I am newly married and feeling guilty because I've had sex. The 'your marriage can only ever be second best/you can't ever be anyone's one and only' messages keep running thru my head from my years at church.

Anyone deal with this and how did you make yourself forget about it or rethink it?

This is a HUGE club that the church uses to pound in the brains of its members.

It's THEIR issue, not yours. They can think and say what they want, but that doesn't make them right. They use this weapon to manipulate and control members for their entire life. You are no exception.

Do your homework. Learn what the mormon church is all about. ONce you know that, you will realize that you are normal, and they are abusive. Your sex life is NONE, and I repeat: NONE of their business. It never was, and never will be. They love to heap unearned guilt onto people so they can control them. The control is all about getting your money. You see, guilt leads to repentance. That leads to paying your tithing so you can go to the temple. If you don't feel guilty, you don't pay.

They are using your completely normal human feelings and emotions against you. They are flat out evil.

Treasure your past experiences. Learn from them. Put the good memories in your life story of love and passion. Don't let those old buzzards steal your soul or your money and sanity.

madalice Wrote:
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> Treasure your past experiences. Learn from them.
> Put the good memories in your life story of love
> and passion. Don't let those old buzzards steal
> your soul or your money and sanity.

+1,000,000,000!!!!!!!!!

I felt that way a little. Part of what helped me was that my husband was truly accepting. Ultimately, I really came to own my body and my choices. There is really no perfectly ideal relationship. People who marry as virgins often end up feeling regret that they didn't have more experience. People who don't feel guilty. You didn't kill anyone. You had healthy, normal life experience. (I'm assuming you're talking about consensual/non-abusive sex.) Embrace that as part of your life experience, and move forward making whatever choices are right for you now. Wracking yourself with guilt will only cause problems and take away from what should be a happy, loving time in your life.

You will have to take the time to work it out in your own mind, but seriously -- don't waste this precious time feeling bad about feeling good.

This "one and only" stuff is total crap. I know a lot of excellent marriages where neither spouse was a virgin. I know a couple who've been married 32 years now, who are still deeply in love and deeply into each other, who have a marriage others idolize, yet it's the third marriage for both of them. Clearly, their genitals had been around the block a few times. So what? Virginity isn't even on the list of things that are necessary for a great marriage. It's about the relationship, the connection, the support, the caring, not about whether you've had sex before. Virginity is important for insecure people. They don't want to be compared with anyone else. Because, you know, ignorance is bliss, right? "One and only?" What matters is that one's partner is the one and only one they want to be with. "Honey, I've tried others, but I chose you."

^this^

Wow, I couldn't put it better than madalice did. Perfect answer.

If you've been honest with your spouse, you shouldn't feel guilty. I'm also newly married. Both my wife and I had other sexual partners before marriage. It just doesn't make any difference to us. In fact, I'm glad neither of us were virgins.

You are worth more than virginity. You are a wonderful, smart, beautiful person who is worthy of love and respect.

Sex is a biological need. We all do it or want to do it. Having sex doesn't make anyone a terrible person.

In fact, morality and sex are two different things.

I'd suggest seeing a therapist about this.

I have been married for a very long time and have NEVER regretted the sex I had before.

All experiences make you a deeper broader person with more understanding. That brings with it a deeper capacity for love and empathy. Who you are now is better because of everything you are, everything you have experienced. Do not attempt to edit. Rationalize nothing. Especially do not edit and categorize your life according to the dictates of a cult. Celebrate all of your knowledge.

There is no such thing as a licked cupcake, except for, a real cup cake with real frosting, that someone has actually licked.

When my nevermo husband and I were dating we had that discussion at some point. I was a virginal BYU graduate, but he had had someone in college. He NEVER said her name or spoke a word about her beyond that ever again.

I was surprisingly okay with it. I didn't feel like there was anything to forgive.

This man's perspective:

A varied sexual history, and a healthy sexual appetite, is not a negative. It's not even a neutral. It's a strong positive.

Instead of being ashamed of your past, you should be celebrating it.

As should your newly minted husband.

It's an indicator that your future mutual sex life is going to be enjoyable and healthy and exciting.



Once again, the mormon church is able to turn something beautiful and worthy of celebration into something ugly and shameful.

And like others have said, the primary motive behind their dysfunctionalizing of healthy human sexuality is to make sure their money coffers continue to be filled.

Disgusting.

I'd bet real money your husband doesn't care.
Not one bit.

What you offer to him is love, affection, caring, a shared life, and enjoyable intimacy.
None of those things require you to be a virgin.
The last one is much better if you *aren't* a virgin, and know what you're doing.

I know the church drilled this stuff into your head. I know it's hard to get it out of there.
But just ask your husband if he cares. When he says no, try to let it go.

Totally agree. I am happy to be married to the a very awesome woman. The fact that she was a "licked cupcake" is nothing more than cult mind control.

I am very proud to have her as my wife. I am just glad she is with me now (17 years and counting).



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/25/2015 07:08PM by darkshadow.

My husband wasn't a virgin when he and I married- but I was. I hope he's never felt guilty about it because I've never really cared. I've envied his experiences tho... You can't win either way;)

Don't think too much about it. This is such a fun time in your marriage!

Im so sorry you are so hung up on sex instead of getting on with

your life and enjoying it. I hope you can get over it and move

on.

JS said that anyone who did adultery could never make it to the Celestial Kingdom. Brigham young (who was a little more tolerant, and forgiving if you really look carefully at his writings and life) said, "we have many of the damndest scoundrals on earth right here in mormondum, and I'll see to it that they all get their exaltation if they remain faithful and obey."

BY doctrine usually has more actual sway than anything JS said. So take your pick what you want to believe.

There is useful guilt and guilt that is not useful. Useful guilt compels you to either avoid repeating a similar activity or to make right a mistake. Guilt that is not useful just drags you down.

One important thing to remember -- sex is just sex. It is not nearly the big deal that the Mormon church makes it out to be. So fretting about your partner not being your one and only falls under guilt that is not useful.

Superfluous guilt will fade in time. Don't worry about it.

I was a virgin when I married the ex-TBM in Church Inc.

You know what the saddest thing was to realize after we got married? The thing that made me more "valuable" to him was gone.

He was not a virgin and I didn't care, but when my status changed, so did HE. Our sex life was a constant issue.

A-I had NO clue what I was doing.
B-Neither did HE.

We tried books, (but of course more appropriate ones were not going to actually HELP). I got out the big guns and actually purchased "The Joy of Sex" with ILLUSTRATED pictures.

OMG, you would have thought I decided to become a Porn Star. I tried to convince my husband that we were married, and part of being married was not just pro-creating but physically ENJOYING one another.

So, we experimented and for a short while had a GREAT sex life. Then his guilt started creeping in about it. We ONLY had sex with each other...and I had no clue why it was such an issue for him.

I was raised in a very open environment. Once I became Mormon, I wanted to wait until my wedding night. It was by sheer luck, as there were a few times I almost gave in with a bf before Mormonism. *I WISH I HAD!!!*

My ex was raised in a Non Mormon, but very sexually repressed home. His parents slept in separate beds. His friends got him drunk to lose his virginity to a hooker. (Yes, I knew this before we married and I did not care. I loved him)

Yet, because of my husbands issues-he could never be totally free with intimacy. It was one of the most soul-deteriorating times of my life. Nothing makes a woman feel more ugly than her partner refusing her sexually because it makes him feel bad.

Do not dare beat yourself up for your previous experience. It does not devalue you or make you less than.

That was your past, not your present.

You loved someone else once. It does not make you less to give your husband.

There is nothing to be forgiven. Your sexuality is now between you and your husband. True intimacy is beyond bodies.

If you really want to watch your bonds get closer-tell him how you feel and I hope he listens to your insecurities and draws you and reminds you he values you for SO MUCH more than that:)

RMM