Hey everyone, I am in a very sticky situation and I need all the advice I can get.
I am not a mormon, and I am very against the church. But, I started dating this guy my junior year of high school that was a mormon. We dated for 2.5 years and 3 months ago he left for his mission to South America. We didn't really break up, he just kind of left. He isn't the best Mormon ever...if you know what I mean. He basically lived two different lives. He was a different person around me then he was around his family/ward. He did not want to go on his mission. He went because he didn't want to embarrass his parents who are firm believers in the church. He kept telling me that he didn't want to preach something that he didn't believe in himself. His parents think of him as the perfect son and perfect mormon boy who went on his mission because he wanted to spread the gospel. Fast forward, and he's on his mission. He emailed me saying that he now believes in the church (WHAT??), but feels terribly guilty that he shouldn't be there due to his unworthiness. He wants to come home SO badly. He emails me every week saying how miserable he is, but doesn't know how he could possibly come home and handle the embarrassment. He keeps talking about drinking the unfiltered water or "accidentally" injuring himself. I feel like I am his only support system because NO ONE else knows what he is going through. I'm actually scared what he might do to himself. I think he is hardcore depressed and I honestly don't know what to do. I can't tell his parents because then he will hate me and I don't even know if they would do anything about it. What do I do? How can he come home without everyone thinking he is a failure? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/03/2015 05:36PM by peacelover999.

So sorry...sounds like you two were a match made in heaven. It's no surprise that he now believes in the church. It's cult conditioning at it's finest. That's why they get these young guy's to go on missions - they know they can brainwash them even further. He doesn't need to confess anything...he could just say he can't take the mental stress (e.g. "not what I expected", doesn't want to ruin his GI track w/ parasites." Tell him to log onto this forum for advice...a lot of us, like myself, are returned missionary's. We know what he is going through. Two years is a long time. I am sure he misses you terribly.

If he comes home won't people give him hell for it?

In his place, I'd go home, deal with the issues and try to go on with life.

Unfortunately, the Mormon church, his parents and other Mormons have compromised his ability to think and act rationally.

There's not much you can do about it except tell him you're there for him and be a sounding board.

Never marry this guy. It will be a long hard struggle for him to deal with all of his imaginary demons. You can't fix him.

Maybe, depends on the reason given for coming home and how hard core his parents are BUT you'll make him forget it real quick. He'll be fine. He should be in college, dating you, and having fun. Mormons suck the fun and life out of everything. He is wasting his precious time. Whatever he does - he should not confess to anything - that will bring Mormon shame, shunning, and guilt - and he doesn't need that. He just needs to say he's stressed, misses home, and want's to go to school ("wasn't what I thought it would be.") I know South American missionaries, who years later, still struggle with GI problems from parasites.

But once he is home with a friendly woman the brainwashing will disappear pretty quickly. It does get better after you come home early. I can testify from personal experience. And lately there is much less stigma on coming home early. He is supposed to feel guilty for anything he did before leaving. But let me tell you a secret, unless you are pregnant, they aren't going to send him home as "non-worthy" they will demand he stays. He needs to tell them he has tried the mission and he does not belong there and he is leaving.

I would tell him that if he decides to come home you'll support him. Remind him that he is under pressure to conform and he's deluded himself into believing it because he is forced to live in conformity 24 hours a day.

Why did you come home early? If you don't mind me asking.

for coming home early. Took over 2 years to recover from lovely tropical viral disease. The experiences I had during this pretty much convinced me the mission president and other church leaders did not have any special priesthood powers and were enormous jerks.

He is an adult. He needs to make adult decisions. If he doesn't want to be there, he can leave. It is all up to him really. He has to live his own life. Neither you, nor his family can do that for him.

Unfortunately, I don't have a lot of advice. But maybe some information might provide some context for what your friend is going through.

The point of a mission, is not, as they profess, to teach people to baptize and make new members, that's a side goal and if they do that, great. Many missionaries go though their entire missions without baptizing any more than one or two people, some baptize no people at all. Don't get me wrong, there's a lot of pressure to teach and baptize, but that's all part of the plan, to keep them in control.

The real goal of a mission is keep young men and women in the church. To make life long tithe payers. They take them as young as they can, while they are still impressionable and malleable. They take away their support group, only allowing written letters and two phone calls a year. They make them totally reliant on the church for everything then surround them with nothing but gospel, doctrine, and church. Even their "day off" (P-Day) is extremely limited.

If he's done anything to make him "unworthy" before his mission it can cause extreme depression and can make things very difficult for him.

Coming home, even for an illness or injury can cause a great deal of embarrassment (if they even send him home, they may keep him there or send him to a state-side mission, or even a phone mission)

None of this is easy. Stories like this break my heart.

Be his friend as best you can. Please don't encourage him to hurt himself, that can cause all kinds of trouble. If he can keep his head down, even see some of the positives (I'm assuming he's in a foreign country, if so, go see the sites while he can, I saw all kinds of things in Korea). Two years is difficult, but it can be done. If he can't do it, he can ask to come home, it would be embarrassing and very difficult to do, but that too can be survived and moved beyond.

Be supportive and be a good ear, that may be the best thing for him right now.

According to you, he already is in hell, and has sucked you in. It is his choice to stay, and he is choosing to do so. He has somehow convinced you that it is not his choice, he is a wounded bird, and won't survive without your intervention.

The thing is, he is asking for "help" from a person who knows little to nothing about how to "help" him, and he knows it. You even believe that you are the only one with whom he will break the rules, that you are "special." Really? So you believe that you're the only non-mormon he emails?

It is a very old con game that you have bought.

His situation will continue to grow more dire, and you will be ever more worried. -He is being cruel to you, and you will be able to know this by your tears.

strangeloop was being snarky, but was also absolutely correct. You need to keep re-reading that response until it sinks in.

You are the one being cruel by saying he is manipulating her.

It sounds like this missionary is truly reaching out for her help.

When people ask for help. You don't tell them to go to hell.

This board is full of assholes.

<<This board is full of assholes.>>

Is that a bad thing in your opinion? I guess we could all just bow our heads and say "yes."

We could have a correlation committee tell us all what our opinions should be.

We could worry about whether we're setting a "good example" in order to bring more sheep into our flock.

But if we do that, what was the point of leaving the church?

I think you're reading to much into their situation. Yeah he's in hell, but he hasn't sucked her into it. He's just reaching out to her and wanting moral support. She knows how to help him...she's not stupid. Here she is seeking advice on this forum. She realizes she's not an expert in Mormonism, and she trying to get perspective and advice. He's not conning her - what are you talking about? Seriously? They're in love. We're talking about 19 year olds here. You remember when you were 19 don't you? He's probably a very good guy. "Cruel to her" - really? Are you really an exmormon?

Thank you.

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/03/2015 07:41PM by peacelover999.

He cares so much what other people think of him, thats the problem. He would come home, but it's the aftermath he's afraid of. And frankly, I would be too. This church scares me.

His behavior predicts which end of the stick she'll be holding in two years.

SHE came for help. I don't question that she's in love. I question the way that Jack Mos show their love - and loyalty.

HE CAN get help, but she wrote that his primary concern is not his freedom, not her, not his worthiness, but his show of worthiness; screw the truth.

What do you think his "believe the church now" statement means to her, her life? I'm not reading into it; I read it.

I'll be damned before I respond, "Hang in there, sweetheart, he needs you soooo much."

Why are you more concerned about the one ignoring his options, rather than the one "investigatng" hers?

And that's where unchecked ad hominem leads.

I could have been your BF 30 years ago. I bet he way more prefer to be in quiet place playing with you than where he is. I had no burning desire to "spread the gospel" but I did have a burning desire to please my parents so I played the hypocrite and went. It's sad how things never really change.

He needs to confess if he truly believes in the church.

No he doesn't! It's none of the church's damned business!

I've seen many missionaries in his situation. They don't want to be there but Mormon culture puts such intense pressure for them to to serve and "return with honor", that they actually contemplate physically hurting themselves in order to find a way out. If he is serious about hurting himself, encourage him to talk to his mission president. Some presidents are actually nice and care about the missionaries. Maybe he's lucky and got a good one. Maybe he can help and give him a lighter work load. Some mission presidents do that instead of sending them home. If the president does send him home it'll be humiliating for him but probably better in the long run.

In the short term you can be a good listener. Just having someone understand can make a difference. But the choice is to gut it out or come home in order to solve the problem and you can't make that decision for him.

As far as faking something or actually trying to hurt himself to come home, most likely he is not seriously going to do that. Even if he did, most mission presidents still do anything they can to keep them there and since your boyfriend isn't one of those to stand up for himself yet, that strategy probably wouldn't work. Mission presidents and their wives have been known to not even let sick elders or sisters go to a doctor. Missionaries have to have permission from them you know. This is what he has signed up for. Does that explain a little why he can't handle it?

Your missionary boyfriend has gotten himself in over his head. Many do because they are just at that point in their life where the Parents count too much. Life begins when you cut the apron strings. He has not done that. No shame in that because it is hard to do for most of us, especially those born in the church and raised to be obedient. Obedience is so highly prized by everyone he knows and your friend hasn't learned yet that Mormon obedience will destroy your life. He's getting a taste of that now. Maybe this will be the overdose of obedience he needs in order for him claim himself.


In the long term, don't rush into a binding relationship when he gets home, whether it's soon or whether he goes full term. There is plenty of time for both of you to sort out your true feelings about each other and about what's really important in life.

And make sure he cuts the apron strings before your relationship becomes serious. You don't want to spend the rest of your life helping him keep his parents happy while your own dreams go unfulfilled. That is more common than you could imagine.

And, as far as the "snarkiness" of a couple of the posts, please reread them after a while and really consider their points. They are more valuable than they first appear. Many have lived long lives full of ups and downs and they will glean from your post some things that only the very seasoned know. They don't coddle, but that doesn't mean they have nothing to offer.

The shame of an early return is real. And although it is not the biggest problem in the world, it is his problem. He is lucky that he at least has you--the one person he can be honest with.

What you are doing is already worth a lot.

I do feel bad for you. Your BF has put you into a very difficult situation. Apparently he is telling you, and only you, the truth about his mission. Be assured that his letters home read quite differently. Nothing but positive messages about how wonderful it all is. Does he have a missionary blog? I think the "Called to Serve" website can tell you if he does.

On the other hand, I don't feel all that bad for him. He really is out there by choice, especially if he says he believes in the church now, even if he was under a lot of pressure to go. In addition, he's not man enough to be honest with his own family.

Look, I understand the depressed missionary syndrome. Been there and done that. After six months in the field, and a couple of abusive companions, jumping off a bridge began to seem downright attractive. Instead, I decided to grow a spine and push back hard against all the mission BS. If I could do it, so can he.

How do his parents feel about you, as a non-Mormon? I presume they don't know about your activities, but it's safe to assume they would hate you for (in their eyes) spoiling their precious perfect boy. They probably don't much like you anyway.

He writes you every week. Do you write back? You might remind him that you'll never believe in the church, and in fact are "very against" it. If he's being honest with you about his newly found belief, he may break up with you over that. That's the best result for your own sanity and emotional health. But if he seems OK with it, he may not actually believe, and is just saying that because he's supposed to.

I suggest that you find out what he really wants, since it sounds like he doesn't know himself. Does he want to come home, or does he just want to make the guilt causing all of his misery go away? If it's only the guilt, then he may end up confessing to his mission prez, but unfairly blaming you for all of it.

And how do you feel about him personally? He has a lot of growing up to do; can you see yourself staying with him? If he believes in the church, he won't want to marry you unless you convert. Under NO circumstances should you ever agree to do anything of the sort. Don't marry him, period. It would be the biggest mistake of your life, by far. Your misery would greatly surpass his.

You deserve much better than this. The best thing for you would be to extricate yourself from this mess. I see no good outcome for you here. You can't fix it, or him, or his delusional family; he has to find a way to solve his own problems.

This is really the worst advice I have read here. This missionary is not you. You are not serving in his mission, with his personal background and family etc etc.

Buck up boy, grow a pair , soldier on. I did so can you …

Mormonism creates people with no compassion, empathy or at the ability to see beyond their own little bubbles, even when they are exmos.

"This missionary is not you."

Oh, that's brilliant. Obviously I'm not in his mission, with his family, background, etc. Nor was he in mine. Who's to say which of us had it worse? The point was, I've already been where this guy is; I was potentially suicidal, and I know from personal experience that it's possible to make it better. And I had NO support, no one to talk to, not a sympathetic or caring GF, not anyone. Your own judgmental slip is showing. Spare me.

As for "no compassion," it's evident that you haven't read other posts of mine. Even in this one, I clearly expressed sympathy for the OP's position. I wasn't addressing the missionary, at all. Had *he* posted asking for help, my answer would have been expressed differently.

Another point you missed: I wasn't advising the BF to "soldier on." I'd actually prefer that he return, but it's not my call, is it? If he decides to stay in the field, then this is what he will have to do; otherwise it will destroy him, as it came close to destroying me.

Really, "Anon for this," if you're going to snipe, at least use a regular recognizable board name. Using an anon handle just doesn't seem all that courageous.

and you stayed and betrayed the truth and yourself.

And now someone else who knows it is bullshit, you are trying to convince them to stay.

Once again. I am NOT trying to convince anyone to stay. I was talking to the OP, in the event that he himself decides to stay, because he now supposedly believes in the church.

And just how do you profess to know what I knew 30 years ago? When I was out in the field, I did believe a lot of it. Not all, but enough. I believed JS was a prophet and that the First Vision was real. I didn't believe in a literal Adam & Eve, or a 6000 year old earth, but they were on my shelf. I believed Spencer Kimball himself had signed my call, and not his autopen. And so on.

So "Anon," stop showing your ignorance. If this is the best you can do, it's probably best you stay anon.

I'm done. I'm not going to argue with someone who is determined to misunderstand.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/03/2015 10:38PM by Book of Mordor.

Knock off with the sock puppet. Have something to say? GREAT! But use your regular board name to do it. Abuse anonymity, you will lose it.

You can tell him that if he really means he believes now, he has to confess his sins, and take his lumps because his belief means he cannot hide from God. Tell him that his threats to do himself harm will only give him more things to feel unworthy about. (And they make him sound crazy.)

You should also tell him that if he is going to stay, he ought to at least do everything he can while he is there to furhter what he is there to do. You can remind him that if what he says he believes is true then God already knew all about how unworthy he was when he issued the call.

So it is basically a matter of deciding to fake it or come clean, no matter the immediate fallout. Tell him that he has plenty of company for choosing either (with the full spectrum of good to bad outcomes), but staying in the place he is expressing to you is unsustainable and unhealthy.

Then send him a care package.

Remember, there is no real shame in going home early -- just the fabricated shame imposed by the cult and its members. If he returns and gets away from the cult, into normal society, no one will care.

He can simply say he served three or six or 12 months as a volunteer missionary overseas. After that time, he thought it was enough -- especially in light of the health risks involved.

I absolutely TOTALLY agree with this!!!!!!

Spot on, GC!!!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/03/2015 10:46PM by Susan I/S.

Only your boyfriend can decide what he is going to do. Lots of other young me (and women ) have been in this situation and have either come home early and dealt with the consequences or stuck it out. Only he can make that decision.

All you can do is tell him that you will support him no matter what he decides. Even though you would like to fix the situation for him, you cannot. He is the only person that can do that.

Missionaries are never allowed to be alone so there is little chance he can do himself any harm.

I had a boyfriend that went on a mission to Hong Kong. We wrote letters back and forth, nothing too romantically mushy, as he seemed to be struggling so I had more of an encouraging tone in my letters. After about 9 months in Hong Kong, I received this very distressing letter from him. He had gone absolutely crazy! His letter was very suicidal and he literally scribbled big ugly, black ink slashes all over the letter. I was shocked and a bit panicked.

I was at BYU at the time, and his dad, a high school teacher, happened to be taken graduate classes there. I ran up to the University, found his class, and asked the teacher if the dad was in attendance. He had already seen me and was coming up to meet me at the front of the class. We went out into the hallway, where I gave him the letter from his son. He immediately called the Stake President, right there in the hallway. I left as he was talking to give them privacy. The dad called me later to thank me and gave me an update. Three days later, my missionary was home. He was a real emotional mess!

I won't go into all the details that brought my missionary to the point of suicide, nor will I go into all that happened after he was back home, but giving that letter to his father was the absolute right thing to do!

"And that's causing him to be "hardcore depressed" and he thinks "NO ONE else knows what he's going through?"

"Yeah, he sure is dealing with some serious issues alright. VERY serious. LOL!!"

Hardcore depression IS very serious and could result in the kid harming himself, if he doesn't want to be out there knocking on doors every day and living a lie for two years. When I went through the mission home in 1974, one missionary there wanted to go home so badly that he slashed his wrists two weeks in so he could get sent home. He was desperate, and he didn't know what else to do to get his leaders' attention.

My advice to the OP is to tell her missionary friend to go to his mission president and explain the situation. It will be embarrassing for him, but it's best in the long run for his emotional health to be honest. Hopefully, the MP will be compassionate enough to do the right thing. If the kids merely tells the MP that he's "unworthy," that's usually enough to get sent home.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/03/2015 10:50PM by randyj.