I'm not in a real great state of mind right now. Many things over the past year have taken place: daughter moved out of state, lost one of my sources of making a living, acquired a few health problems including serious arthritis in my shoulders (career related) and in my knees. The arthritis comes with chronic severe pain. I have also been battling cellulitis twice recently. The good news is that my husband's mental illnesses are being controlled well with the correct medications now. My meditation is also going well. SO there is some good news.

Over the past few days I have had two bad dreams concerning performing in high profiles places during this holiday season considering the mass shootings that have been taking place. My groups of musicians are booked for several performances during the holiday season. The two performances which I have had nightmares about are a Jewish/Christian wedding taking place in a high profile hotel and a Christmas/Hanukah party, also taking place in a high profile hotel and on the highest floor of a tall skyscraper. The dreams consisted of shooting and a plane flying into the skyscraper. Yesterday I posted about being afraid and about how I was going to be quitting performing after this season partly due to this fear and partly due to my arthritis, etc. My post was taken down. I have no idea why but it was not taken down until after someone told me I was whining. Well, it might seem like whining to some people, but the fear is very real to me in view of the recent terrorist attacks. The comment was made that I'd have a better chance of getting in a car accident than being in a terrorist situation. That might be true, but considering that these shootings/attacks are happening real often now, I am going to take my own fears seriously even if nobody else does. I think it is quite rude to make fun of someone else's fears simply because you personally don't have them. But, I will get over it of course.

And yes I am working on getting a lower profile third career, but things take time. The policy that the CULT recently announced regarding gay/lesbian couples and their children sent me into a few days of constant crying. I do have gay and lesbian friends and relatives who are impacted by this horror.

I have called the CULT the EVIL CULT on this board for a very long time and I believe with all my heart that it truly is extremely EVIL. I know many of you don't agree and that is fine. I know that some of you find the CULT annoying or inconvenient (for lack of better terms), but I believe that it is every bit as EVIL as other seriously EVIL organizations throughout history. In some ways, the CULT is even more EVIL because with many organizations, we all know their agendas, who they hate, and what their plans are. The CULT lies continually so they are constantly surprising people with the depths of how EVIL they really are. That is another level of EVIL as far as I am concerned.

Because of all of this sadness and not being taken seriously etc., I think I should take a break from the board for a while and work on becoming less depressed. Whatever I am saying is causing problems anyway as my posts keep getting taken down. This one might be taken down too, but I hope a few people will be able to read it first. I will probably still lurk off and on to see what is happening, but a steady diet of the EVIL CULT is more than I can stand with everything else right now. The CULT hurt me very badly. It has hurt members of my family very badly and while I thought that I had recovered quite well, I think I was wrong about that now.

I will be lurking about and occasionally will add a post. Thanks for reading them those of you who have.

I'm sorry to hear you are struggling. I used to have anxiety, and I know it's not fun. I struggle with depression, too.

I don't know about your posts being removed, maybe you can ask Susan? Trying to guess what's going on when you're feeling so down is probably going to make you think it's something worse than it is.

If you feel stepping back is what you need right now, go ahead, you need to take care of yourself. I haven't seen any problems with any of your posts, though. You will be missed if you go. :)

I am going through a nasty spell right now of bad bad pain and incessant depression, so I can understand a bit. Wish I had some good advice but all I can offer is gentle {{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}…

Guess I'm an old whiner too. As a matter of fact, I titled my journal "Tales from the Whine Cellar".

vv, I suspect the post before was taken down for "political" issues...though I don't know.
At any rate, you weren't "whining." Rational or not, your fears are your fears, and they affect you.

I might point out that even given the events in SB (and 9/11 and everything else), your "odds" of being a victim of a terrorist attack are extremely tiny, and that it's FAR more likely you'll be killed in a car accident in your own neighborhood...but I'm not sure a rational approach is going to do the trick here. That's not an insult (seriously!) -- it's just the nature of fear like this. It isn't necessarily rational to begin with, and thinking rationally won't necessarily do anything to make you feel better.

As some others have said, if you feel you need to not go perform, then don't. Your overall well being is more important than any of these performances, and you might be a total wreck with the fears, the pain, and everything else going on. This isn't a matter of you having the "courage" to do it or not -- it's a matter of what's best for YOU right now.

I wish I could do more, but all I can do is offer my support and understanding. If you can find someone to talk this over with (professional or not, they just need to be kind and understanding), that may or may not help you get over some of the fear. My advice is simply as stated above: if this is too much, then don't do it. Your well-being matters.

Best.

Paraphrased from the video "Tomorrowland"...
Father giving advice to daughter:
2 wolves, a white one and a black one, get into a fight. Which one wins? Answer: the one you feed.

Find some positives to get involved in. Good luck.

I don't have time to reply, but want you to know RfM is here for you and many posters are sending good thoughts.

I'm sorry you are going through so many tough things rights now. There comes a point where it gets to many of us and things keep piling up to the point that we've had enough. No matter the odds of being caught in a terrorist attack or something else, it is still scary to think about and it affects people differently.

From what you said, taking a break from some things should help you reduce some of your anxiety. I've had trouble with anxiety and sometimes it pops up out of no where and exeriencing it can be awful. Take care of yourself and do what you need to do to reduce the stress. I have a hobby I love but there are people that seem to excel at making trouble for others for no real reason other than they want to be in charge or control things. I've had to step back a number of times and stop the social aspect of my hobby and do things on my own, or with a few close friends that don't make trouble.

I hope you start to feel better. Tackling issues is harder if you're not feeling well (it is for me anyway). Taking some time to take it easy sounds like it might help. All the best to you.

Sorry to read about your tough time lately. I wish you well.

On the point about having some posts scrubbed from the site: some folks here have taken that as a compliment. Know this much, it's not personal. We're in excellent hands here on RfM. Susan I/S and the moderators now have proven themselves more than fair many times. I know, I get scrubbed from time to time. I've been scrubbed from other sites, too. But RfM is by far the fairest and most even-handed, and from my experience it's never personal. Trust in that.

Cheers to you verilyverily,

Human

I will miss you, verilyverily--you are one of my favorite posters here! You give good advice to others, and I follow it myself. I usually agree with you.

Yes--you are one of the few, besides myself that are outspoken about the Mormon cult being evil! I feel you are an ally. I told my stories here, about how I sensed the presence of evil, every time I went to the temple. I have PTSD, so I know about fear and anxiety, and it is no picnic. I manage to hide it from others, and it is a lonely ordeal. I learned to not expect sympathy from anyone who doesn't have an anxiety disorder.

I hope you don't separate yourself from RFM. We are a rare breed of "friends" who are here for you at all hours of the day or night. (My anxiety and pain are always worse late at night.) I understand your feelings of isolation and rejection--and I think the Mormons' EVIL shunning has probably added to this. PTSD makes you feel like everyone else on the boat is dancing and playing and having a great time, and you are the only one who is wearing a life jacket and sitting in the lifeboat and trying not to scream hysterically.

There are a lot of us here in the lifeboat. At BYU, my roommate's fiancee tried to force-rape me (not date rape) in my own apartment, and broke my arm. My screams brought 3 people to my rescue. My temple husband beat me and almost killed me, in our home. The most dangerous place for a woman is her own home. Alone, she is most likely to be injured in the bathroom. If she is assaulted or murdered, the perp is most likely her own husband or lover, at home. Those are my fears.

Your fears are just as well-founded as mine. I also fear pain. I'm so sorry you have pain--no wonder you feel depressed. I don't believe people are that insensitive, that they would hold your weaknesses against you. We are not "perfectionist, judgmental Mormons" anymore. Honest, we're not!

My posts have been removed, too, and it was usually for political reasons. Whenever I've whined and complained, RFM has offered me HELP. You have been one of the ones who has helped me. We need you!

You have every right to be concerned! I've worked many events both as a musician and also on the other side in catering. Even the high security events (superbowl, papal visit, rock shows etc) could quickly be infiltrated by some outside the box nutjob. I find if you take a few minutes before the job, or even the day before, to investigate where the loading dock is located as well as stairwells vs. elevators to get to the non-public back exit can help your peace of mind. Having a cordial relationship with the catering and custodial staff is a must also.
Some board members might be confusing a hobby where you perform for an audience and get artistic fulfillment with work as a musician when you have to suck it up and sacrifice your own holiday season for an extra few thousand dollars in a short period of time. In most of my highest paying jobs the music is little more than wallpaper.

Verilyverily, if it's any comfort, we've all had posts or responses taken down. I try not to get too "married" to anything I write. I've been a board admin before on another site and I know that it is hard *work,* and often thankless, so I always try to keep that in mind. The admins work hard to keep a safe place for everyone here, and if there are a few casualty posts along the way, so be it, IMO.

It sounds like you are suffering from anxiety. You might want to talk to your physician about it, and see if he can perhaps find a way to help get you through the holiday season. Fears grounded in anxiety are not always rational, but they are real enough to the one who suffers them.

Many long time members have had to take breaks from the board from time to time. If you need to take a break, know that we all wish you well.

I feel you are very right to be concerned over these high profile events. Statistics show the number of "active shooter" incidents is on the rise rather than on the decline, according to the news. I think having a good 'Plan B' in place, where you've checked out the service elevators and become chummy with the kitchen and wait staff is just a common sense prudent thing to do. Just because your feeling a little parinoid doesn't mean there isn't someone out to getcha! And taking steps to look out for youself should help lower your depression.

As for your depression - get help! Don't suffer through it alone. In my own humble experience in only gets deeper and starts to feed back on itself and becomes self-perpetuating.

Be active, start another career on entertain a hobby. Staying busy will help fight the depression. If you feel taking a break from RfM will help you, then maybe just lurk for a couple of months. Do what it takes to make you stronger and healthier. My prayers go out to you! Be Well.

What helped me the other day, as I've also been feeling extremely "hopeless" is forcing myself to go to put up my disabled brother's Christmas tree at my deceased parents' home on the 7th anniversary of my mother's death. I was going to change the flowers on my parents' grave. AND of all things, I forgot everything. Getting my 2 puppies in the car without problem was too much effort and I left the flowers and all the decorations home. I went to the store and bought new tree decorations. I listened to the Christmas music my mother loved. I was so depressed about having to do this and just getting in the car and driving helped me a lot. I'm not in the greatest of moods today either. I am in no mood to decorate for Christmas here. My tree is standing in the front room and I don't feel like putting lights on it.

I've lost a dog this year. My daughter backed out on her marriage a few days before it happened and moved to Tennessee and won't be home for Christmas this year for the 1st time. I have had shingles/postherpetic neuralgia for 5 months now. I work long hours today and tomorrow.

Yes, we have all had posts removed. You add a lot to this board and you leaving will have an impact. Again, you will be missed.

P.S. I forgot to add that this policy really was a knife to the heart for me and somehow I've gotten through it. It as though the abusers from my past reached out and abused me yet again, said my kids are less than, yet they told me to marry someone gay. Go figure. I found that it was the mormons who were my friends and his family who were making me the most upset, just accepting it as though it didn't matter that MY KIDS would be hurt especially since my daughter is TBM. But then my sisters, who I do have issues with on and off, came through. I think this is the catalyst for my older sister to finally leave the church. Other than one disabled sibling, that makes 5 of 6 kids of my parents who have left. When I finally asked my sisters, I felt so much better. They are furious, sickened by all this. But it hit DEEP for me. And I cut off his sister and my best friend of 30 years, cut them completely out of my life, and I also called them both out on it.

I'll voice again, like others have said, your input will be missed. You are honest and angry, and you do voice many things I feel. Take a break, a breather, but please do come back when you feel better.

I put all the lights on my tree this morning after I wrote the post above. I'm decorating this year for my mother and my grandmother, who both love Christmas.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 12/05/2015 05:35PM by cl2.

I used to have panic attacks, sometimes about my health. During those times, what helped me, was to remember that I could just be hit by a bus or something someday. I knew I was more likely to be hurt or killed by something I hadn't forseen or expected than whatever I was worried about. Most likely a car accident or something. But we can't stop travelling in cars, or walking on the sidewalk. We have to live. In spite of school shootings, I send my daughter to school every day. There are tons of schools, just as there are tons of events where huge masses of people are gathered. Think of all the sporting events, concerts, schools, movies, huge work buildings. The odds of getting hurt or killed at them is statistically very small.

The point of terrorism is to cause terror and fear. So there is a super-scary element in it all. But what are we going to do - sit home, never go to a gathering or movie or marathon or concert, never send our kids to school? To me, living that way for years would be even worse than getting killed. At least death is natural, it happens to everyone at some point, sooner or later. And I think the way you stand up against the CULT as you say :) - is going to enable you to stand. To enable you to be strong and go out there and do what you want to do despite your fear. You may not feel so strong right away, but I think you will in time.

I'm here for you if you want to talk. ((( ))) cyberhugs!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/05/2015 10:09AM by KiNeverMo.

I don't hear any whining. I always like your posts because you don't mince words. You shoot from the hip and whether I always agree or not, I like to see the whole gamut of responses and yours add some pepper here and there.

I get paranoid sometimes about things and let my mind run rampant and the fear starts feeding itself until I am consumed. Part of us knows that it is not realistic to do that. But it's like potato chips, its hard to stop.

It's sort of like when you are stuck with family who are going on and on about Mormonism and callings and whatever and you want to change the subject so badly because you are annoyed and bored and can't take another second of it, but they keep bringing it back to the same old thing--the cult. Sometimes evil for sure.

I have started practicing changing channels, changing the subject in my thoughts and I am getting better at it. This is going to sound weird but I wave my hand in front of my face as a mental signal and then I think of something else that will engage my thoughts. Every time I start to think of the wrong subject again I wave my hand in front of my face and repeat. Wacky. Yes. But it is working for me when I get obsessive.

I've been thinking of giving myself a treat whenever I am successful at it, just like training a dog. Kidding!

Hoping things get better for you. Stick around.

Well that sucks because I've really like your posts as of late. I appreciate your anger at the cult. You verbalize, what a lot if us are probably feeling.

We didn't walk away from a religion, we escaped from a cult, and its victimization, which is a really hard thing to do and recover from.

It still continues to operate as a cult.

It is devoid of integrity and empathy.

The world is becoming more aware and empathetic of people that are ill, people the have mental illness, people of different races and cultures, people of different sexual orientation....

And yet the cult decides to victimize children.

I like your contrast. As the world moves toward integrity and empathy, the Mormon church moves away from those things--if its even possible for them to get further away.

I really look forward to your posts, verily. You have much to contribute, and do so with integrity.

Hopefully you'll reconsider. It may be that your depression is messing with your mind right now, and you're not seeing things as clearly as you will once it's been treated.

As for experiencing some ongoing fears of what's happening around the globe that is justifiable, given how sporadic and spontaneous these events are occurring, and as newscasters point out - at 'soft targets.'

Each one of us is potentially a sitting duck for these evil thugs.

What else is happening is a collective PTSD, IMO. People suffer from low grade to medium grade to perhaps full blown paranoia from hearing about and witnessing these events on national and international news sources day in and day out.

Since the tragedy at Columbine, and the events of 9/11 I've seen it with my own family. There is some Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome associated with these events that can affect any one of us, and the more sensitive we are the more sensitized we become. What worries me more than the trauma of witnessing these events over and over is our becoming desensitized to the atrocities.

My advice is to stay with what's tried and true for you, and what you find working for you. Don't stop your regular routine out of fear, unless it is uncontrollable. And by all means, listen to your intuition, just try to distinguish it from unfounded paranoia. We shouldn't let the terrorist thugs dictate where we go, what events we attend, or whom we associate with. That would be giving them what they want, is our fear.

Hopefully you'll figure things out, and find your inner strength once again. ((((sending warm fuzzies and well wishes))))

I dreamed I won the lottery and living easy the rest of my life but then I woke up . Take 10 deep breaths and relax.

Sounds like you are experiencing an overwhelming amount of difficult things---fear, pain, depression----that are hitting at the same time. I can relate. Please do whatever will help give you some relief. I know that with myself this often means I have to experiment.

Know that your posts have been important to me, and I am grateful for your sharing your feelings. Your voice declaring that you feel the cult is evil is the same as mine and company is always a plus in my book. There is strength and support in numbers, especially numbers with integrity and you do have integrity.

Do take care of yourself first and foremost. Sending care and hugs.

I'm sorry for what you are going through. As far as the injury, I don't know if this would be helpful (I don't play strings, but I'm assuming you might from your injury). But this type of training has been helpful to me on my instrument.

http://www.sophietill.com/testimonials.html

Having dealt with injuries, from both regular life and practicing an instrument, I know it can really bring you down. I've also known several people with chronic pain. It limits your ability to function and enjoy life, and there is definitely a connection between mood and pain.

Take care.

Thank you for the heads up on Sophie Till!

You know best, but I think your dream (and your fears about performance spaces) might be not about real-life shooting/terrorism but symbolic of the feelings you have right now of vulnerability given your present circumstances. Those circumstances will not hold steady. Everything is in flux, everything is changing - a good thing to remember in good times and bad.

Back to the dream: it's a stress dream. The chances of any shooting or attacks at your upcoming venues are vanishingly small. There will be tens of thousands of events this month. There may be random shooting of some kind at one of them (or not). The chance of it occurring where you happen to be is extremely remote. I don't suppose that helps! Human beings have evolved to overestimate danger.

While your life sorts itself out, just keep breathing. Hope you feel at least a little more at peace some time soon.

I'm sorry you've got a lot of tough things to deal with. I'm glad we can all talk about things and get advice here. You never know who you're helping by sharing what you're going through. I hope you keep posting. (You made me laugh with the Christmas sweaters!)

Try some relaxation videos. There are some on YouTube.

And we will be here for you. :o))

(((((Verily)))) I always enjoy reading what you have to say.
I know how physical pain and disabilities can get one down. Been there and done that. Oh, and I've had posts taken down. It's ok. It happens to many of us, and it's not personal.
Take care of yourself, VV, and if you need to vent, we are here for you.
Love,
Aquarius

Dear VV,

I'm sorry you're in pain and dealing with anxiety.

If you haven't done so, locate a pain management team through your insurance. Most people aren't aware they exist. Credible effective pain management is run by an anesthesiologist.

Epidural steroid injections-done with guided xray up to 4x a year, plus shoulders. Tens unit (electrical pulses to distract/break pain cycle). Biofeedback... Adequate pain medication of all types. Ask for compounded pain gel from a compounding pharmacy-4 ingredients. There are ergonomic aids to function easier...

Over the counter, try Biofreeze, Capsasian cream, pain patches. If the joint is warm to the touch, ice will help temporarily. Try a round of Ibuprofin/NSAIDS at the highest dose for a few days- be sure to eat regularly.

If you haven't had xrays, start there. It could be end stage (knee replacements like me) or injections in your knees/shoulder could buy some time. Make sure nothing else is going on. Get an inflammation blood test/entire blood work tests from a rheumatologist.

Biofeedback could help the anxiety. Also, youtube has calming music, relaxation, guided meditation... up to 8 hours. Some are horrible, some are great. There are even adult type bedtime stories-if you put the volume low/keep the tablet light on dim, the stories meander and you fall asleep.

I feel your pain (literally). My 2nd knee was replaced two weeks ago. I'm considered very young for such drastic measures. My surgeon was excellent-sports medicine. They improve the function of knee joints every year. You're not alone.

((Healing hugs))