Hi. I'm Keasey, I'm 20. I'm a scholarship student at University, I'm 1 of 5 kids in a strongly religious family. My mom brought us up to be hard-core Mormons, and I was until I got to high school. That's when I started realizing that I was not a good person. I was a good Mormon, but absolute human trash other than that. I judged people relentlessly, I looked down on homosexuals, smokers, even coffee drinkers. I was Laurel's president, a star seminary student, and just full to the brim with hate. I took a step back and realized that I wasn't the only one. The way my friends and I talked about "bad Mormons" and others who didn't share our views was disgusting. My mother turned out to be the cruelest and most intolerant person I'd ever met.
And so I thought "I'll make the church better". Because it was just a problem with how the gospel was lived, not with the doctrine itself. Until I became a feminist, and started to admit to myself that there were way bigger problems than nitpicky members. Like the fact that the Mormon church is built on a foundation of polygamy and racism, that biological gender prejudice is so ingrained into the doctrine that girls aren't even allowed to even wear dress pants to church. Like the fact that even though church members lie to your face and say "it's fine to be a working mother" gender inferiority and difference is outlined in the Proclamation to the Family, and taught to women since Primary. Like the fact that church members encourage you not to think about issues you have with doctrine, but to "Leave it alone, John" (remember that Elder Packer talk?).
I'm more than ready to leave the church. The problem is getting the church to leave me. All my family members are Mormon. My brother is a callous, cold, bigot serving a picture-perfect mission. My oldest sister is just about to graduate college so she can be a stay-at-home mom her whole life. My parents are both active, and constantly ask me how I'm going to get married or when I'm going to start dating (nice to know they don't care about my education or career). I live in the same town as my parents and two siblings, and at their request I visit on Sundays. How am I supposed to look them in the face and tell them I'm going back on everything I was raised to be? I've already tried to explain that I'm leaving, but they don't believe I'm "being honest with myself".
I just wish I could disappear out of the church. I wish I'd been brought up to be ideologically independent or proud of my who I am, because then I could set off on my own.
How am I supposed to break away from something that's determined to be my whole life?

You are articulate and intelligent and you're lucky to be just 20. You don't have to do everything today.

You know you don't want to be mormon, and why, and that's a decent start. You're evidently planning to graduate college, so let's start with what your degree is going to be in and what you intent to do with it?

I gather you're not at the Y, so that's a plus. The way you phrased "I'm a scholarship student at University" is not 'American phraseology' so I'm guessing Britain or Down Under...

Anyway, you know you're not going to be mormon anymore, so just take your time figuring out what you are going to be. There's no hurry and to my knowledge, no deadline. I'm still working on what I want to be when I grow up.

Sound as if you've checked out already. Good for you. Their claim is that "we are christen". Go with that, it's an easy out with tscc. What is a christian?

You're obviously intelligent. I think all of us who come from TBM families have had to disappoint our parents and face the resulting conflict. Appropriate boundary setting is an important part of adulthood. You must decide for yourself the best way to kindly and clearly communicate to your parents whatever it is you think they need to know about your reasons for leaving. If they cannot be respectful of that decision it is up to you to set necessary boundaries so that you can move forward with life. It can be excruciating but it's still better than living the lie. Good luck!

The first step is to recognize that leaving a staunchly mormon family will likely lead to severely damaging your relationship with your family. You need to come to terms with this prior to leaving. As you probably recognize they will not accept or understand your decision. Don't argue or fight with them over it. You are an adult and it is your decision. I never gave mine a reason for leaving. It was a waste of breath.


Then just stop going to church. You can write a letter to resign or just go inactive. They will try to get you to stop but remember the decision is yours. The favorite weapons to keep from leaving are guilt, claiming love, and threats of terrible consequences.

Remember true love is unconditional and accepting. Guilt is manipulation and a sign of emotional abuse. The terrible consequences are all BS.

You said:

I've already tried to explain that I'm leaving, but they don't believe I'm "being honest with myself".

That says it all. You already told them you are leaving, and they refuse to take you at your word. They are either in denial, or perhaps they are attempting to convince you that you don't know what you really believe, deep down.

If they are in denial, that's fairly normal, and it will blow over when they get used to the new reality. But if they are trying to manipulate you, then it can cause a lot of emotional distress for you. Some people pretend to know what you think and feel because they aren't willing to let you have a separate identity from the one they want you to have. Rather than take your word for how you feel, a person who is 'mind-reading' might say they know what your REAL feelings or intentions are, and accuse you of either lying or being confused. Or they might tell you that you aren't hurt, when you are. Or that you really have a testimony, deep down. What they are really doing is invalidating you as an individual with separate thoughts and feelings from their own.

I'd say don't argue with them about your beliefs or feelings. Just set a boundary or confront them "You can't make up stuff about what's going on in my heard or in my head and expect to convince me of it. You don't get to tell me what I think or what I feel. I already KNOW what I think and feel."

Personally, I wouldn't push the issue too hard right now. You are still young, and possibly somewhat financially dependent on them. Just stop attending church, and live your life. Be yourself, but don't be in their faces about your exmormon status. Maybe even wait to resign until you graduate.

It may be that your family just doesn't want to deal with it. Mine didn't. They knew I had left, but after a couple of conversations, it rarely came up. If they don't bug you about church, don't bug them about it.

You have two important things going for you –

1. Your scholarship makes you not dependent on your parents for your education. That's huge. It takes away their biggest potential threat to your future.

2. You aren't living with them, so you don't have to deal with "their house, their rules." You get to decide when you see them.


"How am I supposed to break away from something that's determined to be my whole life?"

In steps, and they won't make it easy. To start, don't go over every single Sunday; say that you have important exams coming up, and you have to study. They may whine, but hold your position. You have to train them, establish boundaries, teach them that "no" means "no."

Don't worry about hurting your parents' feelings. It's happened to them before, and they're still here. They can learn to live with it one more time. Disappointing your parents is part of becoming an independent adult.

When you do agree to visit, you can set the conditions. Tell them that you won't accept them telling you what you believe and how you should act. If they try, you'll up and leave. Be prepared to follow through, since (like children) they'll test you. Also, wear what you want on your visits. If they're obsessed with modesty, don't be afraid to show some shoulders, midriff, etc. It will be a powerful visual signal that neither they nor the church control you any longer, and that you mean what you say.

Take it from there. Be strong for yourself. And don't concern yourself about your lizard brother – his mission sucks. He just won't admit it.

Book of Mordor has good advice.

Maybe you should get a part time job and just not have much time for them anymore.

Start making small decisions they would dislike to establish your independence.

When you visit, always have an exit plan. Never be dependent on others for your exit.

I would avoid discussing church altogether and start out by showing them that you are an adult now and can live without their advice.

When the pain of staying exceeds the pain of leaving, then you will know what to do when that time comes.

It took me over a year of serious consideration of whether to stay "inactive" or resign, before I sent my resignation in two weeks ago, and now DH and I are officially out.

It'll be hard, but it'll be worth it. You are the pioneer in your family.

https://youtu.be/6Z8OP8LIHho