If you know and remember my saga about my sis you know she has been responsibly diagnosed (I'm not just being dramatic) with NPD. Following the advice of therapists, I decided to go "No Contact" with her. Actually, I didn't think I would need to because she hasn't spoken to/contacted me since our mother died in April. I've tried to contact her only because I'm the executor of our mother's estate. I ended up having to transfer information to her thru her attorney who is a totally good guy. He has made everything easy for me but expensive for her.
Today a card (looks like a Xmas card) arrived in the mail from Sis. I'm committed to going "No Contact" and am wondering if I should return the card unopened, along with any gifts that might also get mailed or dropped at my door ? Should I open the card and simply not respond? I was totally hoping Sis would leave me alone thru the holidays. I'm not sure if she is hoovering or just sending more toxic communications.
What advice can you dear people suggest? You have all been a world of help to me in the past.
If it were me, I wouldn't return it. Returning the card lets her know you received it, but would simply feed any righteous persecution part of her NPD.
I'd simply not respond at all. This will IMO bother her even more because (1) she can't be certain you got the card; and (2) if you did get it, you didn't think she was important enough to answer. Also, you stay true to yourself and your own policy.
You may want to consider having a friend and/or trusted neighbor open and silently read the card, like a spam filter. If they say "you don't need this," ask them to tear it up so you don't have to see it.
> am wondering if I should return the > card unopened, along with any gifts that might > also get mailed or dropped at my door ? Should I > open the card and simply not respond? =========================== Sounds like maybe you feel responsible for her feelings? NPD sufferers are talented for throwing the "responsibility ball" at others -- but you have to catch it to get hooked.
You don't have to catch it.
Consider that you have no ability to change her feelings, so cannot be responsible for her feelings. She's an adult. She is responsible. So gotta figure out: why do I feel responsible for something I am not responsible for, and taking on that unnecessary burden.
> totally hoping Sis would leave me alone thru the > holidays. I'm not sure if she is hoovering or just > sending more toxic communications. =========================== Consider also she has no actual power over you, unless you grant it. So got to question: but why do I feel she does, why do I feel cornered when I'm actually not.
I am in the exact same situation. Been officially no contact for about 4 months.
Uour sis is hoovering yes. The book i have about no contact is you do not accept gifts. So throw them in the trash or send them right back unopened. Gifts are meant to mess with you emotionally because they know you feel real empathy. Gifts soften you up for a successful hoover.
I am in the same boat. Maintaining no contact with entire family is not easy. I am grieving them all as if they have already died. Not easy but people with NPD use a false self for the most part so they do not really exist anyways. I know its a big time mind screw and struggle to get away from the machines pretending to be human with NPD. May God be with you in maintaining no contact. Its a devil of a disorder to get away from permanently. Ask me how I know. Been dealing with these 'things' since birth.
F#ck, I'm trying. Escaping the most predatory monster I have ever known in my whole life. Him pretending to be a righteous Christian as a false front to cover what he really was underneath.
I know. Because we've been deeply indoctrinated, it's a lifelong battle to ignore The Committee in our heads that tells us we're not worthy. Fundamentalist Christianity is all about how we're not worthy. We're born with original sin (not worthy), so god had to sacrifice his *only son* (that's a mindfuck there), and we're not worthy of that sacrifice, so we'll go to hell if we don't become good little Christians.
A god that creates us and then screws us like that isn't worthy of my respect let alone love and worship.
Some people appreciate the hard work Jordon Peterson has put into his work.
I personally have a fully enforced no contact with a somewhat severe condition in a long time acquaintance, its hard but not too hard. Your doctor that no's said it well, why do you wish to fix it all?
I knew one day it would eventually come into this, it's terrible that it's really here now. I think back two years ago where I pursued a simple lunch with the deteriorating situation (condition) of this person and it never came about. Things were obviously worse than I thought back then, hmmm.
If I didn't earnestly seek out any piece of quality time with the unlikely chance anything might really occur, I would probably like to reach out harder. I'm not reaching out ever again, it's unfortunate and almost weirdly a closed subject. Prayer in times like these are needed and a great step in the right direction for me.
My advice: narcissists thrive on attention. Your sis is trying to love bomb you (just like the Morg) into being her supply. And if you respond to tell her to back off, she will keep contacting you to try and get more responses out of you. The only way to win a narcissist's mind game is not to play.
Return packages to sender with no note or explanation. If you have a fireplace, cards and letters from the narcissist make good kindling. Don't respond at all; silence is a narcissist's kryptonite.
this^^^. Took me a while to figure this out although I did not truly understand what I was up against with NPD or even knew that is what everyone had around me.
Sis is a control freak. When our father was alive she basically saw me as nonexistent. She wasn't nice but she wasn't exactly horrible to anyone but Dad. She saw him as the person in our family with all the power and she hated him for it. Dad was not controlling but he did set boundaries that Sis HATED!
When Dad died Sis shifted all her hate to Mom since Mom was now head of the family. Mom was never controlling either but, like Dad, set healthy boundaries. Sis hated that too. In my mother's last days on earth Sis sent some truly horrible cards and letters to Mom that I just tossed. I would just tell Mom that Sis sent a Xmas card with a Santa that says Merry Christmas without telling her any of Sis's horrible accusations.
When Mom died in April, Sis proclaimed herself to be the matriarch of the family and proceeded to act like a tyrant. I had expected this. As the only remaining person in the family with boundaries (her kids are trauma bonded to her) I'm getting all the hatred aimed at me. Since I saw how it went with Dad and Mom, I have a clear picture of what's ahead. No contact is the only clear path.
I guess it doesn't really matter if I toss her gifts and letters or if I return them unopened. It only matters that I disengage. Since I receive my mail at a Mailboxes, Etc. I can have the manager return anything she sends and she won't know if I'm rejecting her stuff or if I have changed addresses. She can, of course, ask for a forwarding address I guess. But so what.
they are insane control freaks and tyrants. Its literally a miracle I got out of their sight and grip. They only see me as an object or an extension of themselves and their property. Its a sick thing. Been working on overcoming the trauma bond thing(Stockholm syndrome), addiction yo the chaos Rollercoaster that I hot used to basically. Its not easy. But I still try. The trauma bond with my father has been the hardest thing to break. I'm dealing with an insane predator that puts on a false mask to fool everybody into thinking they are a good and decent human being. And with the trauma bond its almost like I got injected by an addictive poison by them intentionally to bind me to them. Trust me love has nothing to do with this connection or bond because they can not feel real love on any level. I wish you luck my friend. Its not easy to cut out family permanently but with this disorder you absolutely have to cut them out for good. Have your sisters funeral and burn a picture of her. That's what I did. I had my family's funeral as if they all died in a car accident. Tough stuff but I had to do it.
I told my mother that I wanted to leave town after she died but I knew my sis and her kids would never put a headstone in the family grave plot for me when I died. That was my only regret. Mom suggested I go ahead and put a headstone for myself in the plot with my name and birthdate and let my executor of my will be responsible for including my death date when the time came. Thanks Mom!!!!!!!
Wow! Did that set me free of regret. I bought my headstone as Mom suggested, made out my will, and now I'm ready to leave town when Covid-19 is under control. I am so ready to split this Ville and retire someplace warm. Hopefully Sis will not hunt me down.
(Once a condo next-door to mine came on the market and she threatened to move-in. I sweat bullets over that one!!! Thank goodness she had no money)
Yes, your executor of your estate can (and will) handle burial details. If you want, that executor can be a lawyer, but that lawyer will take a cut of your estate.
Your mom was a smart cookie!
Moving someplace warm sounds like a good plan.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/14/2020 06:46PM by summer.