I found a post on here from December 2014 from a girl who's boyfriend had said other women were more hot than her. I am really really struggling. I've been supposedly 'married' for 17 years. In 2002 I found something on our new computer. My husband lied and said it was just a pop up. He then admitted it was a deliberate search for porn. He then said it was a one time silly little thing and that he was not a monster, I shouldn't think of him in that way and to please move on. For the next 9 years I was highly suspicious....he was angry, moody, defensive and would become extremely volatile every time I brought up the 'one time silly little thing' saying it was all in my head and I had no redemption or forgiveness. I've also had a chronic illness for 17 years, but have had a mild dose and have worked and lead a life that isn't hugely restricted. We had a child during this time. My husband was so good at lying that I never put controls on the computer. Four years ago we had the same old argument, and all of a sudden during an angry outburst he changed his story to 'ok it was twice'. After 9 years the story changed?! I left with our child. For three days he continued to say twice. Then finally, he confessed he had been addicted to porn and or imagery for our whole entire 13 year marriage but that the computer had 'stopped' 3-4 years before confession. I was a mess. Lied to, cheated on and in deep deep shock and trauma. I had an emotional breakdown and could not look after our child. The stress and arguing completely relapsed my illness after I had been incredibly well and I also became extremely sick. I was shocked to discover this lust had not just been the computer and imagery, but also women out in public, at the gym, everywhere. He'd started the addiction age 12. I almost didn't come back to him. I shouldn't have. But I was frightened of being on my own with a child and don't currently work due to my health. I pleaded and begged with him to stop lusting. I have had weight issues but am now tiny and am considered to be pretty and gorgeous and whatever else. I take care of my appearance and look a lot younger than what I am. We tried counselling....didn't help. Made it worse. The counsellor just said I had to accept him lusting after women was part of who he was and I'd need to learn to live with it. That so what if he lusts....he comes home to me. I found that highly offensive. My husband continued with his lying. Saying he would never be enslaved by that stuff again. He lied and lied and lied that he was not lusting after women in public. Some well meaning friends have told us that all guys lust and if they say they're not they're lying. Two and a half years ago, I interrogated my husband. He had insisted he didn't need anyone asking him questions. He lied for two hours. Then it came out that yes, he was still lusting after women in public (though claimed it was infrequent?!) and said immature things such as 'women need to watch what they're wearing!" He said it was 'worse' in the summer with scantily dressed women everywhere. Meanwhile at home, our 'marriage' was still a war zone. He claimed he wasn't even tempted due to all the damage. He claimed I refused to believe he was not lusting after women and that it was all my problem that I needed to sort out myself. In February again, I confronted him with my concerns about lusting. Again, I got lied to for over a month. Then a gruelling night of him lying and lying and me questioning and then more confessions of lust. No more porn (apparently....I has no internet on his phone and only I have the computer password). And once again him claiming that it's infrequent. Once again, our whole home torn apart from lying and lusting. He says he is struggling with 'very beautiful women' even though he'd fed me a huge adamancy campaign how he had no interest in looking at them. When I asked why he insists on continuing this behaviour even though our whole marriage and home is in tatters, he claims it's because "Some women are just really beautiful!!" and that I just need to give him grace for this?! I can't explain in words how completely sick of this I am. Ever since I met him he's had this wandering eye thing. I know there are addictions, but that is not an excuse. It's either me or lust....he needs to make a choice. I simply cannot live like this anymore. I have been robbed of a husband for the sake of random strangers (and probably some of my friends who he's lusted after too). I made the foolish mistake of asking if he was lusting after women who are more beautiful than me. After lying for awhile, he admits that yes, they are more beautiful than me. I have nearly left many many times but am simply unable to care for my child on my own financially and physically. He now claims he has finally well and truly dealt with this issue and there is going to be no more lust. I....don't believe him.

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. They do have sex anon recovery groups for people who have loved ones with this addiction. Google sex anon recovery and see what you can find to help you. ((Hugs))

Throw the F*CKER out in the street. Get a job or whatever you need to do to make ends meet. GO on disability if necessary because of your illness. Get a roommate, anything but live with this asshat.

Dump the DICK today without waiting another minute.

You deserve more.

I'm confused. You are still with him? Find a way to leave and then get help. If not for you then for your child.

^ ^ ^ Agreed!

This one got me:

"Two and a half years ago, I interrogated my husband"

If you can't trust him, how are you ever going to be happy with him? All men have looked at porn online. In the Pompeii exhibit we visited this spring, they had a 'guard' at the entrance to the Pompeii porn room, to make sure only adults entered. Sex fascinates people with less than lethal inhibitions. TBMs have inhibitions that kill love and joy. No one else in the world thinks SHOULDERS are porn!

You're tiny and beautiful, so in theory you should have no problem replacing him. But if you find a man who never looks at another woman, he's gay, which just might work for you.

Reading between the lines, he's apparently taking care of you and your child. He doesn't beat you, he doesn't chase other women, he probably doesn't call you by another girl's name in bed, assuming you still are intimate. But he looks at porn. It's not a nice thing to say, but men with repressed wives often need that escape.

In my head "addiction" is present when the world a person lives either provides a pleasant escape, or requires some form of escape. Some people do it with drugs, some with sports, some with role playing games, and some with porn. But porn has been labeled SIN! But it's just a pass time, like golf, or heroin. (that's a first, putting those two together!!)

I suspect that the therapist whom you say told you 'that's who he is and you have to learn to live with it' didn't quite frame it in those terms. It's quite likely that there are thousands of women who would be overjoyed to have a husband like yours, even with the porn.

Of all the addictions in the world, he chose probably the cheapest. You know how much a good set of irons costs? And that's just the start!

TBMs put too much weight on porn, and on the natural reaction of a man's eyes lighting on a beautiful form. Yeah, it's the ol' Natural Man. Most RfM'ers are quite happy being Natural Men & Women. This is a very sad story you've told us, and I fear it's just the result of a TBM anti-porn fetish.

How you would feel about having your husband tell us his side of the story? I'd sure love to hear it.

It isn't often that I read stuff on RfM that makes me boil, but here's one such paragraph, elderolddog:

"TBMs put too much weight on porn, and on the natural reaction of a man's eyes lighting on a beautiful form. Yeah, it's the ol' Natural Man. Most RfM'ers are quite happy being Natural Men & Women. This is a very sad story you've told us, and I fear it's just the result of a TBM anti-porn fetish."

Wow! It seems you're trying to justify the same kind of mindset that energized Joseph Smith on his endless womanizing -- he was, after all, the ultimate "ol' Natural Man."

So, yeah, "Whenever a man's eyes light on a beautiful form," just have at it, whether it's gazing mindlessly at a computer or letting the eye wander (in real life) to anyone in a skirt and blouse! While wife stands by waiting for hubby to snap out of it and co-parent the baby.

Did you read the part about amoverit's husband sneaking around and lying to her for over 17 years? What her husband admitted under pressure is likely only part of the truth. Just like with horny Joe and other men for whom compulsive use of pornography, and stealthy womanizing, is the norm.

Is it possible that amovert's "anti-porn fetish" and "repression" stem from her deep-seated awareness that she's married to an immature and selfish horn dog?

You suggest that only TBMs object to obsession with porn. Nope. I'm as ExMo as they come, and scores of ExMos (male and female)
have had it with men who continue to objectify women, inside and outside this sad excuse for a church. Are Mormons repressed? No doubt. But that's actually another thread.

If amovert has concluded she'll never measure up to her horny husband's eye candy, she has an opportunity to outgrow him once and for all, and hopefully find someone more focused on activities that enhance family life.

We don't know if he has an obsession with porn. We only know for sure that she does.

Her friends told her that all men look. Were her friends wrong?

Look at the title of her post! This isn't just about porn. Not by a long shot.

It seems his obsession goes way beyond porn, but to any 'beautiful form,' on the screen or on the street, who is not his wife.

Who cares what amiverit's friends, or you, or I say. She's experiencing a form (or perhaps many forms) of betrayal. No one should feel compelled to stay in such a marriage.

Thanks :)

I agree with elderolddog 100%

there is a world of difference between horny joe's poon chasing antics, and a guy who looks at beautiful women with admiration - maybe even a little bit of lust

its the difference between shouting at the guy who cuts you up in traffic, and pulling a gun and shooting at him

I doubt that they are anything but a tiny, tiny fraction of a percent of men who have never looked at porn in one form or another, and I have a real problem with believing that 'porn addiction' is as big a problem as people say.

This isn't about how common or 'normal' you (and elderolddog) claim it is for men to oogle any beautiful woman that appears on screen or street (funny how it's the men defending this position).
We know that mindless oogling can (and does) lead to the next step, and the next.

Rather, it's about how this type of behavior doesn't support a healthy relationship with a woman who feels diminished and/or betrayed by it.

If amoverit's hopefully-soon-to-be-ex-husband wanted an endless menu of women to oogle, he shouldn't have married her in the first place....or kept sneaking and lying for 17 years.

This is an old story. Men really do have the capacity to grow up and evolve beyond the monkey mindset. Those who don't shouldn't wonder why their wives feel sad and insecure when their natural selves don't measure up to fake silicone or whatever media-hypnotized men are going for.

Perfectly said!! Thankyou!

Anon tonight Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> This isn't about how common or 'normal' you (and
> elderolddog) claim it is for men to oogle any
> beautiful woman that appears on screen or street
> (funny how it's the men defending this position).

Its the men 'defending this position' (if you want to call it that) because we know the common mindset of the average man. sometimes it's healthy to appreciate the other point of view in an argument.


> We know that mindless oogling can (and does) lead
> to the next step, and the next.

can it? well, I suppose it can.... just like (as per SWK) masturbation can lead to homosexuality and beastiality. that dpoeasnt mean that it 'always' does

>
> Rather, it's about how this type of behavior
> doesn't support a healthy relationship with a
> woman who feels diminished and/or betrayed by it.

I guess you have something there... even if the feeling of diminishment and betrayal is ultimately unjustified and way, way over the top



> If amoverit's hopefully-soon-to-be-ex-husband
> wanted an endless menu of women to oogle, he
> shouldn't have married her in the first
> place....or kept sneaking and lying for 17 years.

I get the feeling that, if my spouse had the same attitude as 'amoverit', I would develop defensive attitudes, too


as for the phrase "hopefully-soon-to-be-ex-husband"..... I recall an exchange attributed to Winston Churchill & Lady Astor:
Lady Astor said to Churchill, "If you were my husband, I'd poison your tea," to which he responded, "Madam, if you were my wife, I'd drink it!"

This lady is given you bad advice...and feeding your tendency toward being over-reactive.

"Rather, it's about how this type of behavior doesn't support a healthy relationship with a woman who feels diminished and/or betrayed by it."

Lady, she feels betrayed because she is over-reacting to a normal man.

"If amoverit's hopefully-soon-to-be-ex-husband wanted an endless menu of women to oogle, he shouldn't have married her in the first place....or kept sneaking and lying for 17 years."

You are so full of it.

"This is an old story. Men really do have the capacity to grow up and evolve beyond the monkey mindset. Those who don't shouldn't wonder why their wives feel sad and insecure when their natural selves don't measure up to fake silicone or whatever media-hypnotized men are going for."

Oh my god..."monkey mindset"? Are you for real? You are out of control. Lol. I feel sorry for you. If you are married, I guarantee you that your man looks at other women.

I'm very sorry for the pain you are experiencing and the affect it is having on your life. If all you got from your counselor was that you should "just accept it", then I think it was very incomplete and unprofessional counseling and that you should seek out help from a mental health professional who is qualified to provide some sort of actual treatment or therapy for this very serious situation.

I don't intend to diminish your pain in any way. It seems the main issue is an inability to control gawking at women in public, and a lack of respect for your reaction. Since this is an issue, he should be respectful. Most men look, but it is another thing to be obvious about it in front of their significant other...

It seems you both have a pattern of you questioning him until he blurts out something he knows will hurt you. Claiming other women are more beautiful than you is just mean, and intentional (sadistic). This seems to be more stress than you can possibly manage with your health issues and caring for a child.

Contact disability and begin the paperwork if you stay or leave. Since you are unable to work and you have a long term marriage, you will also receive court ordered spousal and child-support.

Life is too short to remain miserable. A competent therapist would have helped to work out a solution you both could accept. It seems like you are too angry and hurt to try a new therapist. Long term patterns are difficult to solve and sometimes it's better to be on your own. Believe in yourself. You are worthwhile and deserve happiness.

Thanks very much for your kindness and wisdom. Yes, you've got it right....the main issue is gawking at women in public. (as far as I know). All I'm asking is that he moves his eyeballs. Apparently these women are far too important to him for him to care for me in that way. He just keeps insisting that this time he'll stop!

Try an experiment for a few weeks. Act as if you could care less who he looks at. Put your shoulders back, walk with confidence. YOU are the best thing since sliced bread! Everyone thinks you're lovely, stunning. Wear bright color, lipstick, show a bit of cleavage, nonchalantly, as if you do that every day...

He will wonder why you're not monitoring his eyeballs. Hey! Men are checking YOU out! He should be grateful to be with YOU! Smile mysteriously. You have a secret. You are fantastic. You will be fine, with or without him. Do this at home also.

Try it (and still file disability, see an attorney).

Best wishes!

Thankyou!! That is the best reply ever! You are very wise....I'm going to do it. The temptation to be unfaithful in some way has been huge for me. This sounds brutal, but I even stopped wearing my wedding rings and eventually sold them. I just don't feel justified in walking around as if I'm his wife when he's behaved this way for so long....

The poster is advocating that you walk with confidence, not take an immature move and act as if you are single.

If you are not going to behave as a dedicated wife, why should your husband? How is that going to lead to a happy marriage?

RMM

Good thing I'm over the hill and about done with life...

Get him some dark glasses.

What I'm seeing here is that you're basically not compatible with one another. I do know women who have husbands who look at porn and it doesn't bother them at all. In fact, they might even sit down and look at it together. That's the sort of woman that he needs, because this obviously is his nature, if he's been this way since he was 12. Expecting him to change is unrealistic.

I've always said that if you must change someone in order for them to be acceptable to you, then you've got the wrong person.

No one would be happy in a marriage where they are constantly interrogated and not trusted. Of course that would make them feel defensive and angry all the time, because they'd be feeling guilty.

The fact that you have to do that means that it's not something that you can live with. There's nothing wrong with that. You just need a man that you can trust. So he's not at all right for you either.

Again, I just see this as a basic case of you not being compatible with one another.

Buy him a pair of binoculars as a leaving gift.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

I don't think men understand the depth of what it does to women when they ogle other women in front of us. Not only does it feel like infidelity, it's degrading and humiliating, especially when we receive looks of pity or superiority from those women, which happens pretty often. Everyone looks, but we also have plenty of hours in the day when we're not with our partners to do that. Any halfway decent human being refrains from doing so when they're out with their partner.

I was engaged to a guy who never looked around until I contracted an illness that caused me to have a minor weight gain (under 15 pounds) and take a financial hit that affected my ability to maintain the wardrobe, hair, nails, etc., that he was accustomed to. Suddenly he was turning his whole body around at the waist to ogle women everywhere we went, biting my head off within earshot of those women about what I was (or wasn't) wearing when one walked by in an outfit (and body) he liked. I can still remember the day I actually contemplated how I could end my life, after he made a remark. Some things can hurt more than a fist.

I got hit on constantly by other guys, but when the one you love is treating you like the ugly girl he got stuck with at the dance, that's the only opinion that matters.

He ended up walking out with one of them, of course, which was devastating at the time, but today, I wouldn't go back to that hell for anything.

I think it's unrealistic to expect him not to look (as long as that's all he's doing) when he's out by himself, and self-defeating for you to question him about it, but there's no way in hell you should have to put up with that when he's with you, nor should you have to put up with indifferent behavior toward you because he's spending so much time obsessing about other women. That's not a faithful partner. Don't allow him to tell you you're wrong to feel the way you do about his behavior.

I don't find porn that big of an issue. In fact I bought my husband two collectors editions of Playboy for Valentine's Day. I guesss I'm cut from a different mold, as I know my husband loves me and only me, and I am not threatened by pictures or images of another woman, nor even him looking at a real live beautiful person with admiration. (don't most of us do it with Hollywood stars?) Beautiful bodies are just that..beautiful...and yes, they can be stimulating...and in a marriage of 20+ years..I still like stimulation. He's not leaving me for one of them, but I get to enjoy and "fringe benefits" he gets from looking. (I also got him a book of 100 new sex positions...what fun to look and try!!)


What would cause a problem is if I would grill him or make him answer to me on what he does on the computer. He's my adult husband and not my seven year old son.

Red flags flew at me from all over in the orig. post. (sorry) Maybe it's a Mormon thing..but there seems to me wayyy too much negative emphasis put on the fact that he "looked at porn once". That fact was brought up YEARS LATER?? I think someone other than the husband has issues...If I was him, I think I'd be considering walking/running the other direction.

You nailed it. We don't know if he is obsessed with porn, but she surely is.

I'm so sorry this happened.

This isn't about porn and what "normal" guys do.

He's lied to you for years, cheated on you multiple times, and won't stop pursuing other women. That alone would be enough to destroy the marriage.

Here's the kicker, though: he's not only not sorry, he's not taking personal responsibility for any of his actions.

Instead, he claims it's the other women's fault because they're just so beautiful that he can't help himself. Therefore it's on you to forgive him and tolerate his behavior and if you don't, it's YOUR fault.

Get a non-Mormon therapist and visit him/her alone (not with your husband).

Do some research, identify a good lawyer based on reviews/recommendations, and schedule a free consultation (nearly all lawyers do them).

Even if you can't work, you should be able to get child support, alimony, and disability. There are a lot of resources to help displaced homemakers and single parents.

Do you want your child to grow up with this kind of relationship model? What you've described is NOT a healthy relationship nor a loving and stable environment for you and your child.

Good luck, be brave, and remember we are here to support you as you move forward.

icedtea Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> He's lied to you for years, cheated on you multiple times, and won't stop pursuing other women.

There is *nothing* in the OP's post about the husband cheating or pursuing other women.

He looks at other women on the street (most men do, he just needs to learn to be less obvious about it.)

He looks at porn.

That's it. He's not cheating, and he's not pursuing other women. At least not according to the OP's posts, and I think she would have mentioned that.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/14/2015 09:19AM by summer.

I think that ppl 'only' go to church (boring SM,SS,RS) because their reason for going is 'real' to them, like 'truly believing', or family pressure, etc.

IF the OP is going, chances are she's hearing TSCC STANDARD LINE against porn (e.g., that $ should be going to the church, etc.).

There's only so much a person can take in attending without being indoctrinated/ convinced; the way talks & lessons are presented almost guarantee it.

However, in a general sense, neither partner in an intimate relationship should do 'anything' that greatly offends the other...that's 'Common Courtesy', lying often goes along.

Relationships Aren't Easy!!! With the added pressure of LDS thinking their partner should be <just short of> Perfection, the Heat & Pressure are Greatly Increased.

"he needs to make a choice"

No he doesn't.

You do.

Lady, your husband is MARRIED, not DEAD. He's going to look at women. He just needs to be discreet about it (in public, on the street) so that he's not noticeably leering at them.

The Mormon church is extremely unrealistic and idiotic about porn (I am saying this as a nevermo.) Virtually all of the young men that I knew as a young woman (20's and 30's) looked at porn. Back in the pre-internet days that was magazines like Playboy, Penthouse, and Hustler. Generally they kept the magazines stashed away. These men went to college, developed good careers, got married, had kids, etc. That is to say, they've lived thoroughly normal, responsible lives. They were no more "addicted" to porn than you are to ice cream. If my girlfriends had used porn usage as a basis of eliminating potential husbands, I'm betting that few of them would be married with kids to this day.

When you are addicted to something, it takes over control of your life. With most men, this is not the case with porn. They have normal sex lives with their partners, normal social lives, go to work, watch TV and movies, play with their kids, walk the dog, putter around the house, play golf or fish, etc. If this sounds like your husband, he is FINE.

Are you seriously going to tell me that you have never found a movie star or singer to be hot, sexy, and desirable? Honey, that is what they are *selling* -- their appeal. There is nothing wrong with being attracted to someone who is not your spouse. The only harm comes when you act on it, and have a flirtation or affair.

I'm going to give your husband a pass on the lying because I think your ideas about porn (and his being attracted to other women) are totally unrealistic. Please re-evaluate your attitude before you throw (what seems to be) a perfectly good man away.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/14/2015 09:26AM by summer.

+1,000

Op, it seems to me that you may also have some issues yourself.

No, not because he looks at other women with you there. That is just him being a dick. But because you kept going back to the one point of his admitted porn use. You kept bringing it up for 9 years. Really? 9 years?

I know what it's like to live with someone who wants to control me, who questions everything I do. I get a text and it's "Who's that? Is it your girlfriend?" "No Dear, it's my mom." So to speak from your husbands point of view, I'm sure you've made life a bit of hell.

If you really don't trust him, and don't think you ever can. Then move on. My wife has been making comments to me about how I'm going to cheat on her and what not for 14 years. Guess what, she is the one who had online relationships with two guys, not me. Yet I have had to live like I am in prison with a warden who asks where I am, what I'm up to every two seconds. It's tiring and it's annoying.

Maybe you have personal issues with yourself. Maybe you've let the church tell you that you aren't good enough long enough to believe it. But what you are doing is exactly what the LDS church wants you to do. You are shaming him, questioning him, not trusting him. You are being his own personal "Big Brother" inside his home to "keep an eye on him."

Stop trying to control everything your husband does and worry about yourself. If him looking at porn is that big of an issue, leave.

I don't understand exactly why "lusting" is wrong. It does seem like there's a respect issue at hand, which a good counselor could help with. But no counselor is going to be in your corner and demand that a man not look at half the population. Perhaps he's disrespectful in other aspects of your life as well. But I know one thing. Policing another adult -- especially one who is supposed to be your partner in life -- sets up a negative-feedback power dynamic. Making these demands on him is going to continue backfiring on you. Forbidden fruit is the most tempting. You are creating the compulsion by making it so forbidden.

I don't see what's so wrong with men looking at women other than their wives. I do see what's wrong with wife telling husband that something hurts her, but he continues doing it anyway. That's just shitty. If he won't treat you with respect then THAT's your issue.

To be perfectly honest. If I were the OP's husband, I'd like to divorce her.

I only say that because the situation she finds herself in is very much a two sided story. She is heavily contributing to the problem.

You are over reacting, and have been for many years now. Why? Because you were a TBM and you are looking at your hub through he eyes of a deluded TBM. Lady, all men look at other women. Many men look at porn occasionally. It does not mean he doesn't love you. You will not find a man who does not gaze at other bikini-claden women occasionally. It's the way men are wired. Okay, gay men do not look at women. You need to get out of this mindset before it's too late. You've got a good man there, who has had incredible patience with you.

Sorry to hear of your illness and stress you have gone thru. Maybe related.

BUT....insecure, control bi*ch freak, was my first thought as I read OP.
" I never put controls on the computer."
" has no internet on his phone and only I have the computer password"
" I interrogated my husband"

Sure he is an idiot to be oogling other woman when you are with him. Does he start drooling and pooping a woody! or just a glance. None of us know this from just your post. Lot of beautiful---and shall I also say interesting people in this world. I like to just go somewhere and watch people sometimes. Doesn't mean I couldn't love my wife. (I'm widowed) She had the whole package that I came home to everynight and wasn't worried if there were "prettier" ladies in the world.

He confesses after you have "interrogated" him non-stop. He just wants your nagging to stop and confesses hoping it will end but you just keep after him year on end.

Therapist wasn't wrong in what he recommended. You just didn't like his answer. You can disagree with it, that's fine. Find a therapist that agrees with you then.

Greyfort is right. Your just not compatible types. You can't change him to what you want. He is what he is. (Maybe an insensitive pr*ck). You can't change either maybe. Find a guy that likes no agency of his own and likes to be told what to do and when to do it and then maybe you will be happy.

Um..I think you meant "popping a woody"...lol. I agree w/ you though.

mankosuki, You stated this perfectly!

OP you are controlling. I didn't see the part about how you have the password to the computer. (Because your first part was hard to read with no spacing.)

Are you fing kidding me? Is he your husband or your kid? You act VERY much like how my wife acted for MANY years. I almost left her because of it. Was it because of other women? No. Was it because I didn't love her? No. It was because she would also interrogate me. Questions non-stop. I felt like she didn't believe anything I said. And from what you admitted, you don't believe your husband.

My DW is very beautiful, but for some reason she likes to put herself down. Do you also put yourself down? Do you look at other women that think that they are more beautiful? From what you said, you made that statement, probably kept saying it until your husband agreed to get you to stop.

I would also like to hear from him. I feel bad for your husband as I have lived with someone who acts a lot like you. Lately she has changed some, but still it comes back from time to time. Of course my wife is still a UBER TBM. So she still buys what the church is selling, but you are on an exmormon site. So why do you?

This is one reason I left Mormonism. People are nucking futz.

I doubt your husband's comments have anything to do with physical beauty.

Do you want to know the ugliest thing in the world? It's a spouse who is supposed to love you and be kind to you, but distrusts you, complains at you, tries to control you and is unable to forgive minor transgressions from the past.

If you husband is fantasizing about other women, it's not because they are physically better looking. He's probably fantasizing about a woman who will be nice to him.

You are driving him to do exactly what you fear. Interrogating for hours?! Seriously!? Anyone of us would admit to lustful feelings after that!! I am female and don't have hang ups about porn- in fact I enjoy it. I love my husband and will never cheat- but I'm not dead! And neither is your husband. Advise- don't interrogate your next significant other. I bet if I cornered my husband reviewed his history for years on the computer put him under a spotlight and interrogated him about every thoughtin his brain he would admit to some thoughts is rather it know- as would I!!! Geez- don't police peoples thoughts!

I can't know what you are going through. It sounds like it has been tough for both of you. From what you say, your husband has a few issues to work through. Mostly the lying. He should either give up porn and the wandering eye or he should tell you he's not going to stop.

I have been married nearly 28 years. My wife is a head-turner wherever she goes. She wears her wedding ring and still has guys come onto her, from 20 years younger than her to 20 years older. I also have women check me out from time to time, but not as often. For the first 15 or so years of our marriage, my wife was constantly "interrogating" me about women I interacted with at work, at church, in public. I never looked at porn and I was very good at keeping my eyes away from the places that usually attract guys. But I did notice pretty faces. My wife was sure someday I was going to find someone I thought was more beautiful than she is and either leave her or want to leave her. There were a lot of late night arguments and things I'd rather not remember. One night I admitted I liked one of my female coworkers a lot and might be interested in her if I were not already married, but I still liked my wife the best. It took years and years to live that down.

I still think my wife is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. However, there have been times I didn't feel attracted to her because of our long history of jealousy and disputes. Other attractive women are sort of "blank slates" that we can imagine having whatever personality traits we want them to have. That makes them artificially attractive- until we get to know them and see they don't have the personalities we imagined.

After we left the church, my wife and I gave each other permission to be with other people as long as we didn't bring home any diseases, and as long as we were honest about it. But we never go with other people because we prefer each other. My wife is still the only person I have had relations with. In my experience, it's a lot nicer knowing my mate chooses me over everyone else, not because she feels guilty, but because she wants to. I think she feels the same way. She sure is a lot happier with our relationship now.

I don't know if any of this applies to you. If not, disregard.

If I were your husband, I would have divorced you long ago. Nobody wants to be controlled in this way.

You seem to hate him so much. It sounds like the only reason you keep him around is to hound him.

Do both of you a favor and get divorced.

Does he love you? I love my wife and I'll admit, in all honesty, there are more beautiful women in this world. All I have to do is look at a picture of Sophia Loren, Helen Mirren, Raquel Welch and I have to admit these are beautiful women close in age with my wife. Do I wish to be with them? Maybe in my mind, but I've got a history of fifty years with my wife and while it has not always been a smooth trip, it has been a journey well worth all that has happened. Is staying with him worth all that you are going through? Life is a journey we take upon our own pathway. No one shares the way we go. It is an individual journey. Sometimes we are lucky and find someone trudging along beside us and we take their hand go trudge on together. Sometimes we don't find that person and we never do, but life goes on and we keep on truck'n. I feel your pain and dismay. I don't know you and I'll not say that I'll pray for your comfort because, frankly, I don't really do well with the prayer stuff. I'll just hope that you will find peace.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/14/2015 10:43AM by michaelc1945.

Are you kidding? OP would have been left after the second time she "interrogated" me. Everyone looks at other people. My DW and I make a game out of it.

Get some help. You have a husband who puts up with a massive amount of your shit, and does not cheat on you, just looks at women. And you make his life hell because of it?

I am stunned by the stupidity of this post.

and raised as a prude. I married someone gay. You want to know what my life was like?

I have a boyfriend who appreciates a good looking woman. I'm 58 and certainly not the woman he knew when I was 20 and close to anorexic. I'm overweight now. I had to think twice when he told me he had bought a playboy when he was traveling for work.

Which did I want? Him--who desired women, or my ex who desired men? EVERYWHERE we went, he was looking at men and telling me. Everywhere we went, we'd end up meeting someone he had had sex with before. Even the bishop of the ward thought I was the hottest girl in the ward and obviously found me very attractive. My ex's gay friends couldn't figure out how HE got me. My self-esteem shriveled down to zero until my boyfriend came back into my life. When I'm with him I feel attractive, I feel comfortable in my own skin. He is shorter than I am and I don't even notice where my husband was the same height and I felt like an ogre. And my boyfriend notices all the hot chicks. I just don't care.

I used to think like you. My boyfriend thinks Jennifer Garner is hot and Angelina Jolie and several other famous women and he FOR SURE notices pretty women and women much younger than I am. i don't give a shit anymore. I doubt he looks at much porn s he has told me so, but I don't care anymore.

My ex looked at porn. Hell, I was at his "new place" once using his computer and found a tape of he and his boyfriend at the time marked XXX. I guess I should have watched it (NOT).

Sounds like you want a man who has no sexual desire or a gay man. Gay men do have pluses to live with--they are much cleaner than most straight men--MUCH, MUCH cleaner in terms of bathroom, just everything.

Your husband isn't having sex with these other women, is he? My ex was having sex with hundreds of men while "with" me.

I'll take a man who lusts after women any day. I've lived with the opposite.

I'll add that he feels he has to be dishonest because look at your reaction? Grilling him. Oh my hell. I actually think what is funny in my relationship is if I point out a hot man on the screen. My boyfriend gets very jealous and has to make comments. I find it hilarious. The more you pressure him about porn, the more likely he will be looking. When you have to hide something, live a double life, it becomes more addictive. My ex has much better control over having sex with hundreds of guys NOW that he doesn't have to live a double life.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 08/14/2015 11:06AM by cl2.

Personally, I don't have an issue with men watching porn.

I DO have an issue with dishonesty in relationships.

I do not understand how his porn watching is traumatic for you?
I do understand how chronic illness can make one incredibly sensitive and unable to cope with life.

Here is a cold hard fact that women need to get a grip on.

Most health men NEED a sexual outlet. A sexual being can not be left without affection. A deprived man will seek an outlet.

Also, sometimes lazy men seek outlets as well. It is far easier and convenient to watch Porn or flirt with other women than maintain a healthy relationship with your sexual partner.

One thing you did not mention is the status of your sex life with your husband? Not the details, but are you having regular sexual encounters with him?

Sadly, many women take their men watching Porn personally. They take it as a rejection and someone with poor self-esteem will wonder why is he not pursing me and keeping all his sexual outlet focused on me?

I don't understand how you worked on your physical appearance, but you were offended at the idea of your husband only lusting YOU? Don't you realize that you are rejecting your husbands needs so he is looking elsewhere to have that fulfilled?

You can not have it both ways. You can not turn OFF his sexuality. At this time, he has NO motivation to change or discontinue his lusting others, because he does not have anyone at HOME to engage sexually either.

MEN are not women. Men do not view sex the same way women do and you are viewing his actions by your standards.

You shared that you interrogated my husband. You are not his owner. You are not his Mother. That is the quickest way to build walls in a relationship. If you corner someone like that, they will either fight back or flee.

Did you want to get closer with your husband or just get him to obey your rules and expectations? He is a human being, not a dog to train. You try to control him.

So, your definition of lusting is watching other women and appreciating their bodies? Um, women are beautiful. If he cant look at your and appreciate you, he is going to notice other people. Again, you can not turn this off in ANY man.

As long as your husband is not making lewd comments, gestures or attempting to get physical with these "scantily clad" women he is just looking right?

How about instead of trying to change his habits, you focus on him being honest about them? People lie because they fear the consequences of the truth. If telling you the truth means interrogation for hours....ANY man would avoid telling you the truth.

There will always be beautiful women around you in the world. Your husband did not go blind once his wedding ring went on. He did not automatically become a non-sexual creature, only to flip the switch on when you are ok and ready to be with him intimately.

Your behavior is making you really unattractive. There is no incentive for him to look at you and think "Wow, I am a really lucky man". You know what most men say makes a woman beautiful? Her personality and self-esteem.

The more you try to control him and "Mother" him, the more he will just be a naughty little boy, instead of trying to build a loving relationship with you.

It takes TWO people to build a loving marriage. It takes TWO to break it down as well. This is not all his fault, nor is it all yours. If the two of you cant come to an agreement and realize that neither one of you will get EVERYTHING you want. Both of you will need to give something up to build something together.

Instead of waiting for him to make some changes...make some choices for yourself. If you can not live with his personality, then please do him and yourself a favor and let him go. You are staying for financial and child care reasons. So, start taking steps in your life to have your other needs met so you do not have to feel trapped and angry.

Work on building up your own life with your child and your own positive self esteem.

Again, there will always be other women that are thinner, prettier, sexier, richer, etc. That is just a fact of life.

A dedicated man will always see you as the most beautiful woman because he is drawn to love you and be with you. This will have nothing to do with your actual physical appearance. But as long as you keep pushing him away..he has no reason to draw close to you.

Change from another person NEVER comes because you demand it. It will happen if he truly wants to and see that it leads to a better life.

RMM

Just seen this in the Daily Mail

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-3196809/It-induces-addiction-makes-men-hopeless-bed-discover-porn-affect-BRAIN.html

It's interesting how some here are criticizing Amoverit over her "nagging" and control. You get that way when you are lied to repeatedly and there is no trust. Yes, if you are a straight heterosexual male, you are hard wired to be attracted to women. That's how evolution keeps the species going, but seriously if my wife acted like Amoverit's husband, I would dump her too. I expect my spouse to be intelligent enough to rise above her base instincts and not be an animal.

Yes, I do catch my wife looking at handsome and muscular men and I joke with her and ask her if I should order one for her. I do have low T and my wife is at her sexual peak right now and I know she can get frustrated with me, but I understand human psychology. She doesn't look at porn or go to girls clubs as it is mentally cheating, just like Amoverit's husband.

I work in IT and I have personally seen the fruits of porn as the employees bring their habit into the work place. I have personally been responsible for the termination of several employees as I have pulled firewall logs on the egregious violators. Several of those people had spouses working there too and they all ended in divorce.

There was one poor fellow in Software Development who's wife had an affair with my manager. She ended up pregnant and the kid didn't look like the Developer's kid. I never could muster the courage to tell him.

Porn is not good if you are in a relationship. You may as well cheat on your spouse when looking as it detracts from your spouse and start judging their looks. People get older and if you look at porn you start developing that taste for young women (no old women in porn) and the spouse starts becoming undesirable.

Those who are criticizing Amoverit are either engaged in the practice and defending themselves or do not understand human psychology as porn definitively detracts from the spouse, just look at studies done in Japan if you doubt me.

I personally think that Amoveri should find someone a little more compatable as you cannot change someone else, you can only change yourself. I also think people should lay off The criticism of Amoverit as she is dealing with a destructive personality with her husband and is emotionally charged being in the middle of the situation.

Of course, everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but first seek to understand, then seek to be understood.