I've been going back and forth on how to tell my parents that I no longer believe. I've written a letter that I've read and re-read, edited and re-edited, but just can't seem to bring myself to sending it. With Thanksgiving right around the corner, I have hesitated sending it, because I don't want it to ruin the amazing time we have planned to spend together. Any advice is greatly appreciated!

Why don't you leave it until the new year? Then family has a whole year to adjust.

My advice is to accept your own adulthood, presuming that you are a grownup. Realize that you have been brainwashed in the sense that you have never been told to think for yourself, that if you don't believe, you will lose everything, and most frightening. your family in the hereafter, and quite often so implied,in this life too. Accept the fact that they most likely will never understand because they have been brainwashed too, and fear rules them. And also, you can love them without obeying them, you don't owe them anything but your love and devotion and being a TBM has nothing to do with that. Try this simply statement. "Mom, Dad, I can only live my life seeking truth and I am doing that. I accept that you do that also. You have told me all life that you know the Church is true. My answer to that is, You don't know that, you believe that you know it but it isn't knowable. I don't know that it isn't true but my research of its history, and doing my best to figure it out, leads me to believe that it isn't the only true Church. I am being honest with you; please care for me enough to appreciate that, and know that I love you."(Not sure that I've expressed myself as well as I might but you get the gist.)

Tell us in a paragraph why you're experiencing a "faith crisis."
Then, you may get some concrete suggestions.

Thanks for the advice. It's good to get some feedback and I really appreciate the candid-ness. I feel like I am ready to move on to the next part of my journey, and this is really the only thing holding me back. I also think that timing is everything, and sometimes I get myself worked up over what could go wrong.

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/19/2015 08:27AM by Kelle.

Don't send it. Wait for a few months and see if your feelings change.

Remember that to some Mormon parents, they would rather see an inactive jack Mormon kid than one who doesn't believe. You can just sort of drop out over time.

If you do decide that "in your face" confrontation is the best way, consider that parents (especially mothers) believe that they are failures if their kids fall away. They will have feelings of failure and guilt. Be prepared to thank them for teaching you to be in independent thinker.

Holiday times are probably not a good choice. Put the letter away and consider it therapy for you. You never have to regret what you DON'T say.

Eventually they will figure it out if you don't show any interest or signs of belief. You can focus on being a super student or something different they can be proud of. They WANT you to be happy and successful.

I don't know if you are 15, 20, 30 or 40 years old.


One more thing to consider: If they are older, your actions basically imply that they wasted their entire life in a stupid church bubble. They can get really defensive trying to justify how they spent their life. It can be upsetting to them that you don't value their entire value system and world view. Be prepared to bring up great things they did in their lives that were not related to being Mormon.

You will need to consider if fast and furious is the way to break it to them or if slow baby steps works. I don't recommend a lot of drama or emotions. Keep it factual. Only you know your family and their history of dealing with unwanted news.

Good luck!

I have been inactive for over 3 years now, my parents think I stopped attending this past year. I didn't start doing real studying and soul-searching until this year. I started attending a once a month class at the Buddhist Zen Center, and noticed I would feel the same feeling you get when feeling the Spirit. I really connected with one of the girls there, who happens to share the same name that I do, who had experienced some difficulties of her own with the church. This prompted me to start doing some research into Church History/doctrine, reading books and online sources. I started getting in to podcasts and things really started to unravel from there. With my world completely shattered, I started reading books like the Art of Happiness and Beyond Religion by the Dalai Lama and decided that there was light at the end of the tunnel. I let myself be free to explore other ideas, in regards to religion/science, things I never would have before my crisis of faith, and the world just seemed so much bigger, so much more exciting!

Well, that's it then! Makes perfectly good sense. I'd say if you go with that, you're going to feel very good about yourself.

I am in a very very similar situation. I can't tell you how it will turn out but I can tell you my advice. I would suggest waiting until the new year. This is crushing news to TBMs. I wish it weren't that way but, that's the nature of the beast. Don't do it around any major event (holiday,wedding, birthday) because the remembrance of that event will always be 'tainted' with the memory of this news. It's rather unfair to you, I know, but it may also make things easier and smoother for you in the long run. I have also heard the suggestion to do a letter or e-mail and then invite them to call or visit when they are ready. Some people need a 'grieving period' before they can talk calmly about it. It's an amazing time, a spiritual awakening. But it sure sucks to deal with those who don't agree. Good luck and keep us posted!

I vote for the new year also. The holidays will be time for you to show your concern and love for the family.

Do not discuss your status in the church or any religious issue whatsoever. Your reply if asked is "that's personal and not up for discussion" then give them a big hug. It'll confuse the peanuts out of them.

This will give you time to decide and to feel the Family out.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/19/2015 10:54AM by AmIDarkNow?.

Wait until after the holidays are over...then decide.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/19/2015 09:26AM by lapsed.

You haven't told us your age or what stage of life you're in. Are you financially dependent on your parents?

Those factors could influence the advice given.

Based on what you've said, I see no downside to waiting till the new year, and no advantage in breaking the news during the holiday season.

I don't think timing is everything - that sounds to me like taking responsibility for how other people feel and react to events. No matter when you tell them, there will be fallout. That's something you can't control. I do think it's wise to go gently and slowly with the people we love.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/19/2015 10:02AM by ellenl.

I am 22 and completely financially dependent from my parents. I had a pretty heart to heart conversation with my mother this past summer, about why I haven't been attending church. It caught me off guard a little bit, and I wish I would have said a few things differently, but overall, I feel like I was able to at least scratch the surface. I am in the stage where I feel like I am living my life a certain way, yet feeling like I can't be completely authentic around my family. Feeling like living a double life so to say.

If you haven't gone in three years and your parents know you haven't gone for a year.

Why bother making a big deal out of it?

Describe the present not the past. Tell them about your attending the Buddhist and how happy it makes you. Share with them your happiness in finding it. Stay positive instead if dwelling in the negative.

I really appreciate everyone's advice. Sometimes all you need is to hear what other people have to say and gain from other's perspectives. Being raised LDS, I think we inherit this idea or this need to confess or share everything about our lives.

Mormons and other fanatical religions are used to asking inappropriate questions or topics as part of normal discussion.

It really sets them apart as a peculiar people for sure. It also ostrizies them and keeps them in the fold. Most people tend not to like superior type people asking about their personal lives.

You only have to share what you want to share.

I am not openly telling my parents and broadcasting my disbelief. I want to see the shock on their faces when they ask a question and I answer it honestly.
I want to see the wheels turn when they realize I have lived a genuine life as a good father and husband, and yet not believed for years. I hope that the shock will get them thinking about things and then seriously contemplate the truth claims.
That to me will be worth the wait. Its not that I feel like I have to hide or be covert. My life is an open book. They can always ask.
At the same time I understand that you feel like you are living a double life when they don't know your beliefs. My opinion is specific to my situation. If you would feel better at peace with them knowing power to you. Keep us updated on how things go, and what you decide. Best wishes to you! We are rooting for you.

Just wanted to update everyone on what I have decided to do and how Thanksgiving went. The holiday was actually a breath of fresh air. My parents didn't try to corner me and ask me about church-y stuff. I was able to express some of my opinions, when things came up and I feel like my family was more impressed then they were upset. At least, that's what it felt like to me.

I have decided to hold on to my letter, and just wait until the new year. Maybe take the next couple months to feel things out, just keep living life and not getting worked up about coming out to my family. I don't have to disclose anything unless I am asked. It feels like the better route to take, hopefully it works out!

My parents found out right before the holidays. I had told my brother I left and asked him to not tell my parents, especially my mom, so we could enjoy the holidays before she became depressed. Anyway, my brother was pissed I had left and told my parents to get back at me. I knew my mom would be extremely depressed. Thanksgiving and Christmas was very hard on her. She had to up her depression meds because of me leaving