This is my first contribution, other than a few comments on someone else's posts. I'm a nevermo married to a mostly TBM.

It's Sunday afternoon and I'm outside doing a little yardwork, and an unfamiliar vehicle pulls in the yard. I'm a private man, and I do not like unsolicited visits from anyone. Two girls hop out, obviously from church.

They say "hi" and ask if my wife is home. I ask if she knew they were coming because we got in late last night, and she's taking a nap. One of them said, "No, we're just checking on her. She hasn't answered our phone calls or replied to our texts." I said, "Well, I can't help that. You need to leave now please. Good-bye." They scooted into their cars pretty quickly and left.

I'd classify my communication with these Mormons as "not exactly rude, but extremely to the point." What I wanted to say was, "Are you dense? Do you need it spelled out? She's clearly sending you a signal to leave her alone, and your response is to show up unannounced on a Sunday afternoon?"

In general, I handle Mormon issues with my wife very delicately. Mormonism has been a source of great contention in our marriage. But, I know she hasn't been in a while. The last time the missionaries showed up at the door, she had me answer and send them away. We don't talk about it.

So, I told her of the visit, and my response. She said, "I wish they'd stop. I'm taking a break from all that. It's not been good for me lately."

I said, "OK. Whatever you decide is OK. I know you don't like people showing up randomly. I want you to know that if you need to, I have no problem at all with you putting the blame for not being welcoming on me. I don't care what they think of me."

So, maybe they'll leave her alone. I have to be very careful, because I see some separation developing between her and the church, but I don't want to push. When I have in the past, she's "doubled down" on Mormonism.

I don't know why I'm posting, other than to share my hopes that the long Mormon nightmare may be lessening, and to bitch about stalker activity. Next time, I'm ratcheting up the hostility towards them.

I understand your frustration. She may have to take a clear stand and make her wishes known while she is "taking a break"..... But it doesn't always work that way. If she wants them to leave her alone, she may need to ask for your assistance because the LDS leaders tend to accept what the man of the house says rather than the woman. They tend to put more belief in what they say. I think it comes from the old notion that the man is the head of the household, and as such in charge of all major decisions.
Ultimately, you need to be united, in my view, in what is acceptable behavior from others.
I had to have my husband make it clear, more than once, that we were Ok with visits, but they must call first and make an appt. They finally listened to him.

The missionaries stopped by and asked if they could come visit some time. I told them sure, but explained our stance on the church and kind of hinted "if you want to talk to my husband on your own head be it..." he would be polite but he's got great logic and strong opinions and I could imagine them reeling after a meeting with them. Anyway, I just told them I was busy and they needed to call first next time.

I didn't hear from them in 2 months, and then when I was outside they happened by on their bikes (not so surprising since we live close to the bishop's house) but I did not appreciate them stopping by without calling when I had clearly told them to call. I was also surprised since they stopped and started greeting me while my back was turned, picking up toys on the front lawn. I said, "hi" and turned around, walked into the house and closed the door. I have not heard from them since.

I've wondered about whether I should have reacted that way, but I would have done that to any solicitor who didn't respect my response and kept on peddling their unwanted wares. It's funny that they never called. It's like they assumed that they weren't wanted and figured the only way in was a "chance" meeting.

I have sympathy for the individuals, since it was really hard on my during my mission to realize everybody pretty much hated me on sight because of the black nametag. Very tough on self esteem. Also tended to make me argumentative in an effort to make myself heard, even a little, and win back a little self-respect. Not a good situation for young people to be in. Thanks, Church.

Well, I can't say I hate the missionaries. My niece and nephew both completed missions not that long ago, and I love them both.

When my wife has asked to have the missionaries to dinner to feed them one time, I've been very kind to them... which is not to be confused with listening to any of their bullshit. Just asking about their families and being generally polite.

But, I'd also tell my niece and nephew to show some common sense. Pulling into a home where it's already been made clear that unannounced visits aren't appreciated is stupid.

Sending teen girls to "minister" to a 55 year old woman is beyond idiotic.

Continuing to call/text/attempt to visit someone who isn't responsive is socially backward and annoying.

I think they will do what mormons do best and drive her further away! First, they will try love bombing, cookies and etc. Then, when they get the hint that no attention is wanted, they will start the apostate shunning treatment! It's a huge eye opener to see how rude mormons can become when they don't get you instantly back in the church activities!

OK, I just figured out from another thread that today is the last day of the month.

So these ladies might have been some of the "teachers" that are supposed to come by every month.

Do they make the women's teachers report their statistics every month like they do the men?

In respect to them "driving her away" heck I don't know.

My own position in this little dance is confusing to me. I know from past experience that taking too much of an opposing stance is not helpful. Our marriage works best when I steer completely clear of Mormon topics.

On the one hand, I'm totally fine with any distance that is created. On the other hand, nothing pisses me off more than these people hurting her. And they have done so in the past.

My wife is a wonderfully fine woman, a Christian in the best sense of the word. And yet I sense that they make her feel "less" because I won't even listen to their line of bullshit, much less join the cult.

I should add that we live in the Southeast US, hardly a Mormon stronghold.

They must report their visiting statistics. Those women were there to squeeze in the required visit before the end of the month.

Tonto Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> OK, I just figured out from another thread that
> today is the last day of the month.

Exactly what I was thinking as I read the post.

They will now report back that they had a "nice visit with her husband."

They can report whatever they like about me.

I sincerely, with all my heart, do not give a shit.

But if these people hurt my wife's feelings again... or if they stalk her again when it should be clear to anyone with half a brain that there's a reason she doesn't reply to their calls/texts....

Well, I'll care a whole lot then.

And they'll care a lot, too.

Awww..you're a keeper. Lucky woman. :)

I'm glad you posted. So many need to be able to vent about all of the events that happen in their life due to mormonism.


It sounds like your wife has about had enough. However, she isn't yet to the point where she wants to set it in stone with you. She needs a bit more time, but she is coming around. Whatever you're doing, it's working. Just stay steady.

Mormons are so annoying. You don't answer their calls, and they take that as an invite to show up unannounced. What is wrong with those people??? I hope your wife eventually gets fed up and tells them to take a permanent hike.

Most Mormons do not grow up learning your average normal social boundaries. Doesn't mean that the time isn't right, but it might mean they will not catch on quickly.

Also, I think you are right thinking your wife might be getting some guff from your standing your ground which could be tied into these people not understanding normal social boundaries. A suggestion is that you might ask her how she is perceiving this. Does she feel that they are putting her in an uncomfortable spot?
Tell her that you asking because you care about her and how she is treated by others.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/01/2015 02:05AM by presleynfactsrock.

Have you considered asking why she feels the church hasn't been good for her lately, and simply listen-without reacting? Something happened, an incident, or she heard something disturbing (it's all disturbing if you ask me). =[

She will expect you to get angry, or want to pummel someone for hurting her. She is feeling something. Women generally like to describe and process their feelings. Just listen and be understanding. She may be on her way to the exit.

You're a good, protective husband. Hang in there and keep returning for support. Some of the posters left the church later, like your wife, and will have exceptional advice. Good luck!

Lots of people don't like to be pestered with repeated calls, texts, and knocks on the door. Your wife's feelings are not unusual.

I married a nevermo who was angry about Mormons stalking me for decades after never attending their ward.

I tried to fend them off and never let them inside my home. Still, they'd send new lackeys. It gave me the willies and outraged my husband. I was ashamed and embarrassed that he had to see firsthand the lowlife culture where I was reared.

Finally, I told him if they returned again after I had so firmly turned them away, that he could take charge of ousting them from our lives. They had treated me like a wimpy lame animal but he got their attention big time with police reporting and going to their ward house to rant.

They didn't like having a never Mormon man lay into them and they finally backed off.

I eventually had to spray them with the garden hose years later because words from a woman don't count for much. Men are mighty in that church. I hope your wife will let you help handle the situation. Get it out in the open and see what she says.

have the missionaries ever showed up since the water hose incident?

You never know how long it takes for them to get the message. Actually, I really think when they stop all depends on how busy they are and so they lose interest. I had a lady harassing me recently who called me "______'s mother" since my daughter is very TBM and well know in this ward. She showed up multiple times and then she was gone. I was relieved. I had never seen her before, so it really threw me.

Then I found out she is the SIL to a prior mormon woman stalker who bought the other lady's house.

Vent all you want. The people here get it. AND being inactive, resigning, whatever, it doesn't matter. If they have it in their mind to bring you back, they will pursue you until THEY lose interest.

For what its worth, I think you are handling the situation exactly right. Support your wife but don't let her feel like you have any other agenda than her well being. Don't remind her of any of her church duties.

I guess everyone is different but it seems like it is working for you. Steve Hassan's book about cult recovery talks about handling it the way you are rather than hitting it head on which tends to bring out the doubling down you mentioned.

AFTER being told they should call first (unless we are actual friends), which they never would [mishy rules?].

They don't stop by anymore [naturally, I've since taken my covenants- and sovereignty- back, and resigned]; they'd get an apostate's ear fool, with FREE wisdom.

"No, we're just checking on her. She hasn't answered our phone calls or replied to our texts."

I like how they tattle to the husband about her not replying to all their loving and caring messages calls and text messages.

I hadn't considered that.

Little did they know that they had made my heart jump for joy a little bit.

I'm sure she is on her way out. I was like your wife, when my husband found out the Mormon church was a hoax cult and left, and I was still a believing, obedient TBM. My husband said he wouldn't push me either way, but the bargain was that I wouldn't try to push him back into Mormonism. He said he would never pay another dime to the cult, and that he wouldn't attend any of their stupid activities--and then he stayed true to himself, and didn't criticize after that. He wouldn't go to hear me and the children speak or perform. I was alone at church, and the Mormons started treading me differently. I became the wife of an "inactive." No one respected me. They cut me and my husband out of their Mormon couples social life. They blamed me for my husband's straying.

I think if you stay silent, but perhaps point out what's going on, that the Mormons themselves will drive her away. That's what happened to me. Your story of the pesky RS sisters is a perfect example of this. You are a sweet husband, and you don't want to see your wife hurt, but I don't think you can shield her from the Mormons' bad behavior. Just as I had to discover the lies for myself, I had to learn the hard way, how rude and nasty the Mormons really are. Yes, I was hurt, when they marginalized me. When the children and I left, they shunned all of us. My children didn't care, because they were glad to be rid of the gossip and back-biting and competition of the Mormons in their high school. The shunning hurt me terribly, but now I'm happy to be shunned, rather than stalked and pestered and openly criticized.

Looking back, I'm glad of the pain. I needed a slap in the face, for me to wake up to reality! I hope you will be there to comfort your wife, and support her, whatever she does--but some "growing pains" are inevitable. Good luck, and joy, to you both. You will be rid of this unnecessary problem very soon, I hope.

(Years later, I wonder at how people are still so concerned about not offending the Mormons, and being nice to the missionaries, when it is the Mormons who are trespassing, interrupting your life, and stalking your loved ones. They're like robots, and they don't care about YOUR rights, your feelings, your boundaries.

These girls are just the messengers; the bottom feeders.

I'd visit the local Bish and place a turd in his punchbowl.

Fighting VTers and HTers is like swatting at flies. Better to haul out bishop who owns and controls the poop.

Tonto, I like how you are making it about your wife and her happiness rather than the church. Just keep letting her know that your concern is for her well being and happiness. Your willingness to play the bad guy to the church nut jobs is a good idea. Leave out any criticism of Mormonism itself because deep down she will hear it as criticism of her choice and belief of Mormonism. Just deal with the rude behaviors of individual members and the strange ways they use and abuse her. If she is starting to falter in her belief of Mormonism then just be a gentle and kind shoulder for her to lean on rather than a harsh judge of church and its practices. Maybe she will just fade out of it if she doesn't feel a need to defend it to you. Having you run interference will make it easier.

My dad was a never Mo but my mother was never really hard core Mormon. His complaint was having Home Teachers (two men) coming to the house when he was gone. He thought, rightly, that it was totally inappropriate for men to be visiting my mother behind his back. That's where he put his foot down firmly. Mom stopped going to church because she valued her marriage above the church, rightly so.

Good luck. I hope your wife sees the light or at least gets tired of Mormonism very soon for both your sakes.

Many years ago when I moved into my new house, several women knocked on my door. Ask if my wife was available, they would like to talk to her. I told them we were divorced, here is her new address in Idaho. Never came back,,

who said that you did exactly the right thing, making sure your wife's health is of utmost importance. Getting a good nights/days sleep is essential.

As an ex-ward clerk, he says all that will happen is that the women will go back and report that they indeed had an 'in person' visit (they may or may not say it was with you) and that your wife has an interfering husband, but all seems well.

Thank you for your reply. In fact, thank you to EVERYONE who has taken the time to respond.

As I said earlier, I have no interest at all if they classify me as "interferring" or anything else. Perhaps such a label would lessen their interest in visiting.

Of course, I had noticed that she hadn't been going on Sundays. When she does go, she's out for nearly 4 hours. It would be hard to miss that she's been at home.

I haven't said anything to her about this, but a couple of weeks ago, I asked if she'd go to a farmers market with me. They only have it on Sundays, and she doesn't like to do anything (other than church) outside the house on Sunday. But, this time she went with me. It turned out to be a bust, a little too "yuppie" and a lot too crowded for my tastes. We didn't stay long, but I did take her for an excellent lunch at an arty Italian restaurant. She loved it. Small steps.

When the woman said something about her not calling or responding to texts, I almost said something to the effect of "She's got her own phone, her own car, she knows where the church is if she decides to go, and she's got your number if she wants to talk."

But I held back. And I'm glad I did. Maybe she WANTS them to think I'm an asshole, and that's why she's not been. That would be perfectly fine with me. Fact of the matter is, I actually am an asshole. Sometimes.

Appreciate your honesty Tonto! You're doing alright. Sounds like she's about had it with Relief Society. I had a R.S. first counselor who took a dislike to me because I asked her daughter to talk a bit more quietly in Sacrament Mtg. because I couldn't hear the speaker over her chatter. Boy, that woman tried every passive aggressive way to make my life miserable and for the longest time I never knew why.

Maybe your wife is having some similar experience. She maybe be tired of the grind at church but still believes in the church message. I hope, for your sake, she gives up on Mormonism but she may just be taking a break. The church is becoming more and more authoritarian since losing so many members in recent years. If they think they might be losing her they will come down even harder on guilting and loading her up with callings and work to keep her active. The church is it's own worst enemy sometimes so you may need to do nothing more than sit back and watch them drive her out. Given the option of pasta with my honey or another boring and insufferable day at church with a bunch of self-righteous prigs....I know what I'd choose.

Hope you'll keep us posted on how it goes. May it be in your and your wife's favor.