Hello,
DH and I became unbelievers this past year. We still go to church but we would like to phase out of the church eventually with minimal impact on our children. We have teenagers and smaller kids. My DS, 14, especially loves the church, the scouts, wants to go on a mission, BYU, etc... . The social aspect is very important in their lives. We have not told the kids anything yet as DH and I were were discovering about BoA, polygamy, JS. It was truly a shock for us. We've always been TBM until this year.
I'm interested in advice and stories that could help us find a non-traumatizing way to tell our TBM teenagers/ children. We feel it's important to change before they invest so much of their lives on a mission and more. We will respect if they want to keep going to church as well.
Thank you.

Are you in the Morridor? It can and will make a difference.

No, we're in NorCal.

I just told them that I made a big mistake and discovered the church wasn't true. My oldest son (barely eleven) was so excited and told me he knew it was a fake from 5! My middle son wanted to find the golden plates to prove me wrong (he's 9) and the other kids don't remember it. I'm not sure for teens but just be honest and tell them adults make mistakes too. Don't force teens to leave with you or they may fight you. Have family fun on Sunday and make it a real day of rest.

I'm curious to know, after you told your kids, did you ever go back to your ward? Did they ask you to go back? It's been such a big part of our lives that I wonder if it's better to go cold-turkey or progressively become less active. Thanks!

DH stopped going first. I stayed active with the kids until I started looking at "anti" stuff. I stopped for several months and started back when I nearly died, I gave the kids a choice at that point. When I was out we still did scouts for awhile. Now we are out of everything, so I guess we slowly weaned ourselves. You live in such a beautiful area of the country, I say start planning Sunday day trips and go from there. I hope this helps!

It does, thank you!

Wow, your story is almost word for word my story Brandywine!

I was particularly worried about my oldest son (12 at the time) as is was such a diligent chap, always keen to go to church and jump though all the hoops. I thought it was going gut him. He straight away told us "Man, I knew it was crap. How the heck can you fit 500 pages of the Book of Mormon on a few plates and 2 thirds of it was sealed. What a crock!" He went to explain how he would ask questions in classes and none of the answers made any sense if he wasnt just given default dismissive answers.

Not mormon, but have kids. I don't care about your kids social activities. You know the truth. You know the church is lies. If your kids grow up & figure out the church is crap & Mom & Dad knew it all along, they'll be pissed & never trust you. A parent is supposed to protect their kids. If you know something is harmful to your kids and just stand by & do nothing, you're a poor parent. Sorry to be so harsh, but you didn't have kids to watch them crash & burn. Tell them!

There is a story about a TBM couple who discovered the church wasn't true and had a son on the mission whom they went to rescue.

If you haven't heard it yet, it's a great listen available here.

http://www.exmormonfoundation.org/audio2007.html

This is the talk and Nanette Martin starts her story around half way through after Ray Hult.

*****Panel, Ray Hult & Nanette Martin: "A Road Less Traveled"***

It may help.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 10/17/2015 02:13PM by Zeezromp.

Thank you, I will check it out.

Zeezromp Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> There is a story about a TBM couple who discovered
> the church wasn't true and had a son on the
> mission whom they went to rescue.
>

The TBM Husband was my HPG instructor at the time. When they left, they sent a detailed letter to everyone they knew. I was so damn jealous when they left. it was a huge shock to everyone. Their biggest issue was paying tithing for the downtown shopping center. I wanted to leave with them. I was weak, stayed in. Small World.

My oldest Son was 14 when 9-11 hit and I realized that God didn't exist at least not the kind of God that would intervene on behalf of his children, who died pleading in vain, for salvation. When Gordo the Clown PRofit responded wirh hallow platitudes to 9-11 his pointless words sounded like a giant thud, They landed like a brick clanging off the front of a rim.
I had no alternative, but to refuse to raise another generation to fall prey to Joseph's Myth, like the previous 5 generations.
My world view changed dramatically. Suddenly I realized the future isnt pre-determined by a Metta Narrative. Its determined by us, and our children and their children. Suddenly, "Be the change you want to see in the world," became far more meaningful to me than any other ideology before or since. Suddenly I realized how I raised my children was more important than ever before. I didnt want to be in the position my Father was in, knowing it was utter nonsense, but never saying. IOW, lying by ommission, by not disclosing what he knew.
Theres no way to honestly defend Joseph's Myth. The sooner you break it to them, the better.
I used the Socratic Method, which works as well now as it did in the Golden Age of Greece.
Ask them questions they cannot answer with cliches, that force them to do the math.

Well, first I told my wife. She's Catholic but was still a bit surprised that I did it. I then told my nevermo son. He is of the same opinion that organized religion and the expectations it puts on it's adherents is crap.

RB

Just reading about exiting cults. The article listed three requirements, the third of which was courage.

You'll have to be courageous and stand up for what you no longer believe in. I've done it lots of times. It's not easy, but it's worth it!

Since your oldest is 14, I would wait until after Christmas. But before that, start encourage independant thought. Point out when leaders are wrong, that only power hungry people want to force obedience.

Bring up an essay and discuss it. Make it ok for your kids to think for them selves.

Skip church a few times to do some family fun. A hike, a picnic, the beach, a weekend away. It will get them used to the idea that you don't HAVE to go to church all the time.

After Christmas, move even further along with this. Lead your children, such as 'Do you think an honest church tells their members how they spend their money?' you can give examples of other churches that do tell their members how they spend their money. LDS doesn't, they hide it. Is that honest?

Step it up with an essay or two for those that are old enough, and then show them what Steve Hassan wrote about destructive cults.

Good advice, thank you.

I let them do the math, after answeri g their questions honestly. The only real, honest way to answer the many questions about Joseph's Myth is to conclude it is a fraud. Anything short if that is a delusion. Some if us are more delusional/ignorant than others.

I recently watched this Ted talk on being wrong and maybe it would be a good starting point:
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=QleRgTBMX88

I personally have no special insight on this, but it is a subject that appears frequently. Here are some recent discussions that may be of some help.

http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,1654488
http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,1663020
http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,1680609
http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,1683693

That you are both out is a significant tail wind you can ride, since you can put up a united front. You have a few years to make this work. Of course, you won't be spending a dime on a mission or BYU, which is another advantage you have.

our kids were primary age but we were going every other week for a bit when we checked out other faiths (trying to ease out of a calling) but after DH got released from his calling we just quit going. We told the kids we were going to stay home in our jammies and watch movies and eat doughnuts for breakfast and they loved it. the next sunday we did something else fun and they were over it immediately.

both of them told us later how boring church was and how much more fun Sundays were as family time :)


What I would do with a teenager is be honest and show him/her what you've found and say that you as the parents have found that Mormonism isn't true and Sundays are now family time (or whatever other plan you have for Sundays.) When my kids got older I filled them in on JS and much of the other crap cause we have LDS family and I didn't want my kids sucked back in. They both love our LDS family but they think LDS beliefs are crazy as hell.

ps: the Mormon version of watered-down Scouts totally sucks. If your kids like Scouts I encourage you to find a non-LDS troop, they will welcome you and it will be actual real Scouts with the focus on Scouting and not brainwashing.

+1

No-mo scouting is light years beyond the near dead mormons scouting program.

Everytime the Bish gets a hair and replaces a leader scouting starts at zero many times with people who did not want the job in the first place. That attitude carries through in the quality of the mormon program.