Never use extended metaphors except for recognisable poetic effect. Over-reliance on analogies is a sign of a weak writer. You remember the squishy-minded Mormon teacher who shows a picture of a foot or an arm or a neck with the question, What does this represent in the Church? You would be excused from replying, And here's a fist.

One aspect of Mormonism that made me barf is its love of the analogy. I remember my brother's wedding and a sinister sister from the stand comparing each aspect of marriage to a part of a ship. I wondered what the hold or dungeon represented, but she never mentioned this part. I think I kept my gaffaws to myself, and her talk enlivened an otherwise particularly tinsled, tacky affair.

Mormon analogies can be so thoughtless and harmful that the stories pass into urban myth. With thanks to those victims below:


The licked cupcakes in the chastity lesson always represented females. In Young Women’s, the cupcakes represented us - we didn’t want to be a licked cupcake. No-one wants a cupcake licked by someone else.

In Young Men’s, the cupcakes also represented girls. You boys were taught not to lick cupcakes that weren't yours. No-one else wants a licked cupcake, and neither do you.

Never once was I told that boys could be licked cupcakes. Never. What boys did was, I guess, none of our business. All we girls knew was not to let boys lick our cupcakes, or no one would want us. The burden of chastity was ours to bear, and the prospects of forgiveness for failure were grim ...

And as for the pompous pricks in Salt Lake City, ‘The Brethren’, they don’t respect women. They’re misogynistic assholes. Men who respect women don’t tell them how many earrings they can wear! They don’t shame men for marrying women more educated than themselves. They don’t seal themselves to other women after their long-suffering wives die, becoming eternal polygamists. They don’t tell young girls, contrary to the best interest of their families, to have babies before they're finished with school. I can’t stand those lying bastards! If I could, I’d fly to Salt Lake and kick Hinckley’s wrinkly, incontinent ass! KimberleyAnn, board post 15th May 2007 'The Licked Cupcakes'

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I very distinctly remember an object lesson in Young Women’s. A counselor in the bishopric came in and said he was going to give us a piece of peppermint candy. He opened it but ‘accidentally’ dropped it, then stepped on it, and just got it gross and dirty. Then he picked it up and asked us if any of us wanted it. Of course none of us did. Then he compared it to sleeping around.

Then, I remember lesson where someone literally had a salad prepared and brought it to class (may have been a Saturday stake youth activity, not sure). They asked us if we liked salad, and someone or all of us may have eaten it. Then he dumped a small amount of dirt in the salad and stirred it. He asked if anyone would eat the salad now. Of course no one would. He said ‘but there is hardly any dirt in the salad, are you sure you don't want it?’ No, we didn’t want it. Eventually he made the point that even just a little sin can ruin things. Always Thinking, board post 10th November 2007 'Peppermint Candy'

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When I was about 14 or so, I went to a combined mutual night (all the teenaged boys and girls together).

We were all given make believe airline tickets and told we were all going on a flight to a fun and exciting tropical paradise. Some of the adult members were dressed as stewardesses, pilot etc. We all boarded this make believe plane (between the chapel and cultural hall where there is a twelve-foot wide space between the big curtain dividers). They served us snacks and tried hard to make it seem real. Most of us were cutting up, not paying much attention because the whole thing was a little pre-adolescent.

Then it happened. The pilot comes on and says we have some sort of engine trouble, they blink the lights for about a minute while engine noises, wind and stuff are piped through the sound system then some sort of plane crash noise. Some of us boys are still carrying on hamming it up screaming like the girls etc. Then all goes quiet and everything goes dark.

One of the leaders then states, ‘You are all dead now.’ Things got pretty serious at this point. We all got sober. It wasn’t funny anymore.

Then a few lights went on and an adult member came in dressed in white and started saying things like, ‘Were you ready to die tonight? Your time is up and it's too late to repent, Where will you go? Will you be with your family forever or somewhere else?’ etc. Some of the girls started crying and everything really hit an all time low. Inconceivable, board post 10th November 2007 'The Plane Crash'


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After dark, we were led to an area, and told to put on a blindfold. After a feeble argument I complied.

Then my hand was placed on a round PVC pipe. I was told to not let go until I heard xxx’s voice. As I was walking along the pipe I heard voices telling me to let go, that all sorts of horrible things were going on around me, and that I had made it so I could let go.

Well, I made it to the end of the pipe trail because I remembered the instruction to not let go until I heard xxx’s voice.

I took off the blindfold and there were several people wearing white robes all happy to tell me that I had made it. There was a big tree all decorated in white lights. Then I was to sit and wait until all the adult unit leaders and the girls had made it to the end.

While I was sitting there I was glad I had made it.

As time went on though, I started to feel as though I had been manipulated. There were girls sitting near me who had made it, but they were wondering what had happened to their friends who were with them.

One girl was sobbing because she couldn’t find her sister.

Later on I found out that the girls who let go of the PVC pipe before the end were taken to an area and given a lecture about what Jesus had done for them. Then they got another turn to hold on and go to the end of the PVC pipe.

Some of the girls had been tricked by their older sisters or friends who were trying to get them to let go.

This went on for hours in the dark and cold. By the time the whole ordeal was over I just wanted to get back to camp and go to sleep. I was feeling very manipulated and used. ORFinn, board post 'Girls Camp, Faith Promoting Activity'

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This morning I want to discuss some of the spiritual lessons we can learn from the process by which a cucumber becomes a pickle. I invite the Holy Ghost to be with us as we consider the significance of those lessons for me and for you as we come unto Christ and are spiritually reborn. David A Bednar, Ye Must Be Born Again or the Parable of the Pickle, April 2007 general conference

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Our high counselor gave a talk on the Book of Mormon and described approvingly of the most horrible object lesson I have ever heard.

He said that his seminary teacher told the class that he had a dead baby girl underneath a sheet. The class didn't believe him.

He invited three witnesses to come up and look under the sheet. They came and left shaken and affirmed what he had said.

He invited eight witnesses to come and look underneath the sheet. They left declaring that he had spoken the truth.

He asked the class who believed him now. They all believed him. He applied this to the Book of Mormon witnesses and then removed the sheet and revealed a fetus preserved in formaldehyde in a jar.

WTF! The high counselor drilled into us that in like manner the Book of Mormon witnesses prove it to be true. I felt sick.

How could they objectify a baby girl like that and then self-righteously oppose abortion? How could they make such a sad, sick, and tasteless comparison? In seminary and sacrament meeting with lots of little kids listening?

WTF! This surprised even me. captainmoroni, board post 16th January 2012 'Horrible Object Lessons in Sacrament'

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But apt analogies give context and meaning to any text.

Comparing sinning to a cheese grater? That doesn't work for me.

What about comparing a pretty girl to a melody? I like it.

Mormons use analogies badly. I've seen the same problem with holy roller preachers ranting on TV on late night TV.

Thanks, Cheryl. The Morg wields the Analogy, knowing the power of language, badly and it's this destructive quality and its victims we raise - and it's this unthinking robotic quality - parallel to a lack of scripture criticism.

I remember one priesthood lesson and it was the story of some dude with a gun who had faith to shoot a rabbit in a certain bush.

We wage war on this destructive quality in the name of poetry, good literature - but these examples of analogy abuse alas keep coming. Best regards, and thanks for all examples

yah well MORmON analogies usually fall under the larger heading of idiocy, which is the real cause of distaste , not necessarily analogies themselves, but you do make some fine observations .....on MORmON idiocy.