I have been thinking about recovery a lot and what it means to recover. I feel that we as former members of a cult are in a constant state of recovery. It takes time to recover from something as dramatic as being in a cult. Our minds were brainwashed to think and act in a certain way. Most of us were nurtured and taught to think like the cult as children, which is the most important developmental part of our lives.

When our shelves broke, we gained our first taste of freedom. However we weren't completely free. There were still a lot of incorrect ways of thinking that we had at no fault of our own.
As we went about life with our new freedom, we needed to develop new correct ways of thinking and get rid of old ways of thinking to deal with life and all its problems.

What were some of the correct ways of thinking that you learned in your recovery?

What were some of the thinking errors from Mormonism you had? How did you unlearn them?

I believe the most important lesson to learn is that Church expectations have no relevence. Forget the peer pressure, life choices are your own. Accept your freedom, the prison people build is of one's own making.

It's your life to live. If you want to give it to church leaders, that's your right. However, recognize that their power stems from your acquiescence, and not from above.

If you want to claim your life as your own, then you have to own it. Take responsibility for your life choices and plot your future according to your own reasoning and not some off-the-shelf, one-size-fits-all plan.

A big one for me was transferring my 'obligation' from a church/supreme being to the actual reality surrounding me. Meaning, I need to do right by myself and those important to me and not let any other entity dictate my choices.

Also, I have come to realize that willingness to 'sacrifice' is not the measure of a person's worth or goodness. Although i still wish to serve and help those around me, I don't believe in martyrdom for martyrdom's sake. And I have seen firsthand that losing yourself in the name of 'service' can lead to many things other than happiness.

Oh and it's a whole lot easier to be real friends with people when you realize that you don't have an obligation to change them for their own supposed 'eternal salvation.'

The world is a much brighter place to me now :)

The term 'thinking' is key here. To me thinking is the process of analyzing a situation whatever it may be. It could be something new to me in my process of discovery or it could be a choice I need to make. There are always things to think about in life. This process of thinking is at odds with religion, especially a fundamentalist religion like Mormonism with its predefined (though continually evolving) doctrine. In Mormonism there is really no actual thinking to be done. Mormonism requires a person to learn the doctrine and practice that doctrine without question. Thinking, in the sense of what scientists do when they study a problem or theory empirically, does not happen in Mormonism. A person has to step outside of Mormonism to study the doctrine objectively. A famous quote about thinking summarizes this well. I'll paraphrase it here; "When the leaders speak, the 'thinking' has been done." The symbolic beehive also comes into play. Mormons are drones acting in perfect order based upon a predetermined plan for the benefit of the hive.

Specifically, how Mormons try to justify their beliefs to reduce cog dis.

Do you remember Heaven's Gate back in'97 at all? The lengths at which people will go to justify their deeply held beliefs is astounding. Some of the members purchased a high powered, expensive telescope to peek at the spaceship hiding behind the Hale-Bopp comet. When they set up the telescope and couldn't see the spaceship, they returned it to the store claiming it was a faulty telescope. There's no way that there COULDN'T be a spaceship, right?

Mormonism is all about the cog dis, but so are people in general. It's uncomfortable to re-examine your deeply held views and beliefs so people either justify them, change/eliminate them, or add new cognitions. If you want to start changing your way of thinking, you have to examine your personal experiences with cog dis and how to change or eliminate the behaviours that lead to it.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/30/2015 11:40AM by Itzpapalotl.

Thinking: A process of rearranging your preconceptions so that
you may accomodate new information without having to entertain
ideas that challenge those preconceptions.

I've developed a set of critical thinking skills. I don't take, and even have come to hate, feel good trite quotes that have no real value other than evoking a feeling.
Many times when I come across those trite phrases, and we have all seen them, even used them, I stop and critically think about what it's saying. Most, if not many of them, have a black and white view of life to them.

I've learned to *THINK* and not take anything at face value

^ This.

When I have attended primary with my kids after starting to question the church, all the teachings about obedience drive me NUTS. Obedience as a principle? Brainwashing at its finest.

In learning to think critically, I also have learned to value myself and my own opinions for the first time. Since I can now respect myself, and make and correct mistakes without such needless emotional pain and guilt, I have less fear. I am free to learn like never before.
Also due to gaining respect for and patience with myself, I also respect and love others on a whole new level.

Life as an exmo is amazing!

BIC 60 plus years, then having my shelf completely collapse, has given me the opportunity before I leave this life to actually feel free to question everything. I'm not cynical, but I do expect common sense and logic to be part of the facts and information I research.

1. Questioning has become part of my searching and researching about all the topics of MY choice.

2. Feelings have their place, but in the LDS church that is the substance and evidence testified by members who have faith in an organization that is based on a fraud and on a con man.

Now I tend to not belief people who testify based on feelings. I had to learn not to believe everything I heard, especially from someone who believes he has authority above me about MY OWN life.

3. I listen now. REALLY listen to what is being said.

That is the most important thing I've had to learn to do. I ask myself what is MY opinion about what has been said. My critical thinking has improved as I ask questions about the ideas presented. And they are JUST ideas. Are they factual? Can they be documented by many outside sources?

Do you remember sitting in church and really not listening? When I discovered the real history of the LDS church I started listening. I think exmormons know more and undertand more because they have learned to listen and critique and analyze.

The world opened up and was not one sided thinking created by an establishment anymore. I listened and decided and made a choice.

Brava, Liz. Brava!
Hope you have many many more quality years of enjoying the ability to think, listen, learn, discern, or whatever it is you want.

And that you enjoy even single second of it. :D

Reading the posts thus far, they seem to have a common thread.

Learning to **THINK** critically and without guilt. Not to be afraid to ***THINK*** and ask and explore.
Realizing that ***FEELINGS***(which are the linchpin to any Mormon testimony) are not facts. They are feelings.

The biggest freedom I have come to is this. Feelings are not the same thing as facts, and I have learned to separate the two.

I am also not afraid of facts. I can look them square in the face and not have an identity crisis.

That is not true for many TBMs. They are taught to be afraid of doubt, to discredit facts, even be afraid of them.

Understandable. For many, and many of us have experienced this, but have survived, when the House of Mormon falls, its very common to end up with an identity crisis. Not to mention family crisis.

Both are extremely painful.
Both, however, are also very survivable.

Happy October all. Wishing you a best No-need-conference-weekend. :D

The biggest fix to thinking errors after on a life in mormonism is to not fall in to any mormon thought paradigms, except for those few paradigms that you conciously choose to keep. So okay, I'll choose the right and let the consequences follow. That works for me. But I myself decide what is right. Learn to question every assumption that you make, to see if that assumption is based on dogma, has real value, or something inbetween. Re-write the rules you live by as needed and trust yourself to do a good job. If you want to be a good person, you'll alwasy find a way to get what you want without dishonoring yourself or others, despite what your TBM friends and family members may claim about you or what you do.

This is a life long process. Twenty years later, I am still uncovering old mormon paradigms alive and well within my psyche. Each time you uncover one, you replace it with something better, and you are more free.

One of the biggest paradigms the church creates is that of the miserable person who you are supposed to be after you leave the church. They'll make up names like "apostate" and "anti-mormon", with stories about lonlieness and unhappiness. They'll say you're like Korihor, and paint pictures of your repenting and returning to the fold. It's all a mind-fuck to trap you back in to slavery to the church.

The only way out is to create and believe in your own paradigms. Build good relationships with others outside of the church. Learn to take exception with things church members say, regardless of how it feels to say it in front of others when you are the only non-believer present. Learn to use humor or other genuine emotions to stay socially attached to others while you do it.

If you want to maintain faith and belief, do it in private where no one can question your resolves. But stay grounded. No one "knows" for sure whether or not god even exists. Never let others out-god you because they belong to any religion. You don't need anyone else's approval after you know how to trust yourself. We all need people in our lives to help keep us in touch with reality, someone who can say "shut up" or "you're wrong", and you listen and sometimes heed their words. Be very careful when selecting those people.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/01/2015 12:23AM by azsteve.