I already posted on the other thread about my boyfriend having a serious illness..and our ups and downs. He did come back to our relationship, but then freaked out again and decided he doesn't have the health, time and energy to be committed to our relationship.

At first I was so hurt, and painfully spinning in my head. But I get it. My head can wrap around it and understand logically why he feels he needs to make this choice I wish it were a different one.

My heart on the other hand. Disagrees and is curled up in the corner like a junkie who just got cut off heroin. The love we had together was this amazing blissful high. Friends keep telling me how lucky I am to have had that experience. Sometimes I nod and smile and feel so blessed. Sometimes I want to break things. Sometimes I yell at God. Sometimes I think that I am the butt of some cosmic joke. Sure, give me EVERYTHING Ive ever wanted in a relationship..and in one swoop...its gone.

One of my dearest friends died about this time of year in the past. So this is a time of loss for me. I don't remember what its like to have a happy Christmas for years. I was looking forward to snuggling up with my bf and exchanging gifts and a mistletoe kiss.

I know he is hurting too and Im so glad he has the support of friends and family that he is letting in. We were almost at that point where I was going to be introduced to them...that gone, so I don't know them either really.

I can see how life just became suddenly so fragile and he is holding on to the things he knows best. He couldn't see a viable future between us...or at least not now and he doesn't want me waiting until the prognosis is better.

Right now, I am just trying to function. Im making myself get good sleep. Im trying to eat and stay well. Im looking into getting a massage soon. The new year will include a gift to me for the gym. I will continue with just loving myself as well as I can. I know this relationship didn't end because I did anything wrong or lack anything. I know he loves me, he just can't be with me.

Anyone who tells me "It is better to have loved and lost...." is going to get punched in the face right now.

I guess I just need to mourn it out...but Im wondering how many tears I have left in me? Ive been thru worse (my LDS abuse, my abusive ex husband, a stalker, my own health scares, etc) and came out just fine. Logic tells me I will be just fine.

There was a moment the other day in a movie where two ladies are talking to each other about a breakup. One friend asks the other, "Do you miss him?"
She answers, "Every single day".

I lost it in a flood of tears. I miss my love.

RMM

The world is full of sadness. No one is immune. Treasure the happy moments that you found.

It takes time to grieve and mourn a lost love.

There is no one right way to grieve, let alone a set timetable.

So sorry for your loss.

Hugs and well wishes winging your way.

I'm sorry that you are hurting. Take the "resting" time of the year to focus on the basics (good nutrition, exercise, and adequate sleep.) This is the time to take care of you.

Get yourself a dog or a cat. They make good best friends and its always unconditional! If you have the time, a puppy or a kitten. Either will keep you busy and make you laugh. The shelters need homes for so many animals too.
They also make loneliness take a hike!

You are very strong. I'm glad you are clear eyed and taking good care of yourself. One day at a time...

Hi RMM,

I am sorry for your loss of love, and the deep hurt that causes.

You don't know me, and I don't post hardly at all, but I have read most of your posts, as they have been very valuable to me as I have dealt with my own relationship struggles. Please know that what you posts are appreciated and valuable. I have always admired your grit and courage.

Got two dogs and one is a rescue:) Love my furry children. I have been diving into my job, my kids, my journal. Today was a better day.

And thanks Thor..hang in there. As crappy as this is, I know there is light at the end of the tunnel and its not a train....

Somehow I always find the courage to stand back up. IM looking forward to the day where I stop thinking of him 24/7.

Today I cried less and I don't feel like breaking things. I guess Im coming back to my regular senses.

RMM

Molly, since we are all anon on this forum, can you tell us what his disease is?

Short answer:No
Why? It not relevant to my post and its also a private identifying factor to his ID. I also work in the medical field and have been conditioned to not share those details. My post is about emotions involved-not the diagnosis.

His condition will effect him the rest of his life and his quality of life. He is extremely depressed and wants to be left alone to his immediate family.

I am the "new kid" in the picture of his life. He just doesn't have the emotional capacity to love me the way he feels I should be. I don't expect perfect and I can see he feels he has failed me. I don't want to feel like Im holding my hand out pleading for him to show me attention. He will beat himself up if he doesn't.

The best way to show him my love is give him exactly what he asked for. He gave me exactly what I requested if we should ever break up. I respect him for doing something so difficult. He was honest, kind, gracious and gave me all the time I needed to just cry with him. Incredibly difficult, but incredibly loving.

As far as breakups go, this was my favorite.
I have had some nasty breakups. This was my first where the two of us were still deeply in love, but unable to go thru the storm together. (I wanted to, but he wasn't willing for me to join him)

One day at a time,
RMM

I'm so sad that this pain has come into your life. I don't have a lot of advice, especially since it sounds like you already know everything that you need to know to get through this. And to come out the other side with your strength and courage intact.

Take it from me, you are *not* too old to start over again and make a great life for yourself.

I hope that you get through the grieving time quickly, and that you can see the light at the end of the tunnel getting brighter every moment. When you're feeling down, remember that most of us have been there, for one reason or another. So we understand how you feel. We all are rooting for you to heal.

We all will celebrate with you when life feels better to you.

I'm so sorry.

I just went through the same thing last month but I was the guy who broke it off. I decided to move back to Utah to take over the family farm and watch over my parents. I know for a fact that she would have dropped everything to move across the country with me but I just couldn't do it. We had been dating for about a year and it was too soon for me. I started distancing myself from her when I decided to move home and when we finally broke up I completely shattered her heart.

I was everything she wanted in a man but I ultimately knew I couldn't be that person for her. It was hard to see how everything played out between us and I feel terrible about how it all ended. I feel bad that I couldn't give back the same love that she gave me.

My only hope is that a few years down the road she'll find someone better for her and we can look back on our relationship and be glad it didn't work out between us. At least that's what I keep telling myself.

I'm really, really sorry you're going through this. Although I am on the other end of this, I feel the pain of knowing I couldn't love someone as much as they deserved to be loved. I hope you get through this sooner rather than later.

I'm sorry, Molly. Sending you a hundred cyber-hugs...