I wish I could talk mine into it. But it isn't her thing but we both don't suffer from the delusion that better looking people than us exist. We haven't isolated our eyes in an attempt to save our marriage.
Edit: I would rather talk her out of Mormonism than into porn.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/14/2015 12:18PM by Elder Berry.
Getting caught- I have wondered if the reason Utah keeps topping the charts on porn viewing might be (in part) because mormon men have to keep killing the site every time they hear a board creak in the house or hear someone comming down the hall- The stakes are high for some men.
I'd hate it if my husband stopped me from looking at porn or reading erotica or romance novels...porn isn't his thing but he doesn't mind my, ahem, tendencies. I don't use it to replace him, though. That's where it can become an issue. And why do we pretend that romance novels aren't porn as much as visual porn is? Guaranteed, if your wife reads them she's imagining someone other than you.
But women's porn just usually comes in a different form. I haven't read the twilight series, but boy the mormon women around here went nuts over those books and movies (so did my gay ex).
I just love how it is a double standard between women and men.
Maybe it is a double standard in that way, but think of it this way as well: things women like are often considered silly or infantilized. Women themselves aren't expected to really have a sex drive or an active sexuality as much as men. With men, porn is considered "serious" and a big issue not only because men are assumed to be oversexed, but because women are already presumed to be basically asexual, faithful, childlike, etc. Romance novels are "silly" while porn is "what men do."
I don't think of romance novels as "silly" or "infantilized". The Twilight series, on the other hand..
It's a story for teens. It blew me away that so many adults were so into it. Was it just Mormons with their aversion to adult themes, or was it nonmo's too?
Humberto Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- > I don't think of romance novels as "silly" or > "infantilized". The Twilight series, on the other > hand.. > > It's a story for teens. It blew me away that so > many adults were so into it. Was it just Mormons > with their aversion to adult themes, or was it > nonmo's too?
It was big with nonmo's too. A group of women in their thirties/forties whom I worked with a few years ago were obsessed with it. The number of Twilight screen savers and wallpaper there were on computers around the place!
My ex and many others have told me that I must be deluded in saying that I was taught in mutual that women don't have a sex drive, but must service their husbands so they won't stray, and that men wouldn't get married if it weren't for their sex drive. (I was raised in the 1960s and 1970s.) We women needed to keep those men in line.
Me, I lived in absolutely horror of ever having to talk to a bishop about sex, so I toed the line. I just told my nonmo boyfriend that my first real exposure to sex was sitting in a room with a man in his 40s who was asking me about masturbation and I didn't have a clue what it was.
I must add that the attitude still persists. When I found out my gay ex was cheating, a "once" good friend who was a bishop at the time told me it was my fault, that I probably wasn't giving him enough sex. I have asked other gay men how much sex did a woman need to give my husband that he wouldn't stray with men? Well, duh.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/14/2015 05:00PM by cl2.
Women might typically read romance novels and watch soaps and romantic movies. It's fulfills the same need as porn.
Mormon woman must fantasize about church and being courted by priesthood elitists. What a yuck for me but this might fill a sexual need for them since sex is demonized for them from birth in their church training.
My Geezer is into videos. I'm pretty open minded about it and he knows he doesn't have to lie to me. I've checked out his watching history because I was curious about the themes he was choosing. I wanted to see if there was some aspect that I could make real, something I could do better on. I mean, like everyone probably who works and has a family we tend to stick sex at the end of long and stressful days. It gets repetitive. It's tired American working class boring half exhausted sex.
Ever see the video for "It's Business Time" by Flight of the Conchords? It gets like that, Not his fault or mine. It's just life.
Honestly I didn't find anything that didn't count as normal, although staged and somewhat overhyped, heterosexual stuff. He isn't into violence against women, nothing that brutalizes or demeans excessively. YES, they are demeaned by being objectified and filmed, but I'm talking excessively...covered in excrement, etc. That stuff is out there but the Geezer doesn't consume. Huzzah. Geezer is normal and visually stimulated. Wow. Big freaking dealio...not.
I am surprisingly un-jealous. There wasn't anything in there we don't usually do. Geezer is, as you can guess by his nickname, getting up there in years and I suspect that he watches to get/sustain his...ahem...rigidity.
Whatever the reason, it's nothing I consider dangerous to our relationship. He KNOWS that the only live person I will tolerate him getting freaky with is me. So no live streams or chats. If I find those he is in for consequences but so far I haven't seen any evidence. All in all I don't have the same vigorous reactions most women do about it. I trust him and I trust my instincts about him.
Single men lie about it too. I would know, I had to lie for over a decade to stay "under the radar" and "fit in."
Is looking at porn actually a bad thing though, even if you're in a relationship? People have different sexual needs... if the man needs more than the woman, would masturbation to porn not be a better alternative than, say, cheating?
oneinbillions Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- > if the man needs more > than the woman, would masturbation to porn not be > a better alternative than, say, cheating?
I don't know about my needs but it does help me with the cheating. I don't do it.
For the same reason we don't walk around naked. It is part of ourselves we are inclined to hide. White lies can be more ego preserving for others than the ones we tell about ourselves.
why be married? Why put yourself in that position? Yes, both Hubby and I have done dumbshit things BUT we have each other as backup so we don't do BIG dumbshit things. Sometimes we ask others who we know have a better perspective about certain issues what their opinion is. I would never spend a chunk of money without discussing it with the old man. He trusts me to handle money responsibly and doesn't even look at what I spend. Hell, he doesn't know some of the passwords but he knows all he has to do is ask. It's my job to keep track of things like that. Main thing, we TALK and relate as equals. How is keeping the password to the computer any different than not letting your spouse have access to the bank accounts????? Why is "interrogating", let alone for HOURS acceptable between two adults? About ten minutes into something like that we would ask the other what the hell was wrong with us. Bringing up something from YEARS in the past, same thing. If one is hiding and sneaking there are much bigger issues in the marriage PERIOD. And uh, how do you think a husband would feel knowing his wife only stayed with him for money? My hubby travels a lot for work, I had a neighbor with a pilot husband that was also gone a lot. One day while bemoaning our collective fate I was shocked speechless when she said she didn't care if he ever came home as long as his check went in the automatic deposit! Life is too damn short to be with someone you don't love. Life is HARD. Why do it with anyone except someone you love and trust?
And let me tell you folks, as you get older having your spouse look at porn goes way way WAY down the list. Things like retirement costs, healthcare, who will make decisions for you if you can't are a hell of a lot more important. You can trust them being the one to make the decision to pull the plug but you can't trust them with a computer password??????
By the way, if either party in a relationship is being interrogated for hours, there is likely other emotional abuse and somebody or both bodies are definitely codependent.
I wasn't married for but a month when I found out hubs was looking at porn. I was shocked and hurt that I wasn't enough. The worst part was the way he was hiding it...didn't want to talk about it. It just seemed so immature and now I was feeling like his second mother because of his behavior. And that's when he became less attractive to me. Who wants to be a mommy to their husband?
In the interest of credibility, what's with the comments about women's lesser sex drive being a result of what they're taught in church?
It is a biological fact that on average, women have less sex drive. It is called testosterone, and a different brain.
And it isn't just due to church. I hear nevermo guys at work talk about not getting any. One guy is only 24, and his wife refuses. Another guy is older and with wife entering menopause, he's out of luck. Same with me, and we've been out of the church for 20 years.
Do you really think if the women were really horny, they'd avoid sex just because of what is taught in church? That's as dumb as saying gays learned to be gay!
No...it is not a "biological fact" (not a GENERAL biological fact, anyway)...it is a CULTURAL fact.
Outside of Mormonism (and groups which in this sense are similar to Mormonism), women are frequently significantly and happily sexual throughout their lives. (Polynesians, Brazilians, Scandinavians, in the creative industries, etc.).
If, in Mormon females, this relative disinterest in sex is due to decreased (or imbalanced) production of hormones, it means that cultural mores and taboos have impacted hormonal physiological production (which probably could be, and maybe has been, shown by blood tests starting pre-puberty, going through puberty, and then through the rest of the lifetimes of these women).
In cultures which tend to be pro-sex, both genders tend to have similar (if not exactly equal) sex drives...
...and, in any culture, there are always women who have, comparatively, higher sexual drives than most of the men they associate with.
Facts which may be true for a specific sub-group (in this instance, Mormons, or other very highly-controlled religious people) cannot be extrapolated to then draw conclusions for a gender as a whole.
Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 08/15/2015 06:08PM by tevai.
While attending UVU in Orem Utah I'd often spend Sunday afternoons in the Starbucks at Barnes n Noble studying or reading. My buddy and I would watch one white shirt n tie wearing tbm after anther walk over to the magazine rack with a newspaper or Rolling Stone in hand and slip a Maxim or SI swimsuit edition or some other "dirty" magazine into the pages of the newspaper or larger magazine. They would then disappear into the store somewhere look at it. Such a weird, repressed thing to do. Only in Utah!