I have to attend a funeral this weekend and will be in close proximity to my father. I have had to distance myself from him over the last year due to a verbally abusive relationship (narcissism). My mother is trying to leverage this unfortunate event and is insisting I patch things up with my father. I feel like she is manipulating the circumstances and is trying to force the issue. I am not shore exactly how to had this. It will be the first time i will have seen or potentially spoken to my father in nearly a year.

What say you?

My first question is why do you HAVE to attend this funeral?

it is my grand fathers funeral. we where very close and i will be attending to pay my respects.

Perhaps you can go later and visit his grave. Do whatever you need to do to grieve fully.

OR you can tell your mother that it isn't YOUR job to patch things up that your father broke. Narcissists NEVER apologize. EVER. If he sees you at the funeral, he'll probably act all lovely and pretend like a wonderful father in public. Just don't be alone with him.

Your mother is probably a pawn, and probably a victim, too. Narcissists often triangulate other people (use one person to pressure another person to do what they want).

Sorry about your grandfather.

I think you should be able to go to the funeral if that's what you need to do to properly remember and honor your grandfather.

But you may not be ready emotionally to "patch things up" with your father, and as mentioned above he may not in a place where this can take place. I don't know. But it doesn't seem like this a good time, and that's what you could tell your mom. But if you are still open to reconciliation at a future time, you could also express that to your mom as well.

I have been thinking the same thing. i have already indicated to my mother that i will not be patching anything with my father.
however, My father has indicated that he is willing to forgive me and is ready to hear my apology. I have done absolutely nothing wrong and refuse to be manipulated anymore.

It is turning into a bit of a circus. thank you for the impute.

What a jackass.

Get to the funeral close to when it starts and leave as soon as the graveside service is over. If you have to fly in and your flight isn't right after, lie. Go to a bar or something.

And definitely stay in a hotel if you can afford it.

I realize the rest of the family may be hurt if you aren't "fully" participating, but they will get over it. If I had to guess (and it is a good guess; my dad was a narcissist), the other family members will be secretly cheering you on. I doubt you are the only one he has hurt. Sometimes it just takes one person to start the ball rolling. Yes, he will gossip about you. Yes, he will tell everyone what a horrible person you are. Yes, they will gossip back. But ... I promise, he will screw up and piss off each of them in turn, if he hasn't already. Then your phone will ring because they will need to know if that is what happened to you.

Shrug off attempts to have long winded deep conversation. If the subject turns serious and intense, make an excuse to cut it short. Tell a joke, change the subject, stand up and say you have a errand to run or you need a drink of water or a snack.

Stay in a hotel and rent a car if you can. That's what I did for years and years. My mom didn't like it, but she got used to the idea. It certainly helped my frame of mind. I wish I started it years earlier.

Remember you're an adult and you can walk out and go home whenever you choose to do so if things become to uncomfortable. For funerals I remembered that the time there was short. I knew I could sit there and ignore almost anything.

My thoughts are my own. I can imagine places I've been, and places I want to go. I can count how many kinds of flowers I know or plan what I'll do on my next night out or vacation.

If anyone became rude, I planned to simply say, "Excuse me? I need to use the restroom or give some other reason for leaving. I could be abrupt or not depending on how rude the TBM chose to be.

That's what worked for me at funerals. It might work for others. Good luck.

Narcissists use every family event as an opportunity to guilt in my opinion.

You can confront them. They usually back down in public.

Elder Berry Wrote:
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> Narcissists use every family event as an opportunity to guilt in my opinion.
>
> You can confront them. They usually back down in public.

I was of the impression that a narcissist would love the attention received if the confrontation happened in public. I could be incorrect.

your father is ready to accept your apology?

Hahhahahahahhahahha what an ass hat.

Don't apologize. If your mother askes you about it tell

her you are an adult and you make your own decisions about

things. She wants to sacrifice your feelings just to make

peace on that day. I wouldn't apologize. Just because you

are at the same funeral doesn't mean you have to socialize

with him. Ignore him.

I'm so sorry that you've lost your grandfather. Whatever you do, do not engage your dad if he's a narcissist. You can act like he's a causal acquaintance (e.g., mailman) or nonexistent. You need to protect yourself and your indifference can be the ultimate symbol that he doesn't have power of you. Anger still attaches people and apathy can set you free from him. Do not even discuss him with other siblings. He's not important to enough to warrant you discussing him. Remember that other people love you and you do not need this abusive person's approval to feel good about yourself. Best of luck!

I suggest spending as little time at the funeral as possible, and spend as little time talking to your father as possible. It may not yet be the time for patching things up.

It helps if you are clear and confident in who you are and how you want to be treated. Nothing is more attractive than a person with a positive attitude about themselves.

Attend with your self confidence and self respect set on: High!
Bring an understanding mind set and allow that people are who they are regardless of your relationship with them.

The person who wants to "patch up" needs to make the first move and do so with respect.

I also think ignoring him is the best option, and if necessary, sit farther back in the chapel. I had to deal with my verbally abusive, mentally unstable uncle when my grandma died, and I completely avoided him at the funeral.

May fond memories of your grandfather warm you heart.

I believe a lot of parents have the unrealistic expectation that if there are disagreements among family members that they can and should fix it. It is one of those fairy tale beliefs that often gets caught up with religious beliefs. How can we all be together in heaven if we are not getting along here on earth? Gee, I, as a parent, better step in and do all I can do to get this situation on the right path. And, I know that I learned that even if I knew I did no harm to someone, I should just apologize anyway and get the ball rolling.

I think your Mom's wishes speak to boundaries that are being crossed. Your Mom, in my opinion, is not respecting your right as an adult to have your own feelings and have your own right to work out your own relationships with others.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/25/2016 03:13PM by presleynfactsrock.

This is about you saying goodbye to your grandfather. You get some closure which you need.

Your mother pressuring you to use this as an opportunity to patch things up with your father is like the Senate tacking on their personal addendum to a major bill that is up for a vote. It ruins everything and is just wrong.

Tell your mother that you will be attending, you will be courteous and cordial to your father if he approaches, but this is neither the time or the place for those amends unless both you and your father want that. And feel free to state that you just don't want that.

My condolences on losing someone close to you. All the best to you.

She is playing you and your dad to get the outcome she wants. She probably asked him if you apologized would he forgive you.and he said he would so she's running with it. That being said I would not look for trouble. You can be civil without letting anyone walk all over you
Notmonotloggedin

I would quit responding to your mom when she brings up your dad. Not everything your mom says deserves a response. Just change the subject.

It shouldn't be too difficult to keep your distance from your dad at the funeral. The last funeral I went to I said a few pleasantries to most of the people after the graveside service, but apart from that I really didn't have much time to talk to anyone. The real visiting happens beforehand at the wake (funeral home) and after at the post-funeral gathering. Those are the activities you may wish to curtail or avoid altogether.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/25/2016 11:23PM by summer.

In my case, I finally completely cut off all contact with the MORmON church resident enforcement agent that was supposed to be my male parent. After several years, he finally started to get the impression that I was serious about the matter. When I skipped his 50 th wedding anniversary party, it further emphasized the point. a couple of months after that he dropped dead. My only regret is that I did not kick the @$$ hole and his crappy disgusting MORmON church out of my life much much sooner.

Make it about grandpa. Make a photo button to wear with a picture of him being happy or silly, or make several for the cool people to wear.(I did a button of my grandma in a Halloween costume) My parents insisted on giving a mormon ceremony even though granny was never LDS and thought religion was stupid. If it feels right to be cordial then do so. If not, I see nothing wrong with showing strength. If its a mormon style funeral, ask the family if you can step up to tell a few favorite stories about grandpa. If grandpa ever told a salty joke, repeat it! I'm guessing grandpa would appreciate those stories more than the LDS sales pitch by a douche bag, self important "Bishop". When asked about the buttons say you prefer to remember gramps in happy times rather than in a silly bakers hat as he was not a baker.

Yes you can take the high road but if your father is an ass hat, have your responses prepared to put him in his place. He will abuse you until the day you stand up to him.

Remember my friend, your Dad is the fool that believes in magical nonsense, not you.

Stand tall. And my condolences.

IplayedJoe