You now have unrestricted access to the vaults.
What is the first thing you do?
You grab the hat. yes, that hat. And the rock. You know which rock I'm talking about. And you put the rock in the hat and bury your face in it, just to see if something would happen. Heck, you are God's one and only seer for the whole world, are you not?

Admit it, you know you would.

Sure, I'd give it a try. But first I'd pick some obvious problem for the church--maybe the temple endowment--and devote several days to praying about it. If I heard no voices and saw no angels, then I'd try the Rock of Ages.

The first thing I'd do is dig up Cumorah and get all of them golden plates and other treasures of the Nephites. Then I'd turn the mall into a homeless shelter. After that I'd announce that tithing is going to be raised to 30% of gross income while wearing a Jesus was a black man t-shirt

I'd give myself a raise and then have one of the Deseret holding companies buy Pebble Beach Golf Course for Jesus. Then I'd go through the vaults, looking for some cool ball markers.

Then I'd go play Pebble Beach with Jesus.

DING DING. Great answer. Can you imagine Jesus playing golf? He'd be really good.

Here's a serious question... Who would sponsor Jesus if he were a professional golfer?

Home Depot.

Whether for general construction (if Jesus is pronounced "haysooss") or for specialty nails (if our Lord and Savior).

I say Nike. He could take Tiger's place...

I'd go look for the Oliver Cowdry history of mormonism (the original history of the church that is way too embarassing) this is the one hinkley bragged about to mark hoffman about. It's got all the good stuff about the salamanders and the old spirit turning into a violent demon etc. There is suppose to be such damning evidence that the whole foundation of mormondom may topple?

hoffman made that oliver cowdery history story up:


The reader may remember that a few months before the bombings a story was put forth that the Mormon Church had a secret document known as the Oliver Cowdery history which supported the Salamander letter.

We became suspicious that the mysterious source of this report might be Hofmann himself. In the August 1985 issue of the Messenger, we suggested that Hofmann might be the "Deep Throat" who leaked the information.

In his testimony, Mark Hofmann frankly admitted he "was the deep throat... described in the media." Hofmann was questioned as follows concerning the Oliver Cowdery history:

Q Is there anything to that story?

A No.

Q Is that all a creation of yours?

A That's pure creation.

I'd put everything from the vault into both the Church History Museum and the Daughters of Utah Pioneers Museum. People would be free to read and copy all of the information.

First thing I'd do is work to decentralize the command structure. I'd begin systematically selling investment properties to get back to the mission of what the church (any church) can and should be.

I'd immediately issue a statement to be read in all sacrament meetings about the proper tithe (10% of surplus/interest; not gross/net income) the proper use of tithing funds (for the poor and less fortunate) and denouncing the evil of demanding that the poor pay tithing "first." The poor don't pay tithing; they receive it.

I'd loosen/abolish the rules on what Bishops and Stake Presidents can spend on welfare needs. I'd have them keep all the money locally, and build a peer-to-peer system rather than a central command dictatorship for allocating funds between "rich" areas and "poor" areas. I'd require full transparency of all finances at the ward and stake level.

All social scientists, opinion pollers, focus groupers, etc. currently employed by the church are fired, yesterday. I'll say what I believe, and if it's unpopular, damn the consequences. Most church employees are going to have to find other employment, but it starts there.

General authority salaries are eliminated, and duties are scaled back considerably. No one is paid to preach. Wards and stakes will select their own bishops and stake presidents, and I don't care how they do it - cast lots, popular vote, whatever.. entirely up to the local congregation. If you don't like the guy, vote him out.

Temple recommend questions are reduced to the "do you have faith and/or testimony" ones. No sustaining, masturbation, tithing, affiliation, etc. qualifications. If you believe, you can go. Same thing with baptism questions - if you believe, that's good enough for me.

Once I got that stuff done, I'd probably make my way up to the vault and have a look at the stone in the hat. Maybe God would approve of my liberation efforts and show me something cool :)

Chad, your comments are the letter that should be read in sacrament meeting.

Sorry I'd want to see the balance sheet. As a corporate sole I own it all my friend.

I'd have to try on the urim and thummim and peek into the ark of the covenant.

I'd expose everything at GC

I'd propose changing the introductio to the BOM to say that it
is likely that the BOM is not historical but that many
wonderful "Gospel Truths" can be gleaned from its pages.

Then I'd propose putting all of the different Endowment movies
over the years, on the Church's website.

Then I'd remove masturbation from the questions that are asked
in "worthiness interviews."

Then I'd say I got a revelation that women should be equal with
men in receiving the priesthood.

My two counselors, together with the Twelve, would try to talk
me out of taking these steps, but I'd be adamant. Therefore
they would drug me and put me under house-arrest. There would
be messages, supposedly from me, read in General conference,
but that would be the last anyone saw of me lucid in this life.

I'd call Chad as apostle then rip off his plan as my own. A multi billion dollar charity could do wonders to make the world a better place.

Brethren and sisters, as the new prophet of the church, I have used my rock in a hat and received an important revelation that all past prophets were just speaking as men rather than prophets whenever they said anything. Please discard and cease using all printed materials from the church with a print date previous to 2016. This includes the Book of Mormon, Doctrine and Covenants, Pearl of Great Price, and LDS King James version of the Bible.

It has been revealed to me that temple worship is just the philosophies of men mingled with scripture. All temples are to be opened to the public and converted into things like stake centers and museums. Gay temple marriage will now be allowed.

From this point forward, ordination of women shall be allowed. But members, both male and female, need to realize that the priesthood is symbolic and does not involve any actual spiritual power or authority and never has.

It has been revealed to me that the tithing rate has been far too high for far too long. The accountants will be closely studying the matter in the coming weeks, but for now the new tithing rate will be set at 2% of net.

Going forward, the missionary program will be drastically curtailed. It has been revealed to me that our church has very little to teach the rest of the world. I would ask that members stop sending in so many applications to become missionaries. We currently have too many missionaries. In the coming months, the focus of missions will be changed to emphasize humanitarian service over proselytizing.

There is to be moratorium on new excommunications, and an amnesty for all excommunicated members who wish to return to the fold. A special review board will be set up to process the requests. Only the most hardened and unrepentant of criminals will remain excommunicated.

I wish to speak a moment on the pervasiveness of dogma, rules, and regulations in the Mormon church. It has been revealed to me that this is wrong and that we are not to continue down this path to ruin that the Pharisees trod before us. In the coming months, there will be large changes.

The quorum of the twelve and the first and second quorum of the seventy are now to be released. Please raise your hands to give them a vote of thanks. Going forward, church leadership will be less top-heavy. A limited number of new general authorities will be appointed at the October conference.

I feel moved to speak to you for a moment on the nature of God. God is the abstract concept of good. We get hung up on thinking about an old man in a white robe up in the clouds. That is not how we should view God. Let me repeat to you that God is good. Wherever you find good, then that good is of God.

Please be patient, loving, and kind in the coming months as the new changes to the church roll out.

And I say these things in the name of God, Amen.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/30/2015 01:30AM by Heretic 2.

No, I wouldn't waste my time with that crap.
What I would do is call the New York Times and CNN and have them come with their reporters, cameras etc. and photograph everything in the vault and publish any written documents in the vault.

One of the biggest scoops of the last century? Are you kidding? I would sell everything in that vault to the highest paying news agency and let them have a field day with it.... and I'd finally get rich off the people who ripped me off terribly...CSers.

Sounds fun!

I would certainly prove that the CULT is pure evil and always has been, a goal of mine. Sit back and watch it fall apart in front of my eyes (enjoying every second). Celebrating the end of the slimiest scummiest so called religion around. CULT CULT CULT CULT.

My relatives would finally say, verilyverily was right all along. We should have listened to her.

I'd donate the temples to local fire departments so they can practice putting out fires in large buildings. This is after setting fire to them of course.



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 07/30/2015 01:47AM by verilyverily.

First things first!

Hollywood movies to be shown in my new luxury Movie theaters formerly known as MORmON temples, now open to the public.