Posted by:
blueberrypancakes
(
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Date: May 18, 2015 05:24PM
Literally. It all happened so quickly. I need a break from everything, he said. Some quiet time for myself. He'd take the kids to a relative's overnight and would be back the next day. "I can keep her," I said, somewhat stunned from the new unfolding development. "No, it's ok. I'll take her." I remember staring at him for a few very long seconds. What I really wanted to say was, Only out of my dead hands you will, only I didn't. There was no point. He'd already worn me down over the years and the recent damage to the house in one of his rages had me on edge. He took her out of my arms. She was nine months old at the time.
After I got over the initial shock, the first thing I noticed was the quietness. Not the kind of quiet where you can finally take a nap, or read a book, or maybe go find whatever mischief the kids had gotten into. Too quiet. Eerily quiet. Nothing moves. The only sounds are from the occasional car driving down the road, or the rustle of the wind in the trees. I don't know what to do with myself. I've never been away from the kids, let alone under such a feeling of dread. Something was very wrong.
A couple of hours later I had soothed myself by telling myself I was overreacting. Besides, it's not an uncommon thing for a husband to take the kids somewhere so the wife can enjoy some peace and quiet. I might as well enjoy it. Except, my husband isn't the kind of guy that does that. He's never done it before. And, it had been rough between us the last couple of months. Very rough. Ever since he realized I wasn't willing to do what he wanted me to do. You see, several months before I realized I was part of a cult, the Mormon church. I'd grown up in it. And he did too. I was devastated to learn that what I thought was the only true way to live, the way I saw the entire universe, was a total lie. Something that was precious to me became disgusting and hideous, a horrible lie, right in front of my eyes. Some guy in the 1800's was able to lure people into his "religion" for money, power, and sex. He made up the whole thing. People give up huge amounts of time, money and energy for this cause while getting nothing in return. While suffering over unnecessary guilt, self-loathing, and exhaustion. They are told they're the lucky chosen ones. The church was everything that was important and true. And anything outside of the church was darkness and lies. No one who leaves is ever happy. And people who aren't in the church can never be fully happy, let alone, "return to heaven." They are trapped in the philosophical cave. I used to be one of them. But I saw the light, and though as painful as it was to realize I lived my whole life in a cave, I was so happy to be out in the sunshine! Unfortunately for me, or maybe ultimately fortunately, my husband didn't see it that way. He refused to believe he was wrong. He demanded I return to the cave with him and be shackled to the wall, but I refused. I was frolicking in the grass and sunshine, with clear blue skies, fluffy white clouds, birds singing in the trees, the whole thing. And then he packed up the kids in the car and drove away.
Our only car. We only have one car. The next day I didn't hear from him until the evening. He was tired he said, but did I still want them to come back? Being the ever people-pleaser, I internally interpreted his mention of being tired to he didn't feel like driving back that evening. "No, you don't have to," I said. Little did I know this would come back to bite me in the ass, like so many other things. He would later argue I was not fit to have the kids returned to me because I didn't want him to bring them back that night.
I started panicking the next day by late morning when I hadn't heard from him. No kids. He wasn't returning my phone calls or texts. I finally got a hold of him later in the day. "So.. what's going on?" I tried to sound calm about it but I was screaming inside. "Oh, the kids are having a great time here. They don't miss you at all." More words were exchanged. I wanted my kids back, I was done playing his game. Threats were made against me. He'd call police if I tried to go visit them. His relatives were supportive of him. Now I knew this was war. I frantically searched the internet to learn about what I could do. He wasn't coming back.
Legally, there was nothing I could immediately do. DH was within his rights as a parent to take the kids to a relative. The police told me I could only ask them to do a drive by check to see if they were being kept in adequate conditions. My only course of action was to file for divorce with an emergency motion for custody. I won't get into writing about that part here. I made an appointment with the first attorney that had an opening, but it was several days away.
The milk had gone sour. That's what happens when there's no children to drink it and no car to go to the grocery store. I remember slowly dumping out the milk down my sink. Then the fruit went bad. Had to throw it out too. I unthawed a "family size" portion of meat and grilled it for a dinner. I took out the garbage, recycling, and yard waste. I broke up branches that had fallen from the tree overnight and stacked the wood. I did everything that needed to be done to keep things going. I told my neighbor about what was going on. She was sympathetic and brought me a plate of something to eat one evening.. some chicken, rice and potatoes. And some coffee. It was nice to have a proper meal. I couldn't sleep well. I had a few bad panic attacks.
I had become slightly paranoid, I think. I kept checking the windows to make sure they were locked and that the doors were bolted. DH had returned a few days prior to collect all of the children's clothes. There was some screaming at that time. Fast forward several days and I was furiously filling out forms for my attorney. I borrowed my neighbor's car to get there. I was having trouble because I couldn't find all the documents I needed and the numbers. DH controls all the finances and I didn't have the passwords to the accounts. While doing so, DH showed up at the house. He wanted to make sure the bills were still going to be paid. He told me his attorney said I'd only get supervised visitation with the children at best. I was stunned. I didn't understand how it could be.. I wasn't a drug addict, a hooker, or anything like that. There is no legal history whatsoever that would indicate I'm not fit to be a parent. I was just a normal mom, a normal person, who loves their kids. I bring them to the doctor and to the dentist. They're up to date on their shots. I cook dinner and do laundry. I help them with their homework. I discipline them when necessary. I love on them. Normal. But I didn't want to take the chance to find out. I knew DH's family was prepared to spend big bucks on the custody battle. There was no money for me. In fact, we were hundreds of thousands in debt between his student loans and other debt, debt which would be divided between the two of us at the end of divorce. I knew I was beat. You just know.
I folded. I begged to have another chance. After a while, and after consultation from Dh's family, it was decided that I should be given another chance, tentatively. But before I could have the kids brought back to the house I first had to agree to go to the hospital for a mental evaluation. I submitted. I could not have been more humbled.
I was pretty hungry. DH agreed to get me some food first, and then he'd take me to the emergency room and I'd check myself in. I was prepared to be there for a few days.
I was released after several hours, deemed stable by the staff there.
My kids were brought back to me the next morning. I hadn't seen them in days. Most upsetting was to see the baby. She just stared at me for a long time. Did she remember who I was? To me, she seemed a different baby. Her hair was longer, she was crawling around better, saying more sounds. She wasn't wearing her clothes. She was wearing hand me downs from relatives. I took them off of her. My older kids came to me saying they had missed me. It was hard not to cry right in front of them, but I held it in. They didn't need to know I had been through hell.
That was when my husband abandoned me, took my kids and left me stranded, not caring if I had food to eat. All for me openly choosing to not live the rest of my life in the Mormon church.