Hello friends! I hope I am welcome here as I am still a Mormon. I've been debating about leaving the church for a long time. I only debate because it's going to DESTROY my parents. I haven't been to church in many years and have NO interest in anything to do with the Mormon church. But I wonder if it's worth it to put my parents through that pain? I know it's about me, not them, but it's still hard. Every time I move to a new location they are always going behind my back & calling my bishop to try to get some visiting teachers/missionaries/etc to come visit me. I apologize in advance I'm going to ramble a bit.

I am the youngest of 8 kids. Everyone in my family is very active in the church except for me. We're all really close, and as far as I can tell, no one really cares that I have no interest. They treat me the same as always.
My dad was a bishop and stake president for most of my life. He has always been a GREAT man. Very humble, funny, helpful, selfless, etc.
My 20 year old niece is gay. I've known for years but I guess a lot of my family just found out this month. My parents had planned to let her live with them indefinitely to help her get on her feet. She's addicted to drugs, has been to jail, gets in fights, yadda yadda. As soon as my dad found out she's gay, he took back his offer and said he will not support her 'appalling lifestyle". She said "Well I'm also addicted to drugs that could easily kill me. Does that bother you? And he said "That's not my concern."
I think this is what put me over the edge. Mormons believe that people are BORN gay but they shouldn't be able to be with people of the same sex. It drives me NUTS. How does that make any sense?
As far as I'm concerned, God is against people who HATE, people who ALIENATE, and people who JUDGE. He would never make someone be gay and then forbid them to act on it!! So silly to me, I can't even stand it.

Anyway that's all I got. What do you think?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/27/2015 10:35PM by hellohibye.

I just read this and it looks all over the place & crazy! Sorry. Just so much on my mind!!

My advice is to leave. I know it probably doesn't mean much to do it officially since you seem to have already detached yourself but it feels so good to be free from it in every way for yourself.
I left with my husband, (I'm only 22) but I probably never would have made the cut if my husband didn't want to, but we decided to do it together and it was the best decision I ever made. It feels SO good to think or say "I'm not a Mormon".
Sorry for my ramblings, but I'm trying to show how liberating it really is! You'll no longer be 'less active' haha.
As for your parents... You need to not care when this is not about them. I love my parents a lot. and I was hurt for them when I told them I left... but I have so much respect for myself for it. Hope this helps.
P.s I'm so sad that your niece isn't getting the support she needs!

http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,1614837

This was posted today! It really does feel good.

I thought it cogent and thoughtful. It's a messy plate, but it's all there, easily palatable.

I don't have any useful advice. My first thought isn't for you, it's for your niece. Obviously her parents have given up on her and I'm in no position to judge them, yea or nay, on whether that was the right thing to do. Obviously it's done, so that's that. But it's her for whom I feel more concern. Compared to her, how do you think your situation ranks with me?

Nonetheless, I don't think it is useful for you to make waves. If people are leaving you be, go with that flow.

Can you do anything for your niece?

It really isn't a question of what you should do. It is a question of what you want to do. Do what you want to do. Live your life for you, not for others.

On a side note, I would not allow your niece to live with me. Your parents weren't helping her when they were offering to allow her to live with them. They were just enabling her. Her sexual orientation isn't the real problem. Her drugs and out of control behavior is the problem. I would let her address those on her own.

Someone posted a link to my thread earlier. I just sent in my resignation today.

Everyone else in your life aside: the real key to happiness and peace is being true to yourself. I finally, for the first time in my life, feel like myself. My true, authentic self. And nothing could be better.

When it comes down to it, we here could preach at you all day long about what you should do. Similarly, those still in the church could do the same on the opposite side of the fence. But the decision is yours and yours alone. Whatever you do, it is your choice. I can tell you that my life has increased in joy exponentially. It doesn't mean that well meaning people in my life aren't upset or hurt. I'm sorry if they are, but my personal integrity is more important than that. More important than any relationship.

I hope you find happiness whatever you decide to do.

I can only tell you that you are not responsible for the happiness and well-being of your family members. They have to be responsible for their own happiness.

You need to do what is right for you, whatever that may be. They can either live with your decisions as an adult, or they can't. But it's up to them to deal with it.

By the way, my Mormon friends don't believe that gays are born that way at all. They insist that it has to be a choice, because their Heavenly Father would never do that to someone.

Something you might consider....leaving the cult because some of the people are lame is only a reflection on human nature. Some of the finest people I have known in my 66 years are LDS. Personally I only left because after years of study I found that it was no more true than Santa Claus or Nazism. If I were you I would spend a few months studying everything you can find on this website. Make a list of all of the reasons it is not true and then see if you need to make a change. You also might want to stay in for awhile and subtlety drop historical questions about the cult on your family members and plant a seed that might help them to escape the brainwashing. As for the gay issue...my little sister was gay because when she was 8 years old the guy across the street was raping her and his 8 year old daughter at the same time. She never told us because he threatened her. She fell in love with a girl in high school because she was so afraid of men. She was so filled with guilt and emotionally drained that I believe it caused her M.S. which eventually killed her after 26 years on her back in nursing homes. Your niece needs everyone's love...love is the only true religion.

...are you implying all gay people are gay because they were molested? I sure hope not. If so, that is a huge misconception you have. I am gay. I was attracted to males from a very young age...have never had a desire to be with a woman. Not once. But guess what? I was never once molested! And there are many who are molested who aren't gay.

To the original poster. If you have the desire to leave, you should leave. You're already aware of the repurcussions this may entail from your family and LDS friends. But it's your life to live the way you choose and shouldn't be lived according to others expectations. When you do leave, it's like a weight lifted off of you emotionally. It's wonderful.

I am sorry to hear about your niece and her drug addictions. Drug addict situations can be very hard to combat. They have got to really want to change in order to turn their life back around...but in addition, they also need a lot of support. The fact that your parents were willing to help her before they found out she's gay says a lot about your parents! Putting aside the fact that I'm sure, like you said, they do have some good human qualities. They're just totally misinformed...as are most TBM's.

It won't destroy your parents. They may have their moments, they may not speak to you again, but they will keep being who they are.

I'm one of 7. My dad was a bishop etc. etc. I'm the only one who has left. I also have no connection with my family of origin. I'm pretty sure my parents are still doing just what they've always done.

I have to say leaving mormonism was the kindest thing i've ever done for myself and my husband and kids. We all left together.

Of course you are welcome here! People who are in your shoes have come to different decisions about whether to stay in the church or to resign. Some stay on the rolls until their parents die. Others cut the cord.

Only you know your parents and siblings, and how they might react to your resignation. Sometimes family members will cut you off either largely or entirely if you resign. If you feel this is a possibility, you will need to decide if it is worth it to you. OTOH, if the pestering by your local ward ever gets out of control, that may drive your decision-making.

As for your niece, regardless of the reason that your parents rejected her, it would be unwise of them to take her in due to her drug addiction.

Your parents already know that you aren't participating in the church and haven't for years. It can't be too much of a shock to them if you resign your membership. Essentially, you've already left; you just haven't formalized it.

Whether you take that final step or not is up to you.

Obviously, your parents won't be pleased if you resign. But they're not pleased anyway! The only way to satisfy them is to rejoin a church you don't believe in.

Yes, leave.

Conditional love is a treacherous thing.

In 1958 I was 19 years old and I had been an atheist for 5 years. I went completely inactive. At that time there was no such thing as "resigning" one's membership. That didn't become available until the 1980s when a disgruntled member sued the Church because they would not allow him to resign.

When I went inactive my faithful Mormon parents knew about it and they accepted it. My father occasionally suggested that I should return to church but I simply ignored him on that matter. I finally resigned in 1994 after my parents had passed away. There would have been nothing to gain if I had resigned when they were still alive.

The local bishops and ward members didn't bother me much. In all the time from 1958 to 1994 I was only contacted one time by a ward clerk who told me that the bishop wanted to meet with me. I told the ward clerk that in the unlikely event that I ever wanted to meet with the bishop then I knew how to get in contact with him. Otherwise, he should lose my phone number and never contact me again. That was the last time I heard from them.

If you have a stable relationship with your parents, and since you are completely inactive, I can see no benefit to resigning. Just wait until they pass away.

Your story said it all. Thank you for sharing.

Your actions CANNOT destroy your parents!!!

Only the way they CHOOSE TO REACT to your choice can damage them.

IMHO you must act in what you believe to be your best interest.

I think it is tough on parents, but in Lyndon Lamborn's words, also somewhat healthy for them. It's good for people to be confronted with other points of view, especially people in very cloistered cultures like Mormonism.

I've noticed the people that break the news slowly over time seem to encounter a lot less pain and tears from their family. Maybe that way, it's less of a shock.

Yes.