Waved goodbye to the cult some 22 years prior to discovering RFM. Didn't have any reservations about joining the conversation. I was actually kinda pissed. Thought I was the only one for all those years, then **BAM** and I'm like "Where the hell have you people been?"

My journey through mormonism was rather tame compared to what many here experienced. I've always been struck by the countless stories of folks who found themselves on the brink of suicide just for trying to be a good mormon. Rather disturbing to say the least. Thought and still think I was quite lucky to get out at an early age. Then came a startling discovery I just couldn't wrap my brain around.

A cult?... A f**king religious cult? ... Naw, man, cults are few and far between and only crazy people join 'em. No way, dude!

Sorry, Big Tim, but, uhhhh ... way, dude!

Recently donated several books to our local library to include my entire collection on the matter. Think I had read and absorbed every available textbook and treatise. I was quite obsessed. Took me about a year, but I finally concluded it was so.

As it turns out, there are more than 5,000 cults, religious and otherwise, in this country alone that are actively and successfully recruiting folks of all ages and walks of life. Its hard to believe people fall for it, but if you're desperate for answers to the big questions, these groups will come along and sell you answers.

Are cults dangerous? Pretty sure RFM alone answers that question. So what was most difficult for you?

Timothy



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/15/2015 04:22PM by Timothy.

I'll make this short.

The point where I realized the church was a lie. Euphoria came after, but first was the bitterness of realizing the way I saw EVERYTHING IN THE FKING UNIVERSE was totally made up. My whole world crumbled in front of my eyes. And I wept. Bitterly.

Again, I was lucky. Converted at 9 and was out mentally at 14.

Felt like Ralphie in Christmas Story when he discovered the truth about his Orphan Annie decoder ring.

So sorry you had to endure that.

Timothy

The hardest part was accepting that I'd been had.
Once I accepted that, the rest was a piece of cake :)

filling all my free time on sunday

The worst for me is the utter alienation and shunning by my entire extended family. My siblings and mom want nothing to do with me -- ever. I left in my 50's and took my dad with me in his 80's. Both of us were BIC die hards. I drive over to visit dad every day to check in on him. We have our ex-Mormon chit-chat. At first it was tough because your afterlife view is destroyed and everything you based decisions on while living was using the false Mormon faith as a foundation and truth detector.

Dad and I wish the extended family would not have shunned us as evil, deceived persons. But, we understand their finger pointing because we were once believers. We used the Morg to base all our decisions on -- even to the extent of not worrying about this or that until the next life. STUPID!

Timothy, I'm really glad you exited early in your life. It sucks when you're in your twilight years (like dad) and feel your entire life was a deception and now your adult TBM kids want nothing to do with you.

Sadly, for all my siblings they've all been cut out of dad's will. I inherit it all. I take care of dad daily. None of the siblings care for his necessities or invest one second of time in helping him. Yet they want a piece of him when he's gone -- they want "their inheritance." Well, dad let them all know that their conduct is too disgusting and reprehensible. He didn't raise them to be shunning. And because they are -- they're out of his trust for good. I guess that has just made it even worse for me since my siblings now think I've manipulated my father and stolen their rightful inheritance. Well, screw them. They love the money and inheritance MORE than us.

My parents went inactive following their divorce, after having had a temple marriage. Neither though stopped believing altogether in Mormonism. They just didn't like the saccharin coated fakeness found @ church.

Neither parent shunned me when I left. But I never stopped loving my parents, either in or when I was out of the church. Never considered that to be an option.

My Mormon brothers have shunned to some degree, but they were like that when I was a Mormon, because their wives are so possessive that they married into their wives families over ours.

At least you and your dad have each other. You deserve that inheritance. Be prepared your siblings may challenge you on that - as long as your father is legally competent and of sound mind, it shouldn't even become an issue.

The hardest part for me was leaving when my children were in pre-school and grade school. At that time I totally felt the "apostate" because I walked after some bitter persecution from living the Mormon lie. As someone had asked me, a Catholic convert to Mormonism, he knew that the church was either 100% true or 100% false because of the awful persecution it gave to other members - just nasty bitter people attacking others for stupid or petty reasons.

Examples: I was singled out for being a multi-generational Mormon from Idaho, who dared to move to New York City while in my 20's. A divorced mother with children in tow, I was shunned by some of the local Mormon women for taking jobs from born and raised New Yorkers, and for being a descendant from other LDS, when they were converts. New York City at that time was still the job capitol of America, and people pour there from all over the world in search of jobs - that's how stupid and preposterous this woman's claims were. And she didn't work and couldn't because of her health and mental impairment issues. So what the f? Why make me feel guilty because I had to work? It seemed to give her special satisfaction to single people out with her critical and judgmental remarks.

That same woman single handedly excluded my children from the Christmas program our last year there when they were 4 and 6 years old, because since [according to her,] I worked full time, I therefore didn't have the time to make their robes. While every other active childmember was included in the Christmas program, mine found out after we got there that evening they were not. The things she'd done to me personally were by far more forgivable if I was feeling so inclined, than her singling out my children because I was a working mom. That was inexcusable! I have never forgiven her for that, and never will. I would have gladly found the time to do what was necessary for my children to have been included.

She also verbally attacked me that same evening because I brought a fruitcake to that event my stepmother had mailed to us that Christmas that she had specially prepared, instead of baking something myself. What utter nonsense! Yes, I worked full-time, and could not be a stay at home mother. Why attack me or my children because of that at a Christmas function or any other time for that matter?

Another woman singled me out at another church dinner by telling me in front of everyone that when she's old and her children are grown she's still going to have her husband by her side, and that I'm going to be all alone because I was an independent working woman (never mind that her husband could die from a heart attack the next day, or I could still get married - that thought just never occurred to her.) Just stupid stuff like that. Yet it was painful for me to be on the receiving end of their thoughtlessness.

A dear friend from those days now gone by and I met up on facebook couple months ago. She called me to catch up on things, and she told me that some of the women's husbands used to remark to their wives how attractive my legs were. Or another time one of the elders remarked to his wife I was quite attractive when I wasn't wearing my glasses, comments like that made to each other talking about me when I wasn't there.

Which leads me to wonder they were maybe just insecure around me because I was single, younger than most of the other women there, and an independent career type. That may have caused some of the persecution. But then the branch president told me from the time I moved to NYC that I had no right to be there, and it was my *duty* to move back west where I came from. He even decided what state for me to go to: Utah. He was the branch president, after all. I was a single woman, without a priesthood holder in my household. What priesthood men say is law. I was a rebel for taking my own lead, and then persecuted because I remained. He ended up getting fired from his transit job not long after then, and he and his whole family were forced to move back west, to Utah, no less for him to find a job. While I had a job and had been self-supporting since moving there. (The irony wasn't lost on me that the same *judgment* as in dictum he tried meting out on me for moving to NYC, was the same outcome for himself in less than several months after my moving there..)

After several years he came back to visit the branch, and I asked him if he thought I still had no right to live there? He still answered me, "No, [I] did not." What a jack shit bastard he was!

They also told me that I had a *duty* to go back to my abusive and antisocial ex-husband.

Doing the math, it wasn't hard to leave after sh*t like that happening. I'd had enough.

After leaving, I felt very displaced for the longest time. Going to different churches, trying to find one where I could feel comfortable raising my children in.

Now I just attend a neighborhood synagogue. It's become my *church* family. And I'm fine worshiping where we are allowed intellectual pursuits and free to be ourselves.

That's been liberating for me. Mormon Inc just places restrictions on people, and does all our thinking for us. It's dangerous to ask questions in Mormonism.

The glazed over stares are what you get in return for asking thoughtful questions there, or just plain and utter ignorance.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/16/2015 10:15AM by amyjomeg.

amyjomeg,
I'm so sorry to hear the crap you had to deal with... what assholes!

I'm glad you're in a better place with accepting, truly nice people now.

Thanks for the affirmation. :)

Classical Guy,

A will can be contested. There are lots of ways to pass assets outside of a will, like TOD, JTWROS, or a trust. Hire a competent and trustworthy Financial Planner, NOW! Pay good money for those professional services and be glad about it.

JAR

Hey, Classical Guy! I'm going through the same life style with my mother. Mom and I chat about the crazy Mormon things I learn about daily. My only sibling is just rubbing her hands together waiting for her inheritance. She will get one but she got so eager to get her hands on Mom's antiques that Mom gave everything to me. I kind of felt bad for Sis until Mom told me how much she had given to Sis in the past. I had no idea how much my sis was squeezing out of Mom all these years! No guilt any more. I see Mom once or twice daily to help her and sis only comes when she thinks Mom might be dying so she can count the days til she gets her money. When Mom is well she's nowhere to be seen.

Our whole family is mentally out of Mormonism but I'm the only one who did it officially. My sis walked away from Mormonism and is now Evangelical. I don't know which is worse. I know her religious gushing is totally insincere since for years she lived and talked like a foul mouthed sailor. I have a very hard time being around her. No shunning in our family but lots of phony religious blabbering. Be thankful for the shunning. It's better not seeing them at all in my opinion.

Telling my mom. I had long been her staunchest ally, always taking her side in religious conflicts with my dad, who'd left TSCC before I was 8. I have no memory of my dad ever not being an atheist, and it was well known in our family what his opinion of TSCC was.

I was quite close to both parents growing up, but as the oldest daughter with multiple younger siblings, I was also very much 'mother's little helper' and we had a special bond. I'm the great cook I am today because I loved helping her in the kitchen.

My parents are still married (long story) and though my dad and I are close, in adulthood my relationship with my mom has suffered. We get along well and don't fight, but there is a weighty undertone of loss and grief on her part that's taken away much of the easy, accepting intimacy we once shared when I was the righteous, tearful testimony bearing, daughter who said her dream was to marry an RM in the temple (I married a never-mo in a lovely outdoor wedding).

Over the past couple of decades we've gotten very good at talking about the weather and her health and the dogs, but deeper conversations only take place anymore with my dad. I've gotten used to it and one could say as pointed out in another thread that the initial wound has healed over. But I'll never recover feeling like I lost so much of my mom. I know she loves me and she was a good mom to me as a child, but her beliefs about the consequences of apostacy have left a mammoth-sized elephant in the room that nobody wants to risk talking about without intolerable emotional repercussions.

So we let the elephant crap all over the room and pretend we don't smell anything. Since all of my siblings have now left, it naturally complicates things as she's the only one left in our family who still believes. None of us think she'll ever leave but neither are we much good at having anything but a superficial relationship. I think my mom is a very kind, but deeply lonely, bitter and self-isolating person. I miss the mom I remember growing up with.

I was born in the covenant, having a faith crisis by 16, and completely inactive at 24.

I guess my exit from the church was easier than it is for many people. Being out of the church was more comfortable than being in.

The thing that was probably most difficult for me was the feeling of alienation. The feeling that no one at all understood me the slightest bit. It was totally incomprehensible to everyone that I could not feel the spirit, and had no testimony. Since this idea seemed impossible to them -- the idea that a person could not feel the spirit -- they came up with alternate theories which all painted me in a bad light. I was sinful, I was lazy, I was impatient, I was arrogant, I was too intellectual, I was prideful. The reason I did not feel the spirit was because of my character flaws and bad actions, not because the church itself was a broken hoax with a sad sad comprehension of the principles of epistemology.

From the moment I found out what a lie the church was I had

no problem.

It was easy for me to leave. I just left and didn't look back.

I felt very angry and betrayed but being on this board

helped me deal with those issues and lots more that I hadn't

even realized. My family accepted it, my non mormon friends

were relieved that I was out. I went on with my life and there

hasn't been one day that I have regretted leaving.

The most single difficult moment was sitting under the Yaquina Bay Bridge trying to decide whether or not to throw myself off it.

My (now ex-) wife had thrown me out of the house (literaloy dumped my belongings on the driveway), my recently returned missionary son had beat me up in the kitchen for saying I was going to leave (the church and his mother).

Somehow, with the help of the Universe, God, whatever, I made it through that night, and through the next day, and the next, and the next.

And here I am, 1500 miles away, with no contact from my adult children (as one would expect from the 'worst father in the world', according to them), but with my sanity intact, and amazingly, new friends who don't give a damn what I believe and who like to go out for a beer occasionally and laugh about how crazy the world is. And with a new, beautiful, awesome wife.

That was very hard to read, one of the worst I've heard and I feel very lucky it was so much easier for me. So glad you found your strength and life turned out great anyway.

I got out young too but the conditioning runs deep. A few years after moving to Pac NW I was working on my first quilt (almost have the damn thing done), getting ready to can tomatoes and picking blackberries in the yard to make jam. Mind you at this point it had been 25+ years since I had had anything to do with LDSInc. I suppose it was a panic attack when I realized I was doing all these Molly Mormon things. All things I had been groomed to do as a child and rejected as a teen/adult but here I was doing them! Then I calmed myself down, thought about it and realized it had NOTHING to do with mormonism. We have a great quilt store in town that got me interested, I adore tomatoes and hell, I had all these delicious berries just sitting there - why NOT make jam!

I will still catch myself in little ways like that. Being shocked the neighbor was wearing pants to church for example. When the trees flower I still think of "Popcorn Popping on the Apricot Tree". The initial leaving wasn't that hard for me as I had fantastic ExMo role models in my family that I was close to and supported by but those life scripts can be a real pain. And I will admit I feel a bit funny wearing blue nail polish lol.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/15/2015 08:15PM by Susan I/S.

Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 05/15/2015 11:37PM by cl2.

Every once in a while, very rare these days, I catch myself doing the same thing. "Why does that bother me?" I ask myself, then shake my head on move on.

Timothy



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/16/2015 08:51AM by Timothy.

Nothing. As soon as I graduated HS, I left my small Mormon farming town, sent in my resignation notice. A few weeks later got a letter to go talk to a bishop. He tried to convince me I was making a big mistake. I told him I didn't consider myself a Mormon, walked out. Done deal. That was in the early 60's. Never regretted it.

Admitting that I needed help beyond just leaving the cult.

It was difficult to flounder around for so long and figure out how to be a functional person.

What was most difficult?
Watching my beautiful and bubbly wife go from a 3 on the TBM scale to a 10+ and not knowing how to reverse the process.

For the last couple of years of not being able to just have a normal conversation without some church angle or doctrine being introduced is just another reminder that I've lost her.

That's what hurts the most.

Where I live there is only one road that takes you out to the main freeway. Of course the mormon church sits on that road. I didn't like driving by it every time I left town.

They've since solved the problem though. They built up big berms and over planted them with trees. You'd never know a church is there.

Living in Utah after leaving has been a roller coaster ride.

Our bags are always packed and ready to relocate.

Where?

A galaxy far far away devoid of the 2 legged horned creatures.

Punkeydoodles Corners, Canada.

I'm considering retiring to sunny St. George, Utah.

What do you know about that area amidst the Mormon influence? I understand its profound history there. But it's becoming a growing retiree community from a diverse population - hoping once I am able to transition that the Mormon influence will be in waning mode, not waxing.

It's far enough away from the heart of Mormondom (Salt Lake City,) that I'm hoping there will be much more reason to look forward to moving there and that the Mormon influence will be only a small percentage of that community.

And does Punkydoodles Corners, Canada 'really' exist? That sounds like a fairy tale place, with a 'happy' ending kind of somewhere.

:)

My family was considered to be even too Mormon for most of the other Mormons in the county.

The moment I realized the church was false--after the mission while at BYU--I felt so light I thought I had had been translated to heaven. When self hatred suddenly gets up and walks out the door the feeling that rushes in to fill the void is overwhelming. And it lasted.

Until. My father blindsided me with a priesthood interview. By this time he was stake patriarch. I was traumatized to the point that my voice actually froze and I could not speak--even though in that split second, I decided to tell him everything. The only way I could unlock my voice was to yell that I didn't believe in the church and I was gay. I have never been so shredded. 1974.

Needless to say my father was speechless. He finally assured me he loved me, asked permission to tell Mom since once I had calmed down I had told him it was my business alone. And we all went back up stairs and had Sunday dinner. I have no idea how I even lifted a fork to my mouth.

After that there was no real family communication. Every interaction was an attempt to make me see the error of my ways. Being gay was often compared to taking up smoking and I was assured I had not lost my testimony and it was wrong not to accept the truth. My opinion didn't count on anything anymore, and as frogdogs said " . . .we've gotten very good at talking about the weather and their health . . ." Imitation conversation.

I'm glad now I stuck it out, but sometimes I wonder if shunning wouldn't have been easier. No offense to those who have suffered the shunning--I do get how painful that is. But the lukewarm love is hard to take too.

I will say, the more I was blatantly myself--which was hard--the more they came around. It's a little better forty years later.

Ever notice how that conjunction completely negates everything that precedes it?

The shunning thing kinda sucked. I tried to 'fit-in' but it was always conditional. Let it go when I finally realized my folks (most of 'em anyways) are major assholes.

On the rare occasions I was let in, all the talk was about grandson's mission or hubby's new calling. Oh joy!

My sympathies to all. Its simply unbelievable that folks act this way on account of a fairy tale.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/16/2015 03:56PM by Timothy.

The hardest part was being disowned by my family. They actually did it three times! The first time they did it, they changed their minds and apologized. The last time they did it, I cut off contact because I was sick of it. I am much better off and it doesn't hurt anymore. I have actually been very happy having them out of my lives this time, so I have actually been able to heal from the wounds they and TSCC left. I have been a lot better off not having any Mormons in my life. Some people can live their lives just fine with having Mormons in their lives. I am not one of those people. I love being completely free of Mormonism, finally! :-)

The most difficult thing is actually telling other TBMs. There's no good reason in their minds to leave the church, so it's absolutely impossible to justify yourself. It's horrible.

What I find so hypocritical and EVIL is how they teach to love everyone no matter what. Then they turn into literal piles of shit when someone does not see it their way. My wife and I don't mind playing the game for the sake of our two youngest. We know this is the kind of BS that will happen if we were to "come out of the closet." We remain on the way less active list and get left alone.