I'm really bad at reading people, but I've always struggled with really nosy Ward members and as a result, I've become pretty cold, detached and borderline hostile to people at Church. In the past, when I shared my deep feelings and struggles with them, they turned it around and completely betrayed my trust.

But, sometimes the nosiness isn't that serious. For instance, today this lady asked me if I cook for my mom. And I was like "uh, no?" and she kept asking why not and trying to imply that my mom should make me cook on a set day every week. I told her that we don't eat the same things (I do a lot of weight lifting and swimming and my mom is always on a really strict diet, so there's no way we're eating the same things). Her response was a really curt "Hmm. Fascinating" before walking off.

And stuff like this happens on a weekly basis. People constantly offer unsolicited advice. I had a lady chastise me for not being in Institute. And people always make comments about why I'm not in the singles ward, etc.

I don't know if I'm being paranoid or not, but I'm starting to feel like they aren't doing it out of love. It feels like they're intentionally trying to make me feel like garbage so I'll do what they want.

They do it because it's fun and interesting to discuss mistakes they think others make. They love to kick anyone who is down and out. If that's not possible, they'll pick on anyone who is younger or who they think needs to be knocked down to size.

They explain it away by saying they're trying to help. Nope, they're trying to seem important and in the middle of things.

That's so disheartening. It's like none of them are even true friends, even though we've known each other for years and years. Some Ward family.

That's just it. They believe they're "like family" and feel it is their duty to be in your business and tell you what you're doing wrong according to them. They don't even comprehend the idea of boundaries.

Just as in many families, there is competition, to get *dad* to love them best, and tearing you down is seen as an advantage. It's not personal that they love themselves more than they love you!

They're just nosy and gossipy. The church runs itself, through all age groups, by sanctioning gossip, i.e. talking about others' behind their backs.

Think about it...it starts when the youth enter presidencies (Deacons, Teachers, Priests, Beehives, MiaMaids and Laurels). They learn to talk about who is there and who isn't, etc. The talk is not always positive and flattering of the individual being discussed.

The same gossip is found in the full time missionary program. They talk vociferously among themselves and then report only the information that their district leader, zone leader and local ward mission leader wants to hear.

The same gossip is found in primary and relief society presidencies, in EQ and HP presidencies, in bishoprics, in the high council and stake presidencies. It's found in full time mission presidencies too.

Once you have come up the ranks (often from birth) with this mindset, it's practically impossible NOT to gossip. Why? Because LDS Inc. has sanctioned the process as a way to get you to control others and be controlled.

Some folks are kind, and others aren't. But generally I find that people only care about you when they are TOLD to do so because of their calling. Once they're released, you're dropped and someone else takes over.

Sad isn't it? All in the name of trying to climb the ladder of Mormon perfection and to be looked upon favorably by other TBM peers.

For years I have lived with this moto..."The less they know, the less they can criticize and control." The same goes for nosy family members who shun me and gossip negatively behind my back. Adios!

Love the play on words...malevolent/benevolent

They are being MORMONS!

RB

They're not being benevolent.

"I had a lady chastise me for not being in Institute. And people always make comments about why I'm not in the singles ward, etc."

Here are a couple of my standard responses for people like that:
1. "Go tell someone who cares what you think."
2. "That would bother me if I actually respected your opinions."

Mormons aren't accustomed to direct pushback like that. I've used these on non-Mos and they never fail to shut the lectures down.

----

"I'm starting to feel like they aren't doing it out of love."

That's exactly right; you're one for one…

"It feels like they're intentionally trying to make me feel like garbage so I'll do what they want."

…and now two for two. See, you're not bad at reading people after all!

Everyone is correct. I have the same motto concerning Mormons as jiminycricket has: "The less they know, the less ammunition they will have to use against you."

Yes, it is malevolent.

If they find out you make a lot of money, they try to make you donate more, and criticize you for putting career ahead of the church, etc.

If they find out you are living with your mother, they will nit-pick about stupid things like cooking or going to a singles ward. Instead they should compliment you for having such a good relationship with your mother, that you can live together. You seem to have some good routines that work for you both--and that busybody was trying to stir things up!

I think that most nosy critics don't really like themselves. They probably criticize themselves and are criticized by their Mormon spouses and Mormon friends, and they are just passing it along to you. The Mormons and the cult made me feel like I was a failure--because I was divorced. After I left, a therapist helped me realize that I'm actually very successful. I was happy being single, and never wanted to try marriage again. My children are happy, too, and have done well in life.

What I'm saying, is that jealousy has a lot do to with back-handed insults like that woman threw at you. Maybe her children don't speak to her, or live far away, and she's jealous of your mother's good relationship with you. Maybe you are doing something better with your life than wasting it on a mission, and they might be jealous of that. Maybe you are good looking. People choose the most stupid things to be jealous of. When I got divorced, my TBM SIL confessed to me that she was always jealous of me--WHY? She said she envied my musical ability, and that I was thin. That makes no sense. She was wealthy and popular and was RS president, etc.

If you aren't a jealous person yourself, you may have a hard time understanding this. Are you happy? Physically fit? Maybe this woman's son isn't as popular as you are--it could be anything that set her off.

Or, it could be nothing. It could be all about her, needing to lift herself up by putting someone else down, and you happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.

So--I gave up wondering why. Yes, there are a lot of rude people in the rude Mormon religion. So, decide how you're going to respond, so next time, you will know what to say? For example, you could have asked "Why is our cooking schedule so fascinating to you?" or "Why are you asking me this question." or, just smile and ignore the comments, and say, "We're doing great! How are you doing?"

Ya gotta have a thick skin, when you deal with Mormons.

Unsolicited advice (or in this case orders) are rarely if ever coming from the point of benevolence.

People have a right to live their life as they see fit without outside interference, unless they are breaking the law or otherwise harming someone else.

Yup all true imo...ron can back me up here i think....there are no meaner towns in southern alberta than cardston raymond and magrath...not sure which of the last two are worse but heaven help some poor kid at school if hes not big name mo...or old line blood...most couldnt smell their septic tank if they fell right into it..self righteous back stabbers at their finest...geez most of em even practice the utah drawl of sanctimony

My coworker has a great pushback one-liner for that behavior: He simply replies: "Worry about yourself."

xe Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I don't know if I'm being paranoid or not, but I'm
> starting to feel like they aren't doing it out of
> love. It feels like they're intentionally trying
> to make me feel like garbage so I'll do what they
> want.

You're not being paranoid, and they were *never* doing it out of "love."

They're using peer pressure and shaming and manipulation to try and get you to conform to what they think are "mormon norms," and not be different or an individual.

It's never "love." People with love ask how you're doing, relish in things you love to do (even if THEY don't do them), and are just happy if you're happy. None of that in what they do.

"I don't know if I'm being paranoid or not, . . "

No, not paranoid. Especially since asking the question.


". . . but I'm starting to feel like they aren't doing it out of love."

Bingo!

Voyeurism, lack of boundaries, a pathological need to compare.
Without comparison, they have no idea who they are.
Because there is inside nothing real; no depth. No genuine "self."

Thanks to the corporation.

Best advice anyone ever gave me - you don't have to answer every question you are asked. You can change the subject, walk away, confuse the heck out of them by asking a question back (like - why, do you cook for your mom?)

With the morgbots, it's all about manipulation and control. Don't let them do it if you can. Don't engage.

How many times have even well-intentioned people been extremely annoying? If you don't like it, it doesn't really matter what their intentions. You would be justified in shutting down the nosiness.

Answer nosy questions with "why do you ask?" If they give you an answer, then ask another question like "why is that your concern?"

Or just say "When I want advice, I'll ask for it".