We haven't really spoken since I told her and my father that their god has a stupid face. But yesterday she texted me. She wanted to know where I was working this week (I travel a lot for my job).

I told her that I wasn't working and that I was on medical leave. She was really quick to ax, "what was going on?"

So I done told her bitch ass that my supervisor and my doctor both felt that it was best that I take time off work to check myself before I wrecked myself.

All of the texts had been back and forth real fast until I told her that I was on leave because of my PTSD and then nothing.

Pause

Pause

Pause

And then she texts back, "I hope you feel better." And then immediately sends another text, "Did you hear about XXX's grandma?"

If it were anyone other than my mother, I wouldn't have thought anything about it - there could be any number of reasons to not immediately respond. She's just not been the emotional kind of mother. I'm pretty sure that Marcus Aurelius used her as the standard when writing his treaty on Stoicism because no one could read her p-p-p-poker face.

And that's how it's been my whole life. She came into my room one day to find me wailing over my teenaged broken heart. A girl had torn my soul asunder and once seeing me visibly distraught, my mother slowly retreated out of the room.

My mother had 99 problems but a bitch weren't one.

And all of this is fine because that's just the way things are, but I wonder if my mom is surprised that I hadn't called her and told her that I was going to take time off. Not that we would discuss my wondering ever.

I did discuss it with my little sister though. She has also been diagnosed with PTSD (thanks again child molesting ward members) and we talked about it. We joked about our mother being more like a dude and our dad being more like a chick when it comes to shit like this, but then my little sister told me that she knows my dad really wants to talk more about my PTSD. He wants to understand it better.

And while I appreciate the concern, I don't know what to say to my father without it turning into another fight about the church. I was diagnosed because of the whole system of Mormonism and the culty-cult-cultness that is the Latter Day Mission field.

If he wants to understand the symptoms, I could easily talk about that, but anything past that....

I know just how you feel. My TBM dad acts like I'm not even a person and I don't have feelings.

Last week, I had to put my sweet 15-year-old dog to sleep. She had been very sick for a while and it was devastating to me to say goodbye.

Dad emailed me the next day to ask where he could go on the interwebs to fact-check some bullshit conservative political glurge he'd come across. I gave him a URL and then hit return and told him about the dog.

He has yet to acknowledge my loss to say jacksquat to me about it. I don't think he read my email. He's so narcisstic and self-involved, it doesn't ever occur to him that stuff might be going on in my life that might require a little support.

It so hard when we lose our furbabies. A lot of us here get that.

((Hugs))



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/26/2011 10:31AM by Rebeckah.

sorry for your loss and you dads egocentrism(did i just make up a word) ??

Also very sorry about the loss of your dog. I had to put mine out of her misery in'06 -at 15 also. One of the hardest days of my life. She was so loyal and sweet. But her body gave out due to an illness. WE will always have memories and pictures. My three favorite ones are on my refrig even now. Love to look at her.

Show concern for your son until that conflicts with concern for your church - then revoke concern for your son. And people actually don't think this is a cult.

I went through the same thing with my parents. When my son - their only blood grandson - was born, they didn't even call. Of course when my sister's kids were born, Mom immediately flew out there to help. They might see a difference up until they realize that it's about their church, then suddenly they can't see it anymore. Or they might get it for a little while, but then suddenly they'll snap back and go back into full Mormon mode. Or they'll blame themselves and not the Church. It's infuriating.

I had to get psychological counseling after my mission because of the constant two-year beatdown and undermining of my self-esteem that I received from my mission president. My parents could not comprehend that my MP was capable of any fault, and any problems incurred must therefore have been caused by me. I really could have used their support during that time. But, of course, nothing can come between them and their beloved church.

I suggest you stay far away from brainwashed Mormon prevaricators until you get yourself back on your feet and work through the issues you have that have been caused by this destructive cult. Best wishes to you, RJ.

"Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that this is a tough time for you! Is there anything I can do to help? Are you being good to yourself? Eating and sleeping right, maybe visiting a gym and/or relaxing in a hot tub or sauna? Nothing is more important to me than your mental and physical well being -- so call me if I can help and know that I love you and want what's best for you -- always."

(And I mean every word of that even though I'm not your mother.)

Oh mighty Raptor I worship thee and all that stuff but I'd like to ask a favor. See, I really appreciate the fact that you've given me the power to bring rain simply by taking my walks but -- well -- the Pacific Northwest is kind of sodden this spring and I haven't even done Bloomsday yet. Do you suppose you could lift this "blessing" from me and drop it on some worthy soul in Africa -- or even Texas? Just wondering...

:)

Oh Might RJ please heed (?) Rebeckah's words and send her rain to Texas. We are used to being flodded out by now and it's going to be a grim summer if we don't get rain soo.

inthenameofSFMandRJ
amen!

Your mom is far from loving. Sorry she is so distant. I would allow your dad to talk to you concerning your condition. It might even bring you a bit closer. It is nice you have a sister to speak with. Good luck with the texting. Fat chance anything good will come of it. She is so cold she can only text??? How about a visit? How about some tender mothering?

I too have a mom with zero maternal instincts. It leaves a gaping hole and a lot of sadness.

There have been times when I've felt like I've been going crazy. When I finally realized that my mother never loved me, or anyone else, it was a hard pill to swallow. She can't love, because she has NO empathy. It all has to be about her.

For others who want to see into the mind of a narcissistic mother, check out this site. It's a real eye opener.

Daughters of narcissistic mothers.

Imagine that your mother had never heard the motherly soothing words that Rebekah expressed:

"Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that this is a tough time for you! Is there anything I can do to help? Are you being good to yourself? Eating and sleeping right, maybe visiting a gym and/or relaxing in a hot tub or sauna? Nothing is more important to me than your mental and physical well being -- so call me if I can help and know that I love you and want what's best for you -- always."

I have no idea, of course, but the first thing a mother would do receiving a text like that is to call. But only if the language of compassion was natural. Sounds like it isn't for your mother, so although she may feel sad for you, her own deficits in experience of love and caring may not have given her a clue as how to express that, esp through a text or a call.

Carol Y. brought up the subject of dealing with a narcissistic mother. You continue to expect a different result from your mother. As Jay Mohr put it in his latest book (which is MUST reading for all young parents) "No Wonder My Parents Drank", your parents gave you all they had.

It wasn't enough and that has caused you great difficulties as an adult, for sure. And yet, here you are one of the most popular posters on RfM, with a rapier wit and great insights to help others. Your story is powerful but your ability to tell it in a compelling way is AMAZING.

I hadn't planned to say anything about this, but I think of myself as a narcissistic mother in recovery. I ran my home like a kind of military camp with little regard for the individual needs of my "soldiers." My large Mormon family made me look "good" and successful and I loved the attention. Until, of course, it all fell apart because it was all unreal. It was all a projection of ego - the religion, the kids, the whole concept of worthiness as the center of life is incredibly promoting of narcissism and it made me worse.

Just like you can recover from alcoholism by stopping drinking, you remain with personality quirks and tendencies from your addiction which will never go away. You learn to live with those and love yourself in spite of them.

I had a narcissistic mother who was ignored as a child just like I was ignored as a child and I went on to have a large family where the individual children were ignored. They were treated like a pack and they couldn't move out soon enough. I remember taking a child to college and seeing all the other mothers crying and hugging their children. I felt nothing. I suspected something was wrong with me at that moment but didn't know what it was, exactly.

It's very easy to blame the Mormon church and its cult indoctrination for everything, or your mother, or countless other things, but in the end, you are the one trapped inside your head and you are the one struggling with your PTSD and trying to stay functional. It's your battle to win or lose.

The thing that has helped me the most is the book "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle, and his other book, "Silence Speaks." None of the various religions I tried brought me any peace, really, just more expectations to meet. What is different about Tolle's approach was that in the face of my problems, which were like a huge mountain of mistakes before me with no possibility of undoing what I had done...blocking me from my loved ones and keeping me from being happy...that mountain exists only in the past and I exist only in the present. The future doesn't count, it hasn't come yet. This was a profound realization for me and I don't know if it will come off as comprehensive in print or not. The only moment that is real is the present. This is where you can act, this is where you express yourself. The old you is dead, the future you is a dream, the real you is the one in the present. YOU OWN THE PRESENT.

To stay in the present, the place of peace, is not easy. For months I had to start every day by writing down all my crap--all my anger and blame, all my accusations and get them out of my head. For the rest of the day, one day at a time, I refused my thoughts of the past and focused on the now. At night, I wrote about the future, and that was the only time I allowed myself to plan, worry, scheme, etc, also on paper. The rest of the night was for self-pampering, a good book/movie/bubble bath/glass of wine, etc.

I continued to read Tolle's books and started meditating and studying the principles of Buddhism. Personally, I can't ever be a member of a religion, but I need help inside my head and this is where I find it.

I wish you the best RJ, I'm a fan and fond of you. I wish you the best recovery and applaud your selfcare in taking the time off that you need for your own mental health. There is nothing more important--nothing.

Spaghetti Monster Bless You,

Anagrammy