This morning I saw my 20 yr old stepson sneak out of the house with a girl.

He was very difficult as a teenager and moved out immediately after high school graduation, back to the state where we used to live. He moved back in with us right before the holidays last year, supposedly planning to start college. His dad was happy and relieved to have him closer.

Right now he's working at a fast food place, no signs of any other plans. His biggest ambition seems to be trying to get a position as shift manager at his restaurant. He stays out late every night and if he's home, he's playing with all his electronics in his room.

He doesn't really cause any problems, but he doesn't contribute around the house. At all. And we never know when he comes or goes or who he's with.

Anyway... back to the girl. I don't have an issue with him having sex. I'm sure he's not a newbie where that is concerned.

I do have a problem with him bringing someone home, in the middle of the night. I have a problem not knowing the person spending the night in my house. I have a problem not knowing that there is someone else in my house during the night. I forgot to mention, we also have a 5 yr old, who sleeps just down the hall from the 20 yr old.

Am I being unreasonable? I'm irritated and sent a text to my husband at work. No response so far, but then he is busy providing for the rest of us. :)

In the past, this son has been a source of contention between us, because we really did't agree on how to address some of the problems (smoking/drinking, failing in school, not having to work for anything). This stepson has a job and pays for his car insurance (which we gave him) and his cell phone bill. That is it. He doesn't do the yard work I've asked him to do. He's rarely home to eat with us, so I don't care so much about dishes and that stuff. He hasn't been difficult to live with this time around, but I feel like we're providing him a free place to live while he wastes his life and money.

I guess this has turned into a venting session. I was just hoping to hear some other viewpoints on the situation.

Is it unreasonable to not be comfortable with a stranger sleeping in my house? Down the hall from my 5 yr old? Is it unreasonable for me to expect some contribution around the house/yard? If no contribution of labor, then rent? I've already mentioned to DH that if son doesn't start school, he needs to pay rent. I'm all for helping a poor student, but not a lazy 20 yr old who thinks he's an adult but acts like a kid.

When I talk with DH about this son, it's always a sore subject. I'm probably going about it wrong. DH thinks I don't give his son enough credit. I think he lets his son get away with too much, and always has.

I told DH that I don't want strangers sleeping in my house, and I don't want anyone sleeping here without my knowledge. If stepson wants to live that way, he needs to find somewhere else to live. Is that unreasonable?

I rarely start a post on this board and only contribute a little, but I read it quite a bit and see a lot of wisdom from you apostates!

I'm looking for opinions, suggestions, insights...

Thanks!

You are not being unreasonable. I would feel the same way. It is a question of respect.

My parents had a no overnight guests unless we are informed in advance rule. That way they knew who was in the house.

Not being unreasonable.

I'd stop the man/boy from bringing back hotties for one night stands.

I'd be more lenient if it were a steady girlfriend that you had met.

You're not being unreasonable here.

If he's not paying rent, he should be helping contribute to the house/yardwork. He lives there, he should be helping to take care of it. Either through paying rent/bills, or through manual upkeep. Preferably both.

Not doing either as an adult is called "freeloading."

His coming/going is his own business to a point. HOWEVER, as the owners of the house - who do, in fact, contribute to the costs and upkeep, you have every right to dictate who is welcome in your home, especially overnight.

If he doesn't like it, he can find his own place where he can make his own rules.

Thanks for your input!

I'm not feeling like the mean stepmom anymore. :)

Well, we still think you are a mean stepmum. Just not an unreasonable stepmum. ;o)

First, you need to have a united front. You and hubby need to agree on what is best for the son that is using you like a boarding house.
It's your home. Your rules. One of them is to respect other people. If he wants to live independently, he needs to get his own place.
He's taking advantage of you and your kindness.
Sounds like it's time to give him a 30 day notice and he needs to act like an independent 20 year old, otherwise, he's just freeloading!!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/03/2015 12:36PM by SusieQ#1.

You have the right to set your own rules for behavior of people in your home. It doesn't matter if anyone else finds those rules unreasonable or not.

However, your husband also has those same rights.

Me thinks you and hubby need to agree on what the rules are before anyone tries to enforce the rules. That usually is the most difficult part of blending families.

This is reading between the lines, but something you maybe should watch for.

Your post suggests step-son doesn't show the best judgement and maturity. Through his employment, he probably meets and is in close contact with a number of underage gals. Be sure, for your protection and his, he isn't bringing home some 16 yo from work.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. I would not like the idea of strangers being brought into my home whenever step son got lucky.

He has a car, he can do whatever he needs to do in the car just like others who know better than to bring their date home for some late night fun.

Sounds like you need to have a long talk with your husband, voice all your concerns and hopefully he will understand that just allowing a young man to not have rules and responsibility at home is not doing him any favors.

Is he doing nothing around the house? Does this include things like his own laundry etc?

He should be contributing plus he also should be paying something in rent. Somewhere along the line he has to learn that everything he wants is not just handed to him.

I'd also stress to your husband that if this behavior continues, it's very likely that it won't be just him living with you, but his pregnant girlfriend and soon an infant that will be needing to be taken care of. Is that what he really wants?

Yeah, but that might be true no matter where the son sleeps every night.

True, but at least he can have the understanding they won't all live there rent free and without contributing.

Good point! I do worry about that.

Why would you assume the GF doesn't use bc? God, mormons and their black and white thinking. sex = baby. Nevermind about birth control, which I realize doesn't always work 100% of the time but really? It's not just an automatic assumption that someone who is having sex will of course immediately have a baby. That's mormon thinking.

I fail to see why the 5-year-old in the house is relevant.

I do agree that sneaking strangers in, in the middle of the night, is a security issue. Also, what if there was a fire and nobody knew she was there? She could die in your house! You might be liable!

I would sit him down and suggest that there is nothing wrong with bringing dates home (this is me -- you may be way more hung up about a grown-ass adult having sex), but you would like to meet these dates and then you should set boundaries, whether it's no overnight stays, or whatever.

But the fact is, a 20-year-old is an adult. I suggest pointing out what making adult decisions is like, starting with making sure the homeowners have at least met everyone who sleeps in their house, for security and safety reasons if nothing else. If this was a daughter bringing boyfriends in, I'd be more worried about security, but it's still a concern. Women may do fewer home invasion murders, but women do steal. You don't want some rando robbing you blind.

And if you're uptight about the five year old knowing the 20-year-old GROWNUP has sleepovers, then forbid overnight stays.

If he doesn't like the boundaries you set, he is free to get his own place.

He does his own laundry. :)

I would take a different tack with your husband. I would come from the angle that what you and your husband are doing is actually not helping him but is preventing him from getting on with his life in a positive way. Your husband may be so glad to have him nearby that he is afraid to say anything lest he push the son away.

Dr. Phil is a big egotist but I did listen to him once when he made a lot of sense. He basically said that parents that allow this to happen are actually harming their children. He said the the parent needs to have a heart to heart talk with the son and offer to help him with the next stage of his life and to get some career counselling if necessary. Probably the son at some level knows he is not on a good track and would feel better if he were working towards a goal.

Maybe you and your husband should have a few sessions with a counsellor to sort this out so you can work on the best approach.

There was a time I worried that my son was going to go this route but for some reason he just got tired of "screwing around" and got going with his education and now has a good career and is one of the most hardworking guys I know.

Try to let your husband take the lead on this as it is his son. (I get how frustrating this must be for you.)



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 06/03/2015 03:43PM by annieg.

Thank you!

I totally agree that it is not helping him to enable him in life. I have always leaned towards having higher expectations, and hubby always thinks that things will just work themselves out. Definitely different parenting styles, even though we agree on what we want to be the ultimate outcome.

I've been trying to get hubby to take the lead, and nothing changes. I know he hates the feeling of his son being mad at him for any reason. But I also get the feeling that son is waiting for dad to push harder.

Very frustrating!

You are not unreasonable with your concerns.

Also, there's a safety concern as well. If you don't know if this person is in the house and there is a fire or some disaster that entails getting the family out fast, you would not know that there is another person in the house.

Your step-son shouldn't be keeping company with underage girls as well.

I would be worried about under age girls spending the night who may be underage.

I hope he's smart enough to know better, but those little brains between the legs seem to do most of the thinking sometimes! One more thing to talk to him about...

You are not being unreasonable.

What I would do is to get him out of the house. He needs to find a roommate situation. This can be accomplished by him looking under "Roommates Wanted" in the classifieds or by using Craigslist. He goes to interview with established households much like a job interview. I would give him a generous amount of time to find a new home (maybe three months) along with deposit, first, and last month's rent (if necessary.) Most young people enjoy living with their contemporaries, at least for a few years, so this will not be a major sacrifice on his part. It will also help him to grow up, accept adult responsibilities, and learn to live with others.

I lived with roommates for many years. This is what low-wage people do who are not in relationships or married.

Make an offer to him that you will reimburse (or partially reimburse) any college or trade-school courses that will gain him an employable job, given that his grade-point average is "C" or better (or "B" if you think that is doable.) But he has to be supporting himself while he does this.

As others have stated, you and your husband need to be a united front on this.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 06/03/2015 07:59PM by summer.

Thanks, everyone, for your validation and suggestions!

Will have a pow-wow with hubby tonight and we'll go from there. :)

Jael your concerns are legitimate. Also,if he's old enough to have girls overnight he is old enough to have his own place.

You are not being unreasonable. There are some great suggestions here such as having a curfew for guests being in the home, easing off a little for a steady girlfriend, no overnight guests at all, etc.

More importantly though, your husband (with or without you) needs to sit down and have a heart-to-heart, man-to-man discussion with his son about his future. Everyone should be on the same page as to what his plans are. At 20 years old it is time to start figuring things out. If he plans on getting his education, discuss what you/hubby can do to help out and make that happen. If he plans on making working in a restaurant his future, you/hubby should formulate a plan where he can save enough money over time that would allow him to move out of the house and be on his own. If he is not saving and just blowing through his cash, you might want to consider charging him some sort of rent. I would then take that money and put it into an account to give to him at some point when he moves out. Kind of like you are saving it for him because he isn't.

Just my thoughts. At that age I really didn't know what I wanted to do either but I worked and saved every dime I made. It would have been nice if my parents approached me with an idea/plan/options and what they could do to help me be successful.

Just sayin'. Good luck.

Great idea about saving any money we might have him pay in rent! Because, yes, he just blows through it right now. Thanks!

I would back off and give this another year or two, especially since the kid is hardly around.
He will probably mature out and move out, with some kids it just takes a while longer.

Since this is already a sore spot with your husband BACK OFF or he might get the idea that you don't like his son.
In which case your relationship with your provider might suffer irretrievably.

When you marry someone with children you have to understand that those kids will be in your life, for better or worse.

No, you're not unreasonable.

You and you husband need to get on the same page. If the step-son was saving for college to try to better himself, not charging rent would be one thing. To not charge rent when he is blowing through his money just makes you enablers of his mooching lifestyle. He needs to start growing up.

If his biggest ambition is to be a shift-manager (not even general manager) at a fast-food restaurant, as long as you enable his lifestyle, he will end up like some mormons I know. Still living at home at 40+, with no ambition to move out. Ever watch the movie "Failure to Launch"? That's what you'll have.

Google "failure to launch syndrome". You'll get lots of hits, and maybe some suggestions that will work for your situation.

I would put my foot down about him sneaking people into the house in the middle of the night, & not contributing to the upkeep of the home & property.

Even if you didn't have a 5 year old in the house, his sneaking people in & out is extremely irresponsible.

Your house - your rules. No guests without prior knowledge. Period.