectations of perfection from the school-aged kids. Hopefully, I won't fail at showing more affection and a better balance. :(

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/12/2015 12:19AM by crookedletter.

Good for you. One of my biggest personal struggles and demons in life is how Mormonism masks bad behavior and calls it good.

I tell people about the words my family uses yet I can't communicate the deadness, lack of real love, and fixation on appearances.

From facebook I gather some of my sibling are more accepting and love their children but they know their mother would never do that to them yet they perpetuate the ruse that we are a great family.

I envy anything less superficial, Mormon factory family run by narcissists.

You've done everything asked of you crooked
except the most important: Endure to the end.

Because you have not remained faithful,
it reflects poorly on your parents.
They obviously didn't teach you well.
And it seemed you were on the right track
for so long too. Such a pity.

The very elect will be deceived.
And so there goes your proof.

Because she sees it as a reflection of her parenting skills. She didn't say she was proud of their unique talents or accomplishments. She is tooting her own horn because the church tells her this devout behavior was to her credit.

Part of maturing is learning not to base self esteem on what parents think or say. It's difficult, but we all need to learn to separate from what parents believe about us and what is our own authentic reality. As long as the Mormon church dominates your mother, you can't rely on her opinions because they're coming from an organization that controls her.

Cheryl Wrote:
------------------------------
> As long as the Mormon
> church dominates your mother, you can't rely on her opinions because they're coming from an
> organization that controls her.

I agree with Cheryl here. Your mom obviously loves you, but this love comes with certain terms and conditions. And I think she may feel some sort of failure as a mother because all of her kids are not good Mormons. She shouldn't feel this way. As Cheryl pointed out, your mom should be proud of the individual accomplishments of each child, but you not being a TBM clouds her mind. TBM's are a very cold people.

Thanks, everyone. I guess I was caught off guard not realizing how tied in TSCC was to that relationship at that point in time. These days I make myself available to my tbm family members, but they rarely bring church up. So it goes...

Hey, at least your kids will never find a note that makes them feel the way this one made you feel. Maybe they can clean out a closet in 20 years and find an old note from you that will talk about how great they are without mentioning some stupid church. ;-) Start writing missy!

This brings to mind an essay I thoroughly enjoy, written by former Mormon Bob McCue. From "The Mormon Mask," here is his observation on love and testimony in the Mormon Church:

" . . . expressions of love within Mormon families often occur in the context of testimony bearing or fathers’ blessings. . . Therefore, the Mormon Church determines the main parameters of and otherwise brokers the expression of love and other transmission of important emotions between family members. It then takes credit for the wonderful feelings that occur as a result of intimate expressions of this type, thus harnessing this powerful human force to keep the Mormon mask in place. This formula is seen in countless aspects of Mormon culture. It is, for example, the formula followed in Mormon testimony meetings all over the globe. The smallest children lisp, 'I love my Mommy and Daddy, and I know the Church is true!' in that environment. And for all others, the testimony formula is dictated and it inextricably links the expression of love for family, and expression of certain belief in the basic tenets of Mormonism. The feelings for one are hence intertwined with feelings for the other."

And from the same essay, he relates his experience at a family reunion:

" . . . each evening at the family reunion featured an activity that allowed the patriarchs and matriarchs of the group to bear testimony to the truthfulness and importance of the Mormon way of life to younger family members, and to express their genuine love for those present. That expression of love, mingled with Mormon testimony, contains a powerful subtext – 'If you do not believe and obey as we do, it will cause us great pain, and you don’t hurt the ones you love!'"

(Link:http://www.postmormon.org/exp_e/index.php/magazine/pmm_article_full_text/the_mormon_mask/)

This experience certainly rings true for me. DD was not very liberal with expressing his emotions (other than frustration). But I do recall a fast and testimony meeting he stood and specifically directed his comments us, his children, that he had a testimony of the church and that he loved each of us. It's funny and sad that a father would choose such a setting to express to us what he rarely would say at home.

Yes, Elder Strangelove. It's nice to have expressions of love publicly from one's dad. One on one, though, probably not going to happen. The most emotional I have ever seen my dad was as he relayed a plot of a dang boring movie to me in a grocery store checkout line. He was choking, holding back tears, as he spoke. What?! Never have seen that much emotion from him over a family member. The barrier between the patriarch of the family and the kids was, and still is, not to be breached.

These (our) moms love us, and our "testimonies"- many times mostly preferring the latter.

They forget we have testimonies - stronger than ever - that THE 'CHURCH' ISN'T TRUE/ is FALSE/ not even partially truthful with its membership, and the world at large.

They - many of them - (maybe) are stuck between a rock and a hard place. The rock of ignorance (LDS lies and personal worth/doubt) and the hard place of truth, and light... and finding it in the dark(ness of Mormonism).

The Mormon church teaches (AND PRACTICES) separation from the real, causing many members to miss some of the most important moments in life.

It teaches that AFTER WE DIE...
Rather than, LIVE RIGHT NOW!!!

Partake of the fruit of life and reap the rewards of living in the moment... rather than storing everything up for tomorrow (including family savings used/ taken for "tithing").

My testimony is of the real: I can see it - I can imagine it - I can believe it. IT IS REAL!

[It has nothing to do with Joe what's his name or the robotic church of morons]

How can you have a testimony of family when it acts like that? That's crushed! It doesn't connect on the value of the real!

The (LDS) "church" has led them away from that. And not even into the surreal, but instead, into the profane, dark and dreary world of spiritual nitpickYness, psychological wars, moral twistyness and negative views and attitudes on the otherwise most beautiful, and natural, even healthy, parts of life.

Unconventional love and LDS culture don't mix. LDS takes, by example, while loving requires giving.

Thanks, moremany. I do feel my mom feels stuck in a hard place. She's only ever known life as a mormon. She clings to the good things about it, even after experiencing troubled times with some leaders. Too bad that when she was most over the church, her kids were all encouraging her to stay strong in it. Now some of us are out and wish we hadn't missed that chance. Haha.