for Duder and raptor jesus and Don B. and Greyfort and so many of you that I love without ever having even met. And for me.

I am preparing to go home to the beaches of so. Cal. where I grew up, ALONE, for a couple of weeks, and I am excited. The memories of splashing in the waves nearly every day of my childhood with the man I loved most in the world come rushing back, and I remember how it felt, just for a moment, to truly feel alive and happy, and I then I cry for all that was so innocent and now long gone; never to be a part of my world again.

I miss him so much; I find myself everyday glancing at his picture on my dresser drawer, the man who loved me first and best, and then exited my life at the unthinkable age of 38, I ten, having no idea then of how young we both were, far too young. I have never been the same.

I have a beautful grandson, born on my 50th birthday, now age 10 himself, whose father, my second son and named after my father turned 38 in March. The fear of history repeating itself plagues my mind at night these past weeks. Though this fear is irrational and unfounded, my mind plays tricks in the dark.

This son is far more like me than any of my other children, and in every way reminds me of the father I loved more than life. He has the very same piercing blue eyes, same tenderness of being able to cry unashamed, and somehow brings my father back to me. It has been a very long time, 50 years since I last saw my dad, but his memory is not, in the least, dimmed by time.

When he left, I was not allowed to cry. He died on a Sat. night, and I went to church with the neighbors the next morning. No one ever spoke of it, ever, and I worried a lot that we would die too, because my mom had never worked, and I could not figure out what we would eat. I lied to me in order to survive, that he had not really died, that he was at work, or in the next room. I lived like that, in the deepest of denial for 9 years, until one day I finally broke wide open with the grief my child had hidden so well for so long.

He left me, however, believing somehow that love was good and kind, and that I would find it again one day, and things would be okay. He made me believe I was lovable. At 19 I married and learned how wrong he was. I miss him; I stand in awe of the man I have since learned he was.

We will romp on the beach together and take long walks at sunset in less than a week. He will come and help heal my broken pieces. These tears that wet my pillow are now of gratitude, and finally, at last, I sleep.



Edited 6 time(s). Last edit at 04/05/2011 10:16AM by think4u.

What a beautiful post. My dad died when I was in my 40s and I miss him every day. I can't imagine having grown up without him.

Thanks for sharing.

You lost your father at the age when children idolize their parents most. You are lucky to have such good memories.

To my father and my brother I was the whipping boy for my mother. She was too much to take on so they went for me, the youngest, the most like my mom, her helper. My father lived until his early 80s and by the time he died just about all the positive things I had thought he was, I realized were false. In many ways he was my mother's creation. She made him out to be a far better person than he was and she kept her deepest betrayals hidden. The saddest thing is that several years after his death I realized that I was probably his favorite child and my apathy and sometimes rejection cut him to the core. However he could never just be on my side-- the politics would not allow him so I thought that his rejection and his criticisms were my fault. I was just never good enough. That is the legacy I have from my father.

Having lost your father so young just stops time in a perfect moment. And no one can ever love you that way again. But at least you can see him as someone positive in your life.

Your post is really beautiful. It warms my heart to read about people who love their dads, even though I'm sad to read that you lost yours at such a young age.

I love that thought, QtRN, time stopped in a perfect moment, and the snapshots of memory were taken and remain clear upon my heart.

Awww, think4u, *BIG HUGS* to you.

I have a horrible feeling that I will lose both of my parents very close together. They're now 81 and 83. After just losing my cat, I don't know how I'm going to deal with that.

Too much loss, too close together. Of course, they could still live another 10 years, but I have to be realistic too and prepare myself as well.

I've had the good fortune of living with my parents for most of my 52 years. I've moved away twice, only to end up moving back home again because I just can't afford to live on my own. That scares me.

You know, your situation reminds me a lot of a friend of mine. Her Dad died when she was 17, and they wouldn't allow her to cry.

20 years later, she was at work, and she just lost it. She asked to be allowed to leave work and she went to the cemetery where she just sobbed her heart out. She kept saying, "Daddy, they wouldn't let me cry."

I have a book which is called "Feelings Buried Alive, Never Die." The book was rather strange, but I've never forgotten the title of it.

The same thing happened to me when my best friend died when we were only 16. She'd died in her sleep of a brain aneurysm. Her funeral was on Christmas Eve, so not wanting to spoil everyone's Christmas, I just shoved it aside and tried not to cry, even though I was in absolute shock. It also happened 2 weeks after I'd lost my Nana - the only grandparent that I'd ever known.

I didn't really deal with it until I visited her grave when I was 30. I used to tell myself that she hadn't died. Her parents had found out that I was a Mormon and they didn't want her to see me anymore. Yeah, that was it. Of course it wasn't, but that's how I dealt with it at the time.

I'm glad that you can deal with it now. Cry as much as you need to. It really does help. It doesn't matter how long it has been since we've suffered a loss. At some point, it will demand to be dealt with.

Again, *HUGS*, and thank you for sharing such beautiful thoughts with us.

(Edited to correct one typo.)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/05/2011 08:38AM by Greyfort.

Thank you Greyfort. I looked up you exit story and loved reading every word. We have both been through much. We are survivors!

I somewhat know how you feel about your son and grandson.

(Edited out the story so that personal stuff isn't out there to be found for so long)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/05/2011 04:21PM by DNA.

DNA, I had near exactly the same experience. When I turned 38, the age my father died, I began to have heart palpitations and alot of panic attacks. I was terrified that I would die, and not be there to raise the 5 children I so dearly loved. I knew no one else would or could love them as much as I did.

I ended up in the ER about 6 or 7 times, twice in the middle of the night, when my oldest son offered to take me, because his father refused.

The Drs. basically told me I was crazy, so I finally spent 3 days in a mental hospital, with a heart monitor on, and it did show a lot of irregular heart beats, which felt so very scary, as if my heart was actually stopping, then beating really fast again. The cause was of course anxiety.

After being given some medication and being reassured that these PVC's I was having were nothing that would kill me, I got out of there, took my 2 little girls and hopped a plane to San Diego just to be alone with them for a week and try to recover.

It was a horrible year in my life, and even then I was able to finally figured out why it all happened. My fear of the repetition of history. Now I am 22 years older than my father was when he left earth, my kids are raised with families of their own, and I have no longer any fear of death. Some fears of getting there, maybe, but none of being stardust once again.

Last year my oldest granddaughter was 10 when her baby sister died, and she is a very sensitive child and her mom says she has taken it by far the hardest. I have not seen her since the funeral last Aug.8, for reasons I think you all know. Trials are not just for mormons being tested by God, we all know that.



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 04/05/2011 09:02PM by think4u.

Thank you all, and I forgot to mention that my best friend in the world , Col. Moroni, will be flying in to join me for the last 4 days of my trip, then we will drive home together. I need to get off of here and start getting ready to go!

Your experience mirrors that of an LDS friend, whose father suddenly passed away from a heart attack at only 41. She also was 10 or 11 when her father passed away right after they had all just gone water skiing. He lay back on the dock and expired with his family present. She liked to put on the dry eye and stiff upper lip when she talked of it, but the hurt was obvious.

Many of us have been victims of the Mormon thinking that virtually prohibits mourning a loss. When I was 15, my mother passed away on a Sunday. On Monday morning, after getting very little sleep, I was hustled out of bed by my LDS foster parents and shoved out the door with the admonition that there would be no mourning, that my mother had merely gone to a different world and that I'd join her soon enough--as long as I kept all the commandments! Death, funeral and all, I didn't miss a day of school. Weird people, Mormons.


I forgot to ask, where did you grow up down there? I hope you have a good trip and enjoy yourself.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/05/2011 09:51AM by cludgie.

I never missed a day of school either. So strange. When I saw your post I thought of you and you cat and wished I would have noted that my tears were as well for you. I am so sorry for your loss.

I grew up in a small coastal town, Cardiff-by-the-Sea, about 30 miles N. of San Diego. You could watch the waves crash from our house.

I will be staying at my timeshare at the Carlsbad Inn, in the beautiful town of Carlsbad, just 15 min. north of Cardiff, right on the ocean and just my favorite place in the world.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/05/2011 10:35AM by think4u.

California here I come! (grew up in the Bay Area, but San Diego area is fantastic). Think4u and Me will have so much fun chasing seagulls on the beach, humming Beach Boy Songs, and communing over California pizza. Can't wait!

there is no greater!! :( cry..... and then enjoy the BEACH!! :)

That was a beautiful post. I really appreciate your kind words, and your willingness to share so many intimate feelings.

I noticed books were recommended. After my brother died, the only book that seemed to help me was called, "When Things Fall Apart." It's got a lot of Buddhism in it, and just some wonderful reminders that we can handle anything.

Keep breathing.

I love the teachings and peaceful ways of Buddhism.

First of all, I hope you have a wonderful trip to CA. It could be very theraputic and hopefully will give you a chance to be away, clear your mind and be able to make good decisions for your future.

But I hate that you will also have bittersweet memories associated with being there. It's neat that you had such a wonderful father and do have so many great memories of him. It brought a tear to my eye reading of your romping through the waves with him and idolizing him.

Your story brought back some memories for me too, but of my grandfather. Losing my own father won't be nearly as hard as losing my grandfather was. He was truly the love of my life and I was 19 when he passed. There were 5 children in our TBM family and I have 5 cousins in the non-mormon family. We were all beside ourselves. But my cousins were crying at the funeral, really hard. My mother sat there saying, "oh, I wish they would stop that. It's just so bad that they don't have the gospel, blah, blah, blah." I was so envious of them. Their parents let them cry and get it out and I was trying SO hard to hold it all in and my mother didn't seem to have any problem with it whatsoever. My grandfather had only joined the church to marry my grandmother and they'd never really been active. I guess my mother was just so disgusted (it was my father's dad). I couldn't wait to get back to my grandparents' house so I could run in the back yard, sit down by a tree where no one could see me and sob my heart out. I DID have "the gospel," but it didn't do one damn thing to ease my pain. If anything, it made me sadder because I thought I'd probably never see my grandpa again because he wasn't a good member of the church. (although he was the most wonderful man to ever walk God's green Earth).

People who say the Plan of Salvation helps them get through a death, really never think about it--never think about the fact that the eternal families thing only works if every single person holds to the proverbial iron rod. And even then, so everyone makes it--what next? They all get split off and go off to make their own worlds. If I have to have an afterlife belief (which I don't at the present time), trust me, the Christian one of us all being together as the family of God--no individual families, no polygamy, no eternal sex, etc., sounds MUCH more inviting to me.

So THAT is why crying was not allowed. We were HAPPY anyway, because we had the gospel. I never really got that until you said it here NR. Thanks for the enlightenment.

My mom was a rock, literally, and not in a good way. She never shed one tear, and I think now in her old age she regrets that.
She has actually told me that she is sorry we never cried or spoke about him ever again in our family.

She is trying to make her peace with the 4 of us before she dies, and I hope she really does believe that I have long since forgiven her, not only for that, but for marrying the mormon church once he was gone, and never being home, ever. She worked full time and spent the rest of her time in high profile church callings.

As a teenager I would regularly get on my knees and cry and pray to God that she would just talk to me. I learned from her how to be a very good mom, by doing just the opposite, and always putting my children first. I sometimes felt guilty because I, as a TBM, put my kids before my ex, but they were my love, and he was not a nice man, not to me anyway. It is all pretty sad, but everyone has their trials, and when we share them we find we are not at alone.



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 04/05/2011 09:44PM by think4u.

It doesn't matter how long ago it was, we never really stop missing our loved ones.

I'm very happy that you have a place to go and mourn and remember, though. How wonderful for you.

My dear Think4u.

I am sending you warmth and light across the oceans.
Crying is good. It lets out the hurt. It lets the pressure building up inside come back down.

I wish you healing and peace of heart. I hope that your trip will give you that.

Please know that you are not alone. Even those of us who have not (yet) responded directly to your posts. Like me. I hear you.

Take care of yourself. You are worth loving.

I read your exit story Think4u, written under "anon." I'm so sorry for the deep pain that you feel from the betrayal of your family. I'm sure your father would be deeply saddened to know how his posterity has treated you.

I've lived at the beach most of my life. During my worst times, I have sought solace and comfort there.

The ocean heals.

Shannon ;o)

I am curious, how in the world did you ever find or recognize my story as it is posted "anon". Did I post it online here at one time for someone, can't really remember. Anyway, I thank you so much for taking the time to read and to care. All the best to you.

I read it last night and thought you or someone gets upset with me, because I always say a prayer for peace and healings for body andsoul and didn't wanted to write it than.
I was up tinking of my mom as Holocaust rememberence day is soon here and what my mom who is now gone went trough. How she was betrayed when my TBN step-dad left her and married the 18-year old branch prez's daughter, taking almost everything with him which she bought with her reperation from the german gov. She told me on her death bed, that my little boy who had died would be with her and we all be together one day again and to rmember the good times and forgive and let God.
So, I believe that.

I just hate the pain we till feel and often it seems, so many people I meet find their family in other ppl and not within their on blood relatives. SO sad! But there are many swetpeople here who went trough so much, yet keep on keeping on with cheers from the exmo family! :)
Hang in there all!

I just got a miracle. Please see my other post. I am so happy and in just a heap of tears.

What a beautiful post. I am envious of your memories, yet I hope you build many more.

Don, I know things with your father were worse than horrible. I have read many of your heart- wrenching posts.

I thought about you last night when I was just sobbing, because though I only had him for 10 short years, I could have not imagine having had a better man for a father.

He loved me so dearly, the loss was near unbearable.

And yet, like I said, I recognize that what happened to you was far far worse. I wish all the best in the world for you.

this time to regroup, and renew yourself.
It's a time to make memories that will last you a lifetime.
Enjoy!