I was getting ready for Church when DW said, “It's fast day today”. I responded “Yes, I know. JimBob needed a ride so I'm taking him”. The silent expectation is that I don't go to church on F&T days. I pointed out to her some time ago that not everyone who claims to have a testimony actually have a testimony. This is especially true for children. Young Children will repeat what they've heard, “I know that Joseph Smith was a true prophet and that he restored the true church”. Children seek approval and acceptance! They have no honest experience to know if the church is true or not. Instead they will imitate their parents and peers for the generous approval they are seeking. Also some of the Apostles have said “you gain your testimony in the bearing of it”. In other words, the testimony for some is gained through peer approval and acceptance not from experience or gained knowledge. They are living on the testimonies of others. They want to be accepted and approved by their peers. That feedback is what makes up their testimonies and not any actual knowledge or experience to back it up. With that bombshell, DW asked me not to come to F&T Meetings any more.

Today I was listening to the testimonies. A few I couldn't make out. There are the rapid fire testimonies from the kids, the monologues from the lonely, nothing but tears from the emotional and the few testimonies that were based on a personal experience. I wasn't questioning their testimonies. I was listening. I heard something over and over from the sincere testimonies. A small but touching event which confirms for them a larger purpose. The insignificant experience magnified the purpose of life. A scripture gave meaning to a hardship. In each case there was some personal connection and confirmation. Each time there was some invisible link that also confirmed that the Church is True. A few testimonies centered on God's love for us. I couldn't help myself. My mind as it is will get a trigger word or phrase or idea and off it goes. I'm in a land of thought. In my mind I saw the church as a world and the small nugget presented in each testimony was a tiny light on the world. Because the small light was good, they concluded that the whole world was good. There is a lot of darkness in the world. The God of scripture does not love everyone. He wanted Laban beheaded, he drowned the world in a flood, he commanded Israel to purge life from their land and he threatened Emma Smith with destruction if she didn't stop fighting Polygamy. This is what religion for me has become. A series of victorious battles where the winners write the history. Battles where the difference between light and dark is confused.

As I am caught up in my own reverie. My whole reason and purpose in life for the last 40 years was to find some peace and reason for why I am the way I am and how I fit in this crazy world and in the Church. The very moment I decided that “maybe, just maybe, the church is not true!” I had a sensation like being sucked out of a space ship and into the vacuum of space. I felt safe, I was floating, I was able to see the panoramic vistas that I could never see before. I was truly in heaven. I felt such relief from the constraints of the Church. I am comforted with the new road and direction. I have finally found peace. In my new paradigm, I am still touched by some testimonies, they still stir my heart. I now see all the niggling issues I didn't see before in a new and different light.

The testimony I had was stripped away but instead replaced with knowledge. The Church uses fear as a tool to coerce and intimidate you into behavioral change. Testimony Meetings are a way of bolstering each other by sharing experiences. Testimonies include stories of lost items found by the grace of God, recovery from illness, scriptures open at just the right scripture seemingly through miraculous intervention. These types if events are spoken from the housetops and received as spiritual intervention. These events help us navigate our lives. What feels like sand thrown in my eyes is when these events are used to further conflate the Churches truth claims. They just don't fit together. Just like the world I saw. They use the pinpoint of light to show that the whole world is filled with light. Claiming that the whole world (or church) is now filled with light. This is just not true! For example, Lost items never to be found despite the heart felt prayers of the owners. Young children or especially Young mothers who die from cancer despite the heart felt prayers and priesthood blessings for their recovery. Surely God wants a young mother to live to raise her family! Finally, scriptures that seem more right than wrong in spite of the brutality by God or for God as presented in their pages. The God of Scripture demands obedience at any cost. There is no light or love in that. A jealousy or vindictive god or conditional god is not a god of light.

I was completely aware that I too had a testimony just like they do now. I couldn't refute the experiences I had and yet, I couldn't reconcile the hypocrisy of religion. How did I maintain a testimony in the face of all the conflict around me. I realized that the Holy Ghost comforted me with confirmation for the Book of Mormon and Joseph Smith. By analyzing how I viewed the conflict, you could say, I had a confirmation of specific things and accepted the rest without question. But when confronted with specific conflicts, I started to get uncomfortable and backed away from it. That way I could still know the church is true in light of the conflicting issues. I would put them away and accept that God has a good explanation for it.

Reflecting back on my faithful days, I was perplexed by a few things here and there as I encountered them. Book of Mormon issues, First Vision issues, Priesthood Authority issues etc. When I was in my teens, I grappled with my first big issue. It was a big deal for me. For the first time I had a conflicting sensation that murder was somehow good as long as God wills it? I read about Nephi beheading Laban. My very first thought was “Thou shalt not kill”. How is this even remotely Good?? God tells you to murder and somehow this is good? If God tells you to murder then between you and God it's somehow okay. But, between you and your earthly counterparts, it's just plain old Murder!! No amount of explaining to your earthly counterparts will free you of your deed! “God told me too.” Nephi donned the bloody clothes of Laban so he could deceive Zoram, the servent of Laban. Once the plates were in hand, they traveled outside the gates of the city to meet the brothers. Only then did Zoram figure it out and ran. Nephi took him down, threatened to murder him as well or go with them. Nephi murdered Laban. He deceived Zoram in order to steal. When the deception was discovered, Nephi threatened to kill again to protect his deception. This is clear violation of a social moral code. The moral code that is supposed to come from God! I resolved that if God is the author of the moral code, he can change it up at will. But it still bugged me. Nephi answers to God and doesn't care a whit about his actions. In my mind Nephi remains subject to a Human Court of justice. He is not free of that. Somehow I was able to push this aside and continue reading.

Questions kept popping up in my mind. Why didn't God just give Laban an accident like get drunk and fall on his sword, drown in a puddle or something easy. I put the issue away thinking that it must be from God because the rest of the Book of Mormon was true. The incident was never resolved in my mind. I couldn't just accept it on Faith. I needed an example or explanation that resolved the issue for me. It was like a black stain on a white sheet. This was a nagging issue and one I could not resolve. It bugged me and each time I encountered it, Cognitive Dissonance came with it. I continued to give the subject long and hard meditation, make some concession and move on. My conclusions? More issues.

Why would God disregard and violate his very own moral code when he could have used any other means to convey the brass plates to Lehi. If God were to do the deed rather than Nephi, then poor Nephi could remain innocent. I felt angst that Nephi was innocent and had to taste of killing another in spite of the commandment not to kill. So God wanted Nephi to kill in order to obtain the brass plates, for what purpose? In a modern society, Nephi would be thrown in prison for his deed. What motivated Nephi to kill? Fate brought them together. The urge to obey without question is justification to take a life? This started to remind me of Abraham who was told to sacrifice his only son. Why does God on occasion ask us to do something so contrary to our true nature and unwillingness to contemplate? The scriptures are replete with examples of absolute obedience through destruction of self identity and common sense. I wondered about Nephi. Why would he even contemplate killing? Your first kill is tragic. Yet he brushes it off like a bug on a sleeve. He is unscathed from the emotional torment of extinguishing another human life. This is not a trivial thing and yet, the Book of Mormon doesn't even hint of how it effected young Nephi. More words are written to Nephi's state of mind when Lamen and Lemual are disrespectful. Nothing more is written about how Nephi processed this horrific violation of a moral code. Some apologetic jack-pass even went so far as to say, death and killing was a common affair in Nephi's time.

I could never close the gap on this paradox. The usual answer to my question is to “Read the scriptures and Pray for an answer”. In other words, there is no answer anyone could give me, only what I could resolve on my own. In order to keep the Cognitive Dissonance at rest, I needed to efface the issue in my own mind and hope a more forgiving answer was forthcoming. I have reasoned that Most LDS think this way. I don't know how they could stand up in Church each F&T meeting and declare the Church is True with these blatant conundrums all around them. I can only say that Members are selective in what they deal with. A spiritual confirmation gives Members comfort in one thing, like the Book of Mormon. With that confirmation they inclusively pull in everything else they are asked to believe as true, without question. When you read of Nephi beheading Laban, how do you process it? Do you read the beheading as a necessary part of the narrative? Or do you feel it, own it and bring to life the emotions of killing and living every day with that knowledge that you ended someone's life? Is Nephi a Murderer? Is God a Murderer? What Nephi did is Murder and God commanded it! Nephi is a Murderer therefore The church is true. God loves everyone!?!? This idea is a show stopper. If there is any cause to hurt a non-believer for what ever reason in the name of your religion, it is not of god. God will never, never ask you to hurt others or Murder for him!! NEVER!!!

When I finally came back to reality, I decided, Church is just too emotional. This is the storm that raged in my mind as I processed the testimonies I heard today. I'm exhausted.

I know exactly how you feel. It's funny, isn't it, how so many people on this board and people in my family can just step out of mormonism almost like taking a shirt off. Leaving the church just isn't that big of a deal for a lot of people. I wish I were more like them. I have a jagged wound in my soul from mormonism that just won't heal.

Like you, I couldn't reconcile LDS doctrine with my conscience. I left the church five years ago. No regrets about that. But the poison of mormonism had been injected deep in my heart. I really feel sometimes like my soul has been poisoned by it.

Leaving the church has been so easy for my DW. Her spirit has soared once she got out from under the shackles of mormonism. I am so glad for her and my children and I wouldn't change a thing. But it hasn't been easy.

Hang in there.

Wow, I totally agree with you. It did bug me when I learned about Nephi murdering a drunk and defenseless person. Well, it was more like my mind grew up and was able to grasp the fact that it was murder.

Speaking of the ten commandments, I have often wondered. How is "gaining your testimony in the bearing of it” NOT bearing false witness? You are witnessing to something that you really have not witnessed. In other words lying. That always made me uncomfortable.

I liked your post. I definitely agree. God is a real jerk. Making rules but ordering people to break them as a test of allegiance. I decline to worship a god that plays mind games.

RE: I wouldn't suffer through that for any amount of cash.

I have been asked to attend church by my mom many times. It would make her thrilled beyond words. I can see it in my mind played out. Even knowing my aging mom would have a moment of peace, I can't throw myself on that sacrificial sword. I can't lie to her; like the Mormon church has lied to me, to keep her dream alive.

This is my choice and I chose the right....I choose not to attend a church service which gives homage to an evil man, and makes rules which are bigoted, and makes a habit out of lying to those who support it, etc.

I attended the GC priesthood broadcast a couple of times and the closed circuit broadcast when GBH was in Lethbridge 20 or more years ago with my Dad and little brother as a favor to him and because of the immense love and respect I had and have for him.
I despised F&T meeting. All the blubbering away and soul baring was too much...and always seemed canned and phony to me.

RB

A very insightful post. Thank you.

It must have been hard work to listen to everything and then write it up, but you did manage to put it all in perspective.

TL;DR

ban mormons

Excellent thoughts, especially about Nephi. When I hear Mormons talk about 'moral relativism' as being one of the great evils of this day, I think about God's commandment not to kill, and all of the many exceptions. In other words, killing is bad, unless God tells you to do it. Is that not moral relativism? What about JS and marrying other men's wives?

In Mormonism, unquestioning obedience and faith are the ONLY moral imperatives.

Thank you for this post.
It explains the dilemma I have in even thinking about visiting the ward for even one meeting. F&T being the worst.

I don't give homage to frauds.
I makes me exhausted and feeling violated.
I cannot understand the contrary doctrine which demands unwavering obedience.

I remember standing in a leadership meeting to end with a testimony and it hit me strongly. It is a sham. I managed through with thoughts of gratitude and sat down.

I realized my inner moral compass was offended at what was being suggested in that meeting.

Your post brought back that memory and what triggered me to finally say 'Enough'.

I started reading, searching, and realizing I wasn't alone in those feelings. I was surprised to find so many others who have felt the same way.

The poison of mormonism and I don't want another dose. Ever.