Hi, fellow posters. In course of conversation, DH admitted his email address was on Ashley M site. He claims nothing has happened, etc.

Our conversation centered around the idea that I trust him, so no big deal. He doesn't seem to recall when he signed up. Just says he was curious at the time, but now can't remember why.

Curiosity does weird things to people. My curiosity led to recent indications of a hookup that seems not to have been fulfilled. However, the timeline would have been rather convenient for DH if he attempted other times with more "luck."

I asked for honesty last night. He didn't mention this exchange (photos included). I am shaking all over and feel sick to my stomach.

In these moments, common sense goes out the window. Please RFM wise ones...thoughts and comments on what's next?

1. Ask him "why?..."
2. Ask him if he enjoyed it.....

Way to be insensitive!
Ask if he enjoyed it??? What the hell is wrong with you?

1. I have a sense of humor.
2. Often the way to get a truthful answer is to ask a question so worded. I know. I have broken many a story in court.

I've sought out and looked at at some pretty raunchy stuff online TRULY out of curiosity. My husband would be surprised I imagine. Haven't gone so far as to register or pay for anything, but I DID look. My curiosity was satisfied and that was the end of it. Lot of wild stuff goin on out there in the world, I can tell you that!

It sounds like you kept your cool. That's good.
I totally understand the fear factor. My husband gave me a scare once, and fortunately for me, it REALLY was nothing. But I think we should NEVER take our relationships for granted.

I'm so sorry you are facing possible infidelity on the part of your husband. I've been where you are and it is awful.

My husband has been unfaithful many times during our marriage - strippers, escorts, prostitutes, massage parlors. He has never ONCE admitted to anything based on an accusation alone but only AFTER I've shown him undeniable proof of his infidelity. Even with proof in hand, he has always lied for awhile before finally admitting to anything - but never everything. It's been a series of lies, more lies and even more lies.

I've stayed because we have several children to raise. In a few years, once my youngest child is an adult, I may decide to move forward with a divorce.

It is very difficult to remain married to someone who lies and cheats. The only way I've been able to survive emotionally is by no longer caring what my husband does. I tolerate his existance but he has not been my lover for many years now.

My advice is to consider getting out of the marriage sooner rather than later. You deserve to be loved and cherished. This is something I wish I'd known much earlier in my life.

Your common sense did not go right out the window. It is right where it should be. You should be feeling the way you feel. It would be wrong not to be shaken to the core.

There is a difference between looking at a few things online that spark your sexuality and actually signing up to a cheating site. Betrayal hovers over a fine line some times.

"I didn't inhale." Sound familiar?

You are left with doubts--of course, because, again--your common sense is in tact. Don't over react, but don't let anyone tell you that you are over reacting either. Don't let anyone tell you that you are just being jealous or insecure. This is a serious issue and you need time--you both need time--to take the measures to bond again, to get to the honesty, and put each other first. Unify.

And when I say time----I mean a lot of time. You are going to have a lot of things triggering your feelings for a long time.

By far, blue, the best advice yet.

Agree with you 100%.

I might add, as a corollary, if the OP decides to divorce, or not divorce, it is her prerogative, and hers alone. She needs to decide what works best for her, both in the short term, and the long term, and act accordingly.

And finally: Where there's smoke, there's fire (sometimes lots and lots of fire).

Bill surely lied about some things but not the "not inhaling". He was a cigar smoker, not a cigarette smoker. Though I once tried a cigarette, I did not inhale. Nor did I inhale a cigar. And I never tried pot. But if Bill had inhaled, he might have smoked pot on other occasions. Funny, when he told the truth he was not believed.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/25/2015 01:49PM by rhgc.

Thanks for the input so far. My fear at the moment is the inability I apparently had to tell that DH wasn't giving me the whole truth last night.

How can I discuss this and have any surety that we have identified all the potential fires, as Schlock referenced?

My schedule leaves a beautiful opening for someone inclined to cheat. I feel like a fool.

DH is my best friend, so where does that leave me? Coming to you guys for a listening ear. Please, continue any advice. Has marriage counseling helped?

I'm so very sorry. I understand the visceral shock that you're going through right now. Everything that you've known, or thought you knew, is upside down.

Grief takes time to resolve, and something of this magnitude will certainly take you a long time to resolve. Don't make any rash decisions. And like blue says above, don't let others tell you how you should feel / behave / react.

Best friends sometimes betray. Even if they're also our lovers.

A new life has been slammed onto your lap - without your permission. Spend some introspective alone time to decide how you're going to deal. If you stay, stay for you. If you leave, leave for you.

And finally, cheaters are notorious liars, and narcissists. Even if that state is only transitional, and they're not normally taken to behaving that way. While they are cheating, they don't give two fucks about anyone but themselves. They are completely consumed with their own wants. Your husband is not concerned with your emotional state, even if he says otherwise. All he's concerned with is minimizing the fallout from his behavior. He has no idea, nor frankly does he care, that he's just dropped an emotional atomic bomb in your soul and your psyche.

DO NOT BELIEVE ANYTHING HE TELLS YOU, OR PROMISES YOU. HISTORY WITH OTHER CHEATER'S MOST ASSUREDLY WOULD INDICATE THAT HE'S LYING, ESPECIALLY DURING THE FIRST FEW MONTHS OF BEING CAUGHT. (Unless and until he's gone through some serious introspection and professional counseling of his own.)

E-hugs. Again, I'm so sorry you're going through this hell.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/25/2015 01:19PM by schlock.

Please don't beat yourself up over the possibility of your husband pulling a fast one on you. Honest, faithful people trust in a relationship - this is a good thing. You are not a fool - you were rightfully trusting of your spouse. Unfortunately, people who are inclined to cheat take advantage of this trust.

Perhaps your husband didn't follow through with physically cheating. Maybe he was just bored or being curious but really does love you. Do your best to not become obsessed with trying to ferret out the truth of the past and instead move forward with your eyes and ears open. If your husband is fooling around, it will leak out somehow, somewhere.

My first TBM wife cheated on me. When I started suspecting something was going on, I confronted her. She would look me straight in the eye and adamantly deny. Later I caught her again red-handed. Listen, I know how you feel. You've been betrayed, and this will leave you devastated for awhile. What you have been working for and what you thought was real has now been yanked from underneath you. You are stronger than you think you are. You will get through this. Live when times are good..learn when times are bad. This will pass. Probably part of your frustration is that you have no light at the end of the tunnel for closure. He may not have done anything, but you don't know what to believe. Chances are there is some evidence, somewhere, where you can connect the dots, and find closure in confronting him again. You guys should get into some immediate non-LDS counseling.

I would ask first of all did he pay to join or did he just "sign up" so he could see what the site was all about?

I did that once years ago just to see what the site was like, I never paid to join so I effectively couldn't do anything even had I wanted to. If he paid to join he was likely more than just slightly curious.

But even then it doesn't mean he cheated. I have been tempted before to cheat, most people have been. He may have been tempted enough to take some initial steps but then never followed through.

Also from what I have read about the AM site, its 5-1 men to women so actually hooking up is pretty rare there. The fact that he was on that site certainly isn't iron clad proof he did anything other than check the site out. But you clearly need to open up some better communication about your relationship.

I agree about the AM stuff. More urgently, I found an attempted hook up through a local website, not very long ago. The girl showed him her birthday suit pictures. He was arranging where to meet, then possibly backed away from the deal. That's all I know at the moment. If there are others, I may never know.

We recently watched a movie where a wise old lady said to a woman who had just discovered her husband's infidelity:

"Honey, my granny told me long ago that there are three things in this life that don't exist:
- a floor that will stay clean;
- a baby that will stay dry;
- a man that will stay faithful."

"Honey, my granny told me long ago that there are three things in this life that don't exist:
- a floor that will stay clean;
- a baby that will stay dry;
- a man that will stay faithful."

Well, that lady never met me.

Thanks again for all your thoughts. I have to check out and carry on with work, kids, etc. This conversation with DH may be delayed a couple of days, due to a "family" event.

I'm open to anything else you've got!!

Your marriage is in serious trouble. in these situations we go into survival mode. Because of this, we are often willing to pull a Ms.Duggar: immediately dismiss and forgive, if only to give us time to think, by then its too late and the behaviour has been accepted.

2 things:

1) making a mistake, like loosing your keys, is one thing, we all do it, and it make determine how smart someone is. Making a choice is different, it shows what is in your husbands heart, his real desires and what he would if if he could or can get away with it. YOU NEED to discuss this. This was not a got drunk and a woman groped me and I left the hotel, sorry it was a huge mistake. This was a "I looked FOR this and pushed beyond my apprehension and started a profile with my credit card and had chance to tell you about it every day since but I have CHOSEN not to". Mistakes and choices: not the same.Your husband is not satisfied in your marriage. People don't start at Ashlie Madison, they end up there. There are usually massage parlors, escorts, backpage....at least. Have him come clean, not just say he is really sorry and it wont happen ever gain, it will.

2) the fact that he is not satisfied is not your fault. If he dont like home cooking he needs to help cook or say something. Men have a higher sex drive and mormon women are taught (or not taught) terrible things about sex. Men cheat, that does not make it ok. there is a root cause that needs to be explored in therapy in order to "save" the marriage.


You have to be ready to be honest and be willing to have all cards on the table. Please be open minded but do not let him victimize you any further.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 08/25/2015 02:14PM by sb.

Ironically, we talk frequently about our relationship, sex included. My best guess at the moment is this goes back to the TBM to exmo transition. We are both out. He sometimes expresses regret that he never played around before marriage. I was admittedly your naive young woman, never even took sex ed!

I have come a long way from the beginning. Our intimacy may be standard a majority of the time. But we are intimate nearly every day, even trying to help him when I am unavailable. I know he's frustrated with my lack of horny behavior. We talk all the time about how to spice things up. Guess I am not "doing it" for him.

I certainly don't want to head down a road of mistrust. I have seen that in dear friends' lives, and had believed I was doing ok in comparison.

The frequency has nothing to do with you.Sounds like you are doing your best.

Some people are just never satisfied and some are not compatible.

were you married young? (typical mormon)

Recent research suggest that men are trying to regain power, or virility or youth and that extramarital affairs have little to do with sex.

Mormonism pushes people to marry too young and give little or no preparation.

I dont want to sound harsh at all when I say this, so please bear with me:

As time passes and the initial shock wears off, you have to realize that 505 of marriages fail. If you married a dud or someone incompatible please understand that mormonism has programmed you to think that divorce will ruin your life and that of your children, this is not true. I got divorced after 19 years and all of our loves are better. We get along, we never fought, no custody battle, no lawyers, the kids are great and life goes on. We are good friends and talk almost everyday.

We only go around once, be with someone who will treasure you, thrill you and with whom life will seem like a battle just to be together. If your Hubs will not meet the requirements you are not to be a martyr and suffer for the rest of your life in order to accommodate his lack of character, his sexual drive, his inability to mature into a functioning adult or the fact that you are maybe ok for each other with a lot of work, but not great.

be brave and clear headed. Take your time and do not give compromise. I disagree with the poster above, we don't betray friends. Your spouse should have come to you long agoe with this issue. Getting caught does not make some one honest.

Please don't do that.

He didn't cheat because you don't (fill in the blank).

He cheated because he chose to cheat, as sb says above.

There's lots of avenues available to resolve disparate sexual appetites. Cheating should never be one of those avenues. Period.

It's well within the realm of possibility that he loves you, but that he loves himself more than he loves you.

The notion of loving someone more than you love yourself is not instinctual; you have to watch a lot of John Wayne movies and listen to a lot of Johnny Mathis songs.

When he's with you, the social construct that you are his mate and that he needs to 'do well' by you is fine by him. He may adopt the behavior that he believes you, and the rest of the world, would approve of. But when you are out of sight, he also puts you out of mind.

Hopefully the fact that he lies about it means cares about you, but it just could be that he doesn't want to face judgment. But for sure, he doesn't care enough about you to give up pleasing himself.

That's one Lamanite's opinion.

If you are going to try to work it out, counseling is imperative. Get a good one and if you feel like it isn't helping, get another one. Like all professions, there are plenty of mediocre therapists out there, but the good ones are gold.

People who try to work this out for themselves often fall into this trap: The betrayer feels awful, begs forgiveness, but plays it all down. It seems sincere.

Then, out of nowhere after a very SHORT time has gone by, the tables are turned. Betrayer says to betrayed, "Why are you hanging onto this? I have told you I'm sorry. I've told you it won't happen again. But you just won't let it go, will you!" And ta day! You are now in the wrong they have become the victim. You will be expected to "get over it." But you won't be able to for a very long time and then, only after the betrayer has shown that you are truly the only thing that counts in his life.

A good therapist will not let this happen. They will understand the bigger picture and not just address the issue, but will address the bigger issues.

From some people I know, I would say the average time to trust again is about 10 years.

Haha! Yes, thanks, Blue! I have seen the scenario play out. I just believed DH and I had taken right steps so far to stay on the same page.

I suddenly find myself saying, "aw, crap! My turn!" I see how my friends have secured their financial futures for themselves and kids, at the price of ever trusting their spouse or having intimacy that was meaningful to them. It's so sad, and here I get to make choices that will affect my family's and my future - for better or worse.

Again, excellent advice. This is a plan he has, a choice, repeated. I don't really know if it's better or worse than "the affair with a co-worker" type of thing as far as the seriousness and the long-term repercussions, but the fact that he lied about it being just curiosity this ONE time, indicates a serious breach of trust.

Find that counselor--even if it's just for you to help you work through what you want to do.

Yes, I spent many years in this awful loop:

Me: suspicion, finally find proof in a credit card statement or receipt. Accuse.

Him: Deny. Give plausible explanations.

Me: still suspicious, keep looking. Find more proof. Very angry accusations ensue.

Him: Deny, deny, deny. After a few days, he'd "come clean" and admit "everything." Say how sorry he is, how much he really loves me. Promise that it will "never happen again." This time he is sincere. This time he has learned his lesson. This time he really means it.

Me: deeply injured but placated.

Him: insist that I buy some special item I'd wanted for awhile or go on a trip to visit a friend - because I "deserved" it.

A brief honeymoon period would ensue. But unbeknownst to me, he quickly became resentful of me and would use the recent purchase or trip as an excuse for him to spend money on himself - to treat himself to a little amusement on the side because he was feeling "stressed" or "unappreciated."

And then the whole cycle would play out again. And again. And again.

Individual counseling helped me to finally get off the treadmill. My husband wasn't willing to get joint marital counseling until my feelings for him had already died. Joint counseling, years ago, would have made a lot of difference for both our lives.

Don't be as gullible as you were with the CULT.
Get a good divorce lawyer today.
He would not have got on that side if he wasn't planning on an affair. That is what that site is for.

it's lying that is disturbing....addicts always lie...addicts always lie even when telling the truth is a whole lot easier.

addict=lying=denial.

To the OP, I certainly wouldn't do a Hilary. Meaning have him sleep on the couch for a while and then just make peace.

Read this: http://www.chumplady.com/

You're not alone. Many people have gone through what you are right now. Take some time to read about other's experiences and the tactics their cheaters have used on them.

I agree, dafuq, I really do.

Here's my thing. All relationships require trust, respect, and open, honest, two-way communication in order to survive. Both parties in said relationship must be committed to working on all of those three things all the time. When one things falls apart, generally speaking, the other two aren't far behind.

In the OP's case, it sounds like none of the above are happening or being worked on. If I were the OP, I'd be looking to establish getting trust, respect, and communication back on track. I would seek marriage counseling to get some help and direction with those things. As it appears right now, I can't see how the OP can trust her husband. She can't trust that he's telling the truth. That he may be lying and that he ever even signed up on a cheaters' website in the first place demonstrates a serious lack of regard or respect for the OP.

This is no time to be mealy mouthed and making excuses for him or for your own behavior. While nothing you did or didn't do sexually caused this to happen, you probably still have some responsibility with regard to trust, respect, or communication. It may be that you did nothing wrong. It may be that he's been feeling disconnected and signed up there because he wanted to feel an intimate connection once again. Either way, each of you must take responsibility for fixing what's broken, or you should both own up to the idea of a divorce. A marriage counselor could help you decided which is worth the price, reconciliation and rebuilding or split up and cut your losses.

Its possible that people who signed up didn't really intend on having an affair. I have signed up for dating sites and not talked to a single person on it (or even filled out my profile) simply because I was curious about how it was setup or thought the idea of the site was funny. These sites require a membership to even enter chat areas or view profiles.

If I were you I would just say let me log into you Ashley Madison account and see what you have been up to.

What I read online is that the Ashley Madison site is basically a scam for desperate men. They say that the membership is 95% male and only 5% female. That doesn't give any man much of an opportunity for a hookup.

Thanks again for all your thoughts. I have to check out and carry on with work, kids, etc. This conversation with DH may be delayed a couple of days, due to a "family" event.

I'm open to anything else you've got!! I'll check in later...

My advice depends on how old you are and how many children you have. Do not have more kids under any circumstances!

Your husband may have been curious as was I, but by actually going to the site and signing up he took another step away from you. Being curious about something does not mean you actually have to follow through as did he. He is not being totally honest with you. He is holding back. The reason I say this is because that he has thoughts that are natural in all of us but by taking the step to put himself out in the market, so to say, he went the next step away from your relationship. This needs some airing out and the both of you need to see where you stand with each other. Don't go to the bishop, if you are still in the church, but find a disinterested third party, like a nonLDS counselor to talk with and examine what is going on in your relationship. Get help because you will never figure it out on your own.

"Its possible that people who signed up didn't really intend on having an affair." WELCOME TO SOME FAIRY TALE!

Its also possible that people registering for college have no intention of getting a college degree even at their first semester's registration!
This only pertains to BYU co-eds who are registering to get a MRS degree.
I can't be on this thread anymore. The folks today are as gullible as they were when they were in the CULT. It is making me sick.
If you don't think signing up for a F*CKING someone else website indicates that you want to F*CK someone else, WELCOME TO THE LAND OF FANTASY AND DENIAL!