When my husband is going on vacation, he typically has to work super hard to get the work done that he would have had to do if he were at work. He gets tired and cranky. The other day when it was close to time to leave, he got mad at a plan I made, and yelled and screamed at me. I left early for the vacation and was going to go with him to the next spot and let my kids take the extra car home. He yelled at me again and went to the movies by himself. I slept in another hotel room with my kids since he told me he did not care "what the hell I did." The next day I told him I was too tired (after hardly getting any sleep for 2 nights) to go to the next venue and that I was going home for a break. I have not heard from him except for text messages inviting me to join him. I told him that I will meet up with him when he calls and gives a sincere apology. He says I guess you aren't coming then.

Am I crazy? Please help with reality check!

No, you're not crazy.
I'm so sorry you have to put up with this.
As a husband (of 23 years), I can assure you his behavior is neither normal nor acceptable.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/07/2015 07:22PM by ificouldhietokolob.

Hold to your boundaries. Make them clear to him and never give in. He gets away with acting like a four year old and that is unacceptable. Keep the kids away from him as much as possible.

DH is feeling super stressed, and he's taking it out on you. When he's calmer, I would tell him that taking it out on you is not an option. When you can see the stress building, ask him what is making him feel vulnerable. If he can identify what is making him feel vulnerable, he can get a handle on his anger, which is a byproduct.

Your husband was probably raised in a household or culture in which admitting weakness was not an option.

Ask him if there was another way that he could have handled his disapproval of your plans. There is always another way. If you have him mentally rehearse other ways to solve problems, it may give him a bigger skill set the next time he is upset about something.

I'll give you an example. Today I spoke *very* sharply to a kid who was talking while I was working with a small group. I didn't like the atmosphere in the room after I did that. So the next time he talked, I calmly said, "If you continue to talk, there will be _______ as a consequence." Problem solved. It was less stressful for me and less stressful for him.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/07/2015 07:58PM by summer.

My nevmo therapist told me to take away the buttons and stop letting myself be controlled. Control is never a good thing to have in a relationship. We are in relationships for love and support NEVER for control. There are so many ways to control people. My BPD ex had a dozen. Threats, finances, physically blocking dorways/vehicles...you get the point.

Call him on his threats. What is the worst that could happen? Do you really care if he leaves you? It doesn't sound to me like you do at this point.

Don't worry about him leaving you he won't. He's too narcissistic to realize that you would actually let him go.

Good luck...and get some non-mormon therapy.

As a gal who is also married to a narcissist, I'm actually surprised that he even went on vacation!

Mine cancels our vacations most of the time, insisting we don't have money! But, if there's something he can't get out of doing, we have a lot of fun along the way.

(We went to Carlsbad Caverns one year when we had a funeral to go to... it was on the way, and we really couldn't afford a plane ticket and hotel for everyone - esp. when we've got a towing vehicle and small movable house, ie: travel trailer)

I'm even surprised that he let you leave to go home. I say enjoy the break, don't bother to worry about his being hurt, if he has no indication of being worried about you being hurt (but, by him inviting you back, that may be his way of apologizing. It would be my hubby's), though someone just pointed out that might be the problem my marriage - neither one of us is worried about the other anymore.


Good luck, and enjoy your vacation, no matter where you end up!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/07/2015 08:09PM by cristib.

I hate to be a downer... But narcissists are effed up, like seriously

I empathize with you...

I agree, I was married to a narcissist and the best thing I did was to file for divorce, since he never would have done so if left to his own devices.

If you're enjoying being home atm..great. BUT remember it was your vacation too. I know me well enough to know I'd be off on my own "vacation" when he finally came home. Find someplace nice and treat yourself....any spas near you?

I was married to a narcissist (and a sociopath) for 15 years, and the last years were the best, because I finally realized that he would NEVER CHANGE. At first, I thought he was merely selfish and "un-trained" to good manners, kindness, empathy, love, and most other human traits. He abandoned me and the children, and after he left, I found out that he had been cheating on me since our honeymoon. He has paid no child support or alimony, but the good news is that he was out of our life. I always tried to get him to take an interest in our wonderful children, but all he cared about was himself. He didn't see the children for 4 years, and has been a stranger who sent them $50.00 at Christmas, whom they only saw for a few hours every 3 years.

Sorry to get carried away...but the last years were the best, because I stopped trying to change him. I became "emotionally undependent" on him. The children and I would enjoy the times when he was working (actually having multiple affairs) at night, and we would play games, perform for each other, walk the dog to the park, if it was still light. I volunteered at the children's school, was team mother, den mother, etc. My best friends were divorced. My husband never met our friends, or went to our parties and school activities. I had a life all my own.

If I were you, I would not answer the phone, because you aren't going to meet him, anyway. Go to every good movie you can find, if you like movies. If you can't afford a health spa, go for a walk in some beautiful park every day, go to the farmer's market and buy fresh fruit, and pig out. Get a makeover at a department store, and a new hairstyle, mani and pedi. Meet up with some friends for lunch. Do whatever it is you love to do. Read that book you've always wanted to read. You don't have to spend money on a fancy hotel, or go on a shopping spree, or do anything that might make him mad at you. Just enjoy the sunsets, alone. It's "solitude" not loneliness. I would rather be alone than with a narcissist.

Because of my own experiences, I wonder what your husband is doing alone. You might want to hire a detective. I wish I had!

Don't let him push your buttons!

I admire one of my aunts very much. She's in her 90s now and her husband is gone. She's finally enjoying herself.

She was married to my Uncle Jack and he was extremely verbally abusive. I always knew that he'd married the perfect girl for him, because somehow she was able to never internalize what he'd said. Somehow she recognized that the problem was within him and had nothing to do with her.

I asked her one day, "Why do you put up with that?" She said, "Oh, I just say, "Shut up Jack."" And that's exactly what she'd do. It just rolled right off her back. "Oh, Jack. What's your problem? Yeah, well you're acting like a child. Shut up."

I was taught in a seminar that no one controls you without your permission. No one has the power to hurt you emotionally without you letting them. Do a little studying.

You either need a good divorce lawyer, or get some training on how to not internalize the things he says. Let him rant and rave, but allow it to simply roll off your back. I know it can be done, because somehow my aunt came out of a 50+ year marriage with her self-esteem and dignity intact.

I married and divorced an abusive Narcissist TBM. I had enough of the constant mind games and playing a bit role in HIS life.

Your husband is letting you know that this is HIS SHOW. You declined the invite to his abusive and toxic performance.

Prepare yourself. Find ways to strengthen yourself and your esteem. He might find a way to "punish" you for not accepting his "generous" gift.

Getting stressed and grumpy is normal. Taking it out on your spouse is not.

Stand your ground. Decline any further invitations to abusive behaviors.

We teach people how to treat us.

Now that I have been divorced a few years and established boundaries, my ex has finally discontinued his previous treatment. There is no payoff for him. I took his access away to "get to me".

I have changed too. Narcissists carefully select their food source for their egos. When they no longer get fed..watch out. They will find a resource.

RMM

Breeze, your story is almost identical to mine! I've been divorced for years now and love my independence. My children are grown, successful, and happy without this abusive loser in their lives.p