I am really struggling with the aloofness, gossip, snobbery that I have experienced since beginning to tell people how I really feel about the church.

Mormons are fine with it at first when they think a plate of brownies and the petition to "Just pray for God's help" will save your soul and bring you back to church. But, when they realize that you sincerely have no intention of believing again and coming back, they are so ignorant and even cruel.

Yesterday, I found myself deeply hurt and wondering "what the heck is wrong with me" that I am being treated so poorly! Then, I realized that perhaps it is nothing more than the fact that I won't be fooled back in by a few mormon meme's and plate of treats.

Really, does not being a member cause people to disregard others in this manner? I am so tired of it. And I am feeling very alone!

I will never go back to a church that is so in authentic and cult driven. But, I don't know how to take the shunning and even lies told about my character.

It's tough sister. I can tell you that my experience is similar. Once members of my ward, including men I thought were my BEST friends, realized they were not going to change my mind they cut me from their social circle.

No more dinners. No more vacations. No more movies. No more stupid ass emails. Nothing.

There is nothing wrong with you (other than your brother is the prince of darkness). I suggest you end that relationship right quick.

Otherwise you are not the problem. TBM's don't know what to do when someone leaves the cult. The only thing they can do is to disparage the departed. The alternative is too painful–there may be something wrong with the church. They can't go there.

Heh, so you're saying I will be fine then. Nobody in our ward has ever invited us to movies, vacations or sent us their stupid emails.

You won't drink the koolaid any more.
They hate that.

In their eyes, you're "evil" now. Anything they say about you, lie or not, is fair game -- because you're "evil."

Let them go. Get them out of your life. They're the "evil" ones, not you. Show them that, by being honest, kind, authentic, and happy. It's the best revenge :)

Really they are brainwashed so that is the only solution. Hang out with nevermos and exmos.

Buy your own brownies. They're much cheaper than 10% of your income for life. :-)

Betty Crocker Triple Chunk brownie mix--per directions except plop unwrapped mini Reece's Peanut Butter Cups in the batter after you've spread it in the pan. 325 degrees, 40 minutes. This is my go-to give away brownie. People rant and rave. If folks are being rotten, you deserve to spoil yourself a bit.

I hear the brownie mix in Colorado is rather good.

Well-adjusted people do not take it personally when you change your mind about a particular denomination or religion. They realize it's not about them. Unfortunately, in Mormonism, people's very identities are often tied up in the religion. Reject the religion and in their minds you are rejecting them.

It does hurt because those are friendships that you have given your time, devotion and energy to build. You had lots of "you" invested in these experiences. One way to look at it is that you do not have to let go of the past good, happy memories of these relationships, but you will have to let go of this new behavior that is being hurled at you.

I will not tell you that it is easy, nor that it happens overnight, but you can build new ties with new people who will stand where you stand and enjoy what you enjoy. Once in a while those who did not agree with you will even surprise you with their actions.

Hang in there. Change is not easy, but it is enlightening and a journey that is so will worth it.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. The reason apostates
become "bitter" is not that they've left the Church. It's
because of how they are treated by friends and family after
they've left the Church.

I am bitter about the treatment I've received from so-called family, and I refuse to apologize for my feelings.

I completely agree with you, Baura. I didn't feel "anti-Mormon" when I discovered it was all a sham and decided to stop participating. But the treatment I received, as described by the OP, left me angry and bitter. I told my TBM wife that members' intolerant and judgmental attitudes only confirmed my decision.

This stuff hurts for a few years, but after that you find real friends, sincere and pleasant acquaintances, and fun pasttimes, and the nightmare of Mormonism fades into the past. A short time of growing pains to grow out of Mormonism is well worth a lifetime of blissful freedom!

Dear S.S.,

I'm very sorry you're hurting and being treated badly. Remember when you began high school or college. You were gradually able to make new friends because you had evolved out of other friendships due to proximity, maturity level, interests...

Some Mormons turn infantile when you disagree with their belief system. Some people are not capable of rising above their programming. Instead of anger (which some of them are trying to elicit from you) try pity. Feel sorry for them for having a myopic view of the world, and being incapable of behaving in a Christ-like manner, that they endlessly brag about...

Do whatever you need to do to get out some of the anger in a safe manner, racquetball, punching a boxing bag at the gym, or your pillows... Yell and swear in your car. Write a letter, then burn it. Do some rituals that will help you move beyond the petty people who are irritating you. It will get better with time. Develop some new interests to go along with your newly found freedom. Be proud of yourself for using your brain!

((Hugs))

Every day that they make you angry, sad or alone is another battle they've won with you. Don't let them have that power over you; cut them out of your own circle.

Then enjoy your life and live it well. It's a mind-fuck to them to see how "blessed" the apostates are.

Are you in Satanic Utah? If so, go to another state. It is very important for your own sanity.
None of this will happen out of Utah or if it does, it will be on a much smaller scale.

As you drive past the state line, flip Utah the bird from me again too.

“It's easier to fool people than to convince them that they have been fooled.”

- Mark Twain

Yes it hurts. That's why there is this recovery board. One thing we need to remember is that by leaving the church, members are exposed to their greatest fear- that their fears might be valid. You see, a testimony is said to be a mormon's most precious posession and it must be protected and nourished at all times. When someone leaves the church, not only does it leave more work for them to do, but it makes them wonder why. Their only protection from pondering their own doubts is to turn against you and make you the enemy.

It isn't personal, it's just what people do when the chink in their armor is exposed by the apostasy of a loved one or associate.

Also, it often is personal. Withholding love and companionship is an old old trick called shunning. Shunning is designed to bring you back into the arms of love and safety.

The good news is that eventually it softens, the associates and fake friends move on and leave you alone. Family members often forgive eventually, or you make your own. But no matter what happens, leaving the church will not displease the God of truth and righteousness.

For me, the worst of this comes from my parents... backward hypocritical sheep who have never had to think for themselves

I'm sorry you are going through this rough period. I, too, am among those of us who have been shunned, gossiped about, and even threatened. Yes, it hurts. For me and my children, it was even scary, when the Mormon men would come banging on our door late at night. I put up a "no soliciting" sign, and would yell through the door, that I was NOT going to open the door.

I think there is more to it than just Mormon SOP. I think the Mormons are afraid. TSCC uses fear to keep its members in line. They are asked, in their temple recommend interviews, "Do you associate with any apostates or apostate groups?" If they can't give the required answer to that question, they will be denied entry into the temple, and, hence, their families will not be together in eternity. Your former friends are choosing their own family over you, as well as choosing their religion over you. When I understood this, I stopped being so angry at them, and like Sister Sinful Shoulders did, I started pitying them more.

7 years later, my Mormon neighbors still look the other way, if they see me. I left quietly. They gossiped about me, anyway, because I'm a divorced woking mother. Still, I taught their children in Sunday school, and played the organ and piano for them, and brought them dinners when they were sick, or someone died, or they had a new baby. I helped give wedding and baby showers. Our children grew up together, and they played at my house, and now they look through me, as though I'm not there. I'm nothing.

I agree is that the best way is to live a life independent of the Mormons. I was so hurt, that I stopped going to the neighborhood stores, and drove the extra miles to a less Mormon-dominated area. The drive is quite scenic, and the stores are much nicer! I spent more time with my family, and my old non-Mormon friends from high school and college. I realized that the Mormons didn't really share my interests in my children, my house, classical music, bicycling, hiking, skiing, walking the dog, playing tennis. I had other friends for these activities. Also, my closest associations are with my work colleagues. I think of Mormons as gossiping, prejudiced, arrogant, demanding, racist, negative, and not nice. I don't miss them at all, and would never go back.

There are worse things than being lonely. Think of it as "solitude". I love hiking in nature, all alone. It's calming, and refreshing. You can open your mind, and get to know yourself. Your self-esteem will improve, away from the snarky Mormons. I'm so proud of you! They're trying to shame and manipulate you back into the cult, and you won't let them, no matter how alone you feel. Funny thing, you are not alone, because 99% of people are not in the cult. You are in the majority. You are normal, and they are weird.

The same sort of thing happened to me. This is why I tell people not to ask their questions of their bishop. My bishop just yelled at me and, I'm pretty sure, was instrumental in discrediting me when I outsmarted him with my knowledge about the first vision. I think he pegged me as "dangerous." Which, unfortunately, is how all TBMs view people with questions. As a threat to their testimonies and someone who should be avoided like the plague. I also had people I could have sworn were my best friends suddenly distance themselves from me - although they are nice enough when I bump into them, they make no effort to be my friend and I wouldn't accept their ersatz friendship anyway. I've seen them with their masks off.

But like others have said, once you make new friends outside the church, you realize how shallow your Mormon friendships were. And those few Mormons who stand by you - how strong those friends are. That's why their friendshipping has NO effect on me whatsoever. Because those fake friends are the last sort of friends I want and I don't miss them at all, nor am I tempted to run back into that sort of useless friendship. At first it hurts and it's infuriating but it will morph into a very good reason to stay away from Mormons and a huge relief to be done with those sorts of people. Hang in there. The way they are treating you is very common. It isn't about you. Most everyone here has had to deal with it. It's the way they are programmed. And there are more ex-Mormons and inactives than there are "good" Mormons so you are welcomed into a larger group of friends, real friends, than the one you just left.

I decided living in isolation wasn't so bad compared to being under Mormon domination.

We can't worry about what TBMs think or do because it's their cult controlling them and we have no power over that.

We can eventually come to terms with having to write them all off if nothing else works.

As it turns out, you didn't have so many friends in the church as minions. I'll explain:

You know how in the cartoons, a guy will open his wallet and a couple of moths will fly out, indicating his pecuniary difficulties. As members leave, the LDS collective envisions the open wallet and moths flying out. To the more cynical of us, you are seen mostly, ultimately--above all else--as an escapee who will not be paying tithes and offerings in future. The church dispatches minions (not the cute yellow kind) to search you out and "love" you back (read: "hound you back") to the fold. It costs the church nothing, since the minions receive no pay for their work, so they think, "What the hell. It may work. Dispatch the minions!"

Among the minions in your LDS life, you may have actually bonded with one or two. This is a time to test them to see if they actually have remained friends, or are just a different sort of minion. The process very disappointing, to be sure, but you may as well be warned of it and expect it. But I do hope you'll find a way to deal with this challenge.

I've found too, through mutual classmates from gradeschool on my Facebook page, and some Mormon relatives I have, they find former Mormons *very threatening* to their very existence.

We've questioned and left the status quo. They can't wrap their brainwashed minds around that, and fear us for the power we've taken into our own hands. That leaves them feeling insecure, unsettled, and fearful that they might be wrong too about their beliefs.

So they ban you, to make themselves more insulated into the fabric of Mormonism.

It has nothing to do with or about you personally. It's their own fears they're unable to confront but that you were able to do for yourself. You've taken your power back. They don't understand what that is. Yet.

realizing that there are people still going through this. I used to hate it while still living in UT when we would spend time on the East Coast and then go back home. It was literally like going back to captivity after knowing freedom.

You guys may think I'm exaggerating but if anyone has ever watched the movie, "Not Without my Daughter" starring Sally Fields.......it's like that. Found myself crying when I watched that movie and realized it was because I related so deeply to what she was experiencing.

If you really want to know what it's like to be free...try going somewhere where there are no Mormons.

Same treatment here.
I resigned years ago, but my Mormon neighbors' shunning me hurts because I thought they were my friends.

Meanwhile, I attend an Episcopal congregation.
They know they are not the "true church" because God is bigger than Christianity, but they are part of the Body of Christ.
I finally know what it means to be Christian.

I know just how Satans sister feels! I too have left. Thank you everyone for sharing your responses. They were a wonderful help to me!!!!

Blessings and well wishes sending your way. It does get better... give it time. :)

It's not you.

See the new post by me titled "Satan's Sister. It's not you."

I avoided shunning and bad treatment (I knew it would come) by shunning them first. I didn't even mention I no longer believed, and I offered no one an explanation. I simply resigned my membership via letter with the request that no members contact me; I wanted to avoid the patronisation of having people giving me "compassionate service" in the ignorant and arrogant belief that this would make a difference to my opinion. It's not their fault - most of them are victims just as you and I were, but seeing as getting through to any TBM is a lost cause, I decided to cut them off rather than face the inevitable which would have been worse.
It's tough, but you're better off without these people in your life.
When I got stronger and had re-built an authentic life I was then able to express my views on forums, emails and personal blogs, ensuring my previous mormon acquaintances and friends were exposed to it; and I was then able to reconnect with one good friend from the church but on my terms - she already knows where I stand and has no choice but to respect it! We agree to disagree and just don't discuss it.
As far as I'm concerned, this is the BARE MINIMUM requirement for me if any church members want to interact with me. I imagine they think all kinds of untrue things, but having seen how the church makes people not that great, their opinions don't mean much to me.

If I'm having a bad day I put on a live version of Respect by Aretha Franklin belting it out on youtube, and remember that this is more important than anyone liking, agreeing with, or talking to me.
After 6 years I no longer care, and to be honest I have never missed those people. The outside world may be much more diverse but on the whole it's so much better.

Just tune them out or cut them out.

More difficult with family. In my opinion: as much distance as humanly, conceivably possible, until you've created the life you want. Then - on your terms. I've been a bit shocked at how some family members seem to view me, but having had that distance I just think it makes them look really awful. And threatened. That says a lot about them and their religion, but nothing bad about you.
Good luck :-)



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 05/27/2015 11:49AM by lj12.

You have to consider the source of the decimation. These people are taught from childhood THEY are the chosen ones. It is amazing how much they KNOW so much about you and find fault with you. Been through much of it myself. It is negative, controlling system. Best of luck