In the spirit of "ponderize," I offer the following cult-themed portmanteau –

Testurbate (v.i.):

1. To bear a testimony using the phrase "I know…" while not truly knowing (i.e., a testiphony); to attempt to "find a testimony in the bearing of one" (q.v. "Packer, Boyd K."); to "fake it till you make it."

2. To bear a testimony in an effusive manner such that the speaker climaxes in a Morgasm.

3. To troll an ex-Mormon forum in order to call apostates to repentance and bring them back to church, in order for god to pour down rewards ($$$) upon the head of the righteous TBM.

4. To whisper into the ear of a three-year-old at the microphone in a F&T meeting so that the child self-indoctrinates by parroting without comprehension.

"I know it's true!" he ejaculated.

I now have a new masturmony!

Evangelical Christians do this stuff too! I was cornered at work by a client picking up his order when I was at work by myself, & he testified to me about Jesus! I was like WTF…

No one thought of "ponderbate?" To give serious thought to things that couldn't possibly be true?

I thought ponderbate was when you pondered all the ones you let get away or can never have.

I see elderolddog thought of it first. We'll give him credit for it. My meaning is the real Latin derivation, however.

I get no respect...

No, it wasn't me! I gave credit to a guy on another site with the screen name Matter Unorganized, but then he responded to say that he got it from someone's FB... Probably came via the Holy McGhost! And so it couldn't have been me, as HMcG and I are no longer on speaking terms. He cries just looking at me...