So, new to the forum, been reading a lot and I'm hoping that sharing my story might help myself and maybe someone else.

I've been living for 5 years common-law with a woman who is still married to her abusive ex-husband. To make a long story short on that issue. On the advice of her lawyer, since her husband doesn't currently have visitation and the divorce and visitation are combined in this case, it was best to just hold it off until the kids could choose for themselves if they wanted to see their dad again. Problem is, I live in Alberta, Canada and there's no set age they can choose this as minors, they have to be 18 so we were looking at a long wait for her to finally get her divorce.

Anyway, Living with this woman and her family for 5 years. I brought them into my heart and home completely. She lets me know early on that if we were ever to get married it would have to be a temple wedding. Fine, I didn't quite know what that meant at the time, so we kind of coast on the whole faith thing for a few years and just be a family. It wasn't always easy, remember they ran from a man who abused her and the kids, but we all did what we could to help with the healing process.

After a while she wants to go to church again and eventually I start going too, and with the love bomb that I got from being an investigator, within 6 months I'm getting baptized in the church.

Before I became a member though I had a very long talk with the Bishop about my living situation. After all, it's not the poster perfect version of the Mormon family. He assures me that it's alright as long as we intend to get married in the church (we did) and the physical "relations" had to end (we did, but MAN was that hard). As long as that's the case there's nothing that will prevent me and my common law from moving onward and upward in the church. I even get a calling the week after my baptism so everything seems great.

Here's the rub, my common-law (who has been a life long member, so a TBM) is hurt and confused I would get a calling and she wouldn't so she approaches the Bishop asking what she can do to get one. He tells her in no uncertain terms that she needs to move herself and her kids out and only then it would be considered. So without my knowledge and with the Bishop/Ward's help and blessing gets a new place and drops the bomb on me that she's taking everyone I love away. She tells me the Bishop threatened her with excommunication, but that she still loves me and doesn't want to break up. I fall for it like a sap but eventually the real truth came and we are no longer together after 5 months living in what feels like Limbo, the family I love no longer with me. She originally told me the Bishop threatened her because she was afraid I'd dump her if I found out it was because she wanted her full temple recommend and callings (she was right).

During these 5 months I attempted several times to contact the Bishop to ask why the sudden reversal? Why was everything OK BEFORE I became a member and suddenly not anymore. Not one message or attempt to talk goes answered. The few times I saw him in person he wouldn't even acknowledge me or look me in the eye. Yes, my Ex lied to me, but why couldn't the Bishop contact me even once. The behavior just seeemed to justify her story, dude didn't want to face me for threatening his ward member. Turns out for whatever reason I wasn't worth talking to, my guess is because I wanted to confront him about the bait and switch he pulled on me.

My question is this... What kind of religion requires a family (if unconventional according to the faith) to split apart? I've looked all over and the only other "religions" I was able to find that did anything like this were various cults.

I even have the missionary who baptized me, e-mailing me 3-4 times a week calling me a liar because this could not have happened so I have to be lying. Needless to say, I'm not an active member anymore and am in the process of having myself excommunicated.

Now my ex has been offered a calling and is on the way to getting her full temple recommend. So a dishonest person is being "rewarded" with the full knowledge of her actions by her leadership. The best part, because she had the blessing of the Bishop she doesn't feel any guilt over what happened. As far as I'm concerned the whole lying lot deserve each other.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/05/2016 06:23PM by northaltexmormon.

"...various cults."

Yup, that's it in a nutshell..

I am sorry that you went through that. Yes, this is exactly the type of thing that the idiot cult does. It is has a long history of doing this type of destructive crap.

And that's why it is actually a cult, in spite of their protests to the contrary. You've come face-to-face with that cult mindset.

"Family" to mormons means one thing, and one thing only:
TR-holding, priesthood holding father. TR-holding, obedient to her husband mother. They're married in the temple. Kids who are active, straight, and obedient.

Anything else, and it's not a "family" to them.
You upset the apple cart. You were different.
Different is bad to them. To them, you weren't a family. So in their mind, there was no "family" to break up. That lets them justify all sorts of obnoxious, nasty things that hurt people.

I wish I were kidding. :(

Or as it was said to me, "you're not worthy." You can be the most loving, moral, well meaning, God-fearing person in the world, but you're still not worthy.

They're wrong of course. North Alt you sound like a good guy who deserved better.

Runnnnnnn !!! ( From the church.) Runnnnnnnn & save yourself whilest you still can. If your common law would drop you at the drop of a hat for church related issues, I know that it is extremely painful. I had a situation in the 80's where I supported a person on their mission. I truly loved this person. After their mission , they let me know right out that I wasn't good enough for them & they wouldn't be able to go as far in the church as they wanted to go if I were around. ( Even though I was a returned missionary myself with goals to marry in the temple some day.) The pain from that rejection hurt to my core for a solid year. I know what you're going thru in that small respect But you ARE absolutely right. The church DOES break up families & it doesn't even seem to bother them.
You need to do what is best for YOU now. One thing that really helped get my thru that painful time back in the 80's was this saying :
"Time heals all wounds & wounds all heels" .
***Hugsss*** !



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/05/2016 09:28PM by nitrameequc.

Do you think this is any kind of really helpful church?

I'm going to be very blunt.

Resign. Get totally away from the Mormons as they are trying to manipulate you by making you "less worthy" and only living the way they tell you.

Chalk this up to a learning experience and get on with your life. Meet new people, and move as far away from that family (not your family -- you were USED!!!) as possible. Another state !

Take your power back and own it. This is no way to live.

Refuse to ever allow anyone in a church to tell you how to live your life.

I was told by my bishop that he knew the church and an upcoming baptism was tearing apart my family. Then he added, "I have to protect the church."

>>My question is this... What kind of religion requires a family (if unconventional according to the faith) to split apart?

If the mainstream Christian churches (Catholic, Episcopal, Methodist, ELCA Lutheran, etc.) got all worked up about couples having sex before marriage or living together before marriage, they wouldn't have anyone filling the pews. Those churches moved forward with the times in that regard. Also, they have nothing to hold over their members since they don't issue temple recommends and only rarely excommunicate.

I suppose if you let a highly controlling church run your life (and combined with bishop roulette,) that is the sort of treatment you can expect. As a Catholic with Episcopalians in my ancestral line, I was raised by my family to believe that a church was there to serve ME and MY FAMILY and not the other way around. I was never to abandon my right to think for myself or to respectfully disagree with the church's position on any particular issue.

I am very sorry that the Mormon church broke up your family. Unfortunately this topic comes up with sad frequency on this board.

I would not wait to be excommunicated. I would take your power back by resigning. Complete directions for how to do so can be found on this link. In most cases it is a relatively quick (two months or less,) uncomplicated, and predictable process.

http://www.exmormon.org/remove.htm



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/06/2016 10:38AM by summer.

They broke up mine, many years ago. Have seen many, many good families destroyed because of their need for control. Had a neighbor lady in Utah, divorced her good husband because he was not Mormon. Now she is alone with 3 kids, controlled by the church and miserable. This is a "true" church?

Thank you all. I really was starting to wonder if it was just me who's had to go through this kind of direct interference of a relationship. The only other person I've talked to about this in any detail was the Mishie who baptized me and he kept on telling me that what happened couldn't have happened because the church doesn't do things like this. He's a good guy, but good men can be mislead too. Heck, I was...

summer, thank you so much for providing that link about resigning. I know it probably won't make things easier but I think I'm going to take the route of sending my resignation to the Bishop. At the very least maybe he'll actually acknowledge me so I can give him a piece of my mind! I know it's not the best feeling to have but I'm kind of spoiling for a fight with this guy. Dragging what happened behind closed doors into the light sounds almost therapeutic. If he just processes my resignation though and doesn't bother me, that would be OK too I guess. Either/or I can start to get some closure from this whole nightmare.

It's fine to send a copy to the bishop, but you *must* send it to the Member Records department in SLC as well. The reason is that Member Records will provide oversight of the process so that if your bishop stalls or otherwise proves bothersome, MR will complete the resignation regardless. For MR, it's record keeping, but for the bishop, it may be personal.

In the U.S. there is a legal precedent that establishes a person's right to resign from a church and not to be subject to further church discipline. Mormon church authorities are painfully aware of this and that is why the process has become routine. The church could be sued otherwise.

Unfortunately, you're experiencing some of the worst of Mormonism. Now that I think about it, though, it's never much better...

I feel your pain too. You've undoubtedly built relationships with these kids, invested emotionally in them, and been there for them for the last 5 years, and yet you have no rights in that regard, in fact, less than the "dad" who abused them.

Anyway, one thing you probably noticed is the double standards people are held to, you and she, with her being a woman and a TBM. As a new convert, you can have a calling, but she as a life-long TBM cannot, and you're living in virtually the same circumstance. You're two sides of the same coin, yet held to different accounts.

The bishop, and the church in general, are obsessed with things which they can only know the appearances of. You say that you two stopped having "relations," and I don't doubt you, but the bishop can only verify this by asking the two of you. Frankly, it's none of his business, and no reasonable person in the 21st century would ever even ask you these things.

At present, the bishop has two adults who've been "living in sin." If he can bust you two up, and marry you off to some other Molly Mormon, then he only has one "problem child" who's unmarried, at least in the original equation. Your common-law wife cannot marry someone else at present, but she technically is married to someone. To the bish, that's "good."

As a new convert, they don't expect much from you yet. And as a man, they probably turn a blind eye to some of your indiscretions, at least temporarily, until they can "improve" you. She's a TBM, and is held to a higher "standard." In fact, she holds herself to a "higher" standard, as evidenced by her telling you way up front that if you ever marry it will be in the temple, and for being upset that she can't have a calling.

By the way, as a convert, no one will really ever expect to much of you. You'll always be viewed as lessor. The gradations exist so that those who are "higher" can always feel better about themselves.

I know it sucks right now, but if there's any silver lining, it's that you can run from this crazy cult and never look back. You already see through the duplicity and double-standards. And, I hate to say it, but you've discovered that this woman you love and have invested in, holds this freak-show in higher esteem than she does you.

I agree with the others that you should resign, not let them ex-communicate you. Leave on your terms, not theirs.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/06/2016 02:07PM by nomonomo.

So sorry you have had to learn a huge lesson in such a painful way.

We try to warn young people away from inactive LDS people who "don't really believe that much" because once they have their partner, and children are on the horizon, all they can imagine is Primary, Relief Society, Elder's Quorum...it's all they have known.

My family has suffered this pain when my son's childhood sweetheart who said she hated the LDS church suddenly broke down crying five years after the marriage, saying she couldn't live in isolation and wanted the community of other young marrieds, etc, etc. Of course she had been intensely love-bombed to pry the marriage apart from day one.

The Family First idea is nothing but a PR defense against the truth, which is Family Last Because This Life Is Just A Test--the really important life will take place in the Celestial Kingdom, so you better be prepared.

Your former wife is deluded if she thinks callings and a temple recommend will keep her family together. UNLESS she remarried a temple-recommend holder, she will be a solitary servant in the Celestial Kingdom, sexless and....without her children since she isn't "sealed" to prevent them from oozing into the ether.

Just kidding on that last ether comment - but it's all make-believe doncha know? Looking at it analytically, how does it profit the church to separate families?

I'll tell you. The church cannot survive without volunteer service and temple recommends. They have nothing to offer anyone except after-life insurance represented by a plastic card, just like your All-State car policy.

Your wife has traded reality - THIS LIFE - and is putting all her efforts towards the future life she has been scared into believing is more important.

So sorry-- what can you do? Try to get visiting privileges with the children using your nice, tolerant, sweet disposition and former connection. Hopefully the children would be on your side wanting to see you.

And when you do see them (if that happens) do not say an anti-Mormon word. Just talk about the scientific method and the beauties of nature. If this can't happen, then the kids will look you up when they are 18 and that will be your chance.

So sorry. Hopefully you will find a partner who values a person with integrity and love for truth rather than a fear about the future life.


Best

Kathleen

+1

One good thing is that she showed her true colors before you two got married. She sounds like someone who knows how to use others for her benefit. For me, it would even call into question the history of the abusive husband. Without corroborating evidence, I would not believe a thing this woman said.

Resign. Move on. Cut off contact with the missionary as well. He isn't a great guy, if he is calling you a liar. Not sure why that conversation is still going on. He has something in common with your live in girlfriend: he too puts the church ahead of your relationship with him.

One other thing. Can someone really have common law status while still married to someone else. I am not sure what the ramifications of common law status are in your juristiction, but I would not use that term to describe the relationship verbally or in writing. You don't want to set yourself up for some further obligation to your unfaithful ex.

Yeah, I was thinking the same thing about whether or not the husband was abusive. My husband's TBM ex wife accused him of abuse. I've been married to him for 13 years and he's the kindest, gentlest, most wonderful guy I know. The only people who see him as "abusive" is his ex wife and his two very alienated daughters who haven't seen him in 11 years and have taken their mother's current husband's last name (he's #3 and converted for her).

Losing his daughters was incredibly painful, but I must say we have managed to build a lovely life together. There is life beyond Mormonism.

It sounds like she and her Bishop set you up. I haven't been in your exact situation, but have had my life affected by similar things. For your own psychological well being (especially if you love her), you'll want to handle things gently and with some consideration for her, even though you're the one being screwed over. But still make your boundaries firm. She will probably describe you to her next boyfriend as an abusive-ex. Deprive her of allowing that to be true.

Here is what I would do in your position. Resign from the church first. But just do a plain resignation without threatening the church with legal action, and give them that 30-day period that allows you to back out and that is routine for the church. Then write her a letter, telling her about the resignation, and that it will be final in 30 days per what your letter from the bishop said. Tell her honestly how you feel about her and that you love her if you do. Tell her that the differences between you probably aren't fixable because your highest desire is to put your partner first, above everyone else in the world first, and that includes putting her above the church, whether it is true or not. Tell her that if she doesn't feel the same way about you, then it's not a good match. Tell her that you support her need to find happiness where she thinks is best for her, and that you support her need to find a more compatible partner if that is what she wants. Don't tell her anything else about yourself. If she is interested, she will ask. Just be ready to answer her questions honestly if she asks them.

The reason I would play nice with the church during the resignation process is that if she comes back to you within the first 30 days, your willingness to stay a church member could be a consolation for her. Don't tell her that though, and set firm boundaries about your requirements that you come before the church if there is going to be any reuniting. Suggest that she resign too, and that you and her just be free of the church and have eachother. Make sure she gets that divorce from her ex after the kids turn 18.

If you don't hear from her, then after 30 days, start dating again. If she comes back to you before that, tell her that you don't really believe in the church (especially now, after what they've just done), but that you'll cancel the resignation for her if she agrees to put you above the church in her life for the rest of your relationship going forward.

The reason you want to play nice with her isn't because you want her back. It looks like things are probably over anyway, and that you can't trust her anyway. Regardless of how you may feel now, you're probably better off without her. Use that knowledge to not change your boundaries. The reason that you want to play nice with her and to even support her choices about her life after she has betrayed you is that you will heal much quicker that way. It's actually a selfish decision. But it's probably the best choice for you both. Then, if by some miracle she accepts your terms, then you get to start looking to see if she is capable of loving someone.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/06/2016 04:42PM by azsteve.

you answered your question with the cult behavior observation.

them church people lied to my folks about me all the time. if you don't 100% conform to the Mormon image, immediately the whispers start that you "immoral, word of wisdom problems, associating with wordly people, blah blah blah"

always remember- Mormon leaders will ALWAYS put the Church's interests before any person.
ALWAYS

What the bishop told you is not common form. The handbook says that investigators who are living with someone they aren't married to, have to marry before baptism. And your "wife" was committing adultery, because she is married to someone else. So of course she had to quit doing that to avoid excommunication.

It stinks what happened to you. I would encourage her to get the divorce.

(BTW, she wouldn't have been required to cut you out entirely, but it was probably just way too hard to go back to being solely friends when both of you want to move forward eventually to marriage.)

If I were guessing, I'd say that your bishop got his hands slapped by a higher up, and otherwise would have ignored your situation. And now he is probably embarrassed.

people who are not properly contributing to THE cause of THE
(MORmON) church must be punished.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hGEyKCS7-is

So, after waiting for a month (I ended up sending to Salt Lake instead of the local Bishop) I got my reply to my resignation from the Church stating that the local Bishop has to process my resignation.

Wow... the guy who avoided me like the plague is now the guy who has to process my resignation. As far as I'm concerned I'm out but I have to wonder, what will happen if he continues to form and just ignores my request? Will I still be part of the church as far as they are concerned? I'll be honest, I have a lot of anxiety about this, but at the same time I'm kind of hoping I'll be brought in for "trial". A part of me would love to let loose with all the crap this church has put on me. A big part of me too would love to highlight all the actions of the person they rewarded for leaving me. Some of them, I'm 100% sure would be grounds for excommunication. I know, it's very petty, but it's still there. I've been the "good guy" for so long and suffered for it, I kind of want to be a jerk for once :(

Other than that bombshell, I've been doing pretty good. I've been trying to focus on healing and giving my daughter all the love and attention she deserves. I've cut off all contact I had with any members of the church, even the missionary who I thought was still a pretty good guy. He told me that he was directed by the church not to go on Facebook anymore... but when I kept on seeing him online, accepting friend requests, etc..... I'm just so tired of church members lying to me to get their way. These are the "servants of God"? Right...

They replied, you are out. The rest it their paperwork. Go celebrate.

The things we do for love. Uh-oh.