I emailed in my resignation. I have not been to church in years and it is the right thing to do, but I am struggling because my mom asked me not to do it. Even though I gay and partnered, I know it would hurt her if she finds out.

This recent policy change on gay people and their children was the final straw for me. I just cannot do it anymore. I cannot have my name associated with this church and I cannot have missionaries and home teachers continually hounding me. All that does is remind me that I am somehow unworthy.

Sorry to be needy, but any support would be appreciated.

As an adult, your mom got to choose whether or not to stay Mormon, and that is your right as well. Your mom also gets to decide how she feels about that. All decisions carry consequences, both positive and negative. Your mom will get to experience some of the negative consequences of her decision to stay Mormon. This is in no way your fault. She is an adult and can deal with it like adults deal with other disappointments in their lives.

The realization that you need to be true and honest to YOURSELF, even if other people don't like it, is part of becoming adult and independent.

The church (and many people in it) don't want you to be true and honest, or adult and independent. They want you to be dependent on the church (and on them) for your thoughts and actions.

You've just won a big victory. For yourself. It'll be OK. :)

I was depressed most of yesterday after hearing about this. I told my TBM husband last night after thinking long and hard about it, that I was going to have to send in my letter as well. I also told him I was going to have to come clean with our children and would send a copy of the letter to them so they wouldn't be surprised by anything they find out later. I just want it coming from me and not some geneology sheet.

He's been furious with me since I told him and I feel bad for him but I just can't have my name affiliated with this any longer. I'm tired of feeling like a fraud and a liar, I just can't do it.

Anyway, I so feel your pain.

To tiredofreligion:
You did the right thing. It would be unconscionable if anyone asked you to remain a member under the circumstances. I hope that your mother will come to realize this, and that she will someday learn to support what is right instead of what is not.

To isthatall:
I am so sad to hear that your husband is angry with you. It might help to consider that, if he has any finer feelings at all, he may well be feeling guilty about supporting TSCC, in his heart. And then dumping his bad feelings on you. It's all too frequent, to find a way to blame the bad feelings on someone close, when a person is afraid to face up to his own real feelings.

And if he doesn't feel bad about what TSCC has just done, and your kids are grown, you have a lot of leeway to tell him to back off. You should not be punished for doing the right thing.

Wow. Such honesty and courage.
I hope things will smooth out for you.

Seriously, you are doing the right thing. I applaud your conviction. Go forth and be happy! I left the church three years ago... I finally woke up from the brainwashing. My entire family is LDS, so I understand how you are feeling. I feel left out, and I know they are sad and think I'm going to hell. But you know what? I'm more alive then I've been in years, and you are doing the right thing :) I promise!

You did the right thing. You were respectful to your mother, but the church has made it clear that they do not want or consider you to be a member.

You are being brave to take this step, and your mom is obviously fearful of the sanctions, opinions and ideology of the church in which she belongs.

Fear is a powerful motivator and controller, and if she uses it to belittle or shun you, awful and gut-wrenching as it would be, then it is on her, not you.

I applaud you, and send cyber hugs from a mom who just had the nerve to send in resignation after all these years.
I support you being yourself.

If you believe in a loving god who created you the way you are and that that loving god did not create you to be unhappy, then you have done the right thing by disassociating yourself from an organization that tells you the opposite. It is your truth and your life and you do not need to be concerned with the standards of "worthiness" that they have falsely constructed. This was my mantra nearly 40 years ago in an even less tolerant environment when I separated myself from the church, and it still holds true today.

So well said!

Congrats!

Your mom will realize that nothing has changed.

You are out, hooray! Welcome to the club :) just so you, and others know, you are still in their database, you just have a red flag by your name (they keep record in case you ever want rebaptism). So technically you're still on record. Your mom loves you and hopefully wants what is best for you. Stay true to yourself and people will respect that. I wish you the best!

Hi Tiredofreligion, when I sent in my resignation, I felt pretty bad for about two months. First, I totally understand your feelings of "unworthiness" and your concern for what your Mom may feel. Being unworthy was something pounded into us as part of our enculturation into Mormonism.

We were conditioned to always feel it was OUR weaknesses that were the problem. And, if only we were stronger and more valiant those weaknesses could be overcome. In my case, I couldn't "overcome" masturbation. I prayed and prayed to have this curse lifted from me (I once went four months). Now really, how fucked-up is that! A 19 year old virgin feeling so guilty about a natural biological function of his body that he prays for his body to stop functioning. As I grew older and my world view broadened, I realized it was the twisted teachings of the church that were fucked-up and not me.

So, when I sent my letter in I stressed over how my TBM wife of 30 years and my 3 TMB kids would react (I have a son on a mission). Well, my wife decided to make a BIG deal over it! She went around and told each of the kids and tried to shame me!

The kids really didn't care as I had left 20 years earlier and joined an inclusive church. My daughter (as told by my wife!) said I had a right to choose what church I went to. My sons shrugged it off as "so what's new?"

Finally when my wife went after me head-on, I calmly raised a couple of points of doctrine--"I understand why you're upset, now you'll be sealed to XX or XX (mentioning my BILs). Yeah, I'd be upset to be married to either one of THEM! But take heart, according to your church's doctrine, it's better for me not to be baptized as a non-believer (the justification the Morg uses for its courts of love). Anyhow, you can always do my temple work for me when I'm dead assuming you still want to be sealed to me."

That stopped the shaming immediately.

Now that it's been about six months, I feel great about my resignation. I no longer have to answer yes when asked if I'm a Mormon. I no longer in any way am giving implicit support to the fucking leadership. My gay friends know that I'm totally supportive of them. I enjoy my beer. I can be friends with anyone. I can cuss with impunity. I wear boxer-briefs. But best of all, I'm being my authentic self.

So, friend, your feelings are normal, but in time, you'll feel great about your decision. Blessings be with you and your partner! The Boner.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 11/07/2015 01:46PM by byuboner.

Thanks everyone for the support. I feel good about the decision. I just want to be done and move on.

It might not count for you since I'm not your mother, but you need to know thousands of other very nice women at RfM are very proud of your courage and integrity.

+1

Perhaps this will help....
http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,1710866,1710866#msg-1710866

You have your own principles. Perhaps your mom will not be so happy with the CULT now either knowing that her own grandchildren (if you have or ever have kids) will be banned from the CULT. Many TBMs are angry and they are quitting.

CONGRATULATIONS ON RESIGNING!! YOu did the right thing. No more EVIL CULT in your life!

I was talking with my wife about this policy this morning. I'm not gay, but this policy is so despicable that if we could, we'd resign all over again.

When I resigned, I was worried about what my parents would say. If they knew, I know they would be hurt, I imagine questions like "How could you hurt us like that?"

I've thought a lot about what my response would be (so far, even after several years, they haven't hinted that they know, so it's possible that they don't). I think my response would be that it's not about them. I had to make the decision that worked for me. I have to be true to myself. I understand that they are members and that it means a lot to them and for me, for my own reasons, I no longer could be a member and be true to myself.

I don't know if this helps. It is hard what you're going through. It will take some time to process the emotion with it. I know you don't know me, but I feel you did the right thing. No one needs to be made to feel like they are unworthy.

I think I would say to my parent, "Surely you can understand why I cannot have my name associated with this organization."

If they can't understand it, then all you can really do is say, "This is something that I needed to do, for me. I hope that you can accept that."

After that, it's up to her how she reacts to it. She's really responsible for her own reaction. You're not responsible for keeping her happy.

I think it is natural and human of you not to want to hurt your mother, but doesn't it bother you that your mother doesn't have the same concern for you? And wouldn't it follow then, in that case, that you need to do what is good and right for you? Give it some time and you will never regret your decision, no matter the fallout. You will find yourself wishing you had done it sooner.

You are not unworthy.

Last general conference, L. Tom Perry (now 6 feet under) gave his penultimate gc talk. His label wasn't to label these relationships as unworthy, but instead he carefully aimed his shotgun and called them COUNTERFEIT. A term endorsed by a Q12 member. A derogatory name calling. An un-Christ-like condemnation. A term that describes the hate that percolates in the indoctrinated TBM controlled mind.