A little about me...

I grew up on a farm in Utah County... BIC, mission, BYU, temple marriage (and divorced after we left tscc) but no kids and it was an amicable breakup. I've been living on the east coast for 5 years now. I go back to Utah in the summers to help my dad on the farm and hang out with my friends... a couple are TBM but for the most part they're either jack/ex Mormon. I also make friends easily.

Over the years my dad's health has sharply declined. I'm the only one in my family who has shown interest in the farm and to be honest, I really do love having a farm. I miss having land, growing crops, eating my own beef, and being with my parents (for the most part). It has now gotten to a point where they are trying to get me to move home. We used to have several farms but they were all sold into houses just before the housing crisis so my parents are loaded. His equipment is all new, he has dodge diesels with air-conditioned seats… it’s redneck luxury. They tell me if I move back to take the farm that they’ll buy me a house, give me the truck, and let me do whatever I want.

This is what makes me weary -

My Mormon family – I don’t have hard feelings about the church… I’ve pretty much left and don’t really care about it anymore. Distance has been my ally on this one – my parents from time to time ask if I go to church but surprisingly haven’t been pushy about it. I was in Utah last month for a week and didn’t wear my Jesus jammies. My family obviously noticed but never said anything to me about it. My mom asked me about it while we went to the airport and I just told her I don’t like wearing them all the time and we talked about other stuff. I was surprised that she didn’t give me troubles about it. My TBM sister asked my older sister and me if we were still Mormon. We said yes and then she asked if we were really Mormon and had a testimony of Joseph Smith. We both answered in the affirmative because we didn’t want to rock the boat. I think my family is pretty accepting of me… but you never know.

Contingent handouts – My sister left the church years ago and has needed help along the way. My parents would help her but she’d have to go to church and they’d have to know what all her debts were as well. However, they’ve never been like that with me because I’ve never needed their help and they know that I’m a responsible adult. My mom has even talked to me about money and asked for my opinions/thoughts. Although I don’t think they’ll be like that, I may need to clarify before I go. I probably won’t even accept the house if they do offer it… I like my independence.

Job hunting in Utah – I have a good amount of friends back home who are active/inactive/ex and my friends for the most part haven’t cared that I don’t go to church. They treat me the same. However, I wonder what kind of job I could get in Utah county. I work as an analyst but I wonder if I could get a job that pays me well and doesn’t have Mormon politics. I might wear my G’s to a job interview but once I get the job I don’t want to have pressure from church at work. I’m wondering what the dynamic is there. Also, I have long hair and I don’t want to have to have to cut it to get a job. I’m also a model on the side, have been featured in magazines, and I’m a hair model for a salon. I’m tall, attractive, and have long hair. It’s my money maker. But chances are if a prospective company wants me to cut my hair, they’re probably not the kind of company I would want to work for in the first place.

The Mormon culture in general – can I survive it? Will the bishopric come to my house and try to get me to go? Will they find me through my church records? Are the neighbors going to shun me if I don’t go to church? I do make friends very easily and get along with just about anyone but I’m wondering if the church will try to fellowship me back in.

My parents are getting old and I feel like it’s my responsibility to help take care of them as they get old. I have one other sibling in Utah but the others moved away. I do love having farmland and my dad would still be there to help so I wouldn’t be in it alone. He would do a lot of the tractor and we wouldn’t have to work in the winters. It isn’t sustainable living for me though. I’d have to have my career and a hobby farm on the side… It hurts a lot to see my dad not be able to do the only thing he’s ever wanted to do – farm. If I don’t move home he’ll probably rent out the land till it sells into developments in another 10-15 years but my parents wouldn’t have anyone to help/take care of them. That’s what really worries me.

On top of all that I started dating a girl in the fall and she became my girlfriend over the winter. She’s from the East and very weary of me moving home. She’s my first girlfriend since my divorce and I’m her first boyfriend in 4 years. We’ve talked about her coming to Utah to see if she’d like it but she’s worried that my parents won’t approve of her or that she’ll be unhappy there. She’s also worried that I’ll be wasting away my life in Utah and if I will be able to cope with the church while I’m there. The main thing is that we’ve only been dating for 10 months so it’s kinda hard to move for someone when you’re in a situation like that. It’s complicated to say the least.

I did live in Utah last winter for a month while my dad recovered from surgery. I worked remotely while taking care of the cattle. I had fun raging in Salt Lake with my friends and it was an enjoyable experience. I just wonder what work would be like there and if I’d have to deal with the Mormon agenda.

What do you all think? Could I make it work?

You'll never get the time with your dad again. If it's good relationship, enjoy it while you can.

Double lucky for you if you've got friends and can make more easily.

What kind of "analyst" are you? If you're in a conservative industry, conservative dress and haircuts are going to be a thing no matter where you are. Doesn't have anything to do with Mormonism. It's just how Republican Jesus wants you to look. Seems like lots of companies are setting up shop in Utah, so you can probably find one that's a good fit.

If you have genuine good relationships with family and friends beyond Mormonism, I say go for it. Being around the people you care about is priceless.

I worked for a very large retailing company for a year and realized very quickly that I didn't like the big corporate life. I got a different job for a much smaller but growing company where I had more freedom and a better work/life balance. I've been promoted several times and now spearhead all the analysis and reporting for the company/investors. I also created a non-profit for my company and manage that on the side. I have a very good relationship with the CEO and management.

If they'll put the house and the truck in your name solely, I'd say take the chance. Then you can enjoy your dad and what seems to be essentially 'hobby farming.'

You're going to be a different person the morning you wake up the day after the completely paid off house is recorded in your name only. Knowing that no one can take it away from you...

I'd do it under that condition. I know I'd feel obligated to stay as long as dad was alive, but after that, I'd only stay if I was lovin' it.

The one piece of advice I'd have for you is to be honest with your parents before you accept their offer and move to Utah. Tell them you no longer consider yourself Mormon, have no desire to go back, and will live your life according to your own beliefs and not according to the dictates of the Mormon church. If they know the truth of where you're at in life and still want you to come home, then go for it. Right now it sounds like everyone is dancing around the truth of whether or not you're a Mormon. Better to put everything on the line now instead of waiting until you get settled in Utah and everything blows up in your face.

When you're looking for a job look for a national organization and not some local, Mormon owned business. I work for the U.S. Army. One of my coworkers is our business analyst. He was an MP on his mission but has since left the church. He also has a farm he runs when he's not at work. As far as I can tell he hasn't had any problems. He just accepted a temporary promotion and is probably in line for the job if he wants it. My work place is greatly influenced by the military culture and the Mormon culture is secondary.

I'm a gay ex-Mormon, and I love living in Utah. The one concern I'd have for you is if you eventually decide you want kids. Other posters have experience raising kids in Utah. If it were me and I had kids I'd move somewhere else.

If you have a good relationship with your parents by all means go for it. I lost my Dad a couple of years ago. We always had a great relationship (even after I left the church and came out as gay). Even then, I'd give anything to have more time with my Dad.

I think Utah could use another good, strong ex-Mormon around. :-) I'm serious. But only you know if you are personally stronger than the mormon machine.

I'm exmo and love Utah. I seriously cant understand why the exmo community thinks iy is some kind of no go zone for exmos and nevermos.

The issue of aging parents is something that you will want to give a lot of thought to. You will want to come to an arrangement with your siblings. Even if your dad can help run the farm at present, the time will come when he is no longer able to do that. One or both parents might get very fragile, and this could last for many years.

Sometimes kids move back home, and sometimes parents move to be closer to one or more of their kids. My family chose the latter option for my mom. Just be aware that there is more than one solution to this issue.

I am concerned that the issue of religion with regard to your family is unresolved, and it might blow up on you. Your parents could put conditions on giving you a house, etc. At the same time, you have something valuable to offer them. You offer them the opportunity to keep their farming lifestyle going, and to care for them as they age.

Be honest with your parents about your lack of interest in Mormonism, and insist on being treated in a dignified manner in return. I would get this ironed out before you even consider moving.

My parents like having me around because I'm very handy and fix things around the house/farm. My mom always has a large to do list for me when I come home and I generally don't mind helping out. I enjoy fixing things anyways and I like knowing my parents are taken care of.

My parents have already looked into living arrangements when they get older. Money isn't a concern for them so they've already looked into assisted-living condos where they can still have their own privacy/independence but they will be somewhere where they can get help if needed.

I could see my mom lasting longer but my dad is 8 years older than her and has had a heart attack, 7 way bypass, another minor heart surgery, colon cancer, several broken ankles, a bad back, and diabetes. The biggest problem for my parents is that they eat processed junk all the time and don't eat well. It's a miracle that he's still alive today. However, if I move back I want to be there to help him with his dieting and possibly get him into yoga to improve his physical condition.

Even if your parents eventually go into assisted living, they might still need a lot of visits/oversight from you or a sibling. A friend of mine put her mom into assisted living, and then moved away. She still spends a fair amount of time flying in to deal with various health crises.

I spent a lot of time with my elderly mother in her final years. We lived together for the last ten years of her life. I treasure that time I had with her.

There are stories out there 180 degrees opposed to how it went for you.

I'm sure. :) All I can report is how it went for me. We were very different people. As my mom used to say, "I LOVE you, but I don't always LIKE you." lol



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/15/2015 05:27PM by summer.

When you're worried about several things at once, sort out the main issue. Religious pressure? Work? Family? Girlfriend? Hair? Social life? Long term consequences?

If you are seriously considering it, you should get the house, since you're helping out substantially (legally stipulated). Sort out the Mormon thing, that you no longer partake but appreciated the good things you learned. You're an adult, no need to attend church.

Depending on the job you land, you may have extra funds for time away frequently-weekends... Your girlfriend will not want to live with or next door to your parents. She might consider seeing you a few weekends a month at first.

Make sure in advance there is extra help available when your folks decline-part time in house help, medical...

It seems your first challenge is finding the right fit with a company you want to work for. Don't wear garments to the interview. You need to be accepted as is. If they ask about hair, tell them you are under a modeling contract not to cut it. Put it in a sleek pony for interviews.

You're an analyst, you can break this down. =)

I've actually thought about using the modeling contract. I am required to have a beard and long hair so I can always use that as my answer. I also can bring several magazines with pictures of me in them as proof. ;)

I have some issues with Utah, but all in all, I have a beautiful life here. There are plenty worse places to be.

I am a bit confused. Why would you need a job if you are going to run a lucrative farm?
You made it sound like your parents have a very lucrative farm going for them.
It seems like you could do analyst stuff from an office on the farm without having to go to any job interviews.

I would come clean with the parents though. You don't want to be lying to them (even by omission). It is too much like JS. Come clean and tell them about your not being in the CULT, but that you like the idea of being a farmer.

My question is do you think you'd be a good farmer? I think it is a very noble profession but I know that I could never do it because relying on the weather makes me nervous if I know that my finances are depending on the weather only. If you have other financial means (sounds like you might), I think I'd do it. Your parents sound like they want you to also.

Dad made the big bucks selling off land before the housing bubble burst.

I got the impression that it's down to hobby farming, not make a living farming. Dad doesn't need any new income stream.

Try thinking this just for a day or two....take this with a grain of salt, but:
forget about the farming, forget about the girlfriend, forget about the East Coast.
All things being lined up in a row, do you want to spend time loving you parents in their later years in person? Do you want to help them up close and personal or would you rather help from another state (financially or whatever you could do)?

If you really want to spend time with your parents (you may not want to which is OK too and you may not get a lot more chances). This is what you should think about right now. If you do decide to go be on the farm, the other things (job, girlfriend, etc.) will fall into place and work out. If you decide you don't want to, these things will still fall into place and work out. They will just work out differently that's all.

In spite of your religious differences, it sounds from your post that you do get along with your parents more than many Ex-Mos do. You are lucky that way and so are they. That's why I am thinking that you might want to really ask yourself about spending time with them getting your hands in the soil and growing things with them. There is something very honorable and makes one feel good about growing something for themselves from their own land. That's why I've always thought farming is a noble profession. I don't want you to think about all of these overwhelming things at once just for a few days... that might make your decision. Sometimes we make decisions harder than they need to be. This is a difficult decision, so take it component parts that that will help you to decide. I hope this has made sense.

Let us know.

My parents sold a bunch of land before the housing crisis. My dad just farms because that's the only thing he's ever wanted to do. Farming is more a labor of love than a lucrative endeavor. However, I've been looking into selling certified weed free alfalfa and that has better profit margins than what we currently do. I would do it mainly because it's something I love to do so I might as well do it right and make some money on the side.

Be honest about who you are and see what happens.

It sounds to me like your parents have enough money to take care of themselves. There are all kinds of assisted living that they could live independent but also be cared for without you being there all the time.

I suspect my parents made a similar deal like this with my brother. I think they're all regretting it, and they're all miserable. However, at this point they're all stuck in a situation they can't see a way out of.

I think brother found out the truth about mormonism. Parents know this, but have signed everything over to him. They now have nothing, and zero options. They're in their 90's and are pretty housebound. They could live another 10 years easily.

I don't know how old your parents are, i'm guessing 60ish. That may seem old to you, but they could easily live another 40 years or more. They could live those years in need of assisted care. This could be all of your adult earning years. Are you prepared for that?

I love Utah, having been around there's no place like it.....

It sounds like your heartstrings are tugging you back Utah way.

It's your home, where you grew up. So it doesn't only represent Mormondom to you, but your roots.

Heck, if someone were offering me land, maybe a house, and I already had friends and family there + the heartstrings? What would be stopping me?

If it's the girlfriend, well, the relationship will either grow or stagnate wherever you are. If you really want to be together, she'll make allowances for Utah. There's lots of non Mormons there these days, so you'd both fit.

The only other thing though is I dislike is your dishonesty with your parents. If they're gifting you the farm on the pretense you're still their TBM BIC son, and you let them believe this. You're basically defrauding them into giving you the farm.

If, on the other hand, they still accept you as you are and are still willing to leave it to you, and because you're the only son willing to assume that responsibility, then you've inherited it fairly and squarely. And your siblings won't be crying foul over any estate settlement.

I moved to Utah to take care of aged parents. I am openly exMo and have been "a project" for decades. That never changed, though there was usually a verbal cease fire regarding Mormonism. That worked out OK.

Now they have both passed away, and I can move anywhere I want to. I think about it some, but I will likely stay here. I have good friends here, some of the most spectacular scenery on the planet is within a ten hour drive, some of it within walking distance. And I don't let Mormons get to me.

If farming and the land is good for your soul, I'd say go for it. Yes, there will be irritations. There are irritations anywhere you live. It is the human condition.

My husband and I have worked at tech and marketing companies and there's a good mixture of people coming from all backgrounds and geographies moving into the area. These industries are exploding right now, especially near point of the mountain which is why we're moving from Orem to Lehi. I want to be surfing that wave before it gets too big. Utah County is changing for the better in that regard I think :)

My parents actually talked to me about finding a job around the point of the mountain. It seems to have really grown there lately. I even networked with some Adobe employees where I am this week and they told me all about the office in Lehi.

Everyone,

Thank you for your responses. Just to give you all an update I found out that my dad will be getting back surgery in several weeks. As soon as I found out, I sat down with my boss to discuss my future with the company. We both know that I do good work and that I've made a large impact within the company but he also understands that I need to be there for my family. He said he was in a similar situation with his dad years ago but was unable to help his dad because they didn't have the same skillset, which is why he is glad that I can be there for my family.

He also told me that I could take a month to work remotely while my dad has back surgery like I did last winter, which will make the transition much easier for me. We talked about me finding a new job in Utah, continuing to work for the company but as a remote contractor or employee, or a combination of both. We both felt that I should still have involvement with the non profit I created and he will bring this up with HR. We are looking at me being in Utah by spring next year. That really conversation took a huge load off my back and it makes me feel better knowing that my work has my back and that they'll be there to help me find the best solution.

Many of you have asked about getting the house/farm from my parents, what my siblings and I will do as they get old, and how I will be able to talk to my parents about religion. Before going to Utah several weeks ago I talked to my parents about the will and how it involves everyone in the family once my parents pass away. I then found out that my sister and I are the executors for the family will and will be the ones dividing the assets when that time comes. Rather than figuring out what to do with the will when my parents pass away, I suggested that we all sit down together to discuss who gets what so when the time comes, we will all know exactly what to do and it will go by smoothly. The discussion went very well by the way and although it hasn't been completely hammered out, we were able to have a good understanding of who gets what and what is fair for everyone. It still needs some work but it was a good start and very productive.

My parents both told me in a separate discussion that moving back would be a big sacrifice for me and that if I did come back to take over the farm, they can't expect me to receive the same amount of inheritance as my siblings. Several have gotten houses, free education, cars, etc while I put myself through school and have been independent. My parents acknowledged that it's unfair for me to not be rewarded for showing the most loyalty, hard work, and sacrifice to the family farm when I've never received anything in return and others have. We did understand, however, that we need to be cognizant of everyone's situations, why they were helped, and find a solution that is fair for everyone based on their circumstances.

We haven't come up with a solution to what I will receive for coming back but have discussed gifting me all the farm equipment over time and getting a house as an early inheritance. I've been thinking that depending on the total amount of years I work on the farm when I get home that I'll get a small percentage from the sale of the farm on top of my inheritance. The land will sell in 10-15 years in the millions so a small percentage of that would still be a very large amount of money. I think this is something that I will talk to both my parents and my sister who is the other executor, that way we have full transparency and can all decide on what will be a reasonable amount.

As for the church, my parents know that I don't go and that I don't wear garments anymore. Surprisingly they aren't very judgemental about it and they seem to not care as much as I thought. My mom talked to me this morning and made a joke that I had a hangover voice. I went to a baseball game last night so my voice was a little hoarse from screaming... but I did have a few drinks. ;) I asked my oldest sister about coming out to my parents and she strongly advised me against it. She said that all it did was bring pain and anguish into her life and she said that mom and dad know I don't go to church and that I drink but they at least like the fact that I don't give them a confirmation that I no longer believe. A jack mormon son is better than an ex mormon son.

My parents know that I'm a good, honest person and that they can't control me. They also know that I'm very grateful for my pioneer heritage and that I am in no way anti-mormon. I'm still deciding what I should say to them but I'm thinking that I want to make it clear that my loyalty and not my religious status will be the basis of my reward and that they will respect me as an adult the same way I respect them. My parents both come from part-member families and they aren't the most squeaky clean TBM's either. My parents go to church about 1/4 of the time because they're either sick or too lazy to go. Either way, I have several weeks (and your help) to figure this all out.

Thanks again for everyone's input.

It sounds like you are thinking things through and coming to reasonable decisions. My family had similar, very intimate conversations about inheritance issues in my mother's final year. Where there is love, tolerance, and an attitude of fairness, things can be worked out.

I lived in Utah county for 25 years as a non mo. Over the years the Mormons don't have the influence or power they used to have. There was a lot I enjoyed about Utah. I kind of made my own enjoyment. Spent time camping, fishing, visiting Park City. it is what you make of it

I lived in Utah County for....45 Years!! I've been finishing my career here in Kentucky. Talk about culture shock! But then, not really. I never bought in to Mormonism, just went along with it. I am having strong feelings about staying in KY instead of returning to Utah when I retire soon. I have a little house.. I can grow anything without watering it... Everything stays green all summer.. I live near a University, so cultural activities are around here, as well as redneck stuff. That's about right, as I'm a wanderer born of poor folks but intellectual in a way, and a progressive. Meh. I'll probably go back. But I'll never be the same.