Posted by:
Bruisedwings
(
)
Date: November 30, 2015 04:34AM
I've had a strange hot/cold relationship with a TBM. I'm ashamed of myself for doing something out of the ordinary at least for me, letting him hold my heart as though it was his. Sometimes he treated it like a precious gem, sacred and worthy of love and protection. Other times he'd step over it leave it out in the cold, something to take or leave, of little value. I still cannot have a thought of him without tears streaming down my face. It's finally sinking in (like a hot knife I might add), that he may tell me I'm nice and pretty, but he will never love me the way I love him. Love is not a foreign concept to me. I've been in love with men who've been incredibly good to me, financial and emotional support. This one though, Often he will speak with me for hours on end sharing many things asking me many personal details as though he is hungry to know everything about me and anxious to share everything he can about himself with me. There's always that wall, though . I just don't want to come up against it anymore. I have been crying for what feels like forever. He says he'll always be there for me and has been there. He tells me I'm beautiful, that he loves my smile, etc. I think it's because I'm not TBM I'm off limits. That's all well and good but what I have felt for him has overwhelmed my entire being. I'm now in the process of forgiving myself for allowing my love for someone to overshadow my love for myself. I feel like I was swept up completely and it was too late when I realized I was doing something potentially hurtful. I never want to regret love, that's what adds to my sadness. I'm glad that I never had actual sex with him. Tonight, I begin one hour at a time of healing. I guess that sounds ridiculous, but one day at a time feels like a stretch. I don't even care who thinks I'm weak or stupid or slutty. I'm sensitive maybe. If you can't respond without saying something mean please say nothing. I'm sharing this very intimate detail with a bunch of strangers because feel alone. Who can I realistically discuss this with? I'm determined not to seek therapy. I already feel foolish enough, and I don't need to add crazy to my already negative feelings surrounding him. I know people will wonder about this, so I'll put it out: in a year never once did he try to convert me. Well not in the religious sense. He did manage to convert me from a pretty confident person into a weak and lost soul who needed him for everything. He did convert me from a person who enjoyed male attention to a person who only cares about his attention. I'm not sure how to undo this.