It's been 5 years since my Mormon reality came crashing down on me. At the time I thought there was no hope for me and that I was doomed to a live in silent servitude... kneeling at the foot of a god I no longer believed in. (see http://www.exmormon.org/mormon/mormon413.htm). I attended two conferences in 2007 and 2008 and felt at home with so many other battle-weary souls who were fighting to reclaim what they had lost or, perhaps, had never known they had all along. My heart was touched and inspired by the many, many individuals who had persevered through impossible odds and come through their trials happy and confident. I hoped that I could count myself among them someday.

During the last 5 years so much has changed... so much... I have moved across the country, back into the heart of Zion. I have gone through the heart-wrending and soul crusing process of separating and not living under the same roof as my dear children. The economy has taken its toll on me. I have gone to the brink of suicide and back. I have felt so very alone at times.

But life has been relentless in its march forward. I learned some lessons during my sojourn in my personal abyss that have carried me though the most difficult times. I have learned that it is critical to connect with people - even when the thing you want more than anything else is to be completely alone in your misery. I have learned that I MUST step outside myself and be of some service to others. These are the answers that I found. They work for me. And I am gratefull for their life-saving influence. In the last 5 years I have found love again. I have a renewed sense of hope. I have a home and a family who has choosed to accept me for who I am and, what's more, my sweet wife and I are having an influence on our very Mormon families. We are "letting our light so shine" and our happiness and contentment are bewildering to those in our families that have been taught that such was not possible outside the Mormon construct. I have even made peace with my Mormon past. I am truly moving on.

But this last weekend, as my wife and I sat through the conference and listened to the stories of personal pain and anguish my heart broke anew. As Mrs. Enigma and I drove home Saturday night I wept for all the people who must suffer as I suffered and I wished... oh how I wished that I could take all that pain and suffering... such needless suffering and send it away. It weighed so heavily on my that so many are lonely or berift of the human contact that they enjoyed while in the confines of Mormonism. I rememberd this weekend... I remembered all the pain and the rage and the hurt and the longing and the agony and I wept for all those that are suffering... in many instances silently. There is so little that I can do to ease the pain you are going through but, if nothing else, please believe me when I tell you that you have reason to hope. Please, please, PLEASE hold on to hope - even if you feel you have none left to grab on to. Find someone to talk to. Make an effort to visit with someone who undestands where you are coming from. Reach out... even if you feel abandoned. Please believe that you have something worthwhile to offer someone else. I promise you that you do! I've spent a lot of time speaking with others who have been where you have been and I KNOW that there is reason to hope.

Please know that you are worth loving.

Please know that your life is worth living.

Please know that you are enough.

Enigma.