The recent posts about Narcissistic Personality Disorder have got me thinking about my husband and I need some advice. A few points first.
1. He has not been officially diagnosed. Other than a close relative who is a psychologist concurs.
2. I know most of you are not professionals.

Since finally figuring out a few years ago what NPD was and that it describes my husband perfectly, I have done extensive reading on the subject. I have read over and over to just go no contact with them. However, I have chosen to stay. Our relationship has become so much better since I know what he is trying to pull and I don't react like I used to.

However, it is far far from perfect. I hold lots of feelings and thoughts inside so as not to upset him and start an episode. I know this is not healthy but it is how I choose to deal with it for now.

He has a strained relationship with our now grown children. When something goes wrong and they get angry with his drama and refuse to talk to him he tries to blame it on me and accuse me of poisoning them against him, or maybe I said something to them. I can deny it until I am blue in the face and out of breath but he will always think it is my fault, their fault, anyone's fault but his own.

My question is this. What is a good way to handle this? Simple denial gets me nowhere except into a bigger fight. I have read that telling a narcissist they are one is either non productive or dangerous. So, I get left getting the blame for his dysfunctional relationships.

The number 1 question before any discussion of narcissism/NPD (NPD is different from narcissism) is, do you have a vested interest in staying with him? As in, do you actually want to and love him? Is your relationship toxic or is there something worth saving?

If the answer is an honest no or even probably not, then I wouldn't worry about any of the other stuff. I'd just get out.

If you really WANT to, though--but it doesn't sound like it--I'd suggest counseling. I wouldn't approach it as "you're a narcissist and you need counseling," certainly, because you don't know that and he might have a different perspective, and it's just not likely to get a great response. I'd approach it positively and proactively, as in, let's be a team and work this out together. If he refuses to see someone about your overall marriage, though, I don't see the point. A partner should always be willing to do what it takes to improve the relationship, IMHO.

Unfortunately narcissists rarely if ever change their behavior. They like who they are and because of the nature of that trait, will always try to front so they LOOK good....which often means others take the blame. Every time.

The only way I see to deal with this is to consistently call him on it....which will lead to denial and fights ( as I'm sure you already know) or to completely ignore it and not respond. Neither is a healthy solution. But so it is with narcissists.

Often the only thing that will shock them enough to invite self reflection on their part is leaving. But even then, it's a small likelihood that it will occur.

Good luck. My advice is to leave. It sounds toxic. But if that's not an option, avoidance may be he lesser of 2 evils.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 02/15/2016 06:20PM by idahobanana.

Also, he may be trying to cut you off from the children. It's called triangulation. A narcissist wants his/her target to be isolated. I would get out, if at all possible.

My advice is to get out. The prognosis for this type of person to change is zip according to a psychologist friend and according to former fealing with this type of person. And, nobody is going to change him. The only thing you can change is a baby's diapet

Dealing, not fealing. diaper, not diapet. God I'm tired.

So you are asking us for advice on how to hang onto the crazy train? Noooo, darlin'!

JUMP OFF.

I just filed for divorce Friday after 23 years. Half this board watched my marriage unravel for years. I didn't even realize I was being abused. For. Years.

Get out. Don't play mind games with a narcissist unless you want to lose yours.

Seriously.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/15/2016 08:05PM by shannon.

shannon Wrote:
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>
> Don't play mind games with a narcissist
> unless you want to lose yours.
>
Shannon

You've already gotten advice to leave your spouse so I won't say that. I believe my mother had NPD or BPD. We have a strained relationship. I feel like I can't go no contact, but we do have limited contact. I do think it is wise to evaluate if you feel the relationship is beneficial and get some therapy for yourself.

As far as what to do when he starts blaming things on you I would just start setting firm boundaries and stick to them. He is going to hate it at first, but eventually will understand. Like saying, "When you blame our children's behavior on me I will not participate in that. I am going to ______ (some kind of consequence most likely just remove yourself from the situation, e.g. go running, go to the library to read by myself, etc." We can talk about this calmly when I return. If you will not talk about it calmly I will temporarily leave again and we will try this again." Set down a firm boundary that you deserve to be treated well and will NOT stand for being blamed for things.

You probably know they are scared of being abandoned so this can make their behavior worse. If you really intend to stay in the relationship you can say, "I'm not leaving you, I still love you, but I will not be treated poorly and we can revisit this when you will treat me with respect." You have to follow through with the boundaries you set or the boundaries will not exist.

Just remember this is some advice you got for free on the internet from some random idiot. You should see a counselor, hopefully with your spouse to work through it.

Best wishes.

+1 I know forums like this can be super beneficial and 'therapeutic' in the short term, but real live accredited therapy of whatever sort you choose is really important. I know that's been said, but this is much more important than any advice any of us can give you (after all, we don't know you or your husband).

They are full of envy and rage, and will get calculated and cruel, if they perceive their fragile egos to be attacked, even by simple actions on the part of their target. They are also rarely rehabilitated by counseling, if they will even go, in the first place.

Not putting you down, or anything. It's just the nature of the beast.

Good point about them not playing by the same rules. My contact with the NPD/BPD in my life is so limited that I may not be seeing/remembering clearly how they respond to things the others in their lives do and say. It's been a long time since I lived with them. I literally remain quiet and emotionless for the majority of our interactions. I don't feel I can cut my mother out of my life though at this point.

Maybe the attempt to set those normal boundaries can help the OP see if making the relationship work is going to be possible and help the OP see that they do actually deserve to be treated with respect.

Equating those two disorders doesn't make much sense as they're extremely different and one responds to therapy while the other doesn't.

Not true, both NPD and BPD are Cluster B disorders. This also includes sociopaths and histrionics. It is VERY common for a narcissist to have certain amounts of these other Cluster B disorders in a comorbid fashion. Likewise, so do the others also tend to have a mixed bag.

Narcs do not change in therapy! They do not see that they do anything wrong and lack the empathy to care how they are hurting you. But, they can learn how to better manipulate you in therapy. So, I would go without him. You are his scapegoat. The one he places all blame on. That in itself can become dangerous depending on his propensity for violence. and getting even. If you cross him on his behaviors, you open the door to what is a Narcis. shmear campaign. So, u may want to research that before deciding your next moves.

You choose to stay, even though you know it's not healthy, and all the articles say to leave.

A healthy conversation involves validating the other's point of view, but a narcissist can only pretend to have (mimic) empathy, and, how would you go about validating a delusion that you, or some other innocent person, is to blame?

It's a can't-win situation, and that's why common advice is to leave. I get the feeling that you are financially trapped, because you even suggested that he might become dangerous, yet you stay.

There is no way to out-manipulate delusional thinking. It's a bottomless pit of make-believe. At its root is a deep insecurity that you can't fix. You know this; you've lived it for many years. You compliment, you puff him up, but in the end, to him, "believing in him" just makes you appear to be dense, because he truly believes he is worthless. Still, he needs to hear your compliments and support often, it's like manna to him, he so needs your "stupidity."

My strongest suggestion to you is to find professional help for yourself, to gird up your own self-worth following what must be years of demeaning treatment. You are correct that challenging the delusions of a narcissist can pose danger, so you'll need a good "game face" and just tell him you need help with depression. He'll probably belittle you for that, but it beats challenging him with the truth, and maybe getting hurt.

So stay. Let him be him. You just do your best to find a place where you don't feel like you have to walk on eggshells. For right now, let that place be a counselor's office.

Sound suggestions by cupcake.

Additionally, the most important thing is: knowledge.
That knowledge tells us Nothing out of his mouth has credibility. Just see that, clearly, and whatever he says passes right through touching nothing, because it is disregarded, dismissed for what it is: nonsense.

Opposing it only makes it stronger. So let it pass, disregarded.

If someone said: "I believe the president is controlled by space aliens" would anyone oppose him? Of course not. It's just too silly.

You sound so much like me a few years ago. I was married 25 years before I realized what I was dealing with. A narcissist doesn't think like we do. They don't care about anything other than getting admiration. He doesn't love you or your kids. He uses you to make him look good. Think about what you said, you are keeping things inside you don't start an incident. You are walking on eggshells. Is this the way you want to live?