I am married to a TBM sex addict (his description). Under what circumstances would you have sex with a sex addict?

As much as He/She needs it!

aren't you being an enabler by having sex with a sex addict.

it's like under what circumstances would you have a alcoholic drink with an alcoholic.

He's an addict, byebye....

sex is his drug.

He is not having sex with you FOR YOUR pleasure, he is having sex because he has deep, deep problems that get to go away temporary after sex.

So?

Keep in mind, a TBM's definition of "sex addict" might not be what the normal world considers a "sex addict." After all, they think they have a "porn addition" if they look at porn once...

So what is his definition? Sex once a day? Not an addict. Sex ten times a day? Possibly an addict.

True, but your definition of sexual normalcy is hardly valid either. In fact, it is the other extreme.

How often does he want sex?

Hard to say, for a TBM "sex addiction" could mean anthing from "I look at porn once a week" to "I know the location of 5 glory holes within 20 miles of our house" to anything in between...


I would continue to have sex with them as long as they were monogomous and respected that some acts were off-limits.

I would have sex with my husband who identified himself as a sex addict if

1) After seeing a clean STD test,

2) I was able to trust the relationship was exclusive, and

3) after a mutual discussion with a qualified sex therapist who advised it,

4) I was aware of and fully communicating my own sexual needs and having them met (arousal, foreplay, afterplay, romance, etc),

5) I wanted to.

Hey we're not the experts about sex addiction... if its problematic for you, you need to both see a psychologist
and come to a decision about what to do . Plus as Hie
has said, you might not even know what constitutes a real
authentic sex addict. You need to find out facts and get
professional help before you start asking people that are
basically uninformed about it... like all of us on this
board. Good Luck with it.

Yeah you might ask him to rethink that term "addiction." Mormonism, like many fundamentalist religions, is notorious for really unhealthy attitudes about sex. He probably just wants sex every day or every other day, like any red-blooded human, but thinks it's an "addiction" because that's how he was taught.

I've been a regular masturbator since I was a kid; I used to think it was a terrible sin and a huge problem. I was certain I was "addicted" because I felt the need almost every day. But then I reevaluated my outlook on sexuality and realized I simply have a robust sex drive -- NORMAL for a young adult.

Don't let the sexually repressed conservatives dictate your life. I did, for too long, and it was very unhealthy.

IDK, sex to a guy and having a healthy relationship with a women is different.

IMHO, women NEED relationship most of the time to be connected to their partner physically .

Yeah, we women sometimes are just horney and want to get off, just like a guy.

But in the long run, women need emotional connection to a emotional available partner.

If he self identifies with the " addict" label, maybe he is.

If the OP is coming to this board with this question, then there is a reason.

C'mon now. Most mature men want an emotional connection too. Let's quit tipping our hats to these simplistic stereotypes of men as animals. If you haven't experienced that, I'm sorry, but please.

Well said, thank you.

I love sex. But I love a deep emotional connection with another human being too. Why are the two mutually exclusive?

Sometimes I wonder what year we are living in.

(And, incidentally, I'm believing that this was a hit & run post, just to get us all going.)

Maybe he was set apart and ordained a sex addict by the church?

Like they set me apart as a Lamanite!

Right after the lesson at MIA, when we were getting up a volley ball game, one of the Laurels told us that the night's lesson was on chastity and one part of the lesson was a sort of parable, since back then adults couldn't use offensive language in front of kids. You know, offensive words like penis, vagina, penetration, condom, etc.

According to the word passed along to us, the basis of the lesson was that the girls needed to rely on an aspirin tablet!

They had to imagine they always had an aspirin tablet with them anytime they were on dates, or whatever. So all the guys are looking at each other... "Aspirin tablet?" And the girl telling us the story says, "Yeah, we're supposed to pretend we have an aspirin tablet and mentally put it between our knees and never let it fall."

One of those old, white male Senators, Akins--the guy from Missouri, I think, talked about aspirin between the knees as effective birth control.

He is also the one who distinguished between "legitimate rape" and non-legitimate? rape. Idiot!

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/21/2015 09:43PM by lue.

I will have sex when I feel like it, but I was wondering what precautions y'all would take to be sure it was safe sex.

Also, TBM thought he was fine; mental health pros called him an addict and he is accepting that label.

If the mental health professionals are Mormon or, worse, are Mormons who profit by a special practice with sex addicts, you need a second opinion. From a non-mormon professional who doesn't gain anything from labeling as many people as possible as sex addicts.

Some people's definitions of sexual addiction are so ludicrously all inclusive that anyone with a moderately high sex drive is chalked up as an addict.

If it is a problem, then both of you need to work together with a qualified professional to work out the day-to-day plans.

You need to go talk to a licensed, non-Mormon sex therapist.

There is no such thing as safe sex, only SAFER sex. If he's straying outside the marriage, you are most definitely at risk. Also remember, most STIs can be transmitted orally or anally.

How does he know he's a sex addict?

Itzpapalotl Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> How does he know he's a sex addict?


Thank you, Itzpapalotl!!!!!!!!!

>There is no such thing as safe sex, only SAFER sex. If he's straying outside the marriage, you are most definitely at risk. Also remember, most STIs can be transmitted orally or anally.<


Thank you Itzpapalot!!!!!!!!!!

sounds like you and he are not compatible.

Your marriage is done.

.....is this sick bastard addicted to food and water too? as well as the MORmON religion ? he probably indulges in sleep too !!!!

I would have a frank conversation with your husband about what exactly he means (and the mental health pros mean) by "sex addict." How much sex or masturbation does that entail, exactly?

If he's sleeping around, the chances of him bringing something home to you are high. Consult your primary physician or gynecologist to get a complete picture. But I can tell you that having him wear a condom won't be enough. And honestly, why would you want to put up with that?

My experience -- if you are with a man with an unusually high sex drive, it will never be about you and your needs, much as that man would like to convince you otherwise.

Under what circumstances?

Under the direction of our certified sex therapist.

Your original post leaves a lot of information out. Mormons all to frequently use terms in their own way, because those in power want to control those who are not. So, if a mormon has a normal, healthy sex drive, he or she could be made to feel tortured with guilt about it.

I define sex addiction as a condition in which a person has sex with multiple random partners, any time, anywhere, to the point of neglecting normal, basic, everyday responsibilities. It has to be detrimental to normal functioning. Like, calling off work to pick up a stranger at a bus station and banging him right there at the bus stop. We're talking about inappropriate interactions conducted in very nonhealthy ways.

So if I was married to someone who claimed to be a sex addict, we'd go off to the doctor first thing for an STD panel, including HPV and HIV. Next appointment would be to a board-certified, experienced, NONMORMON sex therapist to start therapy immediately if not sooner.

If this is just an argument because he wants it every day and you want it once a month, then just go to a regular therapist to work on trust, respect, communication and how to compromise in such a way so that you're both satisfied.

From Psych Central, here's a list of symptoms of sex addiction:

* Frequently engaging in more sex and with more partners than intended.

* Being preoccupied with or persistently craving sex; wanting to cut down and unsuccessfully attempting to limit sexual activity.

* Thinking of sex to the detriment of other activities or continually engaging in excessive sexual practices despite a desire to stop.

* Spending considerable time in activities related to sex, such as cruising for partners or spending hours online visiting pornographic Web sites.

* Neglecting obligations such as work, school or family in pursuit of sex.

* Continually engaging in the sexual behavior despite negative consequences, such as broken relationships or potential health risks.

* Escalating scope or frequency of sexual activity to achieve the desired effect, such as more frequent visits to prostitutes or more sex partners.

* Feeling irritable when unable to engage in the desired behavior.

What I suspect is truly happening is a normal guy with a normal healthy appetite for sex is being made to feel like a piece of shit for wanting to make love with his wife. And maybe he whacks it once in a while if she's not into it.

But remember, this word "addict" is thrown around a LOT to shame people into being controlled by their genitals. If he has a normal, but high sex drive, but is not running around at all hours of the day and night hooking up with random strangers in inappropriate places, then he could just be kind of narcisstic and not concerned with his wife's needs. There's just not enough information at all here and I am not mental health professional. But all y'all should start with defining terms and talking about this with a pro.

I'll add this last thought before I have to run out the door-

Sexual addiction is NOT the same thing as having a high sex drive. Like other addictions, it's a compulsion to cover up negative and overwhelming emotions with a distraction from said emotions. Sex addiction is NOT about being close to someone, sexual attraction, sex drive, or expressing your love for someone: It's about engaging in compulsive behaviour that prevents one from maintaining healthy sexual attitudes, habits, and relationships.

If porn is what your TBM thinks is sex addiction, check out this article. The belief that porn is an addiction is worse than any effect of the porn itself.

You should be telling your TBM there is no shame in their sexual feelings and attractions.


https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/women-who-stray/201509/your-belief-in-porn-addiction-makes-things-worse

Thanks to those of you who responded thoughtfully. The diagnosis is from non-mormon therapists and is consistent with Itzpapalotl's definition.

I stopped attending LDS Church almost two years ago. When I did, he said he would also stop attending if I allowed an open marriage. When I said no, he kept attending and is mad that I do not attend.

Lawyer up and DTMFA.

byebye Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Thanks to those of you who responded thoughtfully.
> The diagnosis is from non-mormon therapists and is
> consistent with Itzpapalotl's definition.
>
> I stopped attending LDS Church almost two years
> ago. When I did, he said he would also stop
> attending if I allowed an open marriage. When I
> said no, he kept attending and is mad that I do
> not attend.


It is affirming to me that my hunches were right. Because it shows me I am listening to my intuition and am responding in healthy ways. It would pack my things and run if I were in Byebye's situation. I have a super good sense of what is healthy and not healthy and feel good about it.

All those who thought this was " normal" sexual desire have got a lot of work to do on themselves, IMHO.

There was no way to know what was normal libido and what is addiction. She posted no detail at all. We don't all have work to do on ourselves; we were trying to be cautious about painting someone as an addict if they are not. We had no basis upon which to convict this woman's husband of being a sex addict. None.

I think you have some work to do on yourself though, if you really think you can read people's minds and that your hunches are stone cold facts.

She has the Spirit, and you don't. So there...

Also, I think lue is a sock puppet. Don't quote me, but that's what I think. If you try to drop a subpoena on me to get me to testify under oath, I'll ignore it and run away to Central Utah where I'll NEVER be found.

So there.

dogzilla Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> There was no way to know what was normal libido
> and what is addiction. She posted no detail at
> all. We don't all have work to do on ourselves; we
> were trying to be cautious about painting someone
> as an addict if they are not. We had no basis upon
> which to convict this woman's husband of being a
> sex addict. None.
>
> I think you have some work to do on yourself
> though, if you really think you can read people's
> minds and that your hunches are stone cold facts.

They are my hunches not your's and when a the OP who was a women said she needed help, my women's intuition kicked in.

I have had 25 years of therapy because I came from alcoholic parents and continue the emotional processing each and every day. I watch myself and monitor myself for any developing addictions/unhealthy behaviors.

I don't know what a " sock puppet" is.

I am a awesome, Mensa member blond, fit and fabulous woman. I am a retired RN. Those are labels which I own.

I don't like men telling me what I am and am not, including you.

I agree you are a mensa.

On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week; whereas a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year.
This is upsetting news to me............I had no idea I was Japanese.

I did not know that the Mensa test did not include grammar and punctuation...