There is a saying that is commonly attributed to Albert Einstein (though there really isn’t any evidence that Einstein was the source): “the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results.” I think most TBMs would love me to test my sanity one more time.

I grew up in a TBM family. During most of my youth, I accepted that everything I was taught was the absolute truth. I never doubted or questioned TSCC. In my late teens, I decided that I needed to gain my own testimony, and not depend on the words of other people. When I was 18, I read the BoM cover-to-cover for the first time. When I finished, I put Moroni’s Promise to the test, fully expecting to “know” the truth, from my own experience, for the first time. I had a chance when I was alone at home (a rare opportunity in a large family) to get on my knees and pour out my heart in prayer. I didn’t expect an angelic visit. I didn’t expect trumpets blaring from heaven. But I did expect something that I couldn’t deny. Moroni 10 doesn’t say you’ll feel good about the BoM, it says “he will manifest the truth of it unto you, by the power of the Holy Ghost. And by the power of the Holy Ghost ye may know the truth of all things.” Well, not only did I not “know” the BoM was true, I got nothing.

Despite that failure, I left for my mission a months later. I blamed myself for not receiving a testimony, and thought I needed to prove my devotion to the lord to be worthy on an answer to my prayers. I read the BoM a couple of more times, and still no answer from above. The years went by, and once every few years, I decided to try to prove the BoM to myself again. Each time, I felt nothing when I prayed after reading it. This went on for about 30 years. Each time I read it, I noticed more logical, moral, and doctrinal problems, but I always gave “the lord” the benefit if the doubt. The last time I read it cover-to-cover was when Hinckley challenged all members to read the BoM before the end of the year. Once again, I found a quiet time and place to get down on my knees. At the end of my prayer, I felt nothing, but my mind was very clear.

Sometime later, when I was still active, I expressed my lack of testimony to my bishop. His advice: read the scriptures and pray.

I have come to the conclusion that anything religious or spiritual peened by a human claiming to be of god or some other wacky source is false, untrue and needs to stay away from me by at lest 50 yards unless labeled and sold in the science fiction part of the book store.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/29/2015 10:58AM by 64monkey.

And it takes some of us so many years after being raised in a very active LDS family to realize that we can think and decide and we won't be 'punished' by god for deciding it is a fraud.

Fear. That is what keeps most who question, doubt, study, or challenge attending this religion of their youth or conversion by missionaries.

We keep trying to make sense of it and can't. We have been told we are to blame.

Takes years for us to finally reach that instant where we realize the truth and feel the relief. It isn't us.

But then the fear is real because it involves family. Nothing prepares us for what happens when we are no longer a believer in the flock or their scriptures.

We no longer want to be sheared. We can't follow what we know is not really legitimate.

And then begins the decisions as to what do we do with the knowledge we have. Continuing is insanity. Leaving can also be insanity for many.

Nothing about this religion is for the member. They are made to serve the church. The decision to leave or stay is not easy.
But we can choose our own course if we have strength to weather the consequences.

Row well and live. (from Ben Hur)

Children are taught from infancy to do as others direct, expect and demand. I am delighted my own children have become aware of the innate, built in guidance that their children display and are trying to be respectful of it and allow it to develop and grow.

It's hard when we have been trained to acquiesce to everyone one around us to find that autonomy that we are born with. It takes years but the happiest people are the ones who figure things out as they go, and listen to their inner messages, ignoring the peanut gallery for the most part.

I so remember the "nothingness" I felt after heartfelt pleadings in my prayers. It took me many years to realize that "nothingness" was a CLUE and a guide post to freedom and loving myself.

It is so nice to see religion for what it is and be able to release the feelings of un-worthiness that it brings.

My experience was much like yours. I read and prayed many times about the B of M. Sometimes it was after fasting. Sometimes it was a 'marathon' reading (under 2 weeks, as part of a BYU ward challenge). Every time the result was the same: no answer.

I stopped counting how many times I read the B of M. It was probably at least 18 times.

Like you, I blamed myself for not trying hard enough. It's sad how the church teaches people to blame themselves, rather than question what they've been taught. That may be the thing that I resent MOST about my experience in the church.

The Mormons have tweaked the definition somewhat. Now it means telling the same lies over and over and expecting to be believed this time.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/29/2015 10:43PM by donbagley.

I think Packer required this...

Now it means telling the same lies over and over and expecting to believe it this time.

Before you could do this...

Now it means telling the same lies over and over and expecting to be believed this time.