This is the first topic I've ever added. I've read the board on and off for a while and frequent some other boards. I'm basically agnostic/atheist leaning with some sort of new age-y beliefs mixed in. I like some ideas from Buddhism and I like what the Dalai Lama said about his religion being kindness. That's me, but I just don't even know how to break the ice with anything close to telling people where I stand. I'm in the heart of Utah County with no options for moving for about 5 years so I feel the need to tread with caution.

I've been kind of going through the motions with anything church related for 2 years, I'm trying to fade out of church activity slowly, but I don't know. Is a shock and awe campaign really better? I know some people just say live authentically, but it's really hard to figure out what they actually translates to. I hate people assuming that I am a TBM, but I don't want to go trumpeting around saying the church's a big fake and you're all idiots either because that just seems futile and like it will stir up more problems than any sort of good.

If you could go back to before you left the church (to those who have left already) what would you do differently? Or what advice would you give to yourself?

There is no one right way to leave.

What works for you works for you and it doesn't matter if it meets the approval of those inside or outside the church.

If find that leaving in small steps works, then leave in small steps. If you find quitting cold turkey works, quit cold turkey.

Leaving can include a formal resignation, but it doesn't have to. There are very limited practical benefits to formally resigning, but many who resign find that the closure helps them personally.

I think many find that trying to argue or reason with the church on the way out is counter productive. It is likely to leave you frustrated unless you are a confrontational person by nature.

Thanks for all the thoughts and advice shared so far. Thankfully my spouse is on the same page as me about the church. Issues going forward have to do with not wanting to burn bridges for the sake of our kids and them being able to make friends in the neighborhood without all the parents in the neighborhood thinking we are Satan. We've also been concerned about the pain our parents may have from their literal belief about the celestial kingdom. We can joke about the CK and the plan of salvation all we want, but the pain for them will be real.

I've kept my disbelief/disaffection a secret for almost 2 years now and I feel like I have missed the boat to organically share doubts and concerns about the church. I can't say, "Wow! Look at this article about the peep stone in the Ensign, it concerns me." because that's not where I am. I was there a year ago.

I think we're going to keep going forward with the slow fade for now. I do feel I have moved beyond the anger/grief to indifference thankfully, but I know the emotions may come back fresh when people try to "rescue" us.

A lot of good things for me to think about and consider that you have all shared. Thanks and would appreciate any more wisdom you all have to share.

That response was supposed to be further down. I'm a newb at posting. Sorry :P

I assume family is involved somehow? Husband? Kids? Living at home? My best advice is to come clean to them, let them know you have doubts and that you no longer wish to participate. Going through the motions will wear you down after a while. Take it from a guy who tried that and had full intention of living that way the rest of my life. I made it about 3 years before I just had to be true to myself no matter the fallout with my family. I started out slow, I stopped paying tithing then stopped taking the sacrament. Eventually I stopped attending church altogether and then I came out to my wife that I don't believe any of it about a month ago. My DW has been amazingly supportive, we are in a place that we are more open with each other now than we have been for a long time.

If family isn't involved, what relationships do you stand to lose if you leave? Are those relationships worth keeping if they are conditional on your attendance and participation in the church?

If I were to go back in time, I would tell myself to not pretend. Not to live up to other peoples standards and that it will all work out for the best.

I know I say this as a random anonymous person on the internet and its not always as simple as just moving forward. Fear will make you do things that you don't want to do. Once you overcome that fear though you will move towards the person you want to be at an incredible rate.

Good luck and keep us posted!

justsomegirl Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I hate people assuming
> that I am a TBM, but I don't want to go trumpeting
> around saying the church's a big fake and you're
> all idiots either because that just seems futile
> and like it will stir up more problems than any
> sort of good.
>
Why is there only two options, and both of them extreme?

Just don't go to the stupid church, don't worry what others think, and don't try to convert them to your way of thinking. You don't have to become a person that has to tell everyone else they are wrong, just know it yourself.

Keep in mind the words of Victor Frankl, which I cannot find the quote quote, but in summary

the opposite of hate is not love, the opposite of love is not hate. The opposite of both love and hate is indifference.

Become indifferent towards the church, that is where you want to be. You don't need to fake being a TBM, and you don't need to rail against the church.

In the five states where I've lived, most nevermos don't make a point of discussing their religious beliefs. It's considered a private matter. So don't feel that you need to announce or discuss anything. Unless you are dating someone and getting serious, your beliefs are your business and no one else's.

Living in Utah County, I can understand why you might want to stay a nominal Mormon for now. If you go, go just often enough to stay below everyone's radar -- maybe once or twice a month. Make the other Sundays about you and what you want to do with your time.

You don't have to know what you believe to know that you don't believe in mormonism....

Remember "No belief is still better than believing in mormonism"

People usually won't ask. They seem to be afraid of the answers these days. If they do, just laugh and tell them you're in semi retirement.

I was like you for a while after my mission, just kind of slowly easing out, not going to all the meetings, not paying attention, etc.
Then the bishop grabbed me, and "called" me to teach Sunday school classes to teenagers. Because of my supposedly oh-so-strong just-back-from-my-mission testimony.

That was my catalyst. I realized then and there I couldn't show up every Sunday and lie to these kids. So I told him no (to the calling), told him I didn't believe any of it, and walked out. Never went back to another regular meeting.

There doesn't have to be a catalyst event like that. If drifting slowly away works for you, go for it. Whatever gets you out.

I wish I had not told my mother I didn't believe. She was old. She felt like a failure. She would not drop it and was still bitching about me going back to church on her deathbed.

I could have just stayed inactive and played along for her last few years. It would have been no big deal to tell her what she wanted to hear.

At her age, I was basically telling her that everything about how she lived her life was bogus. By rejecting the most important thing in her life, it was like saying her life was not something I valued. This was not really true, but she could not handle the fact that I rejected the basis for her values and decisions. The eternal family was ruined in her mind. You know the crap they believe.

Weigh carefully what it means to be honest to yourself and the consequences of going around popping faith bubbles. I fluctuate between the importance of standing up for the truth at all costs and whether or not other people are important enough to receive honest answers from me. Some are, some aren't.

As far as church and community, I vote for the slow fade. It worked OK for us.

I suppose you could tell people you are taking a vacation from mormonism.

God told me to leave. He didn't want me ruining testimonies of believers.

What are you most comfortable with? Remember, simply because someone asks you a question, doesn't mean you must answer them to THEIR satisfaction, or at all for that matter. You don't owe anyone an explanation, or an excuse, just go about your life/business.

Practice with your hubby... He pretends to be the bishop, "Sister Sheep, I'm calling you to be YW councillor."

You, "I'm declining that invitation." Hang up, walk away...

Hubby/bishop, "Why, Sister Sheep? the Lord is counting on you."

You, "It wouldn't be advantageous for my emotional well being."
You, "My decision is between me and the Lord."
You, "Some of the principles in the manual are not congruent with my current world view regarding human rights."
You, "I'm unwilling to pack my bags for this guilt trip."

(Make firm, declarative statements. They can be as vague or obtuse as you choose. Use vocabulary beyond the bishop's level of comprehension, or use the same nonsense/non-words Mormonism uses: the spirit, tender mercy, blessing, personal revelation, sacred...)

Arm your children for similar scenarios. Prepare them with different methods to avoid scrutiny, conflict, judgement... Humor will help them.

Good luck swimming in the Mormon rip tide. Swim sideways, not against the current, then you will gradually make it out. =)

If you pull away slowly and timidly they will hold meetings about your waning enthusiasm and when you finally stop attending they will beat a path to your door with home teachers, missionaries, and endless drop by activity. They will bombard you with callings to keep you involved. They will also drag your family into asking what's the problem and throwing heaps of guilt on them.

If you leave boldly and resign immediately without any fanfare then they won't know what hit them. They will spread rumors that you have been hiding sins and are too lazy or too wicked to repent. You will be shunned and yet probably still called and visited by missionaries until they see you are serious.

There is no way to do it painlessly or without fallout. They see it as their job to make apostates as miserable as possible and then blame the misery on lost faith.

There is no "great" way to leave. I only cared how my actions would affect my family. Once I realized it made no difference to them I felt free to speak my own mind and TBM reactions didn't matter much to me.

Good luck with whatever you decide. Everyone's journey out is unique but you have RfM at your back.