Date: February 11, 2016 08:58PM
I was this way, too. Because as a mormon, you are taught to believe no matter what. If you don't understand something, don't worry, it will be made clear eventually. Line upon line.
If something makes you uncomfortable? God's ways are not your ways. You don't have eternal perspective.
You don't have to like it, you don't have to agree with it. But you follow the current prophet and have faith. You remember the feelings you had that seemed to confirm your beliefs. You remember everything you've been taught. And you hold on to the rules, the prohibitions, the rituals, with everything you've got, because to do anything else, to think anything else, is too hard!
And because you've been taught this way, you go in prayer with your issue, hoping for a positive result of any kind, and do so until your mind manufacturers something for you.
I remember when I was praying about polygamy. I had read the D&C where god says he'll destroy Emma if she doesn't fall in line. I was horrified and saddened, and this was the last thing that held me back from full belief and faith.
Until one day I felt like I heard a voice in my head say "Trust me." I felt like that was all I needed, and I didn't need to worry about it any more. And so even though I still didn't like the thought of being assigned to some strange man in the CK, I didn't worry about it, because I felt god asked me to trust him.
Now I don't believe in god, and know that voice in my head was just that, my own voice, my own thoughts, that I manufactured to fit what I was trying to get.
It's very, very hard for some of us to go from belief to non-belief. We'll do just about anything to keep believing and keep feeling that faith and testimony.