This is off topic but I'm looking for advice. My boyfriend and I will be getting married next summer (not in the temple! woohoo!) and we want to keep it as cheap as humanly possible. In fact, I'm seriously considering just doing a city hall wedding. We were considering doing a reception, but we want to keep it as cheap as humanly possible....definitely under $1,000 but in my ideal world it would be under $500.

I would honestly be okay with skipping a reception, but we do want gifts/money for our honeymoon and I feel that people would be less inclined to give either money or gifts if we didn't have a reception to "pay them back". Maybe I'm wrong in assuming this is how people think but it's what I'm expecting.

Our biggest priority is the honeymoon - we want to take a 7-day cruise to Alaska. It would involve cruise tickets, and plane tickets, and other expenses such as lodging/souvenirs/excursions. This could easy be at least $2,500. So we would really appreciate help with a "honeyfund".

I guess my question to you all is, since a lot of you seem to be married, how important was your wedding? Did you do a reception and wish you hadn't and/or wished you had done something different?

We aren't expecting help monetarily from either of our families, and we're poor college kids. I don't think it's the family's responsibility...it's not their wedding. But I don't know if we could do it all completely alone and be able to do both a reception and honeymoon full-out. Opinions? What should we focus on? Is a reception necessary? Thanks!


EDIT (from below):
I want to make something clear though: I never said that we are expecting others to finance our wedding and honeymoon. Yes, we have thought about doing a "honeyfund" for some extra money on the trip instead of doing physical gifts, but as I stated in the original post, it is our wedding and we plan on paying for it. I don't like getting offended but I never said "everyone should pay for our stuff". It might be a nice compliment instead of physical gifts (and it's not abnormal - there is an entire site dedicated to "honeyfunds") but we do not expect it.

We expect that we will have a few thousand dollars to play with, without help from anyone. We also will have been living together for a year when we get married so we're not going in to marriage clueless....I know that's the Mormon way but we're both very smart, responsible people who talk about anything and everything related to changes after we marry. We are not clueless, like many Mormon newlyweds.

Once again, I don't mean to take offense but I do want to make some things clear. We're not looking at going in to extreme debt, we've talked in depth about finances before and after we officially get married, we don't expect people to shower us with gifts (but still want to decide how to approach the topic as I'm sure SOME people will want to), etc.

By the above statement "But I don't know if we could do it all completely alone and be able to do both a reception and honeymoon full-out", I simply am saying that we probably WON'T be able to do both aspects full-out on our own, so we probably WON'T. That's why I'm saying we want to go very mild on the wedding. Not saying we want others to finance us.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 06/07/2015 11:58AM by laxy.

I would not plan a reception that will pay for your honeymoon.
Not everyone is going to give you cash, and some will not give you a gift at all so it's best to not count on all that and then later be disappointed.

If you want to go cheap, then you can certainly do a very cheap wedding at city hall and then perhaps go out for lunch afterwards with just a few people.

Only the 2 of you know if that will be enough.

If you want something more elaborate, perhaps it would help to delay the wedding for a bit longer to help you save money for it.

It's easy to get caught up in the fairy tale kind of wedding that is shown on TV, but it's my experience that the debt people get into is not worth it. You don't want a marriage to begin with thousands of dollars of debt because you had to have just the right type of flowers, the best photographer, the perfect location, the dream gown, the most delectable foods, music, etc.

Yeah, we're quite the opposite of the "fairy tale wedding". To me there is no such thing. I never "dreamed of my wedding" as a little girl. To me that's silly.

We want to keep our wedding at an absolute maximum of $1,500 (and that still makes me cry a little). And the honeymoon, since we'd really like to do what we want most, could easily run us around $2,500-$3,000. Most of this we can pay for with savings and tax returns. But I wouldn't be opposed to taking out a very small loan for a grand or so.

Honestly...I would be incredibly happy with a city hall ceremony, a super nice dinner with family and close friends (a reception even seems like too much to us), and then letting all the focus be on the honeymoon. The wedding is not that important to me - the marriage is.

"I would be incredibly happy with a city hall ceremony, a super nice dinner with family and close friends (a reception even seems like too much to us), and then letting all the focus be on the honeymoon."

You can do better than a city hall wedding, and still not spend much. First, look for a building that you can rent out. In my neighborhood, there's a Lion's Club building within the local city park that they rent out for $100 a day. There's also a gazebo and a pavilion in the park. You can also look for just a pavilion in a state park or recreation area. Often, there's no charge for the use; all you have to do is reserve it in advance.

Or, here's another idea: have a wedding picnic. Secure a location, and then ask all your guests to bring picnic food. That way, you can have the wedding and the reception, and it won't cost you much.

DH and I got married in a Lutheran church. Our 3 small kids, his parents, and one sister were there. That's it. I think we paid the minister $50. No flowers or any of that. I wore a wool suit(purple) because it was -20º.

Afterwards his parents took us all out to dinner at a nice place. And that was it.

Ten years later we went on a honeymoon to the South Pacific.

I don't regret any of it.

when DH and I got married, many and many a year ago.

We didn't both have temple recommends, so fortunately, that was not an option.

We got married in the RS room by the bishop. A trio of ladies from the ward sang a few songs (a cappella, which worked out well, as they had lovely voices). I carried a single, long-stem red rose and tied narrow ribbons to it in our wedding colors. DH had a boutonniere. So much for the florals.

Our reception was in the cultural hall. A little lacking in ambience, but totally made up for it with enthusiasm. My matron of honor bought us a lovely wedding cake. My mother-in-law-to-be bought the dress I was married in. (It was a subsequent marriage for us, so an elaborate white number was not called for.) The Relief Society ladies made platefuls of lovely finger-foods.

We were both up to our necks in debt, paying off prior divorces, and between us, we already had four kids to support. We both worked, but we didn't have two spare cents to rub together.

And our planned "mini-honeymoon" - a visit to my aunt and uncle in Rocky Mountain High Colorado (they had the most lovely condo there!) didn't work out. Instead, we spent several hours in the local hospital emergency room.

One of my eyes had been hurting horribly for the week before the wedding, but between work and trying to move the last of our stuff from our individual dwellings into "our" new home, I had been ignoring the eye. Not smart. A couple of rogue eyelashes had begun growing backwards into the cornea. By the time the doctor finally looked at it, I had developed an ulcerated cornea. No wonder it hurt.

I spent most of that weekend applying antibiotic ointment to my eye and keeping it patched. Not very conducive to romance. It felt like an ice-pick was being driven into my eye.

I think I spent more money on medical expenses than on the wedding. But it has worked out pretty well, all the same!

My brother and his wife planned a wedding at a lighthouse for close family. They arranged for a justice of the peace and held the ceremony in front of the lighthouse with the ocean in the background. They arranged with the national park service to have someone on hand to open the lighthouse so we could tour it after the ceremony. Locals at the park where the lighthouse was also toured the lighthouse excitedly with us saying they had always wanted to go inside.

After that, bride and groom took a walk on the beach while we snapped photos and we then went to a nearby restaurant for dinner. The only real expense was for travel, which family members bore themselves. There were about 14 people in attendance. It was lovely.

By contrast, dh and I had a reception to which we invited about 300 guests including most everyone in my ward. The evening was long and tiring. We never even tasted the food. If I had it to do over again, I would not do that.

Do something very small and inexpensive with dear family and friends and then enjoy your cruise.

Don't count on your wedding gifts paying for your honeymoon. While you can be married in the courthouse, it would be nearly as easy to find another, more attractive venue. Your university might have options -- a chapel or perhaps the alumni club building. Probably the nicest wedding I've ever been to took place in an historic campus chapel with the reception at the alumni club (finger foods and wine) and a string quartet playing. You could probably hire students to play for your reception. I also like the idea of going out to dinner with your family and close friends. Just make sure that the dinner is covered for your guests -- perhaps your parents would be willing to pay for that.

You can have a judge, justice of the peace, Unitarian minister, or wedding officiant marry you. There may be other options as well.

If you plan on taking a cruise, make sure that you do your homework ahead of time. Cruises can have a lot of extra costs that are not included in the initial price.

My advice: skip the honeymoon unless you can easily afford it from your own finances.

"Poor college kids" have no business going on a cruise because they "want to" - whether they just got married or not.

I should clarify - my boyfriend/future husband does work full time so while we are poor college kids we are not "completely broke college kids" and he'll have a decent tax return.

Honestly the honeymoon is the most important part to us. I'd be willing to go virtually non-existent with the wedding part if it means we'd be putting all that money towards a nice honeymoon. But that's just the type of people we are.

I'd offer the following:

-- Don't, whatsoever, go into debt in order to finance your honeymoon. Wait until you can pay out of pocket, because...

-- There are lots of surprise expenses when you first get married. If you make a lot of money, there is a 'marriage penalty' associated with tax (ie, the income caps for a lot of deductions are lower for a married couple than they are for two separate individuals combined) in the US. If you're counting on a gigantic tax refund, this may come into play.

In addition to this, you have to set up house, pay deposits on utility bills, and so on. It adds up quickly.

My family was scattered to the 4 winds when I got married, so we did a reception only in my wife's hometown. It was a bunch of well-meaning people I'd never met and will likely never meet again. Some gave gifts, some didn't. There were a lot of gift cards provided, but not much in the way of cash.

I'd encourage you, if you're looking to wed on a budget, to set the budget first, then solve for the other elements. Some venues are available very cheaply on weekdays or out-of-season. You don't need a priest to actually do the ceremony in most states (including Utah); just has to be somebody that the two of you believe is empowered to wed you. If you want to do just an outdoor ceremony with basic refreshments, you could probably bring the total cost in under $5-$10/person.

My wedding took place in a camp ground. It was beautiful, fun, and very inexpensive. We did cupcakes and invited immediate family only. Ever since I was a little girl I wanted to get married outside. Don't have a wedding for the gifts though, get a second job instead.

If I'm being honest with myself, I don't even really want physical gifts that much...maybe a few things, but overall we already have most everything we need. I'd much rather do a "honeyfund". So in this case, having a reception with tons of people does seem silly to me. Your wedding sounds more up my alley!

But I do think that if people give to a honeyfund for us, they'd still expect some sort of reception. It's a lose-lose in some way, either way.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/07/2015 11:08AM by laxy.

You really can't control what people give to you, nor is it wise to hint for money. Just have the wedding, reception and honeymoon that you want and can afford and let the chips fall where they may when it comes to gifts.

I totally agree with Summer. Be sure to put people before things/money. I would concentrate on being surrounded by friends and family who love you and who are cheering for your union.

Have you thought about taking your trip after graduation?

We do want to be with close family and friends, of course. But our big debate here is whether or not we should just do that (like a dinner) or an actual reception where we invite lots of people.

And we are planning on getting married after I graduate with my undergrad. I'll have a couple years of grad school after that so we'll be doing all the wedding/honeymoon stuff in between.

Maybe it sounds ridiculous to some, but we absolutely want to take our honeymoon as an actual honeymoon. If we do it 3 years from now, it's just another trip. That's our personal feelings and that's how we want to do things.

Just do the dinner. It doesn't sound like the other is important to either of you. Let's face it, acquaintances usually pull a gift from their gift stash and you may not be able to return it for cash. I would just keep it a simple dinner. Maybe your guests will be more generous if your guest list is smaller. :)

consider getting married in September and going in September. Everything is much cheaper up there then. My daughter works for Princess up by Mt. McKinley and I've been on 2 cruises and to see her twice. The flights were $340 in September. My brother took me on the cruises and his wife also told me September is cheaper for cruises, but she teaches school, so we all went in June.

My wedding some 31 years ago, we had in the garden area at the lds chapel we attended. Cost $25. We didn't get a cake, but a friend made me a small one as a gift. We had family make a lot of salads. We had rolls and sliced meats. Since it was outside (on September 1st, so still warm), didn't need many decorations. Rented tablecloths and centerpieces. I only had daisies for a bouquet--not in a "bridal bouquet"--just with a bow around them. I didn't have a line. The biggest cost we had were rings (I didn't get an engagement ring--didn't want one) and my dress. Our wedding did cost less than $1000. No wedding breakfast. We had our reception at 2 to 3:30 p.m.

I had so many compliments because it was actually different from most in Utah. I worked with a lot of nonmormons and they were the ones who told me it was the best reception they'd ever been to.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/07/2015 11:19AM by cl2.

My advice really boils down to: Do not buy something that you can not pay for.

So, if you can't afford a party or dinner for the wedding guests, then you can't invite them to a party or a dinner. I know that sounds harsh - I'm sorry for the harshness of reality. My (non-Mormon) experience is that people are understanding toward poor college students in love, though.

Equally harsh - if you can't afford a honeymoon cruise on your own, then you don't book one. (Sorry, again!) It's crazy risky to hope your wedding gifts will pay for one - not to mention stress-inducing! No one really 'owes' a gift, no matter how elaborate the party or how disapproving the looks of the mothers of the bride and groom.

OTOH, people can be very generous, and if that happens and you have $ later, you could plan a trip then. (1st anniversary would still be romantic!)


Lastly, you never know what things in life will turn out to be the important ones. Often things that were free or inexpensive become the most endearing, even over the costly or planned things. I will share a sweet story of that for you . . .



My in-laws were dirt poor when they married and my MIL had a very cheap engagement ring that FIL promised to replace once he could afford better. [BTW, wedding dinner was one set of parents' gift and one night in fancy hotel was other parents' gift. Party or trip not remotely possible.] Any way, they had to set up a household so they put off replacing the ring. Kids came and they put off replacing the ring. But years later, they grew wealthy. FIL talked about getting a new ring for every anniverary and bday for years, but by then, MIL loved her cheap ring and wouldn't let him! She loved her memories of the early years of being poor but so in love, and the ring represented that to her.

When she was old, MIL told that story many times - especially to young people. She showed off how cheap the ring was and how tiny the diamond chip!

When MIL died, FIL chose to bury her with her plain wedding band but he held onto the cheap engagement ring for himself! He said she would understand that it was his turn to hold onto it for a while. Now he tells young people the story.

That's a lovely story.

I want to make something clear though: I never said that we are expecting others to finance our wedding and honeymoon. Yes, we have thought about doing a "honeyfund" for some extra money on the trip instead of doing physical gifts, but as I stated in the original post, it is our wedding and we plan on paying for it. I don't like getting offended but I never said "everyone should pay for our stuff". It might be a nice compliment instead of physical gifts (and it's not abnormal - there is an entire site dedicated to "honeyfunds") but we do not expect it.

We expect that we will have a few thousand dollars to play with, without help from anyone. We also will have been living together for a year when we get married so we're not going in to marriage clueless....I know that's the Mormon way but we're both very smart, responsible people who talk about anything and everything related to changes after we marry. We are not clueless, like many Mormon newlyweds.

Once again, I don't mean to take offense but I do want to make some things clear. We're not looking at going in to extreme debt, we've talked in depth about finances before and after we officially get married, we don't expect people to shower us with gifts (but still want to decide how to approach the topic as I'm sure SOME people will want to), etc.

I understand! No offense meant either! I'm sure you will work it all out and it's smart to be thinking of all possibilities.

Also, congratulations! :)

Thank you! I never like getting snarky with anyone, but I felt like with all the present responses I needed to clarify myself. :)

Never plan a trip you can not afford to pay yourself without help. If I were you, I would postpone any set plans. Get married, collect gifts and then plan accordingly.

Anything you get as a gift from others is a bonus and should never be expected in any shape or form.

It is just tacky and there is no way around it.

Other than that, Congrats!

I went for the simple ceremony and great trip too. My main goal was to not start married life in debt.

RMM

I think the only reason people mentioned getting into debt is because of how you've worded your questions and also mentioning the honey fund.

All I can tell you about using a honey moon registry is that people I know believe they are very tacky and would not contribute to them. Also, that is a business so not all of the money given is actually used by the bride and groom.

If you have the money to take the cruise, are already living together, why not just take the cruise that you want. Does it have to be a honeymoon, or can it just be a fantastic vacation?

All together we probably spent 2,000 for our wedding, not counting rings. We invited close family and only very close friends. We got more gifts than money, some gift cards for places I didn't care about shopping at, and some gifts were really not needed, were duplicated and not able to be returned without gift receipts etc. still put away here at the house.
We used what money we were given to buy a patio set, it was not a huge amount but we didn't count on getting any money so didn't have it spent already.

What I learned from my wedding is, I will never give a huge platter, and I will only give a gift if it can be returned/exchanged with the included gift receipt.

We have still not taken our dream honeymoon although we have a savings acct with enough money in it now to take it. Life gets in the way and at this time we are not able to go away without a care for a length of time, we do good to just have a short weekend trip.

Honey fund?---tacky.

Do this:
http://www.carnival.com/~/media/CCLUS/Images/pdf/Weddingspricelistpdf.ashx
"You & me" cheap package.
After your return send out a pic of the ceremony to loved ones to announce you are now officially married.

The end

In spite of clarifications added after the fact, the unvarnished truth was spelled out in the OP:

"I would honestly be okay with skipping a reception, but we do want gifts/money for our honeymoon and I feel that people would be less inclined to give either money or gifts if we didn't have a reception to 'pay them back'."

I'm not sure whether to be put off by the unabashed money grab, or to admire the frank honesty.

Don't expect anything and be happy with whatever comes your way.

I don't really see how it's that odd to want gifts or money...it's a fairly natural and traditional aspect of weddings. If we don't get any gifts or money? That's cool too. But I wouldn't be mad if people did give us some.

As for the reception bit, neither of us really want a big reception. We're quiet, private people and it just doesn't sound like something we want to do. I don't think that should negate the possibility of people giving us wedding gifts if they feel so inclined.

People send high school graduates money regardless of if they have a graduation party or not. I don't see how it's different. And I also don't see why the reception and any gifts we get have to go hand in hand.

Honestly, if we got no gifts it wouldn't matter. But would it be nice? Of course. We'd like to facilitate that without compromising what we would really like to do. That's what I'm trying to figure out.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/07/2015 03:18PM by laxy.

I kind of agree with you, Laxy, which is why I'm not sure how to feel about it.

Your blunt honesty about wanting the money/gifts is what amused me. Most folks feel the same way, but wouldn't own up to it...that's all.

I wish you two well.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/07/2015 03:17PM by leftfield.

Haha I try not to be one who fakes anything for the sake of appearances :) For us, we just know who we are, and that we don't like being the center of attention. So a reception doesn't sound like the most fun thing to us. (Also the cost would be a put-off since we already aren't super keen on the idea). So we just have to weigh those factors in with not wanting to for-go the possibility of gifts. It's a fine line.

If you pony up $1,000 for the wedding and reception, and get $900 in gifts and cash, it's a net loss, especially when consider the time lost in the investment.

If you make a "profit" it sort of transforms the celebrants into just so many sheep who were sheared.

There are two basic types of weddings, for love or for status, or so I can argue. You're already essentially married for love; don't spoil it.

And is this all your doing? What's your partner's position on it?

I really never meant for this to be a discussion about "net loss" or "profit". I understand what you're saying but this was never really supposed to be about money, other than to say we don't want to spend a ton and we'd still like the possibility of receiving gifts or money if people feel inclined...

And my partner really doesn't care. He'd be okay with a city hall marriage, mexican potluck at his church (where we leave after an hour), and some whiskey. That's really all he's stated on the matter.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/07/2015 03:14PM by laxy.

You can't have your cake and eat it, too.

Why get married?

You didn't mention your motivation, for the wedding or for the reception--other than to receive gifts.

Other couples who have lived together already have their living space well equipped, and need very little in kitchen supplies, etc.

My son's best friend wanted a simple outdoor wedding, so they rented an area in Red Butte Gardens, part of the U. of Utah, and had a barbecue. Sounds ideal? The bride wanted the wedding dress and the dancing, so they hired a Mariachi band from the University. They decided to have barbecued ribs, catered. Well, that was still a very expensive reception!

I like the idea of having your wedding in Alaska. Your trip seems to be the most important thing to you--and anyone who can't afford to go to Alaska to see you married, well, tough luck. Many people can't see their Mormon brides and grooms married, either, if they are married in a Mormon temple.

Do what you want. Your mind is already made up. Your reception would be just an afterthought.

I understand that most of the time, you can't have your cake and eat it too. But that's not going to discourage me from trying to do what we really, ideally want. I would be doing myself a disservice if I just gave up and settled without trying.

And we want to get married because we want to be married...I don't really know how to explain that other than we want to be husband and wife. We still want it to be somewhat special - it is our wedding after all. It's just not the most important day of our lives like some make it out to be. Our motivation is not to receive gifts. I simply don't want to rule it out.

We also do not plan on doing our wedding in Alaska. That's just the honeymoon. I don't want to make anyone pay for anything just to suit us.

And if the reception being an afterthought translates to "the least important part of the marriage celebration" - then yes. That's accurate.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/07/2015 04:01PM by laxy.

IMO the best reason to have a reception or dinner is so that you and your guests can have a chance to celebrate together. It doesn't have to be elaborate. Some good food (could be finger food,) wine and champagne for a toast, pretty flowers and tablecloths, and music in a pleasant setting will do quite well.

Look around on the web and I'm sure that you will get plenty of ideas.

You have up to a year after a wedding to gift a couple. Gifts are gifts and not obligations, and you never know what you will and won't get. The whole thing is about sharing joy.

I'd wait until your fifth anniversary and go on a kickass honeymoon.

Have the wedding you want. Have the reception you want. Don't count on receiving any gifts because you are getting married.

Just to be safe, the invitations could announce that you'll be holding a borsa.