I guess this is a good example of not being able to say no. I have a christmas dinner on christmas eve, and two dinners on christmas day, and I will be rushing to all three, and bringing a side-dish to all three.

People who host and cook for christmas want to hear that the meal they cooked was delicious, and want to receive accolades and acknowledgement for the work and effort they put in. Except, I didn't ask them to put in that effort.

They expect the whole family to show up and participate (side-dish or dessert), and they feel rejected if a person says no and doesn't want to come.

You're seen as a scrooge or someone who's ruining all the christmas fun if you don't participate in these "family traditions".

So I said yes. TO ALL THREE. Because I have no boundaries, LOL.

This year is what it is, but what advice can you give me for next year? I almost feel like I have to start planning now to be able to be brave enough to say no by Dec 25TH 2016.

I was in that situation a long time ago. At the second dinner in the same day I started sneaking food into my jacket pockets and then flushed it down the toilet. I was so full I could barely keep from throwing up and they just kept bringing more and more food and saying you absolutely HAVE to try this and acting all hurt when you didn't want seconds. And, there was still dessert.

In the end you have to choose. You can make them happy or you can make yourself happy. When I left the Mormon church it was because for the first time in my life I chose me. I choose me now. I like not living up to anyone's expectations but my own.

In to every life a little rain must fall. No?

But in all honesty--it is not your job to make the whole world happy. You have a whole year to come up with the perfect excuse.

I like to say I'm having an extremely difficult personal problem and hope they understand that I need to deal with it. If they don't accept that, then you should be angry at them for only thinking of themselves in your time of need and that will fuel your resolve to not accept the invitation. Tell them you would appreciate their prayers. That will clinch the deal.

There is no reason to tell them that the dire personal problem you are referring to is them and their dinner. :)

I'll take one; I have zero this year! LOL

Alternate them -- agree to one the first year and tell them you'll alternate the next.

LOL, you can have two, GC!

And wow, blueorchid, you were really putting food in your pockets? I guess I am not too far away from that.

Thanks for the replies. I do need to choose me.

The other reason I don't like to do the family dinners is that they are fraught with disordered eating. Some people are really into eating "clean", and won't even TRY something that one of my elderly aunts cooked, and I know it took a lot for them to cook! Just be nice and try a bite! And then other people, it's like the whole point of the holiday is to purposely over-eat, and then shame yourself for over-eating. And then other people will go jog five miles to "earn" their dinner, as if you have to earn food. It's like oxygen, you need it to live, whether you think you've "earned it" or not!

It's too much, I can't take it. By participating in these dinners, I feel like I am enabling eating disorders.

If I could spend christmas alone, I would walk my dogs and then have a regular dinner of whatever was in the fridge. It would be peaceful and non-judgemental and non-disordered.

If I say no next year, I can't tell them I prefer to spend christmas alone. They will definitely get their feelings hurt. Should I make up a lie? Should I wrap it in a half-truth, like, "I have plans?"

The way for them not to get their feelings hurt (not too much, anyway)

Next year: Sorry I don't feel well, I am going to stay home my pajamas and drink hot cocoa

The year after: I enjoyed staying home in my pajamas so much last year, I am going to keep doing it. It is now my Christmas tradition

Always plan a holiday trip somewhere tropical. Works every time. Sorry, I can't come, I'll be drinking from coconuts on a beach instead. Book way in advance. Also be out of town for every major holiday. Even if out of town is a motel 6 two towns over.

For this Christmas spend some quality time decorating your bathroom.

Pull in a TV.
Add a drink fridge.
Install a heated seat.
Add in surround sound.
Light some scented candles.

Pushing out three Christmas dinners takes time. You might as well be comfortable.

For next Christmas:

Say you'll host one if you like to work.

Travel to someplace nice and warm.

Or my preferred method: Stop being so nice and have fun being a mean bastard the entire year.

Remember the good ones die young. The nasty old buggers stick around forever. Live long and prosper.

You've inadvertently been handed a convenient excuse to avoid going, although maybe you don't realize it. It's passive-aggressive, but it will give you some needed practice in standing up for yourself.

You're expected to bring a side dish. Here's what you do: Don't prepare one. Do nothing. (If you've already made them, eat them yourself.) Then, you have two ways to play it:

(a) At the very last minute, i.e., the time you're supposed to leave home for the dinner, call them and explain "I'm sorry, but I wasn't able to make a side dish. Should I still show up?" Maybe you'll be told not to bother, and you're free. At the worst, you attend, but you didn't have to do anything for it; you show a measure of independence and gain a small victory.

(b) Don't even attend. When they call to complain or express their disapproval, say "I didn't get a side dish made in time, and I thought you wouldn't want me to show up without one." This will most likely put them on the defensive and, in any case, it will be too late for them to do anything about it.

And stop worrying about hurting Mormons' feelings. Do you really think they're concerned in the least with yours? Their feelings have been hurt before, and they're still alive. They'll get over it this time too.

Snowy, your situation is all to familiar. You can always claim a sick day to that winter bug (several to choose from). Especially if you have recently been around kids during the holiday. Happy Family meetings from me..your welcome :0

My DH and I wish we had ONE to go to. One person's misery is another's fantasy.

We'll be hosting our own Christmas dinner for family only.

Some neighbors want to get together for some dinner on the weekend. I'd rather avoid it but the wife wants to get to know them. I could care less.

Could I go to one of the ones that you are going to for you? I'm also working 6 hours that day.

My ex future son-in-law might be coming over to fix dinner. He is coming over, but I'm not sure about fixing dinner.

I have a weird group of people for holidays these days. Since my daughter chooses to be out of state this Christmas (so we met her at Disneyland for 3 days last week), I have the guy she stood up at the alter coming over with his 3 children, my disabled brother, my boyfriend, my "ex," and my son. And my sister who is broken up with her boyfriend again.

Who ever thought?

Wow cl2. I would record this. Sounds like a perfect set up for getting a screenplay for next years big Holiday Movie.

I have people from most of these same categories in my life. I can only imagine what it would be like to have them all over for dinner.

Verily, you can come to our house!!!!
I agree with your assessment.. Having 3 places to go sounds nice to me!

When you're vomiting into your toilet after the second dinner, you will have the perfect excuse not to go to the third.

I've been doing that this year, but not all in one day. The dinner that had Mormons attending was Monday at my mom's house in the Vegas area since her husband's family tends to go to Utah, and my brother and I are from California. My brother is having dinner on Christmas Eve, and my dad is having something for Christmas Day.

Is one of my favorites, but maybe not for family who are more likely to ask, "Oh really, what?" Then I can still be honest and say, "I really need to be at home at time."

One Christmas eve and one Christmas day doesn't sound too bad. Is one Christmas day a lunch and the other a dinner?

You wanted advice for next year. Ya gotta stand up for yourself. "I know you will be disappointed, however, I just cannot be there this year?" No, still they are going to ask why.

Let's try, "I only plan to attend one family dinner this holiday and I am already booked." If they seriously beg and you would like to see everyone who is at the dinner you are not attending, can you offer to stop by an hour or so after dinner and say hello and Merry Christmas?

And - are we related?

Nope. I'm 70 years young and everyone comes to my house and I stay put. Christmas Eve is my busy night with two services in which to sing. Christmas is laid back with a morning brunch and sandwiches later in the day. If the grands and great grands get too loud I'll just head out to the patio and smoke my pipe in peace. Oh, there will be mimosas and wine with brunch and smoke later on the patio. It's supposed to be in the seventies this Christmas.