Today was the baptism of my youngest son. I left the church over a year ago, so my oldest son (a senior in high school) performed the baptism. (He and I have a great relationship where religion is concerned, and he understands me.) Anyway, about an hour before the service, my daughter comes back to my office in my house, and was upset. (This is my daughter who told me that she will not get married in a place where I cannot attend her wedding.) Her grandmother, my mother in law, told her she should not be wearing the dress she was wearing because horror upon horror, her shoulders were showing. I hugged her and told her we would get through this day.

I went to the service myself wearing a multi-colored, open-collared shirt, with a necklace I like, because I will wear what I want to wear. I was polite to the bishop (the one who told me being in the church is like a club, and I needed to follow the rules) and the other ward members who were there. I sat through the services, holding in my emotions. I had already told my little boy that despite the fact I have different religious views now, that I love him, and will always support him in life.

I sat and watched him confirmed by my father in law, and my mind flashed back to 3 years ago, when I was able to baptize my second-youngest son, but was told I could not confirm him because I did not hold a temple recommend. My anger was building. When it was over, I could not bear to stay for the meal my wife prepared, especially as I saw missionaries lurking in the church. Earlier I had declined going to help her set it up, and had told her that to me, this was not a day of celebration, and why could we have not just done a small meal here at home. I had my son take me home.

I am home now, and some of the people will think I am an ass, but I don't care. I went and supported my boy, and that's all that matters. I just hope my obnoxious sister in law doesn't eat all of the tasty pulled pork my wife is serving at the meal. :)

It is heartbreaking. I have missed two baptisms of granddaughters in the last few years because I just can't do it. And it just pains me to get the nearly formal invitation that starts out
"Little 8 year old (insert name)" has CHOSEN to be baptized blah blah blah. Yeah, right.

We are here for you to vent all you need to!

Are you upset because your family hasn't followed you out?

Nothing in your story suggests that anyone was rude to you. In fact, it seems you were treated pretty well.

That is almost how my husband was treated at our granddaughter's blessing. Unlike me, he is technically still a member; but, there was some discussion about whether he should stand in the holy, holy, holy circle. I have said this in a thread before, so at the risk of repeating myself, I informed my sons that Dad would be the most righteous man in the building even if he came in drunk and naked with a tattoo on his be-hind!

I hope and pray the holy rock revelation will cure your wife of the whole big charade!

So sorry your day was bad. :(

I never implied that anyone was rude to me. If anything, they were trying to be over polite, but I am not dumb. I am just upset by the whole process.

I showed my wife the seer stone thing earlier this week, and all she said was "Hmmm". I said, "Nothing that comes out will ever change your mind will it." She said "Nope." I have come to accept that. I have great relationships with my kids, and I make sure they hear BOTH sides.

Then why the anger?

It seems to me to be because your family did not change its beliefs as you did.

Nothing in your posts suggests that your immediate family is angry because you changed your beliefs. Your posts does, however, suggest you are angry at what your family believes.

What part of sportsguys post sets you off. Even his post says he just wants to vent. Why criticize and Bully him? Why not support him or just let him vent? This site is here to help people in all phases of leaving the cult, not to attack each other. Just saying....

Jesus would be venting about this stupid club, too.

Of course, he wouldn't have a temple recommend either.

Sportsguy :
They wouldn't let you confirm your son because you didn't hold a temple recommend ?!?

I don't hear you being angry about this. But the HURT is totally earth shattering. That is just painful for me to even think about. Talk about going by the letter of the law & not the Spirit of the law.
If it makes you feel even a 'titch' better....ANYONE who has a heart & is human , would be hurt. I'm not saying offended here. I am saying hurt in the dearest part of your heart.

You don't hear him being angry, even though the very next thing he said was his anger was building?

He declared himself to be angry. He did not imply or suggest he was angry. You don't have to read between the lines to notice his anger.

He said it in the most direct manner possible.

"Then why the anger?" - from whywait

Because anger is a secondary emotion - it almost always (except in pathological cases) results from an underlying emotional response triggered by some event. In this case, it doesn't take a shrink to see pain as a result of being excluded. Humans need -- on a survival level sociobiologically -- to be included in the "pack." Exclusion of any kind hurts unless you are one tough son of a b-----.

Sportsguy, even if I don't understand, I do empathisize! What happened is just plain rude and hurtful IMO. I wish you had been my dad!

The OP resigned from the pack. The only thing he was excluded from was full participation in a pack ritual. No pack that I am aware of allows former members to actively participate in its rituals.

Hi Sportsguy.
When I attend family Mormon functions I have a similar response as you. I believe that I was fooled for about 45 years of my life. The deception included loosing precious money, time, and on some level, mental health. I project this onto my family members. Most of them seem fine with the status quo. In fact the church is the only reason some of them stay married and the only place a cute niece fits in.
I understand your frustration, but for a lot of personality types the church works just fine.
Just know that there are many people who understand where you are coming from. It's being in the crowd and feeling like the odd man out, but in reality you are the only one that notices the Emperor has no clothes.
Hang in there.

Remind yourself that your loving, joyful existence threatens their entire fear-based structure. Unless you crash and cuss them all out publicly, THEY are the ones who look like haters--even to a child.

Relax, buddy. Time is ON YOUR SIDE. The adults may be entrenched, but not the children. They can spot love and freedom and want both, especially teens.

There is no need to judge your or their performance. You did your best managing your emotions and I am sure they did theirs as well. This is just how its going to be going forward.

Each time, it will sting less.


Kathleen

Thank you all for your words and advice!

Wise words ^^^

My Jewish pop went to mass with us only one time. Even though I was small, I knew he did it to be a good sport. I vividly remember every detail of that hour--even to the fabric of his coat. For some reason it's one of my best memories of him.

Your attending this will be more meaningful to your son than you know, and increasingly so as time goes on.

Ex-Sis...........
WELL SAID !!!!!
Thank you !!! Good post

You have the right to feel however you feel, hurt, angry, sad... Of all days, grandma has to be the shoulders police? I would have come unhinged. She is your child.

She sounds like a daddy's girl. Spend time with her. Don't let them break her spirit or potential or intelligence. She will learn that the church is suffocating for females.

Usually random Mormons take off with any remaining food, unless someone is guarding it. Sorry you're having a tough day. Wear a bright shirt and no tie if you attend church tomorrow. My brother couldn't stomach the church thing and all his kids adored him. Two left the church, two stayed. You're a good dad. That speaks loudest of all. =)

Ex-Sis Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> You're a good dad. That speaks loudest of all. =)


^^^Yes you are!

((Hugs)) I hope as time goes by your family will see the cult for what it is and get out.

Sportsguy, you sound like a wonderful father.
When a little time goes by, the pain of this unfortunate event will slack off.

I just want to say that I also understand how you felt about the things that you went through. Your feelings are totally normal and reasonable. Don't ever let anyone tell you that you are not entitled to your own feelings. You can (and will be much better off if you learn to) simply ignore those people.

I think that your children (and your wife --- I hope that she is able to see this) are very fortunate to have you in their lives. Hang in there, keep on being kind and caring and standing strong in your own beliefs. Hard as it may seem, at times like this, those things will see you through to a happier life.

You were there for your child instead of being there for the church and its silly, unkind, un-family friendly rules. Kids are usually smart enough to discern the difference.

John the Baptist didn't have one.

My brother didn't have one, and neither did my father at the time they baptized family members in the font at church years ago.

I'm angry just thinking about it and can completely understand why sportsguy is upset. Especially a nosy relative discussing a daughter's attire. Busy bodies who probably work in the temple telling women they can't wear small pearl earrings. I was told that like I was a complete sinner for doing such a thing.

I'm sorry that the LDS church is so deceptive, devisive, and demeaning to people who don't deserve to be treated so poorly.
Judging is a high priority and LDS members love to judge. They learn it from the apostles.

A temple recommend to baptize? Wow. They sure know how to shake the money tree.

Thanks Liz, but it was three years ago when I was "permitted" to baptize another son, but could not confirm him because I did not have the recommend. I found it humiliating, but I dealt with it. The bishop at that time said it was in the handbook of instructions.

Sorry for your tough day. Hope tomorrow is better.

If we don't vent when the crazy cult gets to us, something happens. For me, I get a headache out of hell. The cult can make me so angry and so ready to march to my TBM kids' homes to pound some sense into their thick skulls.

I sympathize with you, too, sportsguy. There are many good reasons that we don't want our children entrapped in an evil cult. We shouldn't be required to list them all, with every post.

I was abused in the Mormon church, and my granddaughter's baptism triggered flashbacks, but I thought I controlled myself very well. I wore the perfect outfit, and had perfect manners. Everything was fine, until late that night, when I had a major anxiety attack--my first in three years. I was too sick to go to work the next day.

Some of us can handle it, and some can't. We have a right to own our feelings. I hope Annagrammy is right, and it will be easier, as time goes on.

The bottom line is that you--and I--did the right thing in supporting the child who is being baptized. An 8-year-old child does not understand Mormonism, and would not understand why someone would boycott it. The child would take it personally, if we weren't there.

I didn't give any gift, though.