Similar things have happened to so many of you here on the site, and now it's happened to me. A relative who recently lost his wife after her long and painful struggle with cancer is now preparing to marry a new woman in the temple. Although his wife passed away a couple of months ago, we just learned that he began making plans with her only 3 weeks the funeral.

I'm not so concerned about the part where some people exclaim, "Her body wasn't even cold yet!" I'm not generally disturbed that some people move on quickly. I guess some guys even have a bit of a crumpet on the side, anyway, kept at arm's length until the big day has passed and True Love can legitimately blossom. What bothers me and and rest of us was the reasoning that he gave, that fellow Mormons might condemn him for not presenting the proper model--a high priest with faithful wife at his side. Even the more faithful among us are thinking, "What the what?!"

Another oddity is that he was not discriminating at all. She is quite literally some woman he found on the computer, having started his search immediately upon the death of his wife, and decided to marry her before they even met. From our perspective the woman has little in the way of redeeming qualities. Admittedly that is not ours to judge, and it may be flavored by the complete shock.

I mean, you tell me... Is this weird, or what?

It would not bother me so much if this was a long-term friend who the couple knew well and now he felt drawn to in romantic sense. Perhaps he was lonely. But you're saying he started an internet search and latched onto some woman he didn't know at all and wasn't a good catch simply not be single because Mormon men are supposed to be married? Yeah, that's weird.

It's "weird" for anyone who isn't mormon :)

Four similar examples from my extended TBM family:

1. After raising 8 TBM kids, now all adults, mom develops Alzheimers. TBM dad nurses her for 12 years until she finally dies. Three months later dad marries (and is sealed in the temple to) a never-married TBM woman.

2. After raising 5 TBM kids, now all adults, mom overdoses. TBM dad marries a TBM widow from the ward three months later.

3. After raising 6 TBM kids, now all adults, TBM mom divorces TBM priesthood holding and domineering husband who had admitted that he had never loved her. Hubby gets on the Internet within a couple of weeks, hooks up with a TBM unmarried woman in Europe, and marries her by proxy without ever having met her in person, ultimately brings her to the US.

4. Faithful TBM divorces his second TBM wife after nine years (divorced first TBM wife after raising 5 TBM kids, now all adults). Within a month has found a third wife, a TBM woman whose stake president husband was excommunicated for adultery.


This is all just in my own extended Mormon family.


Not unusual for Mormons, apparently.

Holy matrimony, Batman! With just one more case we'll have enough to launch a longevity study to see what further odd twists and turns happen next, statistically speaking of course.

JAR

> marries her by proxy without
> ever having met her in person

Excuse me, what?

Is this a thing??

finnan haddie Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> > marries her by proxy without ever having met her in person
>
> Excuse me, what?
>
> Is this a thing??

Yes, it is legally possible in some states. When I was practicing law in California I was able to arrange a proxy wedding for a client whose boyfriend was in jail in Mexico, and Mexico was going to release any American prisoner who was married. We did the proxy wedding and he was released. It was tricky, but it worked. Several legal colleagues of mine (including a law professor) doubted that it could be done. But I did it.

The TBM who married the European woman by proxy had the nerve to ask his own daughter (whose mother he was replacing!) to be the stand-in proxy bride. She refused.

My Mom died in 1996 from a stroke. Dad had been caring for her for 4 years since she'd had pneumonia and kidney failure in 1992. After Dad moved to a different seniors lodge an old Mormon broad he'd known in his school days in Raymond glommed onto him and made a pest of herself for the next 4 years until he passed in 2000. He told me she was a real pain in the ass and that he had no intention of having a relationship with her. Called her a gold digger.

RB

My parents would have been married 50 years in Sept. 1980, and mom died in April 1980, after a couple of years of cancer.

They were living in a basement apartment that my brother built in his new house for them. The house is on an acre of land that my parents bought after they sold the home that I grew up in Sandy. Truth be told, my dad did a good portion of the work on the home....but that's another story.

By August of 1980, he told us that he was going to marry a woman that he and mom had known for a few years, from Provo. We had met her before and she was a nice woman. Her 2nd husband had passed away just a few months before mom. He told us that mom had told him to get married again.

I don't think any of my siblings were upset that he was remarrying. He had a place to live with my brother but he would have had a tough time living alone, not that he couldn't take care of himself but he wasn't a person to spend much time alone.

Mom's older sister apparently was upset he was getting married so soon but she got over it.

I was glad that he was married but we didn't get a warm and fuzzy grandma and my kids never really took to her. If we went to visit them, she'd offer my kids some hard candy in a bowl and it was the same candy as the previous visit.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/27/2015 02:54PM by memikeyounot.

The one eyed snake needs a cave to live in.

That happened many times in our old ward and enraged me! These men never married someone out of the "singles" group. They all came up with someone 20-40 years younger than the poor dead wife. It made me sick.

If a woman's husband died, and she showed up with some young hottie, do you thing it would be the same? Nooooooooo. She would be flung out by the hair!

Myron Donnerbalken Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> ...the woman has little in the way of
> redeeming qualities.

Hey, as long as she can cook and clean, right?

All I want is a pretty little wife with pretty little feet and curly hair to feed my pig when I'm not there.

Grandfather's wife dies when he's 88. They married when they were 18.

He remarries a short time later to someone about 10 or 15 years younger. She divorced him a year later. I wasn't surprised, he was a mean sob who just wanted a cook and housekeeper.

A year goes by and they get married again! I'm not sure, but think that time it lasted less than a year.

I'd like to think that by the time i'm 90 I won't be looking for a divorce attorney.

Grandfather died without a wife. Well except for #1. He's stuck with her for eternity.

A TBM friend of mine was married for 36 years when his wife passed away. One month later he met a TBM divorced gal online and they married five months after that. His son views it as a slap in the face to his mother. I think the fact that the new gal has a nice job/income (works for Disney), may have come into play a little.

Regardless, when my sweetie passed away, I was so grieved that I didn't even have the desire to date, be set-up, search online dating sites, etc., for the next 12 months.

Maybe I'm the strange one.

Some men don't do well without a mate. I hate to judge, but I do think they should take some time to get to know each other.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/27/2015 10:57PM by summer.

Number#1 since when is it any of your business? Or are you one of

those people who care so much about what other people do?


Number#2 Like Summer said, some men don't do well without a

woman. The publisher at the newspaper where I worked did the

same thing. I've head of this happening before.


Number#3 Aren't there enough things to be concerned about

besides worrying about what a relative does? Get on with

your own life and wish the man well. You have no clue about

his reasons for doing what he did. Mind your own business.

Your words are true. But we are in shock, and there's considerable disbelief that someone should enter into something so seriously by doing an on-line search. That's fine when you're buying a new power drill or something, but not someone you're going to live with. I would reserve that only for Chinese and Vietnamese brides.

Naw, the biggest thing was his odd belief that the church needed him to have a wife NOW. This could be derivative of the quasi-doctrine of Mormonism that teaches that any two people can find happiness together so long as they live the laws of Mormonism.

Most of us would get married again. Companionship is good. I think that some of us my find someone almost immediately, too. But this is clearly a situation in which one needs to discriminate. Marriage at any age is serious stuff.

IN B4 aliens plant life-giving egg-pods in the local seniors home swimming hole

IN B4 the aged fornicate openly in public like aminals

brb ~ their needs to be a law against senior porn (srs)

do not google senior porn (semi srs)

~

wut is this thread about ?

Her dad called her firecracker...the red hair was just theoutward sign her nick name wss well earned...my old man and her were an item in highschool...theyd bicker and hed go find another jolly dolly for his arm to make red jealous...make ups were intense and often...yup ..dad was a narcissist.
Firecrackers folks sent her away to byu when it looked like blue balls might turn into wedding bells..they didnt like old dad..haha...neither did I...but thats a long ugly tale for a cold winters night by the fire.

...my mom was the perfect narcissists wife...loyal...beautiful..talented..and sodadurn bent for the church and temple covenants..she waded hell with a water bucket thru sixty years ten kids twenty moves for his illustrious but unrequited career..yup cudnt shut his efing trap at work...next!!
...mom finally gets cancer and mercifully reaches out and touches the face of gawd...dad watches his usual afternoon archie show while the kids bid their goodbyes in the next room...looove that guy.
Misery sets in...has prided himself for sixty years on never doing a dish..changing a diaper..starting a washer..or a micro wave...i kid you not...mom teresa had nuthin on my mom ill tell ya...covenants ya know...fast forward one year...moaning whining sink is full..floor is dirty...he needs his bottle and a new diaper...even phoned me GASP! To whine about it.oh boy..

Starts trying to snare an old gal with some self esteem and her own money...she coinicentally wont wax his weathered dolphin out of loyalty to her departed husband..DAM...this wont work...but maybe...hmmm
Dear old dad had rubbed ol firecracker in my mothers face their entire marriage...you know so mom never forgot how lucky she was to be head dolphin waxer...and boy did she wax...nother story...
Hed never given up following ol red...shed spent one guy into an early grave and made a closet smoker out of him...picked up the next guy at the funeral...from the hometown...he shud have known better but
Now this guy after two years of blitzkrieg was dying and old dad even phoned the guy tho he hated him from high school to check on his demise schedule...yippee hes got two weeks...thatll work...hell snort some listerine and whisper his never ending love for ol firecracker right beside the bones of the latest smuck...who coincidentally despite a pre nup managed to wrestle a tidy sum from his kids and his cold dead hands...you know the type.
So my nephew dies at 28 yrs and dad decides thats a great place to announce his swift and impending nuptuals to dear ol red.she of course being in awe of the 15000 he sent her to pay for departed smucks funeral ...would be honored to marry a doctor...yeah he liked to tell every one he was...tho hed actually baled before the thesis ...details details...
The scrapping started immediately before her bounteous store of ill got gains were even moved to the love shack. See dad was really a closet skinflint...likethe guy with the huge roll of ones..yeah he had a few bucks but nuthin to what shed been lead to believe...but by gawd she was gonna have whats there.She harrassed him like any good hound till he finally signed everything over to her...boom he started going down hill...dizzy...shortness of breath...you know the usual signs of potassium nitrate poisoning...haha...i wish i was joking...18 months in...almost exactly the same time frame as the previous smuck the wheels started to wobble.The last guy made two years...within two years ol dad was gulping his last...doc figgered hed go on for a month he told my brother just as he was leaving the hospital at 8 pm...before he got out of town they phoned to say the bucket was kicked...hmmm...youll never guess what firecrackers favorite shows were...those cop shows where they figger out who dunnit and tell you exactly how...figgers...just my pure dee speculation...cuz really whose gonna question when 83 year old peckerheads wobble and suddenly cant breathe...seemed poetic justice to me...i bet my poor old mother was just giggling ...couldnt happen to a nicer...ahhh...narcissist...ps...ya know that 15000 bait money old dad sent her...the smuvks kids paid for the funeral...ol red just went out and bought herself something nice...

Wow! There ought to be a law!

Or, maybe you moral propriety scolds might consider that nobody will be forcing you to find a mate in 3 weeks if you end up in that situation, so maybe just worry about your own lives and let two consenting adults who are breaking no laws or vows do the same?

[edit note: I see Saucie already made this point. I'm two for two of writing redundant comments just now. Better just read at this point...]



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/27/2015 10:15PM by Void K. Packer.

"I am only resolved to act in that manner, which will, in my own opinion, constitute my happiness, without reference to you, or to any person so wholly unconnected with me."

Sometimes a Jane Austin heroine is the only one who can say it the way I feel it.

My total @$$hole MORmON male parent decided to have a personal conference with me when I was in my late 30's and he was in his late 50's. The purpose of the conference was to tell me that he had made up his mind that IF my mom died then he was going to get married again, and soon at that.

I thought it was very interesting for several reasons. First of all, WHY would I care about what he wanted ???? since my parents had zero concern for my personal relationships, or my personal well being for that matter, with anyone INCLUDING THEM, just as long as my personal relationships kept me steered down THE path that THE church likes/ demands, no matter how superficial and UN fulfilling those relationships might be in every other regard.
MY parents had absolutely delighted in seeing me agonizingly flounder in my primary pre mission romance, because it meant that they were going to get what they wanted -their son was going to qwbe available to go on a mission without the slightest real prospect of interference/ hindrance of a pre mission engagement..... OR post mission engagement !!!!! The situation could not have been much more painful for me, BUT WHO THE HELL CARES ABOUT THAT !!! my parents and their (FUCKING) Church were getting what they wanted in overwhelming land slide fashion. My personal concerns were being put to death for two years while I attempted to give some degree of pay off, that would never be enough, back to MORmON Jesus for dying for me. I was submitting to their dictate of serving a mission and in that state of submission and servitude it was considered weak, irreverent, disrespectful and downright sinful to acknowledge the slightest degree of self interest ESPECIALLY with regard to marriage and the unmentionable related matter of sexual (GASP!!!!!) gratification. In the condition of being a MORmON Elder missionary it was barely tolerated, and only tolerated since it was a necessity, mostly to keep them at a proper remote distance, to even acknowledge that humans existed in female form. And just as much, with in weeks after a mission, it is expected that an RM is married to a female that he was expected to totally avoid just a few weeks earlier and hopefully there is a baby on the way with in days of marriage ceremony. Remember: in MORmONISM it is not about a person growing and developing at a rate that suits them, it is about a person keeping pace with the cadence of life events that THE Church dictates because it meets THE church's overwhelmingly important needs.

Miraculously, my pre mission MORmON floozy love interest was still available post mission. After all that my parents had not done in the interest of seeing that relationship die AND all that her MORmON mother had done in the interest of killing our relationship, my parents took it as sign from god that the potential for us to get married still existed post mission.
I got what seemed like revenge on my parents by being just as detached from concern over my love life as they had been before my mission. In reality, after having the crap kicked out of me emotionally on a MORmON mission, I had simply lost the ability to care. We did not get married, much to my parents chagrin. A relationship can only be poisoned for so long before it dies. Concern can only stand so much MORmON style poisoning before it dies.

And Yes, I am LMAO at the MORmON leaders who whine that many RMs are currently not taking a more positive and directed approach to getting married. PISS ON the MORmON leaders. A person can only care for so long after the emotional battering and totally unrealistic expectations that LDS Inc continually dishes out.

After all of the calloused abjectly selfish MORmON centered manipulating that my parents had done in my love life in earlier years, suddenly I was supposed to have some deep and abiding concern over my MORmON male parent's remarriage fantasies ala practicing de facto MORmON polygamy. It was ridiculous.

My mom has her quirks, but in terms of loyalty to her spouse she is as perfect as (mythical new testament) Jesus Christ. So it was pretty insulting to my mom that my male parent was so involved in making plans to get remarried IF my mom died, especially as there was no indication that she would die any time soon. I was tempted to ask my male parent if he already had a specific woman in mind to add to his MORmON wife collection but it was so unusual that he would address the topic with me from any angle so I just remained silent and in awe that it was actually happening.

As fate weighed in, my male parent died while my mom lived on, so he had been spending time speculating, tantalizing himself, over something that would never happen. There is part of me that wishes that I had been just as nasty, vicious, bitter and condescending on the matter of marriage as he had been to me in earlier years. I should have sternly told him to stop worrying about second marriages or any marriages at all, damn it !! because after all he still was not entitled to his first marriage since he had never served a mission.

MORmONS on marriage is one of the creepiest and sickest topics that I know of.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h3yx9O4T7Ks

Smirkorama wrote:

> ... it was pretty insulting to my mom that my male parent was so involved in making plans to get remarried IF my mom died, especially as there was no indication that she would die any time soon. I was tempted to ask my male parent if he already had a specific woman in mind to add to his MORmON wife collection ...

That reminded me of the conversation an older married couple had before going to sleep one night:

Wife: Darling, if I died, would you remarry?
Husband: Well, sweetheart, I hope you don't mind, but being married to you has made me so happy that I don't think I would want to stay single. So, yes, I would probably remarry.
(Long pause)
W: Well, if you remarried, would you move her into this house?
H: This house we've lived in has been where I've been so happy - so, yes, I would probably move her into this house.
(Long pause)
W: Would you sleep with her in this bed?
H: Dear, this bed holds so many memories of love and affection for me - yes, I would probably sleep with her in this bed.
(Long pause)
W. And would you let her wear my clothes?
H: Honey, that's one that you don't need to worry about. She's a size eight.

My mom died of cancer at 68 years old. My mom and dad deeply loved each other and she was his best friend. He started dating a woman about 5 months later from his church (my dad has never been Mormon, so a non Mormon church).

They were married 3 months later and have been married now for over 20 years. She has made him so happy. Her husband died of cancer too. My dad said that they mourned the loss of their spouses together, and that it doesn't take away how much he loves my mom to love someone else. I believe him. I know he loved my mom deeply. And I know he loves my step mom too.

They are now both in their late 80's and living happily.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 08/28/2015 05:07AM by snuckafoodberry.

That's a lovely story, snuckafoodberry. :)

Why thank you!

Myron Donnerbalken Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Similar things have happened to so many of you
> here on the site, and now it's happened to me. A
> relative who recently lost his wife after her long
> and painful struggle with cancer is now preparing
> to marry a new woman in the temple. Although his
> wife passed away a couple of months ago, we just
> learned that he began making plans with her only 3
> weeks the funeral.

I'm confused, what is it that's happening to you?

Mensch, biste etwa verkalkt?

Sorry but I don't speak German.
Google suggests that phrase means "Man, are about calcified".

I ask again, what is it that is happening to you?



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 08/28/2015 10:13AM by pettigrew.

I like that translation. It has a certain, cute kind of Japanese "Engrish" ring to it.

I mean only that I thought it was clear: Many people speak of this phenomenon happening in their family. But it couldn't happen in mine, no way. But it did.

(And in German, it's just a joking insult, meaning sort of like, "Man, is your brain fogged up or something?" Literally, Man, are you (is your brain) calcified, or something? Anyway, just jabbing you. And calcified brains are a big deal in Germany.)

Still avoiding the question....

I get the point of the posters saying this is their business, not ours, but this isn't a one-off decision on the part of the OP's relative. This is a very common phenomenon within Mormonism, especially for men after a wife dies. I've seen the immediate remarriage time and time again. While technically it's just their business, I always felt it reflected 1) remnants of polygamy--men being entitled to younger women, more and more children, always needing a woman and the status of marriage; all of those reflect polygamous ideals, as men with the most wives were higher status; and 2) the undervaluing of uniqueness, especially in women, among TBMs. If you truly believe that any two TBMs can make a marriage work, people become interchangeable. If that's your belief, why WOULD you ever grieve or wait for a woman you really loved instead of just finding another Molly Mormon in a few weeks?

In the 1980s we had a man in our Ward who was considered very devout. He was well-respected in the Ward because his oldest sister was married to the President of the Church and the son of one of his brothers was the Commissioner of CES & became a Presiding Bishopric counselor during that time (and he is now in the First Presidency). Well around the time that this man's sister's husband (i.e. the prophet) died his wife also died. But shortly thereafter (around 3 weeks) he was definitely making wedding plans with another woman. They purposely delayed marriage for around a year because of the embarrassment involved in this quick rebound.

I wonder how much the fact that he grew up in a polygamous household had anything to do with it. Sure the Church had come out with the Manifesto in 1890 and consistently preached throughout the entire 20th century that this 1890 declaration was the END of polygamy. But the reality is that the Quorum of the Twelve has been the body charged with prosecuting polygamy charges and they made a decision around 1907 to only go after the new polygamies that started in 1904. Thus this man's parents (who entered polygamy around 1903; and lived it into the 1950s more than a decade after their daughter's husband became a Q12 member) escaped discipline.

He has probably always thought of women as functional accessories

For several years we've had the same home teacher. I've told him repeatedly that his job is to keep my TBH from marrying again before I'm in the ground. Now l'm out of the church and TBH is an invalid.

There is no way I want another man to take of when this one goes. In the real world there are not a lot of women looking for another old man. In the MoRmon world there is an ocean of little TBM fishes looking for a priesthood whale. It's the culture.