Seeing how my kids seem to be turning out I am feeling like a complete failure as a parent. And now I have to live with this mess cause it keeps coming back home for the rest of my life.

Does anyone else feel like this? I want to make it a rule that they are not welcomed back home. My past goal was to always make sure I have some sort of living accommodations just in case my kids needed to come back home. But now my retirement house plans are down to about 120 square feet. Does this make me a terrible parent?

So anyway I just really need to vent about the current situation. My 19 year old daughter thinks I am a complete loser and all of my choices are utterly pathetic. She makes sure to tell me at every chance she gets. She ensures to follow that up with the your pathetic I wish you were dead stare. Now I can handle this for a while, like short little visits, you know Sunday dinner. But COVID cancelled school and she CHOSE to come here. I didn't ask. I didn't beg. I did't encourage her to come here, but she wanted to and I let her.

I saw what was happening in the world and prepared the basic necessities for 90 days for me and my two kids. That included buying foods that they like to eat that I do not. That included getting things that would make their stays here comfortable if they needed to come here. It was a lot of work.

So anyway she is here and has done nothing but complain and wine and be unhappy. She does not help out. But I found one thing I can make her do-unload the dishwasher when the dishes run out. I stopped doing it when I found out just how awful she was going to be do live with. She is absolutely unhappy and lets me know it. Well unless she is socializing with her friends. Then she all light and laughter. The few times she has stopped ignoring me (well other than to complain whine and insult anything I do) every single time it is like she planned in advance to get upset at me scream and cry and run to her room. It is so crazy I think I need to video to show her what is going on. She was supposed to be leaving for a summer job, so I have done my best just to let her be a complete ass without saying anything.

For the last six weeks I have just been waiting for her to leave. It is really rather funny how she thinks I want her to be here and that she is somehow gracing me with her presence when all I want her to do is leave. OMFG. They cancelled the dam job today. OMFG. I cannot have my entire summer ruined by this rotten brat. I had plans that even with the pandemic could have happened.

I've been telling her for weeks to start applying for jobs just in case. I've offered to pay half of a student housing contract just to get her out of here because she absolutely HATES me and HATES being here. So today she tells me the job is cancelled. I'm like Walmart is hiring. You can move out get a job. She loses it screaming and crying runs to her room. I told her you have done nothing but make sure I know how much you hate being here and how much you hate my pathetic loser ass. Essentially she needs to get a job and GET OUT.

Ugggggg. Sorry but I really needed to vent. Has anyone else dealt with this? Each time I think things might turn around, I feel tricked.

Sorry. You got a mess on your hands. It will not likely end well. You will be blamed for any misfortunes that befall your sweet offspring. I’d advise to cut your losses and do everything you can to get her to move along and find the next great adventure in her life. No matter how difficult. It will be unpleasant now or unpleasant later. Choose the time to stare the problem down and resolve it.

She's 19. Legally, you owe her nothing. You can kick her out without repercussions or real consequences. What will she do, get mad and call you names? She does anyway. You lose nothing.

Makes sure she knows that you don't want her there either. The more miserable she is, the more likely she will leave on her own. So she cuts you out of her life. BFD. Who needs it?

At the very least, stop enabling her. Stop buying food she likes. If she watches TV, put a password on it so she can't watch, or call the provider to temporarily suspend service.

Let her know that if she thinks you're such as loser, what does that make her, being under the necessity of moving back in with you? Don't take her BS, even if that makes her scream and cry in her bedroom 24/7.

You have the power in this situation. You're just not using it.

There's gotta be more to this story. How does your spouse treat her? It takes a team to raise a child because single parents who are over stressed, alcoholics at the pool hall, tend to skrew things up bad. Was she abused by a step father? Does she have good role models in her life that exhibited the value of holding down a job?

All these little things make a big difference.

macaRomney Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> It takes a team to raise a child
> because single parents who are over stressed,
> alcoholics at the pool hall, tend to skrew things
> up bad.

Unfortunately, there isn't always a "team" for every child. Often through nobody's fault at all.

Many single parents are not "alcoholics at the pool hall". That is a wild stereotype.

Two parents can "skrew things up bad" as often as single parents.

Too, often the offspring makes choices that influence the screw-up in their own lives, despite having amazing parents.

This whole growing up thing is a bit of a crap-shoot it seems to me. I wouldn't automatically blame parents for trouble in a household. The growth and development of a human being are complex and often mysterious processes.

>>single parents who are over stressed, alcoholics at the pool hall

Where the heck did that come from? lol

I wonder where she got her attitude?

I don't know about being a parent but it makes sense to me to think that many parents do their best (I think it's largely a learn-as-you-go proposition). The way a child "turns out" is not necessarily due to either good or bad parenting. Perhaps you can give yourself a break in that regard.

I like the suggestion above to stop buying your daughter's favourite foods and providing unlimited internet or TV for her. Make life a little less comfortable and she might start thinking about moving on.

It was very nice of you to plan ahead and obtain enough provisions for you and both your children for an extended time. It's too bad your daughter doesn't realize that and show you some much deserved appreciation.

I was going to suggest that maybe there are reasons for your daughter's negative mood and poor behaviour but you describe her being upbeat with her friends so it seems her mood is within her control. It sounds like maybe she is on a downward spiral in terms of being frustrated at this interruption in her life along with whatever other negative thoughts and emotions she's experiencing. That is not your fault but she apparently hasn't realized that yet. It could be a question of her not appreciating what she has until after the fact.

Again, none of this makes you a bad parent. It's just another situation that you find yourself in before you know of an effective way out. But one way or the other an endpoint will come. She will either get fed up and leave or perhaps you will prompt her along in that direction. Does her sibling weigh in at all to try and tell her to settle down? That may help. Maybe you could suggest to them that they try it?

If she was feeling frustrated before, as it sounds to me that she might have been, things could get even worse now that her summer job has fallen through. I can see how you've been just hanging on until the time arrived for her to head out for her employment. It is understandable that you're feeling past the end of your rope now that it is now cancelled.

Can you tell her at this point that things haven't been too pleasant and you've had enough? If she's going to stay on she will have to seriously adjust her mood or else it's not going to work out. It might be amazing at how the prospect of not having you to look after her, especially if she has few options, may cause her to give her head a shake and realize that she's had it pretty good and that things could be a whole lot worse. You are her safety valve and she hasn't realized it and obviously doesn't appreciate it. If she gets a jolt and starts thinking about what she would do without you it might cause a sudden and drastic improvement.

In a perfect world. :)

I'm sorry for this extra stress in an already stressful time. Again, I wouldn't be so quick to blame myself for my offspring's bad behaviour. You can only, in the end, be responsible for your own. She is on the threshold of becoming an adult and hopefully she will start adjusting her attitude, perhaps with a little prompt by you as to "the facts of life" as my father often said. The first and main fact is that Mom isn't a kid's punching bag. A sign of promising maturity would be if she could get her own mood and attitude under control.

For your sake, I hope that occurs in the very near future. Good luck!

Try to take the long view. It's her age. She's trying to be an adult, independent person but is not quite there yet emotionally or financially (the frontal lobe of her brain, the part that guides rational decision making, will not be fully developed until about age 25.) It's like a slightly older version of a hormonal adolescent. As one of my psychology professors said, if teens were not this level of miserable (and making you likewise,) they would never get out of the house. It's nature's way of giving her a nudge.

Covid-19 has certainly complicated things. So I would continue to set some boundaries, i.e. clean up after yourself, seek employment, etc. Have a talk with her and let her know that you are well aware that she would rather be on her own, but that you can both get through this. At the same time, make it clear in a loving way that you are not interested in taking abuse from her.

This too will pass, and one day your relationship will be much better. Just try to weather the storm.

Don't beat yourself up. If you had parented perfectly, you would have been the first parent on the face of the earth who did. So perhaps you've cared a little too much and have made things a little too easy for your children. You're far from the first parent who has done that, and in some cases, doing just that worked out fine for the parent and kid. Sometimes it's the luck of the draw, and you have to play the hand you're dealt.

I agree with those who have suggested that it might be time to ease up on the creature comforts you're providing. Why should you jeopardize future financial security for an adult kid who is unappreciative? If it were my kid, I would have a hard time cutting her off, but I wouldn't provide many extras.

There are pluses and minuses to this, but you could insist that she get a job. A nineteen-year-old who cleans the offices in my complex had her hours drastically cut, so she is working at a gas station until her normal hours resume. That, of course, would expose the entire household to a greater extent than is happening if she is indeed observing the shelter-in-place recommendations, but it might be worth it in the long run.

Probably the most important thing is that you need an exit plan for when this "new normal" allows college students to return to some semblance of their former lives, though there's no guarantee it will be soon. Meanwhile, quit blaming yourself. You tried. Even the best parenting doesn't always take. And, as Summer said, this, too, is going to pass. It's amazing just how much smarter parents become as their offspring mature.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/29/2020 09:46AM by scmd1.

Whatever you choose to do, I’d suggest also completely expressing whatever good feelings and love you have for her. I wouldn’t leave anything out.

Time to have a household meeting and divy up the chores. If she wants to act like a little kid and have temper tantrums, give her a chore list. She's living there, she can contribute.

I mean, really - my seven year old has a chore list. It's age-appropriate, but he is expected to help out around the house.

Stop buying her "favorite" foods. Definitely do not do her laundry, or anything else that she is more than capable of doing. If she is not contributing anything but misery to the household, it's time to stop catering to her.

If she tries to belittle you about your life, your response is "then find another place to live and let me go back to my own thing." And then end it. Don't talk to her. Just keep your space.