That he has sent in his resignation and is leaving the church in his rear view mirror.

I have always been the least favorite child: female, didn't go on a mission, divorced my RM husband within two years and was excommunicated.

My twin brother didn't go on a mission, and has lived a double life going to church pretending he isn't gay, and having a same sex partner who nobody in the family knows about except me.

When he spills the so called beans he is going to take my place!
I have told him if he just goes with his heart and does what he needs to do to be happy it will be ok.
I don't need the church or my parents to be happy. He won't either.

I will report how it goes.

Good for your brother. Good for you.
Hopefully, good for your parents. But I worry about that part...

Sending love to you and your brother. Wishing you and him good luck with the fall out. Hugs

Wow. That takes a lot of courage. I wish him well.

Good thing you've got each other. Best regards to you both.

Ron Burr

I'm always looking for the seam of comedy gold... I can the sit-com scene unfolding before my eyes. Amy Schumer (whom I also admire) plays you. There's a knock on your apartment door. (Later you'll deal with how the hell they got past the doorman.) You open the door and it's your generic old white people parents, looking frazzled.

They bustle in, your dad's face set in a frown and your mom dabbing at her eyes with a dish towel. "Mom, is that a dish towel?"

They take turns explaining what your twin brother told them. They ask rhetorical questions about their fitness as parents, never giving you a chance to respond. They go on for over two minutes, which is a long time in the sit-com world, and then finally their chatter stops and they both look at you, expectantly. And you say:

"Does this mean I'm your favorite now? Can I have a pony?"

then cut to commercial and I get up to look for tweezers, for my ear hair...


I don't want to think about how this would unfold on Empire...

One of the things that most Mormons never learn is the importance of keeping private things private. There is no rule that we must share all of our beliefs and lives with everyone in our family.
My view is to learn to live your life on your own terms, the family is not in charge. You are.
And much of it is none of anyone else's business. The same goes for the family.

Move away if you want. Have very little to do with your family if they are contrary, critical, and cause trouble for you.

All this drama for.....what??

And if your parents are very elderly and not in good health, show more respect and keep somethings private. They are not some kind of confessional that you must partake of.
Respect their right to their beliefs.
After they are no longer living, it doesn't have to make any difference anyhow.
And, I'm of the opinion that their essence and energy that survives the physical death will adjust just fine to your rights to live your life as you see fit.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/17/2015 01:17PM by SusieQ#1.

All this drama for what, SusieQ#1? That's a question that can only be asked by someone who has never had to face the situation. It's a lovely fantasy, that one can just not say anything.

The problem is that it is tremendously costly to pretend to be something that you are not. Parents, other family members, and just people around you in general constantly talk to you about things that are, for you, false. And they expect and sometimes even demand that you respond to what they say.

Keeping the lie alive is one of the worst things that a person ever has to do, in a situation such as this. If you've never experienced it, it may be hard to imagine how terrible it is to always have to guard every word. To always have to allow others to say whatever they believe, but never get to say what your truth is. To always have to invent plausible answers to cover yourself in the lie. To live in fear that somehow you may be found out and have to face even worse antagonism than if you simply told the truth.

It is a deadly task. No-one has any right to suggest that another person should put him/herself through that misery.

Beautifully said. Couldn't agree more.

I think it depends on the person, some would be happier keeping it private, some would be happier letting everything be out in the open. I keep some things from some people, share everything with others, depends on the situation and how I feel in it. But for me, sometimes hiding some things makes me, personally, happier.

peculiargifts Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> All this drama for what, SusieQ#1? That's a
> question that can only be asked by someone who has
> never had to face the situation. It's a lovely
> fantasy, that one can just not say anything.
>
> The problem is that it is tremendously costly to
> pretend to be something that you are not. Parents,
> other family members, and just people around you
> in general constantly talk to you about things
> that are, for you, false. And they expect and
> sometimes even demand that you respond to what
> they say.
>
> Keeping the lie alive is one of the worst things
> that a person ever has to do, in a situation such
> as this. If you've never experienced it, it may be
> hard to imagine how terrible it is to always have
> to guard every word. To always have to allow
> others to say whatever they believe, but never get
> to say what your truth is. To always have to
> invent plausible answers to cover yourself in the
> lie. To live in fear that somehow you may be found
> out and have to face even worse antagonism than if
> you simply told the truth.
>
> It is a deadly task. No-one has any right to
> suggest that another person should put him/herself
> through that misery.


If you know my story, you know how I dealt with the whole situation of changing my mind about my religion. I've posted about it many, many times, how I stayed married to a true believer.

My view is to keep it very very slow, give people time to adjust and keep drama to a minimum -- doing what you can do to control the situation, knowing that some things are out of your control.

Not everyone has a difficult time leaving the LDS Church. Some are able to walk away and family and friends are able to be mature and adult about it.

Wishing the best for your brother today! I hope your parents embrace him and the man he loves.

Wow, I didn't realize I had caused any drama. I apologize for my many shortcomings.

I don't think anyone faults you for causing drama here! We're delighted you let us know what's going on. I think there was backlash against the idea that your brother should not speak his own truth as it's nobody's business.

You didn't cause any drama. Your post is beautiful.

I told my Bishop/Stake Patriarch dad that I was both gay and apostate at the same time. THAT was drama. I hadn't planned it either like your brother has. It just came out of nowhere when he asked for a priesthood interview and suddenly I couldn't keep a front up for one more second. The trauma level was about as high as you can go on the scale.

Good luck to your brother. If it doesn't go well it will make a good story for later. Please let us know what happened. He's doing the right thing and it takes guts.

I hope you get the pony. Haha. Loved elderoldog's "sitcom."



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/17/2015 06:11PM by blueorchid.

Best wishes to your brother!

(To OP, not blueorchid, I guess I messed up my reply somehow lol.)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/17/2015 06:33PM by KiNeverMo.

Your brother needs to be honest about who he is. If your parents can't handle it, it isn't his fault or your fault.

Drama happens, and you have no need to apologize. Thanks for sharing and keep us posted. I hope everything went well for your brother today.

Your parents had the mini me fantasy. Reality is far more interesting. Hopefully one day they will get to know both of you for who you really are, wonderful individuals.

Best wishes. Bravo for boldness!

How did everything go?

When parents pick favorites and scapegoats, they don't deserve a trusting relationship ANY of their kids. Because that's not love. It's manipulation.

Okay, that was harsh. I was angry about how your parents mistreated you. Maybe I'm a bit touchy because I've seen that sort of thing in my own family, complete with a mini caste system where everybody knew who was golden, and who the losers were. (They didn't call them losers. Just treated them that way). And I wasn't even one of the losers. But it was still damaging, because I didn't want to end up like them. It kept me compliant for WAY longer than it should have.

If they are like most TBMs, your parents' self-worth is all tied up with raising a 'good Mormon family' and THEY felt shame when you didn't make them look like perfect Mormon parents. So they took that out on you. Whether it was to deflect blame, or if they were trying to change you, I don't know. I'm not excusing it. I'm just saying a lot of Mormon parents do it, and I think it's because they have misguided shame over stuff they don't even have control over. Parents need to realize that their kids become their own people.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that I have found a lot of understanding, and some healing by reading stuff by Brene Brown.

http://www.actionablebooks.com/en-ca/summaries/the-gifts-of-imperfection/

One of the best quotes from the book: "Fitting in is about becoming who you need to be to gain acceptance. . . . .Belonging doesn’t require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are".

So much of our TBM lives, including our TBM families is NOT belonging, but hiding who we are so we can fit in.

To a normal person this would make no sense. In the real world families don't turn on kids who leave a church and being gay is respected.

You're right. It might be difficult but we can survive not having supportive parents in our lives. Sad that it's necessary but that's reality for many exmos.

what happened?

It went as well as could be expected. He told them that he had not believed in the church for many years. He also told them that he had been in a same sex relationship for many years.

He said my mom had a screaming fit and said "you and your sister are bad seed." "This is all her fault!" And other cliches too numerous to mention.

In her rage she took a 50 year old painting of us as infants off the wall and told him to take it - she never wanted to see us again.

I was afraid my brother would be upset, but amazingly he said it was what he expected.
He is going to get married to his love, and go on a honeymoon to Alaska next week.

The best part? He said he is ready to start his real life without the church or my parents.

I am so proud of him.
Love you Bubby! I hope your real life is as awesome as mine.

Unconditional love rarely exists in Mormonism. I'm sorry your mom said such horrid things. I hope your brother's authentic life is long and happy.

As tough as all that sounds, when you see the way they really act, you realize you're much better of without that kind of people in your life. Peace out!

Thanks for the update, Pugsly.

Wishing your brother and his husband a wonderful life.

Living a lie to make others happy is a very bad idea. Not to mention, that it's not healthy.

After I read your first post, I was amazed at how much your relationship with your family sounded just like mine. The only difference being I have no twin.

When I read how your mother blamed you for your brother being who he is, I had to laugh. I've always told my siblings to go ahead and do whatever they want, i'll get the blame! They'll never look bad in my parents eyes, it will always be my fault. No matter that I haven't seen some for decades, it's still my fault. After years of this it got to be so predictable it became funny.

Just so you know, you could be a perfect mormon that walks on water and everything that your parents don't like in their family will be YOUR fault. It's just crazy how they come to that conclusion in their heads.

I tell you this so you know who and what you're dealing with. Their perception is cuckoo and has NOTHING to do with you. They decided long ago to make you the scapegoat. Chances are they will never change their view, and you won't get a pony. It's ok though. Those things do nothing but eat and poop out that very expensive pony food.

P.S. I cut ties with my parents for good when I turned 50. I don't miss anything about their drama or their religion.

The best outcome is, of course, to get the unconditional love, but the next best thing is to get a story like that as far as I'm concerned. These episodes may not be funny when they happen, but time heals everything and often lets us see the humor.

The love for your brother reads so strong in your posts. So happy for you and him. His reaction makes me smile. The big loser is your mother. Hopefully she will haver a breakthrough someday soon. A lot of us are left wondering what our families could've been like without Mormonism smack dab in the middle of everything.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/19/2015 08:22PM by blueorchid.

Pugsly, your mom has made her choices and will have to live with the consequences. Her loss. Best wishes to your brother and his husband-to-be. May they have a lifetime of happiness together!

I remember talking with a co-worker who was a Church of Christ member, while I was TBM, about having a gay child. I'd never thought about it before but it only took me a minute or two to tell her that I'd just love him. He would be my child and I just didn't see how I could stop loving a child no matter what he did or what he was. I might (at the time as a TBM but not now) put some restrictions on him if he came to visit me with his partner overnight but that would be about it. And I've never believed in trying to tell anyone what they should believe regarding religion. Even as a missionary I only believed in telling people what I believed and letting them decide for themselves if it was right for them. I cannot imagine forcing your children to follow Mormonism or heterosexuality. Sorry but your parents sound unbearable.

I'm glad your brother is free. I hope you are too. Happy ending.

Seriously, she called you and your brother "bad seed"? So does that mean she's blaming your father, too?

I would think a parent who must be getting on in years would want to keep their children in their lives, rather than alienate them.

It's sad how people can throw away relationships like that.